talking to ur fiance about private stuff

Lifestyle Relationships
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helo this is a bit personal topic for me so plz serious replies and sincere advice from experienced sisters.i come from a very conservative background even tho i studied in co education but never had such kind of frankness with my male classfellows.i got engaged A.H in totally arranged manner me n my fiance never met but we talk on the phone which started on his insisting 7 8 months after the engagemnt wen wedding was close.it was so hard for me to talk to him cz of my shy nature but anyways he was patient and now i m glad that i talked to him since it is 21st century and i now know so much abt him that i otherwise wd hav known waay after the wedding.
anyways coming to the main problem the thng is now the wedding is a few months away and i ha so much qs and thngs that i feel like they shd be discussed wid fiance before hand but cz of shy and careful nature i just stop myslef from asking.m listing some of the thngs below if anyone knows a correct way of asking these qs plz tell me
(i hav no sisters or close czns.non of my close frnds r married in complete arranged manner.)
1)i want to ask him the method of birthcontrol we r going to adopt after the wedding.i ws hoping that the topic wd comeup but so far it hasnt and if i wanna go on a pill i thnk i shd start now but i dunno his veiws on that so i dunt know wat to do.i know this indirect from our talks and all that he dznt thnk babies right after wedding for a year or 2 is a good idea but i m not sure if he is going to take care of it or shd i use pill

2)is it a good idea that while u r engaged u shd discuss ur after wedding plans (intimate) plans beforehand.one of my frnds said u shd discuss that so that u know wats cmng after the wedding and u already know wats cmng on wedding night and not uncomfotable or spoil his n urs mood.my frnd was like there nthng wrong wid discussing these details wid ur fiance cz they ll make u feel safe and relaxed on ur wedding day
i myself m very scared of the whole after wedding intimacy thng and i thnk it ll take a lot of pressure off me if i discuss it wid him.if anyone know how to start such conversation or any useful tips in this regard plz guide me.thnaks.if any one thnk i shdnt do sucj talk bfr hand plz tell too

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

  1. For number 1 take the pill just in case he is not ready for the show.
  2. There is nothing to talk about here. It is not rocket science. Your friend is just making the stuff up. Is she married? I guess not. If you are interested you can read kama sutra but it is taboo even if he talk about it you do not. He would judge you if you start or participate if he starts to talk about this stuff.
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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

thanks so much good advice

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

He already told you he doesn't want kids for at least 1 year...maybe 2. That's all you need to know. Make an appointment with a gynecologist and get on the pill. You need to start taking it at least 2 months before the wedding...ideally 3 so that your body is adjusted to the hormones. Also, some birth control pills give horrible side effects so if that happens to you after a few weeks or a month, you may need to switch to a different brand. Thus, starting this 2-3 months before the wedding gives your body plenty of time to get used to it so you're not dealing with any bad side effects all of a sudden on your wedding day/night and honeymoon.

Even if he uses a condom, I'm sure you can use your imagination and see how that can go wrong. So if your future husband has made it clear that he doesn't want children for 1-2 years and you're ok with that.....get on the pill.

P.S. If you really think he's going to have a problem with you getting on the pill and feel too shy/awkward to discuss it........once you have the gyno appt, then e-mail/IM/text whatever.....use one of those ways to let him a few days before the appointment that you made an appointment with a doctor so you can get on the pill. Baas that's it. Either he'll say "ok" or if he has a problem with it.....he'll start a discussion.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

thanks yaar.i confused for no reason talking to u guys has made thngs so clear which were already clear but i ws so naive to see

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

unfold by themselves.

Regarding your question about birth control, i would not suggest you to start taking the pills without discussing the matter with him since you are not 100% sure that he wants to delay having kids. From what i understood from your post is that you only got the idea from the conversations you had with him that he thinks that having babies right after marriage is not a good idea but he has still not told you whether you two should delay having kids of your own or not. in my view, had your fiancee made up his mind on not having kids right after the marriage, then he would have by now discussed the mater with you and would have discussed the ways to go about this as well. My suggestion to you is do not take the appointment from the doc until you clearly get his views on the subject otherwise it might jeopardize your r/s. Things like when to have the babies should be a mutually agreed upon decision by both partners and there shouldn't be any ambiguity left to it.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

  1. Best to talk about children and when you both want them before marriage. Nothing to be shy about just approach it in mature manner and the discussion about birth control will follow it. You both need to know how the other feels about having children and when you both want to try for them.

  2. Honestly there is no need to discuss what happens after the wedding. Like Mirch said its not rocket science and sometimes its best to just relax and be spontaneous. And seriously after the wedding don't expect to do anything the night of the wedding. You both will be tired, might go bed late, you will be emotional and both of you will be nervous and maybe even awkward. These things go better when you are both relaxed and comfortable with each other and best to just go with the flow and let it happen when it happens. There is no pressure to go ahead straight after nikkah. Just chill. You want your first experience together to be a good memory and if either of you feel you are not ready then just tell each other if a situation comes up after the wedding. No need to stress about it. You'll be fine.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

I can’t comment about #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) because I’m not married but as far as #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) goes, you can have a mature convo about birth control without making it raunchy or racy. I think every couple SHOULD have that convo because it’s a decision that effects both people. And there’s a lot of options in the form of BC out there so you need to figure out what works for you and him. Just stay on topic and talk to him about when he wants to start a family. That’s nothing to be shy about and it’s a big decision that needs to be aired out before you get married.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

Ok after reading the other responses I just realized this was a separate issue than birth control. There is nothing to "plan" beyond figuring out the birth control issue. Obviously you will go shopping before the wedding and buy some lingerie (for the wedding night and/or the honeymoon). If you are on birth control pills or if he tells you before for sure that he will use condoms.....that's all the planning you need. Like another poster mentioned, wait and see what happens. Many people are so tired that all they do on their wedding night is talk and sleep. Don't feel like you have to have sex on that night and don't say anything that gives him the impression that you're expecting it. It both of you are in the mood then it will happen naturally. Otherwise you have the rest of your life for it lol.

Of course if you want to.....you can mention indirect things (either verbally or through chats/texts) that you're going lingerie shopping or stuff like that....and maybe he'll comment on that and it will open a discussion....but otherwise, don't feel like sex has to be "planned".

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

Since @Mirch and @Paheli00 have already given good suggestions, my only advise would be, change friends. Or at least do not listen to you current corp of friends. They are not being helpful nor honest.

:chai:

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

I'd advise to wait until after marriage to discuss the intimate stuff. It's not necessary to talk on this without Nikah.
Just stay focused and pray namaz and make Dua.

Don't start taking pills without consultation with doctor/your mom/mom-in-law, etc.
Taking unnecessary medicine should be avoided at all costs. There can be side-effects of these things. It's too easy for people to suggest 'oh just take the pills'.....are they willing to be responsible in case the pills do damage/something to you ??

Babies take time, they don't appear in 10 days. I'm pretty sure he will change his thinking on kids after marriage.

Problems start when we(muslims) try to overdo things and go out of islam in these things and follow the non-muslims. This only creates more issues/problems/doubts/anxiety, etc for the people involved.

Stay within islamic boundaries, keep it simple and you'll come out better in the end.

(you may not like my opinions)

best of luck.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

I disagree. Babies do not "take time". If you don't want kids, and you don't have a MATURE discussion about birth control options, there's a chance that a baby might make an appearance earlier rather than later. If that's a risk that you're willing to take, so be it, but raising a child isn't all that easy -- as I'm sure you know.

No one's saying to "take pills" necessarily. There's A TON of options out there -- shots, IUDs, implantable devices, condoms, etc. But the use of such stuff depends on the individual and their husband/spouse.

Like others have said, chaskay lenay ki zaroorat nahi hai. I'm pretty sure it's possible to have a un-heated conversation about what contraception--if any--is wanted/needed. Keep to the topic (do you want kids? how soon? what are we going to do to prevent an accident?) and you'll be fine.

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LOL.....are you serious? Obviously every woman needs to go see a gynecologist before starting birth control pills. But you're seriously telling a woman to consult her mother and MIL before starting the pill?! Getting the "ok" from her doctor and husband isn't good enough?

Babies may not appear in 10 days but that doesn't mean that conception can't occur in 10 days OR LESS! Plenty of women managed to get pregnant the very first time they have sex.

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I don't think that even now in Pakistan a girl in most cases would go to a gyne on her own and get on the pill esp in an arranged marriage. I have heard most potential grooms talk about not having kids initially but then those plans go up in the air once they hear ammi say they want grand kids within the year. You can ask him if he is 100% sure that he doesn't want kids before bringing up the topic of birth control.

Regarding the second topic, Don't even go there.

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^The thought crossed my mind as well. I suspect the girls in Pak don't go lingerie shopping either. Such a contrast b/w the two groups.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

Advice for the future...don't discuss your martial affairs with friends...no matter how close they are. Its not like they're doctors, psychologists or any other type of professionals to advise as if they're pros. They're just as inexperienced as you!

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

Mirch bahi she is of shy nature and you sir recommending kamasutra?

Kya yeh khula tazaad nahi...

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

OP:

1- every girl should start the birth control from day one, I mean what are the risks you will not be pregnant for few months. Sufficient time to know should have kids with him or not. imo

2- for the starters search for bollywood intimate clips on YouTube/dailymotion, do you feel something? Yeh... Move forward to celebs clip with age gate off.. Learn from the pros. By the way it's kind a rocket science because very few have good know about trajectory and burning time. So most of the time we humans actually land on the wrong spot or before time.

That's the best I can advise without getting infraction, even though I took quiet a risk? If it work pray that my trajectory goes past beyond 50s.

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Re: talking to ur fiance about private stuff

wrong: the girls in Pak do go lingerie shopping by themselves :)

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^ don't worry she never went to anarkali...