How many of you gals sent out or are planning to send out thank you’s after your grand affairs?
I’m astounded at the number of people in our community that, while seemingly well-versed in etiquette, haven’t the common courtesy to follow up their weddings with either a hand-written note, a phone call, an email or heck, even a quick text message to say thank you for attending and providing them with a gift.
I’d like to take a poll.
When was the last time you received a thank you card from a newlywed desi couple?
Re: Thank You - After You’ve had Your Dream Wedding…
I sent out handwritten thank you notes to each and every guest…personalized to that person, clearly mentioning how I enjoyed/used the specific gift.
I can count on one hand how many I’ve received from weddings I’ve attended lol. The last one was from my cousin’s wedding last May…and his wife isn’t desi
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Although it’s a nice concept, I don’t think it’s part of desi culture(?) Never heard of anyone back home doing it. In fact, the couple actually expects others to call and invite them over for dawat and they’re usually offended if certain close family/cousins don’t extend the invitation.
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It’s not part of desi culture so I guess that’s one of the major reasons it’s not happening. However, I have noticed some people have started to do it, especially for smaller gatherings here in EU.
At my own wedding, we wrote thank you notes to the family and friends who were from outside Pakistan and where we thought it might be custom to do so (nondesis)
I cannot imagine writing out thank you notes to every guest in an average desi wedding which is easily 700+ people in my circle, my head hurts just by the thought. I guess that’s probably the reason I’ve never received a desi thank you card either.
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The custom is when you leave the wedding, you say goodbye/best wishes to groom and/or bride. That’s how I do it in weddings I’ve attended. And at that moment they usually say ‘thank you for coming’ like things which is enough for me.
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EH – I wouldn’t dream of attending a wedding without covering my plate and then providing something on top. And yes, we always give cash. Are you one of the muftay log?
Agreed, it’s not part of desi culture. But neither is cutting a wedding cake nor having a first dance…but I don’t think that I’ve been to a desi wedding and NOT seen those traditions upheld. So is it a matter of picking and choosing what they want to do and just ignoring the gratitude part?
Aaze – We don’t write thank you cards for each and every person that attends…it’s done by family. If your social circle includes 700 families then I can understand how personalizing a card for each would be quite time consuming.
Sehrysh – The last invitation that I got read, “Only Cash Gifts Accepted” (I was surprised that VISA, MC and AMEX were not included in the sentence.)
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I only had 1 person send me a thank you card after the wedding…and they had a fairly small affair with like 200 people. I plan on sending out thank you cards, but we’re also capping it at 250 people.
Okay, so I used to read stuff that was printed like that and think what the heck. BUT my parents are in Pakistan and I’ve realized that card makers there don’t understand the concept of “no boxed gifts” and will write ABSURD things on cards thinking that it doesn’t seem rude. My cards were about to be printed with “No boxes” in big letters at the bottom but I told them to take that off. Yes, I’m having “no boxed gifts, please” on the bottom of my card (don’t hate me) because it’s the norm where I’m from and I haven’t seen a card in ages that didn’t say that. But anyways, I think sometimes if you’re getting your cards printed in India/Pakistan, it gets lost in translation and turns out like that.
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Depends. The personalized thank you notes we’ve received at home have been written out to me, my husband and in some cases even our son individually. Yes, I meant 700+ families, the point remains the same though, that it’s time consuming compared to an average white wedding (the last one I attended was just 20 people including bride and groom and we all received a postcard with a picture of bride, groom and us :k: )
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Isn’t this just understood?
I mean don’t you greet your hosts both when you arrive and as you leave anyway?
To me this is mandatory and not a replacement for the thank you.
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I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of paying for my plate and then some extra. Since when did an invitiation to a wedding (or in fact any event) become about paying for your meal?
So, let’s say the person who TOTALLY can’t afford it (and I’ve seen these people) throw a lavish $100 per head (and some weddings cost more than $100 per head) wedding and they invite mian, biwi, and their two kids - why on earth would a guest pay minimum $400 as a guest PLUS something extra? It does not make sense at all. I would rather decline such an invitation, rather than pay that much to attend the over-the-top event that’s really just a show-off event for the host. It then goes that the person who threw the modest $25 per head wedding receives less money as a gift - why should someone’s modesty in expenditure be penalized and another’s outrageous spending be rewarded?
You know the old saying:
“Chaddar dekh kai, paon pehlana chahiyay” - that applies 100% to a wedding. A host should not throw a wedding they cannot afford (or one where they assume the guest will pay their own way) and nor should they expect guests to subsidize it. That’s like saying, I’m hosting a dawat in my house, but one guest is buying my chicken, the other the soft drinks, and another the dessert - what happens to a good host’s obligations?
Sure weddings are expensive, but a host should 1) only host an event they can afford to (i.e. no need for the $12K photographer or the $10 bonbonierres, or the Bunto outfit) and 2) only invite as many guests as make sense. No need for a 1000 person guest list.
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Just last week.. seems to be a new trend and catching on..
Didn’t do it but actually find it quite sweet.. the card usually just has a bridal pic and quick note inside.. it’s a nice little memento..
Cutting the cake as western couples do obviously wasn’t one of our desi traditions but most couples seem to do that nowadays, along with engagement parties and the husband wearing a ring.. I don’t think the cultural origins should matter that much.. so much of what we do comes from diff cultures already, we just seem to forget it once it becomes common..
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I totally and vehemently agree!!
I think the roots of this “at least cover your plate” tradition lie in western culture whereas in our desi culture the tradition is exactly the opposite. Ammi always said that all celebrations should be a time when you share out of your own good fortune and bring along those that are closest to you. This meant that the “treat” was for your guests, not for yourself. I even recall my own birthday party where my parents invited my friends and class-mates (many of which were non-desi) and told them it was going to be “Pakistani Style” where the birthday girl was to give gifts rather than receive them. Needless to say every guest went home happy and raved about the event in school the following day.
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When you go to a wedding, sometimes you are greeted by the family member of the pair (siblings/father/mother/uncles/aunties) and also when you leave, normally you won’t get the chance to meet the couple. In my area it is perfectly okay to say hi/bye to a family member instead of the couple. That person will attest for your presence if and when it becomes an issue.
Now what I do is that I make an effort to find the couple (sometimes you can only find one) and wish them a happy new life and as default protocol they have to thank me, which is enough for me.
Honestly, who has time in this world to send “thank you cards” to the guests afterwards.
In my view when you invite someone there is an understanding that you want them to attend your event and you’ll be grateful/thankful if they do! The rest seems extravagant.
I must add that I’ve not attended any wedding outside Pakistan, so it all seems strange to me.
:k: )