The career woman bride

Lifestyle Relationships
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So I was talking to an aunt of mine last night who said that this one proposal they were looking at for their son [my cousin] was of a pretty girl who’s a very successful career woman. Supposedly she’s really good at what she does and has been able to climb the corporate ladder very early in her life and now enjoys a very prestigious position in a great company.

Now my aunt is re-thinking this proposal as she thinks that some lady with such career ambitions cannot be a good wife to her son.

Her son…well, what can I say, has no opinion of his own it seems :rolleyes: but is also very successful in his career. So there should be no intimidation issues here.

What is this? How does she think that the girl cannot be a good wife? Is a girl who’s worked so hard to get where she is today not deserving of such a position? Or it is because she’s a desi girl she should never dream of a career. Or a good career means a bad wife?

What?

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Re: The career woman bride

I was ( still am alhamdolillah) a career woman before I got married. Initially they did not have problem with my career and before saying yes I asked them if they would let me work and they agreed but suddenly after marriage everyone realised that I should stay at home because what my daughter's father wanted was when he comes home from work he want to see his wife working in the kitchen. The issue was not that he was not getting fresh food everyday the issue was that they thought a woman can only do "gharisti" at home and she should not have any empowerment and should be completely dependent on them so that she begs them for each and every need of hers.............in other words making her your ghulam.

I believe that a career woman should only get married in a family where they believe in educating women (daughters) and also allow their own daughters to have a career. Otherwise the jealousy from sister in laws (nands) and MIL can cause serious damage to the husband wife relationship.

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Re: The career woman bride

The funny part is that this aunty's daughter is also a career woman...not such a high profile one, but one nevertheless.

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Re: The career woman bride

^ then I believe that aunty is looking for a 24 hours maid for herself and she thinks that would not be possible if she is going to be a career woman.

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Re: The career woman bride

reading threads like these provide me with answer why divorce is all time high.

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Re: The career woman bride

how much is this aunty educated?

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Re: The career woman bride

The aunty may be assuming things on her part but all of us here are doing the same thing. The career woman may or may not be a good wife & mother, and the aunt has valid concerns from her point of view.

Consider a family, where the husband is too focussed on career / business, is not a "family man" and doesn't give much time to the family. What do we all say about him? We say ... he is not a good father, he is not a good husband. That is our instant reaction.

Same thing can happen with career women. Why is it so hard to imagine a similar thing happening with women? Sometimes, people driven too much by ambition tend to ignore other part of lives. Its as simple as that.

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Re: The career woman bride

I agree with you BUT

to judge a person before he/she becomes a spouse or a parent just based on his/her career and education is kind of stupid. One needs to have special power or a mind reading abilities to determine if the person is going to be a good family oriented person before he/she gets married.

Just because the girl whose rishta is being considered is a career woman and she has spent many years of her life getting education and has worked hard towards her career that makes her a less of a wife or a mother.

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Re: The career woman bride

I don't see what is so wrong with your aunt's consideration. It is a matter of personal preference. To be honest I wouldn't want an overly ambitious career woman who doesn't have enough time and energy to take care of the house and the family to be my wife. Perhaps it has to do with the environment I was raised in. My father was the bread earner and my mother has always been a housewife, and the way I have seen her always being available and taking care of us, I want my wife to be the same way. However I really don't mind her having a career that keeps her occupied in her spare time and doesn't interfere with the family life.

I reckon since your cousin is quite successful in his career, he doesn't foresee much financial difficulties and so his preference is a lady who can take care of the house and the children instead of being occupied with her career constantly.

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Re: The career woman bride

Basically when i'm home she must be at my beck and call. However while i'am at work and don't need her she can make a few pennies to buy her makeup !!!!! And don't go around expecting me to change diapers !!!! i will only play with the kids coz gee honey thats the best part. I'm gonna ignore everything else coz i'm a horse with blinkers on !!!

Really, educating men does not make a difference.

However sometimes i think women are even worse. If they want someone to pamper their sons... get a maid and not a wife.

Society is never really gonna change unless women who become mothers to sons, start explaining to their sons that what exactly a wife is , its not some one to cater to your every whim and fancy and someone who you can control and keep beneath you. But some one who will be your equal in every which way. if boys listen to this growing up , only then will a real change come about.

Mothers should really see to it that boys also do chores around the house, come home at a certain time, not go sowing their wild oats just coz they can. Girls should not be told that their only ambition in life is to get married but rather explain about education and the financial independence it will bring them and how that will help them lead better married lives and be better mothers someday themselves.

Like Jaanwar said , it the environment he grew up in.

Your aunt is basically worried this girl is smart / intelligent / beautiful/ financially independent. She will not really "NEED" my son. She might have her say in things, might not obey him , might not give up something my son does not like. And if she does not do all these things how am I going to boast about my son taming the shrew at my kitty party. Dear me, life is hell, I could not a good bahu !!!! Sob sob sob

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Re: The career woman bride

^First, :hehe:

Serious response:

Live and let live. Their priorities are different and they are free to pursue a girl of their choice. Just the same for any other quality in a spouse, be it color, height or religion.

I’m gonna be a career woman soon. And it’s very true that I will not have enough time for my children unless my husband cooperates. Realistically, that’s just how things are.

It’s a legitimate concern for the family to have.

So far, so good.

However, it’s hypocritical to have different rules for the daughter and the DIL. And while what Payal says is extremely one sided, it’s not entirely untrue. That mentality is very much prevalent.

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Re: The career woman bride

payal sharma - I think it's better to be clear about what you want / like before you get married then later on forcing your wife or bahu to quit her career. I don't think anyone who does not want to have a working wife or bahu and makes it clear before marriage is wrong.

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Re: The career woman bride

Oi, no need to get so worked up and personal over someone's preferences. Taking care of the household and children doesn't make the woman a slave or any inferior from the man. I know women who happily gave up their full time careers to spend more time with the family and take care of their children. And luckily for us men, there are quite many women who feel that way. It is just as respectable as being a director of a company, if not more. Its a matter of personal choice and priorities. Nobody is forcing you personally to give up your career and be a housemaker.

Please learn to understand and respect others' point of view instead of flaring up like a feminism fed hormonal teenager.

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Re: The career woman bride

^ would a man ever think being a stay at home dad is as good a job as a CEO.

Dear Jaanwar ( I suddenly have visions of you in a torn shirt with lots of hair all over) , I'm getting worked because of the fact that these issues are still an ISSUE. And you have already decided what your wife should or should not do.

I would be more than willing to stop working should the husband be sufficient to provide the lifestyle that I am used to, coz i'm lazy. However, in spite of hubby dear say being financially well off should I want to work , I would just inform my husband and in law rather then ask for their permission. Thus making it a non issue. Like how a man deciding to work after marriage is a non issue.

Just coz I as a female got so called worked up you immediately branded me as a "feminism fed hormonal teenager". Well thank god for feminists. Coz we have what should have been rightfully ours anyway because of them.

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Re: The career woman bride

A career woman has more to juggle and therefore may not be able to devote the kind of time to family and household management that the mother-in-law and/or son wants.

It's not always just about such practicalities though, beneath the surface there's sometimes an element of career woman equals independent, therefore not submissive. I am of course generalizing, based on personal observation.

I'd think of it this way; if a girl has it in her to work that hard in order to achieve her career goals, then chances are she has the ability to carry that same attitude into her married life. All it requires is talking to her and seeing what she wants.

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Re: The career woman bride

For a wife to work full time shouldn’t be an issue at all if the husband is supportive. In-laws can go mind their own business! Shadi se pehle ami abu ki suno or shaadi k baad husband k ami abu ki :vivo: no thanks! Women have a life of their own!

However, for a mother to work full time is EXTREMELY difficult and it does require a lot of sacrifices. And this isn’t just to do with desi women. It is really difficult for any woman to work full time after children. Family and household will be affected in the absence of the mother.

Personally, I wouldn’t want a nanny or other people at home to bring my children up. I want to bring them up myself and never neglect the needs of the family/home. At the same time, I never want to give my career up. I see myself working until the age of retirement InshaAllah. And the only way this is going to be possible is if I work part time OR I start my own business and be my own boss. The girl could think about starting some type of business?

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Re: The career woman bride

I think the ONLY part that would concern me is how a career woman is not being thought of as a good potential spouse. Thats lame.

Of course, after marriage your family comes first. I do not know many career oriented women who have sacrificed their families for their job...in fact I do not know ANY. Women have a natural instinct towards taking care of their families so that is a given, I just dont think her career is a reason for concern. An educated spouse is a good spouse and parent...why dont people get that nowadays?

If this lady rejects the girl based on her career aspirations, I think its to the girl's benefit.

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Re: The career woman bride

what i don't understand is why a highly educated, intelligent, successful woman would go through such obsolete ways of meeting her other half. she's been basically reduced to a piece of fertile crop field for the needs and preferences of a random man she doesn't even really know...

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Re: The career woman bride

Yaar its mere personal preference. You cannot tell someone what he/she should like. If mother and son are looking for a house wife, then whats the problem? Ppl reject you just because you are not from their caste or the caste they like. Have you not see rishta ads saying PLEASE ONLY ARAAIN / RAJPUT SHOULD CONTACT. ab socho araain and rajput ko surr-khaab ke parr laggay hooway hein? :bummer:

I will like to be the Director of company but wont wish to have that CEO who will sit at home and ask me to go and earn. umm sorry no :nahi:

I am not married yet, went thru and still going thru rishtay and stuff. Some famlies who came to see me, were more interested into my career, like how much I am making, what i have saved and what are my future plans in regards of Career. But at the same time some famlies were reluctant to accept me or bring me as bahu coz of me being so independent.

Personally I didnt like either of them, coz I am looking for someone like Janwaar :smiley: who wont mind if I want to carry on with my career, but wont kick me out of his home either if i quit job and decide to stay at home wife/mom. ( I ll love to be a house wife with some small business which i can take care of from home.)

All that seems more imp to me is the nature of that person you are going to marry to. Look at the family if they are decent and moderate in their thinking. I may have lived several yrs on my own and away from my parents, but I know exactly which relation needs to be kept on top and priority. Probably something that i have learnt from my home.

War of genders, nope thats useless and stupid to fight. Man is basically the bread earner, he should do his job. Woman’s first priority is family, she should not fail in it. Both genders should be clear about their roles and responsibilities.

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Re: The career woman bride

You really think you are doing the womankind a service by implying that any and all women who are focusing entirely on their families instead of pursuing a full time career are suppressed and oppressed? And whatever rights women have today are due to these bull dykes in business suits who are the so-called champions of women's rights, and at the same time employ an army of maids trafficked from poor Asian countries to take care of their children? What really grinds my gears is the preconceived notions that the likes of you carry about SAHMs, and I don't think there is anything more patronizing to these women than these emotional naive teens and 20something year olds who think of these women as some tied up farm animals. My old lady is a university educated proud mother of 4 (including 2 educated independent married women), taught us all pretty much everything we know today, took care of the house, ran the household budget, made business, saving and investment decisions with my father, handled all family affairs, and my father never made a decision without her input. Just because she didn't have a full time career doesn't make her a clueless oppressed baychari aurat. She took pride in what she did for herself and her family, and we take pride in who and what she is and what she means to us. So you sweetheart can't sit behind your computer screen and tell me how I was raised in a flawed environment and how my mother should have taught me better.

Of my 2 sisters, one is a surgeon and has a busy career, her daughter gets neglected and while I don't approve of that, I respect her for her choices, plus the arrangement is working out well between herself and her husband, that is their preference and none of my business. My other sister gave up a career as a lecturer and is focusing on raising her son, not because her jaahil husband forced her to, but because she wanted to, and the arrangement is working out well between them two. So like I said, it is a matter of personal preference and priorities, and you can't be in anyone's face telling them whether their decisions or beliefs are flawed.