Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
Wait, what?!
That is the whole point of marriage. If it's okay for you stay at home, it's okay for him to stay at home.
Yes but, usually, when women stay at home, they manage the household and household work. Men who stay home usually do not (although I do know of a couple of instances where the man did stay home and manage the household). I'm not stating that all men who stay home don't contribute to the housework but many don't, so let's not be disingenuous here. I don't know what the housework situation is with OP or if her husband helps with the housework while she's at work but if he doesn't, her statement that he doesn't contribute is most definitely accurate.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
Yes but, usually, when women stay at home, they manage the household and household work. Men who stay home, usually do not (although I do know of a instances where the man did stay home and manage the household.
They certainly won't do it if you pick up jharoo poncha as soon as you get home from work.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
This cuts off the who feminist theory about gender equality at its knees, doesn't it. The traditional gender roles are still strong. No one will be questioning the abilities of stay at home spouse if genders in this situation were reversed.
I guess an attorney can better advise you on how to save your assets in case of divorce. However, I will just give another perspective. When I was married, I was an intern, and only making a small amount of money. My wife was going to Pakistan and she wanted to deposit the gift money in the bank, while we were short of time. I told her to leave it and I will deposit it. She said, she is worried I might spend it, I felt bad about the comment, but anyhow, said, Ok fine, and did it before she went. Al Hamdulillah, in few months I had started to make a handsome amount. Thirteen years on, I still have not forgotten that comment, though I have never mentioned it to her. I wonder what she will think, if she knows I still remember that single sentence.
Being a breadwinner is important for a man. I know a few men, who after loosing their jobs during recession, divorced, left the house and moved out. They just could not face their families as failures. I know thats bit extreme, but it does happen.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
He doesnt ask me to make him breakfast in the morning, and I dont have to iron his clothing. If there are days Im busy and don't have time to clean the apartment, he doesnt mind. After our nikka he got me a gold set. He is book and street smart. I havent seen him with children so I can't say. When I first started cooking making roti, I set off the fire alarm :) (because of like smoke, not because I burned anything) and he laughed, ( some husbands get angry if the girls are not good cooks) but he was ok with it, and he complements me if I do cook something well.
Im not really sure what your looking for answer wise, but this is what I could think of.
Well.....since he doesn't have a job and I assume he's not attending classes/school.....why doesn't he do ALL the cooking on the weekdays? Do you think he's being a good husband by asking you to cook biryani after you come home from work at 9? Its great that you spend 2 hours making biryani/raita in consideration of his feelings....but how considerate is HE of YOUR feelings if he's asking you to make it in the 1st place after you've been at work all day? Shouldn't he have something for YOU to eat when you come home after working all day long?
You wrote you do "all the house work". Why? If he's a loving/caring husband......why doesn't he do the dishes, laundry, and general cleaning? What does he do all day that prevents him from doing the house work while you're at work? In fact....seriously....what exactly does he do all day long....every single day?
You wrote that you "KNOW" that he will go on a shopping spree if he knew how much you made or had a credit card. The fact that you're saying that you KNOW that you cannot depend on him to control his urge to spend money even though he doesn't have a job....you don't think that right there shows what type of husband he is?
BTW, how long has it been since he came to the U.S.?
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
First, he is acting like an a**hole and he is clearly in the wrong.
Second, there is a reason for the way he is acting and it is because he must be feeling emasculated. Growing up in a Pakistani environment you tend to feel like a major role for the man is providing for the family and him not doing that must be making him feel disappointed in himself, angry and frustrated deep down. He wants to know you financial position because he wants to take financial control. This doesn't make the way he is acting ok, it's just the explanation for it.
I've seen a related situation in my family. An uncle of mine supported his wife and children when they moved from the middle-east to North America - his wife is a doctor and she had to spend 5 years requalifying to practice medicine. He stayed in the middle east during that time and worked to support the family. When he later moved to join them, he could not get a job in his field (too old for entry level work, his 25 years of foreign experienced in his field not recognised by employers. He ended up staying at home while his wife began providing very very well for the family and it was clear to everyone that he was not happy with the situation. His resulting acting out (trying to really control his children's lives) completely wrecked his relationship with them and now his own children despise him.
Unless you really want a separation, the best thing could be to do whatever to get him into work to get his ego back on track.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
I dont KNOW exactly what he will do, but commonsense he will buy stuff, he doesnt have income, it may fall all me. Why should I take that risk? I don't want to be in a situation where I get a random bill that I can't pay.
He doesnt always as for biryani randomly, but it does happen.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
This cuts off the who feminist theory about gender equality at its knees, doesn't it. The traditional gender roles are still strong. No one will be questioning the abilities of stay at home spouse if genders in this situation were reversed.
I guess an attorney can better advise you on how to save your assets in case of divorce. However, I will just give another perspective. When I was married, I was an intern, and only making a small amount of money. My wife was going to Pakistan and she wanted to deposit the gift money in the bank, while we were short of time. I told her to leave it and I will deposit it. She said, she is worried I might spend it, I felt bad about the comment, but anyhow, said, Ok fine, and did it before she went. Al Hamdulillah, in few months I had started to make a handsome amount. Thirteen years on, I still have not forgotten that comment, though I have never mentioned it to her. I wonder what she will think, if she knows I still remember that single sentence.
Being a breadwinner is important for a man. I know a few men, who after loosing their jobs during recession, divorced, left the house and moved out. They just could not face their families as failures. I know thats bit extreme, but it does happen.
This too unfortunately is the result of how we impose gender roles. It doesn't have to be that way. I despise double standards. I'd worry just as much any man would upon losing my job, I don't know what I would do if I couldn't provide for the family. That is my source of pride as well. It has nothing to do with gender roles. I chose to be this way. I just don't understand gender roles. I don't agree why it's looked down upon if a man wants to be a stay at home dad. It is still about equality and not gender roles.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
What is your husband's qualification ?
Can't he work odd jobs like cashier/stocking shelves in retail stores or is that beneath his/your/family's dignity ?
What does he do all day, every day ?
What if he never goes back to work and runs out of the ten grand saving ?
What will he want then ?
Do you earn enough to be the sole bread-winner of the family forever ?
How old is your marriage ?
Isn't there a concept of short term / long term marriage (7-years) when it comes to divorce in the US ?
Long term you have to divide assets half and half and the higher earning spouse has to pay monthly alimony forever ?
It is prudent to want to spend conservatively when an employable spouse is unemployed. He should demonstrate that he understands that point.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
so no one answered, am I right for not telling him? The thing is I save some of my money on the side in case something does happen.
I don't see anything wrong with that in your situation.
Even though this may be uncomfortable and may cause some friction between you two when he tries to find out.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
so noone answered, am I right for not telling him? The thing is I save some of my money on the side incase something does happen.
I can't answer this. I'm very sympathetic to your situation but bear in mind that to him it looks like you don't trust him and that you have divorce in your mind (since it looks clear that you're trying to keep what you have hidden from him). This makes it easier for him to make divorce threats himself.
On the other hand, my gut feel from your story is that once he finds out, he will try to make financial "suggestions" at best and demands at worst. Which may well make things even worse.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
In regards to whether or not you should share your financial information with your husband, I think you must go with what your common sense dictates. If you know for a fact that your husband is not financially responsible and will make poor decisions, such as irresponsible spending, if he has access to your financial information, perhaps it is better not to share your financial details with him.
However, this is not a long term solution as you cannot go through your entire marriage hiding your finances from him. Have you considered a possible compromise, such as discussing your financial situation with him but without giving him complete access to your finances (ie. giving him your credit card, passwords, etc.)?
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
incase he doesnt work n divorce happens,is it possible for him to hire a good lawyer with 10k dollars savings. just asking. does he have friends to lend him money in that case
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
he will find out your income sooner or later; you can tell him if he keeps pestering. At worst he will try and make financial decisions for you which you can ignore if you don't like them.
I hope he does have a plan to work though. Most immigrants get odd jobs and pay for school at the same time to upgrade their skills. They don't just sit at home and do nothing.
I know this guy who immigrated and worked (and is still working ) as a security guard for 7 years, while prepping and giving exams to be a certified doctor in canada. He's passed all three exams now and is now looking for residency. He never stopped working throughout, even though his wife was working . They worked as a team and made it happen.
If some one is good as Stocks thats all good, but Ive never regarded stocks as anything more than a side income. Me and my husband have suffered some losses too in our experience . There are too many ups and downs so one can't depend on it solely for income.
I commend you for trying to be a good homemaker and working woman as well. Its not easy doing both and doing them well.
I hope your husband succeeds in whatever goal he has in mind so that he can spend on himself and you and take more responsibility.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
CPA: your husband sounds like a douche. He doesn't appreciate you at all. Making biryani at 9 when you come home from work...kudos to you on that.
my advice is ditch loverboy and spend time with a real man. extends hand
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
so noone answered, am I right for not telling him? The thing is I save some of my money on the side incase something does happen.
NONE of us can tell you whether or not its a "right" decision. But based on the information I gave you on the 1st page, it should be obvious to you that in the event of a divorce, he WILL find out all your financial information. Same if he starts working and you two file joint tax returns.
So now that you already know that you cannot hide you assets from him during a divorce.....why don't you ask yourself what benefit do you gain by not telling him. And ask yourself how you plan on hiding your income once he gets a job (ie. tax filing).
At the end, its YOU who needs to decide whether or not refusing to share this is what's best for YOUR marriage.
Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
^ This!!!
Telling or not telling him how much you make won't make a difference. Giving him access to the money will. You have control over how the money is spent - set a budget and don't give in to him if he makes unreasonable demands.
