I was reading this topic that a fellow Pakistani posted in the General section of gup shup, and one of the responses got to me. No offense to that gentleman/woman… but “I am a virgin… I want (marry) a virgin” just rubs me the wrong way.
Why? Whell mainly because sometimes we do not loose our virginity of our own choosing. The two cases that come to mind:
Sexual Assault
Divorce
It appals me that in this day and age, and in the western society we live in that people still prefer “virgins” since they are one too. What really bites is that my mom (whom I love and respect dearly) even said to me that why did I want “a used piece when there are many new products available” when I was going to marry my wife (who was divorced).
Have we really fallen to such low standards that we value our women as “products”. What makes a divorced woman unworthy of being a wife again. Or for tht matter what makes the female victim of sexual assault unworthy
of being a good life companion.
I am all for keeping your virginity until your married, but why exclude those members of the opposite sex whom have fallen prey to either an animal (ie rapist), or bad judgement in a marriage.
I would like opinions… from both women and men about this.
From experience i can say that a successful relationship depends on trust, understanding, and commitment to make it work by facing all the ups and downs
money, virginity, status, family background have no say in a good and healthy relationship ....
if ppl consider the latter as the first things to consider when getting into a relationship then they are bound to head for disaster
kher apni apni choice hoti hay
i say virign non virgin who gives a damn
for a second it hought you meant premarital. honestly- i would prefer a virgin when i get married, just cuz, BUT i am not against the whole divorced, etc thing. no there isn't anything wrong with "used" people. i say good for you. i might be wrong, but as far as i know most of the prophet (s) wives were not virgins-not even his beloved kadija.
salaamz
Good topic for discussion. Perhaps someone will read and learn...perhaps some changes in the way they approach the situation will come about.
This very same subject was once being discussed in a private setting and one of the members in the group suggested that "desi men prefer a virgin bride simply so that she has no way to compare his sexual prowess, or lack thereof"...... try that on for size! (pun intended :))
Thank you for a wonderful topic. Been a strong pro-womens person, I think this is a very important cultural issue that should be looked at instead of been swept under the carpet. We are brought up in a culture where our parents (moms usually) tell us that non-virgins are bad and that they are guilty (no mater what the reason was ) without a doubt. And at the same time they talk about having men and women as eqauls. when women discuss womens issues , i always say its not about women and getting role models, its about educating men and women about the eqality of the two genders. what makes a divorced man more easly accptable then a divorced woman is simply the fact that we perputrate that myth... by refusing to consider women who are divored or by actively looking for "virgins"... we need to get people educated about it...
its like saying we want good politicians but then every good parent telling his son or daughter that they cant study politics cause its not wrothwile where the heck are we supposed to get the good politicains from then?
PS: I understand about your mother .. I have a similar mother :)... but I think she knows that for me its not these things but whats inside that really maters. Having been able to partly convince her that they are not "All" bad, I feel happy .. may be thats the way to go, try and convince each female member in our family that there is really equality in the genders :)
"Whatever rocks your boat" is a good way to put it.....but should we leave it at that or make a fuss about encouraging people towards the "higher moral ground"?
Although the new generation tends to have a more liberated and enlightened approach in matters like this one, they are still greatly "influenced" or "controlled" by mothers and fathers that adhere to old school thoughts.
The question is, how do we address that problem?
How do we make it "honorable" or "respectable" to marry someone that is not a virgin?
Been a very long time since i posted in gupshup, well what a nice and intelligent to start again with. Nice topic by the way.
I think everyone speaking out on this forum has a point in one way or the other, except for the legacy without reason that stands tall about marrying a virgin. It seems this thought has somehow infilterated through generations of heritage. Marriage is not like comparing a zero meter car with a used one. For those who say they want to marry a virgin and thats final .... here is a question, be careful in answering it, i think it will open up a lot of new discussions as to why you want to marry a virgin and what you views are about marriage anyway.
Usually most parents only want their children to be happy. I maintain that there is still a contingent that is selfish in their goals. A portion that want status and wealth in the eyes of their so-called "respected" peers.
What difference to the happiness of their children will a rich/virgin/well-connected bride make?
Are you then suggesting that a materialistic approach will ensure happiness? I don't think you are, but that is what is suggested.
if the womens not a virgin the man does not respect and trust her. yeh problem hai na. I was a virgin when i got married but i'm not sure about my husband. Damn, i wish there was a way we could tell if the man was a virgin or not. (sorry to change the subject)
i am sugar spice and everything nice, before messing with me U better think twice!
[quote]
Originally posted by Pristine:
**
Maybe the fellow who proudly wants to marry a virgin, falls for a beautiful divorcee who is his neighbor and marries her. Or someone who claims that virginity is no big deal, ends up marrying a virgin, afterall. No one should begrudge any of them.**
[/quote]
Hang on..... I person saying that virginity doesnt matter is not equal (!=) to him saying that he WILL marry a non virgin. While the other way around might be true in some cases. I know you are saying the same thing but lets make it clear anyway.
Very nice topic and we all are coming from different point of views. It is slightly hard for people who are born and brought up in Western world as the concepts here are different then people living in Eastern countries like Pakistan. I don’t think of any reason why we can’t marry a divorced woman (being a man) but then thinking about all the fact in life brings some issues which if dealt properly then the relationship will last for ever.
Like Nadia21 said that a relationship depends on trust, understanding, and commitment. But we need to look at from our parent’s point of view. I understand what your mum is trying to say but I think she is not talking about it in detail. Now I know lot of my friends who are married or have girl friends in England. I think some people want to marry virgins because
They know that the lady hasn’t been with anyone else.
They think that if lady is not experience then they (men) won’t feel bad about there sex drive.
They want an inexperience person so that they can mold her into what they want her to be. ( I don’t know if any of you been able to understand this point)
To marry a divorcee it is important to know what the issue was so that you can prepare yourself to resolve the issues like lack of communication, build the trust once broken and that she/he is a better person.
Marrying an abused person is not a easy thing. The society we live in has so many loopholes which needs repairing before it is possible for some one to take the step. I am not agreeing with the concept of marrying ONLY VIRGINS but depending on the information and knowledge I have of abused person, it has been done before and lots of problems come on the surface after a while like insecurity in relationship, problem in trusting the other person and short temperament.
Our society has given men more power and it is acceptable for them to marry other women if they been divorce but unfortunately there are very rare cases of wife divorcing her man or at least been brought up in Media then visa versa.
[quote]
Originally posted by mbmagsi:
**„h They want an inexperience person so that they can mold her into what they want her to be. ( I don¡¦t know if any of you been able to understand this point)
**
[/quote]
Why do so many people believe that just because a person may be inexperienced, they are not predisposed to certain things?
Why can't a woman have a natural preference for stuff? How can anyone believe that they are gonna "train" her to like/dislike something? Is that not absurd?
if you are marrying a widower, it should be okay. when someone considers to marry 'virgin' it should be only to 'filter-out' the "never-married and not-virgin" individuals.
however, strange phenomena are seen in women.
1. when they seek husband, they want 'caring, handsome, money-making' husband.
when they seek husband for their daughters they seek 'farman-bardaar, one who has a job(no matter how much he makes), facial-looks NO PROBLEM etc.' type of guy.
when they want to marry their son, they seek lady 'chaand see, virgin, from well-to-do family, preferable from smaller family, etc.'
why such hypocricy is seen in women? isn't women responsible to 'neglect', 'reject' women here?