Why is that we women have to give up everything for men?
I had an agreement with my fiancee that we will move to my country after the first half year of our marriage. So I could renew my contract here and travel back and forth between him and my country in that period. So I go on and start applying within the company I work for and get a good offer but unfortunately my future boss could compromise with letting me work remote for many days in a row so I had to turn the offer down after a lot of effort.
So my fiancee suggests that I can apply for work in his country and I go like " we’ll move back to my country later, right?" and he is like"we’ll see…it depends on how you feel about being away from your family after the long period"
And I get stunned. Cuz I thought we had an agreement/understanding that we will move after those months. I made it very clear to him that I will move to his country cuz of his family situation but since that wont be relevant after some period, then we can move to my country. Now he goes like soche gein…what is that about?and where is the credibility?bande to ek baat karni chahye aur ussi par qaym rehna chahye!!!
Or do u think I am being childish???
I feel like I am going back to the depressed state of mind. It took me forever to get out of it and his promise to move was one very important factor in me feeling better.
Do u think I am immature?
I know that girls have to give up a lot in our culture but I am really feeling miserable right now, crying, that just the fact that we are women, we are expected to give up our family, career, freinds and network. It is just not fair!!!
Not to forget, that I am very direct in my communication. I am not the kind of person who uses paki strategies to apni baat manwana. I just ask what I need and what I feel like. is that bad? or is it sometimes wiser for a woman to do chalaakis and let the man think he is making the decisions?
I just cant do that. its so not me and I am sick of paki ways of interaction anyways and I would feel suffocated if that wud be the case with me.
I wish I could just tell him how much I am hurt but I fear that he will find me very posessive
I know how you feel.
I don't like having to use tactics and charm to get my way.
If I communicate something clearly, then why should I have to find other means of accomplishing what I want?
I know that girls have to give up a lot in our culture but I am really feeling miserable right now, crying, that just the fact that we are women, we are expected to give up our family, career, freinds and network. It is just not fair!!!
a couple is one family, a couple is living in one place: it means when two people from two separate countries marry together, one has to give up his old life for the other member of the couple.
You may see it as unfair, but women refusing to "give up" the life they had before marriage is the first reason to divorce in the west, not love marriage, but the fact a couple is a union, and there is no place for individual thinking in a couple.
So my fiancee suggests that I can apply for work in his country and I go like " we'll move back to my country later, right?" and he is like"we'll see...it depends on how you feel about being away from your family after the long period"
Why are you so rigid about not moving to his country? What is wrong with 'we will see' statement? I sense some fear in you about leaving your territory.
you sense? You sound like that dude from the matrix, the black dude whats his name
But you do have a point there.
Why wouldnt you CONSIDER moving to HIS country?
btw you make it sound like you have you own kingdom and he has his own and you cant leave because there are alot of people relying on you.
But the only reason you arent willing to move is because of a job?
Chameli, yes u are being childish. When u grow up u learn to be flexible. From what u have told the guy seems flexible..he is not sayin gu have to do this or that..but he knows that things can change with time. U never know how the situation will be tomorrow, u have to be able to adjust. Why cry over an totally unpredictable future. I think thats silly. I dont understand why girls cry so much over these things. I know that it must be extremly hard to leave ur own country and family behind. But who knows what the situation might be in a few months. Maybe u will be happy in his country..if u let him make u happy and not cry and be negative. Be positive always!
Chameli, I know the feelings This should not only be about your career..what about your family and his family?
Yes he is being very unfair becuz he promised you, but job can be very temporary thing, do not have to stay at one place, you can always find good prespects at new places. If this is about you having to live close to your parents, then you should definitely talk to him straight about his promise. Looks like he lured you into thinking that he will move to your place and now he will change his mind after marriage. But please don’t make this about the job etc..these things are minor.
I can see where shes coming from and i know how she feels cuz at one time i was in a similar situation to her.
Chameli...I'll briefly tell you my story if its any help:
lets get to the part where we were in love with each other and he didnt want to leave his country.....so i agreed that I'll come to his country....cuz thats the usual thing to do...the girl usually moves.
at first mom was ok about it but then later on she didnt really want me to move.....so i didnt want to do anything to upset mom....because im really close to my parents...anyway i talked to him and i didnt know what to do....i couldnt leave him or my family....so like you i did kinda start crying when talking to him....and him being the sweety he is, he said "dont worry about anything, you just relax, and I will come to your country i promise....I will talk to my parents about it and everything will be fine".....
and now he'll be coming here soon insha-allah....
I really didnt expect him to change his mind...but he said that one thing is for sure that he cant live without me....so he doesnt mind where he lives as long as its with me. his family are cool about it too....
so dont worry about anything....talk to him and sort it out properly ....there shouldnt be any "maybes"...everything should be clear from the start before getting married :)
come to some compromise and dont worry about anything :)
So my fiancee suggests that I can apply for work in his country and I go like " we'll move back to my country later, right?" and he is like"we'll see...it depends on how you feel about being away from your family after the long period"
Chameli, believe me when I say that I do see where you're coming from. That being said, I don't understand what you're so upset about. I remember reading your past posts about how badly you wanted to marry this guy. You've gone through a lot to finally be where you are now....which is planning your married life with this man.
Even though I'm not married, I moved out to a different city after I graduated from college which was a little over 2 years ago. At first I missed my parents terribly...my mom used to call me at least once every single day for several months. But after a while, I settled into my new life at this new city....I had my new job, I made new friends. After a while, I didn't miss my parents as much...and they stopped calling me every single day. Now I talk to my parents once every 2-3 days and visit them once every 6 months.
I don't see anything wrong with the comment your fiance made. After moving to his country once you're married, you'll have a new job, you'll make new friends....you'll have a whole new life. There is a good possibility that after living that new life for a while, you won't want to leave it. All your fiance is saying is to wait and see how YOU feel once the time period is over. He never said "no".
I had an agreement with my fiancee that we will move to my country after the first half year of our marriage. So I could renew my contract here and travel back and forth between him .......................
If I am reading what you have written correctly, the reason for the agreement was dependent on the renewal of your contract, which did not materialize. Hence, he does not find any justification for the move.
Being a desi, at the end of the day he feels the responsibility of supporting his family (you). (Most of the time,) desi wives are the first one to start criticizing their husbands if they don't have a job at hand.
i think you are being immature.... if you are very sensitive bout moving away from your home town, you should have found yourself a local boy.... i just wanna say , you and him have tried very hard to make both sets of parents agree on this union and its highly silly to make that go to waste over something as trivial as this...
i would probably have told u to fight for it if you had a kickass job at some high level and were on your way to becoming someone big... but its not at all like that... if i can find work as a fashion designer in saudi arabia, imagine how much more you can accomplish in another country (i bet it aint KSA!) ...
any argument that starts off with "why should i have to do it, why can't he, we are equal" is immature.. its not a competition.. learn to pick ure fights.. kuch uski suno, kuch apni manwao.... BUT, think things out ok .. dont just snap without thinking... relax
give his country a try.. who knows.. maybe u'll end up loving it.. yes.. u'll miss ure family like crazy.. it becomes even more close once a girl gets married... but its a step most girls have to take after marriage...
i would say do NOT go into this marriage thinking "ok fine.. we'll see...i'll make him move to my country later on"... nothing is definate.. if its a huge issue to you, i would say get it straight now.. u dont want to be broken hearted when after marriage he thinks moving back to your home country isnt a big deal... you should go in with the intention to be happy either way (his country, or your country).
BUT, i would say .. give it a chance.. ure 100%.... so that at the end of the day, if you are still not able to settle down, you nor him can say you didnt try your best..
Ms Paris I like u to know
Man u sure talk like a real pro
U have said it babe well said u know
i wish paki woman wud get dere head cured
if i was not taken i would have immediately proposed
coz u have won my heart my mind n believe me my soul
why is dere a shortage of smart intelligent woman i so much adore
da one i love is so brilliant so intelligent lil confused som day she’ll know
for life n for love for happiness gals One has to sacrifice everything u own
I have already lived in his country. I transferred my job there to see how things would turn out. I didnt dislike the country and people there as such but I missed my famly terribly and coundlt adjust. I didnt complain to him while I was there but spoke to him about it once I returned home. That is my reason to insist to live in my country. My job is secondary.
He wasnt willing to move cuz his sister is getting divorced and he wants to be with her and her child. And I felt like dying if I had to move, so we talked this over and over and he was ok with moving if I could move to his country after our marriage. His reason was that ppl would talk that the gilr made the guy move right after the wedding so it was best to aviod them talking bad about me.
I didnt feel treated well by his sister but since she never did or say something not nice in front of him, I didnt feel like complaining to him about it. Those incidents are scarying me from living there alone, without my family. I know my husband will be there but I dont think I would be able to talk openly to him about certain stuff like in-laws and how to deal with things...he would just find me being picky with ppl
I am getting management job right after our wedding and he said that I should not refuse it. But now the circumstances created by him are making me refuse the jobs. I will get a job there as well. its just the fact that a woman is taken for granted and expected to compromise for the man and his family but it would rarely go the other way around.
Maybe I am just panicking. InshaAllah, I will have a good time when I move but I really wanna move back and to do that I dont wanna apply the paki style chalaaki to convice him. just wanna be direct with him...and that I event cant do these days cuz he thinks I stress him out when asking him tooooo many questions about the wedding and the future.....
but who else can i talk to about all this??dont wanna worry my family and friends are all busy these days
You sound like that dude from the matrix, the black dude 
This should not only be about your career..what about your family and his family?
