My good friend is divorced. Her divorce was due to many reasons but primarily due to the fact that her husband at that time was in love in another woman and was cheating on her. After their divorce, he married this woman. My friend never remarried.
She has a daughter with this guy. He still a part of her life on a monthly visit basis. He’s very nice and kind to their daughter even if he’s not involved in her day to day.
Her daughter now is coming of age - she’s 15. She has lots of questions and often asks about the exact reasons why they separated. At moments - it seems like she’s accusing her mom of not trying hard enough.
She hasn’t told her truth and brushed her questions off like “it didn’t work out”. etc But sometimes wonders if it would be a good idea to tell her truth one day. Would her daughter appreciate the truth? I don’t think her former husband would ever bring it up or take the blame by having the conversation. He’s a coward like that.
Or should she stay quiet not to ruin the semi perfect image of her dad in her daughter’s head. She would continue to bear the burden of that secret and she might be a culprit in her daughters eyes forever.
The truth is always less complicated and can difuse future issues.
I would tell the daughter the truth but not seem bitter about it.
Like he was in love - and love is a wonderful thing unfortunately I was on the wrong side of the love triangle.
I wonder whether the husband acknowledges his role in the failure of the relationship? Assuming that his infidelity was the main reason, and if he's been fair to his ex and is an honest man - then the truth about him cheating should come from him because it does two things:
1) If your friend tells her daughter the truth, she - she becomes the messenger bearing bad news. Her daughter can choose to believe or disbelieve it, and she may sound like she's blaming her ex - typical bitter ex.
2) If the ex tells his daughter, it saves the mum from being the bearer of bad news and it gives the dad an opportunity to take responsibility for his actions which may allow for the daughter to respect him for admitting his mistakes as opposed to hearing it from the mom and losing respect for him.
Mind you, the conversation should be had with both parents present and with ground rules where the parents agree to not say anything negative about each other.
The guy himself will never bring it up. He doesn't' want to lose respect in front of his daughter. I don't think the daughter questions him. They have a formal relationship.
She does question her mother. As so many girls do with their mothers.
Mature thing would be to handle it together but I think the choice is her's and her's alone whether she wants to give out that information to her daughter.
Your friend at this moment is the bad guy in her daughter's eyes. She should tell her daughter to ask her father "since he was the one who didn't want the relationship to work and it is his story." Your friend should make sure to inform her daughter that it was the father who choose to end the relationship/failed the relationship.
Just hang back and see what he says, if he takes responsibility or blames his ex-wife. If he blames your friend, she should come clean and let her daughter know that cheated on her with his current wife.
That's tough - it's a shame that the ex won't take responsibility for his actions.
The mom should lead up to the conversation by asking her daughter why she needs to know and what difference knowing the why of the breakup will make to her.
If the mom can have the conversation in such a way as to not "blame" the ex and just tell the daughter the facts, then I think she should tell her. But the mom needs to be careful to not sound bitter or blame the ex, no matter how she may feel personally.
Her daughter now is coming of age - she's 15. She has lots of questions and often asks about the exact reasons why they separated. At moments - it seems like she's accusing her mom of not trying hard enough.
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I personally don't think she should tell her daughter. What the dad did was wrong, but he loves his daughter and it's natural for him to fear losing her respect. She needs her father as well.
One reason why it may seem as though the daughter is accusing her mother is because she lives with her. That said, she's going to have more conflicts/resentment toward the parent she lives with because she interacts with that parent more...and i think the tension from that may sometimes transfer over to her perceptions about the divorce. If the only thing that the mother is saying is that "it didn't work out"....that is rather vague and it might make her think that mom is brushing it off and is therefore hiding things or is guilty. The mom can discuss the matter with the dad and they both can decide how to approach this. Both parents can then discuss it with the daughter at the same time/place...so everyone is on the same page and there's more cohesiveness n less confusion. That way if the daughter does indeed blame/accuse mom....the dad can clear/smooth that out as well.
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One reason why it may seem as though the daughter is accusing her mother is because she lives with her. That said, she's going to have more conflicts/resentment toward the parent she lives with because she interacts with them more...
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that is true. My friend knows this and recognizes it but sometimes it's hard to deal with. It's hard being the bad guy all the time.
that is true. My friend knows this and recognizes it but sometimes it's hard to deal with. It's hard being the bad guy all the time.
That is why both parents need to talk to her at the same time and the dad can make it clear to her that mom is not the bad guy. Hearing this from just the mom makes mom sound defensive. Hearing this from the dad as well will emphasize this point better. But I don't agree that the mom should tell the daughter about the cheating. She has kept a "pardah" over his gunnah for years...yeh bahut bari baat hai...for her to preserve the image of her child's father. And nowhere in ur post have you mentioned that he's a bad father. It's his gunnah......so let her discuss with him how this should be handled and i think both parents should approach daughter together.
Question: Does ANYONE else.....another family member, friend etc...........know about this affair? If the daughter keeps digging, is there ANY way she can ever find out about the affair from a 3rd party?
I would tell JUST cuz she would find out from someone else too... And who knows what they would tell her.... Its all the same... Birds and the bees, religion, etc... Kids need to be told the truth.
I wonder whether the husband acknowledges his role in the failure of the relationship? Assuming that his infidelity was the main reason, and if he's been fair to his ex and is an honest man - then the truth about him cheating should come from him because it does two things:
1) If your friend tells her daughter the truth, she - she becomes the messenger bearing bad news. Her daughter can choose to believe or disbelieve it, and she may sound like she's blaming her ex - typical bitter ex.
2) If the ex tells his daughter, it saves the mum from being the bearer of bad news and it gives the dad an opportunity to take responsibility for his actions which may allow for the daughter to respect him for admitting his mistakes as opposed to hearing it from the mom and losing respect for him.
Mind you, the conversation should be had with both parents present and with ground rules where the parents agree to not say anything negative about each other.
Perfect scenario.....in the land of utopia.
Unfortunately it is very, very rare that a couple who divorced over infidelity would be able to come together for such an event.
If the daughter has been living with the mother with access to the father for only a brief period, the relationship between the mother and daughter is likely strong enough to bear the brunt of this news. (The mother probably has been the bearer of bad news before.) And if there is damage done then the mother will be in a much better position to repair than the father who is mostly absent from day to day life.
Another aspect that needs to be considered is that while the daughter may be ready to ask questions about the relationship, is she actually mature enough to handle the truth? This will determine how the information needs to be presented......
As long as the mother is not bitter about the end result.....she can find the right words to convey the message.
The truth is always less complicated and can difuse future issues.
I would tell the daughter the truth but not seem bitter about it.
Like he was in love - and love is a wonderful thing unfortunately I was on the wrong side of the love triangle.
I agree with this.
If mom chooses to explain this to her daughter in as non-judgmental of a way as possible, it might work out well.
I wouldn't want to blame my mom for something she had no control over. That's just me.
QUOTE]One reason why it may seem as though the daughter is accusing her mother is because she lives with her. That said, she's going to have more conflicts/resentment toward the parent she lives with because she interacts with that parent more...and i think the tension from that may sometimes transfer over to her perceptions about the divorce.
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I agree...Also, she may think that He is an amazing guy and automatically concludes it is her Mom's fault or he may have said, "Your Mother just didn't give us a chance" who knows, what has transpired...
Another thing is that teen girls are quite mean to their Moms. Its just an awful phase but during that time, they can't see what they are doing wrong but they blame their Moms for everything. Maybe because their relationship is much closer than with their dads.
If mom chooses to explain this to her daughter in as non-judgmental of a way as possible, it might work out well.
I wouldn't want to blame my mom for something she had no control over. That's just me.
I agree with Muniya too.....but we are talking about a 15 year old girl......there are all sorts of influences at play. Mother will have to tread very carefully.
14 through 19 is a time when teens think that they know way better than their parents....you have to keep this in mind......
I completely agree with Muniya and Reha. She is getting older and if her questions go unanswered, it will lead her to be more confused and angry about her parents divorce. You will only find out the implications of that, when shes much older and its to late to leave an impression on her. She will always resent her mother more, only because she is closer to her mother and automatically its the person that is most involved in ones life that we tend to take out our frustrations on. Its human nature. Maybe both parents should sit down one day and tell her together. If the daughter sees that there is still an understanding between them and it was the best decision to take but yet both the parents still keep her as their priority, it will help her cope more with it. There is always a fear of the child losing trust in all men if the mother comes off to judgmental or biased about the situation or lead her to lose respect for her step mother. Shes a teenager and her feelings will seriously impact her future if not handled correctly.
This may not be a comparable situation, but one of my husbands cousin was adapted when she was a baby from Pakistan, but no one told her. All of the family knew obviously as she was one of the youngest. Unfortunately no one thought it was a good idea to tell her until unfortunately after her father died when she was a teenager. On top of her fathers death, learning the news was extra traumatic. She is doing fine now mashallah se, but only she can know how it has affected her. So many questions that she can never ask her father. Shes an only child and has to deal with it on her own, with out anyone relating to her. I think our culture almost discourages us to not openly talk to our children about realities of life but the best time in my opinion is when they are growing up so they dont stay confused and later resent those closest to them. To this day, my mom doesn't realize how she keeps this mentality. I am married now and one of my best friends had a baby a while ago, so I was with her during the whole process but my mom was so scared, that seeing my friend go through a difficult pregnancy would scare me away from planning for my own baby! I mean that sounds so absurd but its a mentality. She would literally tell me, leave her alone and dont get your self involved in details because you wont want to have a baby if you come to know of these things! I mean common! ..I think open communication would of definitely helped my mom and I, and knowing she understood my feelings better by talking to me more would of helped me growing up for sure. Just going off of that, I would encourage for her to talk to her daughter about it. She should give her daughter some credit, kids are really smart, but in trying to protect them we sometimes forget that.
I agree with Muniya too.....but we are talking about a 15 year old girl......there are all sorts of influences at play. Mother will have to tread very carefully.
14 through 19 is a time when teens think that they know way better than their parents....you have to keep this in mind......
Its so hard isn't it? One of the scariest things ever is making a decision like this that could possibly forge the relationship you have with your kids for the rest of your life. Which way do you go? Is there a perfect way? Makes me really respect my mom...dealing with all of the BS we must have put her through as hormonal teenagers.
OP,you mentioned the divorce was due to many reasons and being involved with a woman was one of it.
so can your friend mention to her daughter about all those other reasons that led to a divorce and just hide this infidelity one?
i can understand that just giving a standard statement " things didn't work out" is not sufficient for the daughter anymore as shes growing up and she might be assuming that the mom must be at fault that is why she is not telling her any valid reason for the split up.
but if your friend can give details on other reasons for break up then perhaps the daughter would know that there were valid reasons that led to divorce.
If there are other people who know about your friends's husband's infedility then her daughter will eventually find out anyway. So she can't avoid the kid finding it out. What she can do is to control when the daughter gets to know and from whom.