Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
I had a little over 100 guests at my wedding and sent out personal/hand-written “Thank you” cards to everyone about 2-3 weeks after the wedding. I have also received “thank you” cards from other desi friends after their wedding. In fact, I know a couple that had almost 600 people at their wedding and send out hand-written/personalized cards to everyone (I was at the wedding and got a card). She divided up the task between her and her husband and it took them about a week to do it…which goes to show that if someone really wanted to do this, it’s possible.
I understand people living in Pakistan/India etc. not doing it b/c it’s just not done there…but I’m not sure what excuse people born/raised in the U.S. have for not doing this. From bridesmaids, weddings favors, toasting etc…they seem to figure out every other tradition associated with a wedding.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
We do the same thing…and usually the purpose of this dawat is to get an opportunity to become better acquainted with the new member of the family and social circle.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
Agreed, totally! I am even seeing this for Bismillah parties thrown for little kids, that are only for ladies/ kids invited as guests and at home with home cooked food served. That’s just plain greedy!
When I was getting married, I was not going to stay in town, plus I chose an expensive venue ( my problem not my guests’). Most people gave cash as that’s the norm but some people gave gifts . I brought some with me, others I gave to friends / family / in laws.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
I think the whole “no boxed gifts” thing is just rude. I didn’t put it on our invites but still got cash from everyone so I think it unnecessary to put it on.
As for the thank you cards, I didn’t send out any, didn’t even think of doing it as have never seen it done by anyone else. This is the first time I have heard it.
For those saying that its too lengthy to do for 600+ people, if you can send out invites to so many people then surely you can send out thank you notes to that same amount.
I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of paying for my plate and then some extra. Since when did an invitiation to a wedding (or in fact any event) become about paying for your meal?
So, let’s say the person who TOTALLY can’t afford it (and I’ve seen these people) throw a lavish $100 per head (and some weddings cost more than $100 per head) wedding and they invite mian, biwi, and their two kids - why on earth would a guest pay minimum $400 as a guest PLUS something extra? It does not make sense at all. I would rather decline such an invitation, rather than pay that much to attend the over-the-top event that’s really just a show-off event for the host. It then goes that the person who threw the modest $25 per head wedding receives less money as a gift - why should someone’s modesty in expenditure be penalized and another’s outrageous spending be rewarded?
You know the old saying:
“Chaddar dekh kai, paon pehlana chahiyay” - that applies 100% to a wedding. A host should not throw a wedding they cannot afford (or one where they assume the guest will pay their own way) and nor should they expect guests to subsidize it. That’s like saying, I’m hosting a dawat in my house, but one guest is buying my chicken, the other the soft drinks, and another the dessert - what happens to a good host’s obligations?
Sure weddings are expensive, but a host should 1) only host an event they can afford to (i.e. no need for the $12K photographer or the $10 bonbonierres, or the Bunto outfit) and 2) only invite as many guests as make sense. No need for a 1000 person guest list.
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I want to like this but I am on my phone
sehrysh, you’re one of my favorite people on gs.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
Recently I saw the “no boxed gifts” on a wedding card here and while I’m familiar with the concept, thanks to GS, I did find it very odd. Because most desi people, like 99 %, give you cash anyway so seemed a bit strange.. I’m just waiting for it to appear on the birthday cards now
Now that we are talking about bridemaids and best men. It was actually a well known tradition some time ago and previously known as “sarbhala/sarbhali” in punjabi (might be wrongly spelled Does someone know the real word??) - which are usually 2 adult single guys/girls.. I remember it from my uncle’s weddings at least - which was probably late 90s. Their sarbhalas were suppose to sit with them on the stage during mehendi and the ladies applied oil to their hair as well and fed them mithai - was kind of cute. I think the same was done for the sarbhali. In some families, they usually dress up a little boy as sarbhala, which is obviously different from the best man concept we know, but cute! I don’t remember it from my own wedding, maybe it had vanished by then but seems to be making a “comeback” now as bridemaids and best men
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
Honestly I know this may sound selfish but I dont think this should be ‘expected’ from the newly weds they already have so my on their plates after their wedding.
I mean u should obviously say thanks but that can be done on the Facebook invite that was sent over or via calls or when u share ur wedding pics online. Basically a mass thank you while naming few extremely special people who contributed their days & nights. Hand written notes that too personalized is a Lil too much
After my wedding we were shifting, buying furniture, setting up the house and all that took 6months + our jobs!!
Its a firangi concept and it looks good on them only cuz they pull off a wedding in 200 ppl max, if I were to do this I would have gone ganji and needless to say my parents called people I saw for the first time in my life
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
Ooh I can think of quite a fee reasons this is a good move:
The amount of recycled gifts u get is insane, I have 4 dinner sets at my place and they all are something I will never use (one is exceptionally hidious with orange and red designed plates) the boxes obviously look like they have gone through a few hands so definitely not just bought from a shop just for me..its obviously been passed on cuz they didn’t want it either? Warna u at least tell ppl to exchange it with the shop if u dont like the design in 14 days or something!
I have a 1bdr apt and an open kitchen..where am I suppose to keep 4 dinner set boxes, I dont get it…
When u clearly know I Dont live in Pakistan and have just come to get married here WHY would u gift me a microwave..like WHY? My MIL uses it now..
I’ll buy what I like with ur gift money and give u duaein in return.
You have to write it these days otherwise be prepared to have micros and dinnersets stacked
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
So is cutting a cake, having assigned tables with place cards, calling tables by number for the buffet and the bride and groom’s first dance…but that doesn’t stop anyone.
I’m not sure if you did any of this or not…but why do some people think it’s okay to adopt “firangi” concepts when it suits them and dismiss them as unnecessary and foreign to the culture when the concept demands that you make an extra effort? I think this is precisely where my beef lies…
Donate the dinner sets to the needy. They will give you duaein.
As someone mentioned, MIL may be giving you duaein.
So no duaein from you unless you get cash to buy whatever you want? j/k
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
I don’t understand all the backlash against the concept of thanking your guests for attending your functions and giftong you. If somebody sticks $101 in an envelope and hands it to you, they deserve a thank you. If somebody blocks out 3-5 days of their life (often missing out on other obligations and/or coming from out of town) they deserve a thank you. If someone thinks enough of you to gift you a dinner set/Mikasa vase/microwave regardless if you need it or not or even like it, they deserve a thank you. And guests ESPECIALLY deserve a big thank you for sitting through the nauseating choreographed skits/dances/“speeches” and other endless spectacles which seem to be plaguing desi weddings these days. It doesn’t maktter if it’s 100 or 700…a thank you note is just good manners. Like Muzna said, saaray baaqi ki cheezain copy karna hai, laikin the concept of sending proper thank you notes to your guests is a fazool Western practice.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
^ This. Brides and grooms (and yes, sometimes their parents as well), have a sense of entitlement that they are owed something by the guests they invite. Gone are the days that a wedding was about celebrating a marriage and sharing in one another’s happiness. Now the quality of the guests is literally measured in how much money is made at the end of the night. And to note - this isn’t exclusive to desis - I’ve seen it in non-desis (Europeans and South Americans) who literally do a tally of the cash received at the end of the night.
Don’t get me wrong, I know of some guests who also have expectations and a sense of entitlement - but usually their expectations/entitlements are limited to prime seats at the wedding, tasty and plentiful food and photo ops with the bride and groom. Sure some guests may turn their nose up at venues and number of buffet items , but honestly - these are the people you just shouldn’t invite to your wedding, because they are the sort of people who don’t really know how to be happy for someone else. Exclude them if you can, but if its your khala/mamoon/tayee etc. and an invite is mandatory, treat them with respect, but ignore their negativity. And for God’s sake do NOT invite the mumaani’s (subsitute phupha or tayee, etc.) three sisters and two brothers, plus their spouses, and their combined 18 children plus cousins of these relatives. This is where we are our own worst enemies with a guest list made up to satisfy appearances rather than our happiness.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
No one said they had to be handwritten. If some doesn’t think they can do handwritten for whatever reason, it’s not difficult to order pre-written cards with a generic “Mr. and Mrs. ___ would like to thank you for sharing in their happy day” etc. etc. If you had let’s say 500 guests who attended, it would not take more than a few hours to write the names/address on envelope and stick a stamp on it. If husband/wife divide up the task, it’ll go even faster.
You know it all comes down to our priorities. Despite school/job and whatever obligation they have, desi brides manage to spend whatever time they need when it comes to planning the wedding. Dress, jewelry, make-up, decor etc…somehow no desi bride says they’re “too busy” for this or spending so much time planning the wedding will make them ganji. The girl I mentioned earlier…who wrote hand-written notes for hundreds of guests…she is a full-time practicing Oncologist and also went through the moving/setting up, working full-time while she did it. She split the task with her husband and they had a plan…they EACH wrote 10 cards per day. So even if you did that, over a span of a few weeks, you can get several hundred thank you cards out. No one is saying this has to be done in a day.
Its not that you and your husband did not have time to write the thank you cards. You just preferred spending that time doing something else. After all, I doubt you turned down any dawats because you were just so busy with your job/shifting/setting up furniture during those 6+ months.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
Common courtesy to say thank you by following up after the event… oh please, come on. This is not a “common” courtesy at all anywhere in the world.
People thank guest on the day. In desi culture, the elders welcome and say good bye to the guests as well.
To expect a couple to follow-up after the wedding is just high handedness. It would be very sweet and nice of them to do but totally understood by all (or 99.99999%) why it doesn’t happen.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
You’re right. It’s not a common courtesy “anywhere in the world” including the U.S. The other people in this thread who have done this (including myself) and the many people who have sent us thank you cards after their wedding…we all as a group invented this novel idea.
Oh trust me, there is not a lack of understanding here. I get that many people don’t do this and I totally understand the reasons (for people in countries like Pakistan) and excuses (for people in U.S.) as to why people choose not to do it.
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
All right, live and let live, folks! What someone does or doesn’t do, how is that impacting anyone else’s life?
Personally, I don’t like incorporating western/indian/other traditions into our weddings. But if someone does it for their own happiness, I don’t see it as causing any harm to their guests. Most desi weddings that I’ve been to (here and back home), parents of the bride and groom host the events and personally thank each and every guest, and ensure the food was to their liking and so on. The dawats mentioned above are expected from close relatives only, and a lot of the times, the couple doesn’t make it to all the dawats due to work/honeymoon/other commitments.
I have never been to a white person’s wedding and so this thread was the first time I have heard of personalized thank you cards being sent out. Cake/speeches/etc you get exposed to because there are pics online. Thank you cards, on the other hand, you wouldn’t know about it unless you received one or came across it somewhere somehow. So there you go, maybe there are others like me.
Does someone know the real word??) - which are usually 2 adult single guys/girls.. I remember it from my uncle’s weddings at least - which was probably late 90s. Their sarbhalas were suppose to sit with them on the stage during mehendi and the ladies applied oil to their hair as well and fed them mithai - was kind of cute. I think the same was done for the sarbhali. In some families, they usually dress up a little boy as sarbhala, which is obviously different from the best man concept we know, but cute! I don’t remember it from my own wedding, maybe it had vanished by then but seems to be making a “comeback” now as bridemaids and best men
, but honestly - these are the people you just shouldn’t invite to your wedding, because they are the sort of people who don’t really know how to be happy for someone else. Exclude them if you can, but if its your khala/mamoon/tayee etc. and an invite is mandatory, treat them with respect, but ignore their negativity. And for God’s sake do NOT invite the mumaani’s (subsitute phupha or tayee, etc.) three sisters and two brothers, plus their spouses, and their combined 18 children plus cousins of these relatives. This is where we are our own worst enemies with a guest list made up to satisfy appearances rather than our happiness.