PS: HE IS FROM DENMARK Could you now all edit you answers to suit the question> muahh love you for it.
I guess you all know i’m to be married probs in a years time or so. In the past 7 months although not enagaged word of mouth has been given, being an arranged marriage, i had little choice in who i’m to be married to.
I didn’t wana end up crying all my life and being locked up in some sort of farcical relationship like generations past. I took it upon myself to contact my fiance so i could get to know him, and although totally the opposite to my taste in guys i have told myself to be thankful for who and what i have and have given my 100% in genuinely trying to like him.
Problem is that although it seems to be me making all the effort and doing the running around. We only talk through MSN and even that is a disaster, he doesn’t even ‘talk’ I text him and sometimes he just never replies, and if i’m ever down then the irksome thing is he is never on hand to give me support.
His birthday is coming and i’m sooooooooo fuming i don’t feel he deserves anything and i have a good mind to block him on MSn and not talk to him till we are married because i can see myself disliking him…
Yaar DD Dont worry so much From what you have told me it seems that he is just totally from a differrent culture.
You’ve been brought up in the UK and your interaction with guys is diferrent…
He’s been brought up in a really conservative atmosphere it seems in Pakistan, prolly the kind of atmoshphere where guys do not talk to girls at all…And it is considered bad to talk too much before the wedding even if the girl is gonna be ur wife soon…
That does not at all mean that he is not kind or caring…and will not prove to be a good husband…he is just behaving like that coz of the culture he is from…
I can prolly not even imagine how hard it is for you but trust me its prolly hard for him too, he prolly gets weirdofied ke how come u r contacting him so much etc and prolly goes thru the same confusion ke what shud he do…etc etc…He’ll be making a huge transition by getting married to you too…just like u will be by getting married to him…
Both of you have a cultural gap and will have to bridge it slowly and its best if u meet half way…at the end of the day tho it shud be ok and if u r both committed to making it work, these cultural gaps will be insignificant…
but take it easy and be easyon him too for ur own sake and have faith in the relationship, i am sure ur parents chose someone who was essentially a nice person
The long distance relationships, especially when you are about to be married to the guy, needs to be undertaken with great care. Since communication is not as good as face to face, so chances of messing up the signals can be very high.
Re: MSN, some guys are just not quick typists, and some are just doing something else. Where is he, when he is MSN'g. Is he at work, or home? Is he even there, when you are sending him messages? Lots of time, in our home, the MSN starts as soon as the computer boots up, but we are not there. When I am at work, even during a conversation, I may just "disappear" if something comes up. Its to be expected.
You may want to hook up a bit more via telephone, atleast for a limited time, just to get a better idea on his MSN habits. Then arrange your expectations accordingly. For his birthday, you shouldn't be so antagonistic. Go ahead with whatever you had planned to give him. I am sure after you two are married, you won't have these communication problems of long-distance relationships, and live very happy lives together.
The msn thing doesn't mean all that much. If he's from a different culture he probably just doesn't know how to handle it. The fact that he's not your type or you don't seem keen doesn't bode well though. You want to give it serious consideration before going ahead. You've pointed out his bad points, so what does he have going for him?
Step 1: put on something decent
Step 2: go to a convenience store
Step 3: buy a calling card with some munchies on the side
Step 4: come back home dial the number
Step 5: ask for him and talk to him on the phone
Step 6: examine after some time how these conversations are and make your move to go through with it or not.
Some people may not agree with what i've said, they might say that its too rash to decide over the phone. I say that if you can have conversations with another without looking at them in your own comfort then you can surely get along with them in person.
Your tactic is to find out whether it clicks or not over the phone. Try it, it might just work : )
Not having face to face part in your case is to your advantage in my opinion since it removes the sexual attraction and just brings the intellect into play. The face to face can come later on in life when and if you two are married.
Calling may only be your first step. If he's not even enthused about talking to you on msn, then may be something is not right. Conversation is important, but face to face conversation is more important. What if he does something funny with his eyebrows when he talks, and it ends up driving you nuts for the rest of your life. hehe. That was a silly example. But I think one should get to know the person just a teeny weeny bit. You'll have the rest of your life to get to know the rest of him. Point being, you'll never know him fully, but as for now you need to be comfortable with what little you do know.
Other than that, marriages are built on trust, strangers end up together and live the happiest of lives, people in love marry and end up splitting. You never know how things will turn out. Just keep optimistic, don't expect too much, he could just be one of those shy ones. :)
i guess i dont have anything to say except repeat to whatever other guppies have told u above…:)…but bear in mind…Communication is vital and important in any kind of relationship…
good luck in ur shaadi behna jeeeeee…and wish u all the best…:k:…
Just remember that not everyone is comfortable with chatting over MSN. They're sometimes completely different people on MSN too. He just may be a guy who strongly dislikes internet chatting - I have friends & family who are like that.
I agree with the "give-him-a-call-and-communicate-your-worries" school of thought expressed here.
Guys thanx so much for everything you have said. In short i’ll just add..
Irem, he’s been brought up in pretty much the same culture and i have met him and talked to him before. Since we found out that the marraige had been decided since he is religious he is trying to hold back and i don’t understand why. I respect that he may not want to overly talk to me …but a hi, how are you, what have you been up2? just once in a while would be nice na.
Faisal bhai, he is at home, and very much free to talk. Weird thing is he will help out my sister with her uni/emotional problems yet totally discard me and my feelings which i find frustrating. Not that i’m jealous or anything but i just wonder sometimes that what is SO difficult about talking to me?
Xtreme, to be honest if i began to see him in a negative light i’d say there wasn’t much going for him in regards to being my type of guy. However when he IS nice, he is very nice and sweet but he seems to suffer some sort of ‘nice phase disorder’. I get 10 sms per day one week and then don’t hear from him for a month…god knows what’s wrong with him.
Prex, initially he refused to talk to me at all on the basis it was against Islam etc but then later he clairified the point with some cleric and decided he could talk to me. He knows i found it incredibly frustrating that i ‘might’ not be able to talk to him…and a couple of times i’ve told him he is insensitive and uncaring…and his reply was that’s the way i am and don’t expect me to change
Cocay, love the idea and ideally i would love to do that too. I want to be able to ring my finace up when i’ve had a crap day and yell at him down the phone, it’d be such a dream come true or just bawl down the phone when i’m feeling sad or share a happy moment in my life with him …but..he believes in supervised talks on the phone only so it’s out of bounds.
everyone else..ill get back to you asap, bear with me
DD sis listen if you do not like this guy in a marriage way, and he does not seem to be interested in you, then my God girl what are you doing? Will you still go ahead and marry him? If I was in your place, forget him, there are million fish in the sea and its no big deal, I would rather be alone then unhappy.
ummm …i dont think it is easy and a nice idea coz they are enagaged and families are involved too .
Disco Duck how long have he been in Dk ? mostly pakistani guys aint that shy here in Denmark , maybe uss ki nature he asse hoo like my bro in law , wo bhi kam boltya haiN . people are different from each other , maybe after shade u will see a big change in him …maybe he is one of them who hide theirs feelings and emtion before marraige (wasay such kind is very rare nowadays) bhuhut see reason hoo saktin haiN so dont take it very seriousily , inshAllah everything will be fine …
[QUOTE] Originally posted by *Disco~Duck: *
Faisal bhai, he is at home, and very much free to talk. Weird thing is he will help out my sister with her uni/emotional problems yet totally discard me and my feelings which i find frustrating. Not that i'm jealous or anything but i just wonder sometimes that what is SO difficult about talking to me?
[/QUOTE]
Maybe he is just shy talking to a girl who is about to become his wife. Maybe you should just give him some space. Go slow, figure out what makes him tick. I don't know. You would know him better cz you have met him and know him far better than any of us here.
I didn't want to say it, but someone has already said it ... the whole thing is not giving out a good feeling. I wish I don't say this to anyone. I wish you well. Good luck.
[QUOTE] Originally posted by *Disco~Duck: *
Cocay, love the idea and ideally i would love to do that too. I want to be able to ring my finace up when i've had a crap day and yell at him down the phone, it'd be such a dream come true or just bawl down the phone when i'm feeling sad or share a happy moment in my life with him ...but..he believes in supervised talks on the phone only so it's out of bounds.
[/QUOTE]
Supervised, that ain't bad. you are just talking about your day. for crying out loud it ain't phone sex thats going on. go for it : )
I actually know of people in a similar situation here. The guy was very religious, only 22 years old, and decided that it was time for him to get married. He got engaged and deliberately decided to have no contact with her until after the wedding ceremony took place. He felt it was inappropriate and against Islam to talk to his future wife!
Have you tried talking to your parents about this and asking them if they could arrange it so that you guys could talk a few times?
However, I also ask the same question as Majestic. If he is acting like this now and making you unhappy, why are you going through with it? You are a young and attractive girl, you deserve to be treated better than this … especially if the guy can be civil towards your sister and not you.
That’s just my two cents.
By the way, how old is he? Will you be moving to Denmark after the wedding? How do you feel about that? How did you end up with this guy?
^ Well I was thinking along similar lines, athough I hadn't got to the crackpot stage yet. If he's talking to your sister, why don't you ask her what she thinks of him?
Not that i really understand wh he's prepared to talk to her and not you but you probably know the situation better.
I text him and sometimes he just never replies, and if i’m ever down then the irksome thing is he is never on hand to give me support.
Dont worry so much 
but trust me its prolly hard for him too, he prolly gets weirdofied ke how come u r contacting him so much etc and prolly goes thru the same confusion ke what shud he do…etc etc…He’ll be making a huge transition by getting married to you too…just like u will be by getting married to him…
NOOOOO we dont have to ask praex what he wants 
Goodluck
