Teenage daughter.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

My daughter is turning 14 this year.
She is pretty good kid.
Two things we always have discussion about:

  1. Sleepovers at other people’s homes.
  2. She wants a puppy.

On the first point, we live in US therefore we cannot trust anybody since we do not know anybody so intimately. I although allow if any of her friends comes over for a sleepovers. She knows that I am not opposed to that but I and her mother are opposed to the idea of her sleeping over at any friend’s house.
I even told her that if there is no man in the house of any friend of her than it is possible.
I have told her that I am paranoid and her mother is strictly opposed to the idea.
I have told her that she will thank me one day when she would have a daughter to teach her that there are some limits which should not be crossed.

On the puppy issue. I do not have anything against pets but her mother has phobia against cats and dogs as pets. We are Muslims and have this things against being too affectionate with dogs. We were not raised to love dogs as Westerners do.
Last time we had this argument I told her that if she stops asking for a puppy I would enroll her for guitar lessons. She has been asking for those for a long time so she accepted that offer and now she is learning to play guitar.
But still she would occasionally hint about her love for a puppy.

She does not accept the offer to have some other pet , a cockatoo or some other pretty bird, bunny , guinea pig, fish aquarium etc.

The other day she asked me that if she could invite boys from her class to her birthday party. I laughed it off, but I am sure her mother would faint if she asks the same question to her.

So give me some counter arguments I can use to make her lose these battles forever. :slight_smile:

2

Re: Teenage daughter.

Unless you know the family very well, you cannot trust your children spending the night at a stranger's house regardless if there is a man present or not. if she wants to have sleepover, can she invite her friends to your house?
I personally don't think its a big deal if she wants to invite boys from her school to her birthday party, but thats just my opinion.
as far as a puppy, its ALOT of work. puppy is like a toddler, it is not trained, it will pee all over the house, bark, chew on furniture and shoes, and needs alot of disciple and training. puppies require alot of time and patience and if you cannot do that, dont even think about getting one. explain to your daughter how much work it is. since she is only 14, she is way too young to handle the responsibility. you will be the one cleaning after the puppy and training it. adult dogs are still easier to handle because they are already trained.. My husband and I argue over this all the time, he desperately wants a dog but I just cannot handle the mess. also, dogs are very expensive to keep as well. you have to take them for grooming, bathing every month and that costs alot of money. they also need daily walks, exercises, and training as well so they dont bite or bark. cats on the other hand are alot easier, and cleaner. maybe you can convince her to get a cat.

3

:k: Masha Allah, you and your wife seem to be wonderful parents! Raising kids in the west is a tough task - maintaining a balance between social and cultural norms. You guys are pulling pulling it off well, in my opinion.

On the sleep over part, you’re just like like my parents. We used to have the same discussions and my mom was also 100% against it. She didn’t even want anyone sleeping over our house. Her argument was “if they do, they’ll expect you to do the same and be upset when you don’t.” … yes, when. Not if :hehe: … The rules were the same for desi and non-desis. And didn’t matter if there was a male in the house or not. #foreverAlone](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=foreverAlone)

Are you sure you want a cockatoo? They, like all exotic parrots, are SO so so so loud!! Tauba. I’ve been trying to get rid of mine for quite some time :hehe:

Dogs/ puppies were and are a big no-no in my fam, mostly due to religious reasons. I did, however, convince dad to let us have a kitten. Mom was terrified of him for the first 6 to 8 months lol. But she’s grown to love him now too!

Im not a parent so I don’t have any parental advice… just speaking from/ sharing my experience lol. It was tough growing up and trying to come across as normal/ just like everyone one else, but it was hard with such strict parents. But like like you said, now that I’m older, I finally see they weren’t tyrants, they only did it to protect me from unknown evils.

4

Re: Teenage daughter.

I keep her telling that her mother and I are not a jailer , are not tyrants , are not her enemy , we are love her unconditionally and we do have some rule to protect her.
And she threw this to me " I know you are scared that I would get raped." :smack:
I was , embarrassed, bewildered and speechless on this comment since we come from a background where we do not expect this kind of straight talk from our kids.
But I am very patient man and more than two decades of Western living has changed me a lot. I responded after I composed myself, " you are right this is one of the reasons in addition to all other reasons which I have been giving you for years but since you were not grown up enough I could not bring that into discussion."

5

Re: Teenage daughter.

I do not mind any of the points you mentioned against a dog. If my wife would come aboard , I could have an outdoor dog but again my wife will not want my daughter to interact with a dog as passionately as is common in Western world.

6

Re: Teenage daughter.

dogs are like children, they require constant attention. keeping it outdoor all the time and not giving it enough human company would be very unfair to the dog and it can cause behavioral problems for him. Dogs are not easy to handle, people dont realize how much time and attention they need, and thats why so many of them are left at shelters or abandoned because the owners can no longer take care of them. sadly, most of those dogs are then euthanized unless someone else adopts them or foster them because shelters are running out of room to keep those animals. so please don't get a dog, it doesn't seem like you guys really want one and can be committed to it. dogs are very emotional and sensitive, they know if they are loved or not. my husband also wants a dog, but i know we just can't handle it right now. unless you want a dog 100% and are willing to do anything for it, just like you would take care of your child, only then you should get it.
Cats on the other hand can make a great pet which is alot less maintenance. they are toilet trained from birth, they dont pee anywhere in the house except for the designated litter box. you don't have to take it out for walks, dont have to bathe it or take it for grooming, and they dont require as much attention as dogs.

7

Re: Teenage daughter.

8

Teenage daughter.

Cats are mean though

9

[quote=“Mirch:10085853”]

With due respect, may I ask why not?

If it’s for the religious reason, then I dont think it’s said anywhere in shariah that dogs should not be interacted with. Its just said that angels don’t enter a room that has a dog inside. In fact, there is another hadees that mentioned a woman of bad character, all of whose sins were forgiven because she fed water to a thirsty dog in her shoes. Hazrat umar used to cry with a fear that he will be questioned if even a dog goes hungry or thirsty, while umar is a caliph. There is a fatwa about hunter dogs, that if you shoot down a bird, and your dog runs and brings the bird back to you and the bird is dead by then, it’s still halal.

Not to mention that the same hadees about angels not entering the room, mentioned the same thing about pictures too. We don’t see similar passion against pictures. Do we?

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Re: Teenage daughter.

[quote=““TLK””]

why did you quote me for what Mirch said?:confused:

11

Because Mirch and I are not on direct talking terms :frowning:

I keed. It was a mistake

12

Re: Teenage daughter.

Bella, I don't think dogs need constant attention (I know mine will happily spend an hour or two with his toys or amusing himself in some other way) but they do definitely need more attention than cats.. My little one probably doesn't cost any more to keep than a cat either.. maybe because I'm used to dogs I think they're fairly easy to look after and handle..

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Re: Teenage daughter.

Mirch, is she allowed to go on overnight school trips?

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Re: Teenage daughter.

by constant I meant alot of attention, more than most other pets would. my friends go to work, they leave the dog alone. sometimes the dog does get frustrated if hes alone for a long time and chews up wires and shoes. i find dogs to very emotional and sensitive.

15

Re: Teenage daughter.

^Yeah I suppose.. they are more like humans in that they want companionship..

Cats of course are happy to roam around on their own..

16

Re: Teenage daughter.

for point one. your daughter is aware about the risks involved and she's smart as well, mA. my siblings if they want to go for a sleepover to their friends house, get to go, but then my parents will pick them up around midnight, and this fulfills their wish to go to a sleepover with friends, but also be under the watchful care of the parent. there are risks over here in the u.a.e as well, so that's why my parents agreed to sleepovers but also to pick them up by midnight.

for point two, my parents made a deal with us since we got to Pakistan pretty regularly. we got a puppy when we went to Pakistan, and we trained him, then got him a family, and now there's about 4 dogs living at our house in Pakistan. Thing was my mom was totally against having dogs in the house, but outside as protection was very good. so, that worked out well for my family.

17

Re: Teenage daughter.

I was never allowed sleepover, pets, nada as a kid.

If I told people stories...they'd be bewildered.

This is part of growing up in the US where you've got the outside world and then your family. Actually I take that back...not US...this is a part of being a teenager.

I felt like my parents were jailers too at the time but now...actually years ago I realized what they probably had to deal with to protect us. I felt lucky to have such caring, doting and attentive parents who wouldn't let me out of their sight for a second. Sure, some people are very surprised - even my in-laws are more liberal and they are still in Pakistan - but I wouldn't change a thing.

Four daughters in the US...I am surprised my dad still has all his hair Mashallah. Fortunately, we weren't too bad.

What I am trying to tell you is...no matter how hard you try to reason with her...this is a phase she will just have to go through. And you will have to keep explaining these rules because she will constantly challenge you...that's the nature of the beast at this age.

However, it will pay off one day and she WILL thank you for being a good dad. Just keep doing what you're doing.

18

Re: Teenage daughter.

I was allowed sleepovers in my teens and though Alhumdolillah I had fun and things went well, I'm overall not too keen on the idea of them. My mom allowed me to wear makeup at 14, But I don't fancy the idea of my daughter doing the same. I fear I'll be more strict with her than my mom was with me in some ways. My kid will hate me, lol. Oh well.

19

Re: Teenage daughter.

Maybe I’m missing it b/c I’m not a parent but why is this a problem? :confused: Clearly she socializes with these boys while in school and/or during school activities. She may even have their phone numbers/e-mail/FB etc. I assume either you and/or your wife will be present at her party. She will also be surrounded by her friends. Meaning she’s not being left alone. So why the reluctance to let her invite boys at an event that’s being supervised by you?

20

Re: Teenage daughter.

No sleep overs in my dictionary.