The career woman bride

Jaanwar · January 19, 2011, 2:19pm

Re: The career woman bride

FairyTale, sweetheart, I knew we had a connection. <3

sarab · January 19, 2011, 2:38pm

Re: The career woman bride

My inlaws are a like that, all there daughters are doctors and dentists but all my brother inlaws have had arranged marriages to girls from really remote villiages that have had zero education and can't speak english.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a preference, but it should be the man/womens preference not the parents. If you want a career women be prepared to do a fair share of the cooking, cleaning and children rearing. If you would prefer less responsibilty at home, marry a women that wants to be a homemaker.
Theres nothing wrong with either choice, just don't make promises before the marriage that you have no intention of keeping.

nadz123 · January 19, 2011, 3:07pm

Re: The career woman bride

probably thinks the woman got her job via 2 ways;

1- slept with the boss...so in this case, not a good bride to be for her bichara innocent munchkin...

2- slaughtered her way to the top, by being a b*. and this is another reason why she wouldnt be a suitable candiddate. we all think that a highly powered career woman must also be a very determined, ambitious and a b* so wouldnt let anything come in the way of it, as well as having a similar personality, and using this attitude at home with her inlaws- wouldnt work.

nadz123 · January 19, 2011, 3:09pm

Re: The career woman bride

luckily my sister in law, ( doctor) and my MIL ( head lecturer), we dont have this on our family...phewwwww.....and also my husband never tells me to spend my money he says tumhara paise tumhare hai, mere paise hum dono ki hai....awwwww

okk gone off topic.:]

PakWoman · January 19, 2011, 3:11pm

Re: The career woman bride

There are all kinds of people in our society, this one is one of them. I think this career thing is a very individual matter. In fact I can’t imagine my life without a career - staying at home all day, doing chores and stuff feels like a prison. What about ambitions, social life, contributing something to the society and your country, through your skills. Just like the man of the house has certain duties towards his family, the woman of the house also does. If both are doing as required than it shouldn’t be a problem what they do in their personal space and time. Now-a-days, you don’t even know who your next door nieghbour is and your school and uni friends are just far away or just out of touch with you after marriage- we don’t have that kind of social set up our mothers lived in that was so closely knitted. Today, if in my city you don’t have a job, it’s like you almost have no social life, no friends, no activity. No human being can live happily like that - without friends or a social surrounding.
In a way I think the aunt is a blessing in disguise for this girl. Since it seems she feels intimidated by her and thinks it will be harder to control a strong, educated, confident, successful woman as compared to a one with no career who would be more dependent and thus easy to curb and control. So this is definitely something such an outstanding person does not deserve. This girl deserves someone who would be proud of her achievements, rather then see them as a curse. And I’m sure there are people like that as well out there, who have sisters and mothers with good careers.

:k:

NomiCA · January 19, 2011, 3:38pm

Re: The career woman bride

at this thread…again for the bazillionth time…

and Jaanwar brother…why do you bother when people are talking to themselves? its a Monologue with many participants contributing to it…had it been a dialogue your effort and time would’ve been worth it…so anyways…

lets see more of the monologue

rizla86 · January 19, 2011, 3:49pm

Re: The career woman bride

Jaanwar:

You really think you are doing the womankind a service by implying that any and all women who are focusing entirely on their families instead of pursuing a full time career are suppressed and oppressed? And whatever rights women have today are due to these bull dykes in business suits who are the so-called champions of women’s rights, and at the same time employ an army of maids trafficked from poor Asian countries to take care of their children? What really grinds my gears is the preconceived notions that the likes of you carry about SAHMs, and I don’t think there is anything more patronizing to these women than these emotional naive teens and 20something year olds who think of these women as some tied up farm animals. My old lady is a university educated proud mother of 4 (including 2 educated independent married women), taught us all pretty much everything we know today, took care of the house, ran the household budget, made business, saving and investment decisions with my father, handled all family affairs, and my father never made a decision without her input. Just because she didn’t have a full time career doesn’t make her a clueless oppressed baychari aurat. She took pride in what she did for herself and her family, and we take pride in who and what she is and what she means to us. So you sweetheart can’t sit behind your computer screen and tell me how I was raised in a flawed environment and how my mother should have taught me better.

Of my 2 sisters, one is a surgeon and has a busy career, her daughter gets neglected and while I don’t approve of that, I respect her for her choices, plus the arrangement is working out well between herself and her husband, that is their preference and none of my business. My other sister gave up a career as a lecturer and is focusing on raising her son, not because her jaahil husband forced her to, but because she wanted to, and the arrangement is working out well between them two. So like I said, it is a matter of personal preference and priorities, and you can’t be in anyone’s face telling them whether their decisions or beliefs are flawed.

Great post Jaanwar :k:

It’s a matter of personal preference. I respect my mum a lot, she is a homemaker and has ALWAYS been there for my siblings and I. If the woman the OP described wants someone similar for her son and has apprehensions regarding that rishta, she’s entitled to her views.

I have nothing against career oriented women and I would never stop my future wife from having a career. However we need to remember that at the end of the day the primary responsibility of a woman is to ensure a good upbringing of her children, and the primary responsibility of the man is to be the breadwinner. Women should pursue their career as long as their primary responsibility is not neglected, although men can and should lend a helping hand where a woman might fall short. I just don’t think any child should ever have to grow up and raised by a nanny as long as their mother is alive. I have seen women who can’t soothe or calm their crying infants and have to hand them over their maids or nannies to put them to sleep and I think that is just sad.

Sehrysh · January 19, 2011, 3:55pm

Re: The career woman bride

Well then, a Bachelors majoring in Home Economics should be a sufficient degree. If all you want is a good homemaker (and as you guys have said, your preference), then your mommies should not be looking for super-educated women. A woman with a modest education should be enough.

YET, and I have seen this, mommies and sons want the girls with the MBBS/MD or LLB/JD degrees or double masters degrees because it provides bragging rights and shows how smart the DIL/wife is.

rizla86 · January 19, 2011, 4:22pm

Re: The career woman bride

I would prefer my wife to be a professional. Not for bragging rights though, I would want her to have her aims and ambitions, and I feel we would gel better. All I'm saying is that when we do have children, she shouldn't lose sight of her priorities. It is only in the earlier years where a child needs support, so I don't think it would be too much to ask if I wanted my wife to take a sabbatical around that time, or at least work part time and spend more time at home. Family planning is just as important to make this work.

Niksik · January 19, 2011, 4:32pm

Re: The career woman bride

Jaanwar:

I don't see what is so wrong with your aunt's consideration. It is a matter of personal preference. To be honest I wouldn't want an overly ambitious career woman who doesn't have enough time and energy to take care of the house and the family to be my wife. Perhaps it has to do with the environment I was raised in. My father was the bread earner and my mother has always been a housewife, and the way I have seen her always being available and taking care of us, I want my wife to be the same way. However I really don't mind her having a career that keeps her occupied in her spare time and doesn't interfere with the family life.

I reckon since your cousin is quite successful in his career, he doesn't foresee much financial difficulties and so his preference is a lady who can take care of the house and the children instead of being occupied with her career constantly.

I can understand her concern but when she said that a career woman cannot be a good wife, I was a bit confused about that perception. Maybe she's worried that the girl's priorities would be all messed up...but she hasn't even bothered to sit with the girl, or have her son sit with the girl and ask what her plans her. She is rejected a "rishta" based on assumptions.

Niksik · January 19, 2011, 4:35pm

Re: The career woman bride

Why must you bring in so much sense so quickly into the thread. We need this discussion to move on to more pages :D

However, I have seen many women with very demanding careers become completely available for their families after 6pm and on the weekends, and trust me, they do a phenomenal job of taking care of all the family needs. Of course such women have a lot of energy and motivation to be fair at both ends.

Sehrysh · January 19, 2011, 4:36pm

Re: The career woman bride

Gather round boys, here's a free lesson into some women's psyche:

MOST women do want to stay home and raise their children and take that sabbatical from their career (for how long depends on the woman). As enjoyable and fulfilling and financially rewarding as that career is or has been, nothing compares to motherhood. BUT, they want to choose the change in their lifestyle from career woman to homemaker, and do not want to be told what to do.

Added to that, they also need positive reinforcement to validate both their prior contribution to the household (and dare I say society) as first a career woman and then later as a homemaker. If they feel unappreciated in either of their roles there is resentment. It's the idea of: Were they less of a wife or mother when they had a career? Or are they less of an independent woman now that they are at home with the kids? They need to feel important despite the changes they've made or that have happened in their identity and lifestyle.

Reha · January 19, 2011, 4:41pm

Re: The career woman bride

:k:

Jaanwar · January 19, 2011, 4:44pm

Re: The career woman bride

Rizla my man I am 100% with you on this.

Sehrysh, you are basically just elaborating Rizla's point. I hope you two are not like arguing? Because you are not.

Sehrysh · January 19, 2011, 4:58pm

Re: The career woman bride

I was not disagreeing with Rizla. My initial comment was about the specific category of MILs and their sons who want trophy DILs - where they don't want the DILs to work - I think that subgroup of MILs is unfair to the educated girls who do have career aspirations. On the flip side, I also know of girls who got the graduate degree strictly for their shaadi resume and have no intention of working. These MILs and DILs need to meet and match up.

My subsequent comment was just to explain how crazy and contrary us women can sometimes be. We want the same thing, i.e. to stay home with the kids but the shift to that lifestyle can be a minefield if 1) a woman feels that her self-determinism has been taken from her and 2) the messages from society make her feel like a lesser person either for her previous or future choices.

Jaanwar · January 19, 2011, 5:00pm

Re: The career woman bride

Well Sehrysh I am in absolute agreement with your first comment, and absolutely enlightened by your second comment. :roman:

NomiCA · January 19, 2011, 5:05pm

Re: The career woman bride

only sometimes??

njgal · January 19, 2011, 5:09pm

Re: The career woman bride

why do MILs overthink these issues YEARS in advance during the rishta process. Let the couple worry about it. It’s their life, their careers, their kids - their priorities to manage.

There are more important things to focus on.

Sehrysh · January 19, 2011, 5:10pm

Re: The career woman bride

You can thank me when you avoid an argument with your future wife :chai

I don’t believe in making generalizations :snooty: It would be like my saying: “Men are neanderthals.” And I’ve found the odd exception to that statement

rizla86 · January 19, 2011, 5:11pm

Re: The career woman bride

Sehrysh:

Gather round boys, here's a free lesson into some women's psyche:

MOST women do want to stay home and raise their children and take that sabbatical from their career (for how long depends on the woman). As enjoyable and fulfilling and financially rewarding as that career is or has been, nothing compares to motherhood. BUT, they want to choose the change in their lifestyle from career woman to homemaker, and do not want to be told what to do.

Added to that, they also need positive reinforcement to validate both their prior contribution to the household (and dare I say society) as first a career woman and then later as a homemaker. If they feel unappreciated in either of their roles there is resentment. It's the idea of: Were they less of a wife or mother when they had a career? Or are they less of an independent woman now that they are at home with the kids? They need to feel important despite the changes they've made or that have happened in their identity and lifestyle.

Well if that is most women's psyche, then I'm a happy chappy :).

However there are women out there for whom career is everything, most of these are high powered feminists. And yes they usually make it to where they are by being *****es. I wouldn't go near a woman like that with a barge pole.

I despise that mentality. I know someone who did their MBBS and never did a housejob after marriage, I was horrified by that. How could someone study all that just to throw it away in the end?