Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi,

I’m new to this forum but I have been reading for a while and I would appreciate your advice.

So this is my situation:

I have known about this rishta for around 1 and 1/2 years and we have been ‘engaged’ for a few months now (i.e. i’ve been wearing an engagement ring he bought me a for a few months and told my friends etc- however my side of the family have not officially told the rest of my family- but I have heard that his mum has told his side :S). About 5 months ago ( before he gave me a ring), I agreed to give him my email address and we have been emailing each other ever since. It’s been quite nice talking to him and I have been **slowly **getting to know him a bit over the last few months. But what I want to know now is, How can I move the conversation forward? So far we just talk about normal stuff and all the usual pleasantries e.g. “oh, how are you? How was work? Whats new?” and thats about it :bummer: The start of Ramadaan gave us a liiittttttllle bit more to talk about like " yeah the fasts are really long aren’t they haha" but to be honest I really want to start talking about something more meaningful, and I dont know how to turn the conversation that way.

Its been a surprise that I have come to really like talking to him, as I was very reluctant about this rishta at the beginning but now I am totally ready to accept him as my fiancé and eventually my husband inshaAllah, and for that reason I want to get to know him more and move the conversation away from just asking how was your day and what have you been up to recently etc. I mean its been FIVE LONG MONTHS and we havent got any further than, “what do you do in your spare time” and talking about the weather :smack: :naraz:

I think he is shy, however, I dont think I will be able to be so bold as to just come out and say "look we are going to be husband & wife so lets stop beating around the bush - what are your hopes and dreams ??!! lol

To be honest we have NEVER discussed our engagement, our wedding or even the very fact that we are meant to be marrying each other before, its like the huge elephant in the room- so I cant see myself just starting to discuss more meaningful or important things all of a sudden. How can I subtly move the conversation forward and begin to discuss more serious things, or how can I even make it so we start to talk to each other like we are about to be life partners ? Any suggestions?? I’m tired of the acquaintance-style small talk with the person i’m supposed to almost be calling my husband !!

Thanks

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

[quote]
"look we are going to be husband & wife so lets stop beating around the bush - what are your hopes and dreams ??!! lol
[/quote]

you may ask his future plan/expectation. now a days, i observe that couple plan whole family before marriage. ;) and you are stuck in future dream ;)

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

do you have the same interests as him? do you know his interests? ask/talk about some topic. I would stay away from stuff you don't know till you learn it :P

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

Hi

Yes we have discussed things like our interests & hobbies, what we are like as people and even favourite colours, and surprisingly we do have a lot in common, there isnt anything which we have discussed that we disagree on yet. (unless he just agrees with everything I say and pretends to have the same interests lol) but even after asking these types of questions, the conversation still feels awkward and like we dont have anything to talk about :(
Imagine asking someone "so what do you like to do in your spare time?" and they reply "I like to watch movies" and then you are like "really?! Me too lol" after that the conversation just ....ends :-( and then we just change the subject

I think it is down to his shyness really because I know that he is more outgoing than he makes out, but i guess im pretty shy too, any tips ? I really want to move this forward and get more comfortable with him

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

Hi

Hmm that is interesting, that is the kind of thing I want to talk about I guess...but I wish I was bold enough to ask him "how many kids do you want"!! Dont you think he will get freaked out if I ask him something like that? I dont want to look too ...erm whats the opposite of cool and laid back lol

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

then you say or he says "what kind of movies?", "have you watched Silent Hill? Saw??? Atonement? iRobot? The Dark Knight Rises?"

you continue the conversation :P

and my guy he's pretty bad at continuing conversations as well but because this isn't an arrange marriage I get to throw a fit!

I would say if you want to talk about future plans you could ask about his nieces/nephews/little cousisn if he likes them and then gradually lead up to his own kids. etc

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

You may want to start with .. "What are your expectations with me as a wife??" Then ask "Whats your concept of ideal family?".. start with number of kids and yeah then all the lovy dovy talks you want will be started ;)

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

Its hard to comprehend that someone who can come up with such a balanced post is having hard time moving conversation forward and that too when its though email. :)

To start with you can discuss about your future plans. Something that you want to do in future (after marriage that is) such as studies, job, volunteer or being able to watch Zee TV dramas. Ask for his plans. I know its hard sometimes when both are kinda shy.

PS: also some discussions are better left for after marriage...

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

u wanna find out about wedding plans?? ..... why dont your parents talk to his parents?

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

better to do nikkah then go crazy ;) at least you get sawab too.

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

It seems like to me maybe you are both trying so hard to act cool and 'play hard to get' that neither of you are really getting anywhere...I guess one of you needs to take the plunge if you want to have more of an honest conversation with each other

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

He is the oldest sibling, and has younger bros & sis’s all in teens or early 20s so no nieces or nephews but that is a good idea, maybe I could ask about little cousins??? I have a lot of baby cousins myself :confused:

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

I dont want to talk about anything exclusivley for married people only- if you know what I mean- nothing like that, I agree that some things are better left discussed after marriage, all I want is to turn this conversation into something more relaxed and comfortable - like when you are talking to a friend. I want to be able to speak with him as if we were friends- and then with having that kind of attitude it would be easier to talk about things like future plans without it being awkward- dont you think? so just need a bit of advice to make things a bit more relaxed/ less pressurised

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

Ask him what genre he likes and then ask questions that concern that genre

and thats typical men for you
they don't know what to talk about so they shut up..

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

ok...so what basis did you two get "engaged"? you barely talk about more than "how was your day" or "whats the weather like"...how do YOU know if he is the one for you?

you havent talked about religion (do you pray 5 times a day? is he sufi? not religious? mullah?) , engagement, marriage (one year...five years?), kids (wait? right away? how many? what if you cant have kids?), school (continuing education if it applies?), working (after marriage or being a stay at home wife/mom?), living with in laws (moving out? how far will you live from both families?), finances (does he make enough to support you? will he support his parents and younger siblings?), etc, etc.

a lot of times these discussions can lead to know and learn more about the person and see if you are compatible. if you two havent gotten past the casual acquantance conversation, i wonder how do you know you two are right for each other? just my thoughts. theres certain things i personally would need to know and discuss to ascertain if this is indeed the person i want to marry.

i'm speaking from personal experience. i did encounter one rishta where the guy was nice and shy and we never got past the 20 questions phase. "how are you" "how was your day" "whats the weather like"....he'd ask his 20 questions and be like "thats all i have for today. anything you'd like to ask me?" i felt the conversation was too forced and not moving anywhere so i declined the rishta because every conversation we had was the same and with so many moments of silence. yes, i know he was a nice guy. yes, i know he was probably shy. yes, i know it takes time to get to know someone. BUT 5 years later.... he is still on the market looking. i'm not judging...

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

agree with nabz. how would u know that he is the one for u? i hope you guys can talk about more things and try to become closer as friends so that it would be not be so awkward any more. maybe you can start by opening up and just discussing some general life aspirations

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

I decided to accept this rishta on the basis that I see myself as quite religious in terms of that I would always go the arranged marriage route and could never see myself having a love marriage because flirting and dating before marriage i'm just not comfortable with personally, regardless of it being the norm here where I live in the UK. I knew plenty of information about him before we got engaged, like his education, work, family etc. Therefore, even though I didnt know him personally, I couldnt really see any reason why I should reject him, as I said in my first post, I knew about this ristha for a year before I agreed, and we met about 7/8 months before I accepted his engagement ring, so it wasnt a snap decision, I was thinking it over for a very long time. Me not knowing him (or any potential husband for that matter) before an engagement was always the way it was going to be because i could never see myself having a love marriage. So how could I reject him before getting engaged due to the reason of not knowing him ?? I was willing to give it a chance and I am very happy with my decision- so much so, that i'm at the stage now that I really want our relationship to grow.

We are getting to know each other, but just slowly, He is a very sweet, friendly and caring guy and I cant wait to get to know him more and I think thats why I feel like our conversation isnt flowing, because maybe I am impatient and want to know everything about him now lol! I think I have given the impression of him as a person who isn't interested in getting to know me and isn't very approachable, but this is wrong, because the only problem I have with my situation is just the pace at which our discussions are going, not that we are incompatible, I do not feel this way, and this isnt the issue.

But you are right that there are things which need to be discussed before actual MARRIAGE, (I was fine not knowing these things before us getting engaged.)- thats why I started this thread, because I want our relationship to progress and us to share our views and plans, and I wanted **advice over how to steer the conversation that way without it being too abrupt.

But my question to you is, what do you suggest I do?- **the title of my thread is 'how do i move the conversation forward'

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

If you're engaged to be married, and it isn't just a potential rishta, then I think it's quite okay for you to ask what kinda expectations he has from his life partner and how he sees his married life to be. That will open up the way to more conversations about how he feels. In fact I think it's important you do so, because you should have an idea about all this. Also, ask about his life dreams, or just start sharing yours without him asking. That'll lead up to him sharing his with you as well. You can also ask him his fondest childhood memory, or an interesting incident that may have happened in his life. Ask him if he's had any regrets in life, his proud moments. And you don't necessarily need to find a way to get to these questions - just the next time you talk, be like, let's do random questions...and take turns asking such questions that might help you guys to open up to each other.

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

Talk about most controversial topic . . . hmmm . . . like gay marriage , or abortion , or having a gf/bf relationship etc etc .

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Re: Talking with a rishta- How do I move the conversation forward ??

sequin, it might be easier if u stir the conversation that way by talking about the engagement. like perhaps your engagement's six month anniversary. use that as an icebreaker and be like "o i just realised today we have been engaged six months, isnt that crazy?"....and followed by ..."it got me thinking....."

bring up the topic at least!