Swearing at in-laws

[Theorist]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

@prototype

^ believe me, NOTHING works with some people. I have seen mils who have a sudden attack of high BP, hypoglycemia, passing out in public and what not as soon as they are confronted with anything esp by the son or husband. “Mainay iss din kay liay sari zindagi tumhayn parhaya .. maa ko zaleel kar rahay ho?” And a long list of taking everyone in family on a guilt trip. No one can utter a word in front of them

The only trips I get taken on free of charge. -___-

[Southie]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

jaleel

[Aaze]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

@Nad_e_Ali

So basically my husband and I got into an argument a week ago because of his mother. And we have been having argument on and off since the past whole month. my in-laws fight a lot with each other almost every other day which I believe was affecting my relationship with my husband, having so much negativity in the house. And I shared my feelings my husband but he took it wrong. I feel that every time my in-laws fight, my mother-in-law diverts her complete attention to my husband and over the past 6 years of marriage I have never seen my husband blaming my mother-in-law for the arguments she has with husband, in fact, he always finds faults in his father. I have tried explaining him that fil is not the one at fault every time but in return my husband burst at me saying that I’m am always against his mother. I started feeling really insecure about my husband and our relationship due to our constant arguments regarding his mother’s interference in our personal life. So last week on Mother’s Day I took my mil to the salon and her haircut, colour, and facial done from my personal money and my husband was unaware of it until we got home. I thought it would be nice if we both spend some good time together plus she deserves it because we do have a good relationship **but the moment she starts spending way too much time with my husband due to her arguments with her husband and loneliness , that’s where I start getting annoyed and jealous. And I have always shared my feeling with my husband to avoid conflicts. Anyway, I was expecting my husband to get a gift for me on behalf of our kids but he did not and when I asked him he replied saying he is not suppose to buy a Mother’s day gift for his wife. I asked him if you could buy a valentine’s gift for you mother then why can’t you buy a mother’s day gift for your wife. I don’t think I was wrong for expecting a gift here, my daughter is four obviously she can’t go buy something for herself so my husband should have bought something for her to give me but made an issue out of it. throughout our argument he swore at my about 6-7 times calling me a bit and I was shocked because he had NEVER swore at me before. I was so mad and in return i accidentally told him that your parents fight like dogs too. At that very moment, he left the room saying I have no value in his life. And he went directly to my in-laws and told them that I called them dogs.

It was completely unintentional, I have never sweated at my husband either but all that he said to me I couldn’t control my anger. A few hour later I asked my husband that I need to apologize to his parents so he went to his father and he said he does not want to see my face anymore or " wo mere pair ki jooti hai". So after 2 days I asked my husband again to ask his father if I can say sorry now because I felt really bad but my husband said he is really mad at you, and you need to give time to everyone. Since that day , my in-laws do not speak with me other than Salam. And my husband and I only talk regarding our kids n their school related things. He said he will not have any physical relationship with me until **I start respecting his parents, **that’s just stupid . I really do not know what to do if they are not even ready to take my apology . I still can’t forgive my husband for behaving that way, he has mad my life so complicated. He knew i said it by mistake, I wish he had never told them. I just hope time flies or I go back in time and erase those words.

So please give me some advice on how to deal with this situation.

Why do you get “annoyed and jealous” if she spends time with her son?

You should never expect someone to buy you a gift, a 4 year old can’t buy you a gift, but they surely can make you one .. Again, why do you compare yourself with your MIL i.e. valentine gift?

That’s really rude of your husband and totally uncalled for and the same applies to you. He swore at you, so you tried to even out by swearing at his parents. And then he rats you out. Just stupidity.

This is exactly the reason why you should never make your tongue so comfortable with swearing that you’ve no control over it.

Both of you need a class or two about respect and husband-wife relationship.

[kurripunjaban]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

My Mum has always said, whatever happens between husband and wife stays between husband and wife. If need be you take it to the grave, you do not involve a 3rd person unless your life depends on it. You figure it out amongst yourselves. And you know what thats gotten us? 13 years of a successful, happy joint family. Three couples under one roof.

Your husband was in the wrong for tattling to your parents, and that is something you will have to sit down and sort out with him. By the same token though, you shouldn’t have told your FIL about your husbands swearing either. You didn’t like the reply you got and I’m sure when your FIL talks to your husband about it, he’s gonna have a thing or two to say to you about it again.

We don’t share our most intimate moments with people. So why do we share our grievances and fights?

[Southie]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

Post 43 has me equally confused. Couldn’t disagree more. The classic "both sides wrong " approach.

Re above post, agree with first part. Re 2nd part, OP was gracious to apologize to he in laws. She wouldn’t have had to but for her husband’s motor mouth. To provide context in terms of how the word came out of her was not only appropriate, but necessary.

[Sweetmoi]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

@Aaze

This is exactly the reason why you should never make your tongue so comfortable with swearing that you’ve no control over it.

Both of you need a class or two about respect and husband-wife relationship.

This. Too much truth to deny.

[Reha]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

@Nad_e_Ali

Thanks to all the guppies for giving me good advice. I did apologize to my in-laws with my heart and they are now happy with me. However, I do know that I gotta work really hard to get their trust and respect back. As for my husband, he did not say a word to defend me, but I realized it was my fault, I was the one who uttered those words regardless to what the circumstances were and Im glad I did not have to rely on him to ask my in-laws for forgiveness. You guys pray for me that Allah swt also forgives me and clears my in-laws’s heart for me. I feel 100 times lighter now and I am so glad I discussed my problem here. I hope my husband realizes his part of mistake and apologizes to me too. When I told my father in law that he kept swearing at me, he replied saying “wo to mard hai, mard to bohat much kehte hain” but he did say that what husband did is really wrong too and will speak with him in private

I don’t think your FIL was defending him so don’t take it that way. He was talking about the fitrat of some men. He was telling you that you are a much better person and he didn’t expect this from you.

I am really glad you cleared the air with them and didn’t have to bring your husband in the middle of all this. You should not have to depend on him to maintain your relationship with your in-laws.

Husband will only realize he was wrong when he sees things between you and in-laws going well AND when you keep your feelings about your in-laws to yourself. No matter how crazy things get - do not say a word against them.

And don’t be jealous of your MIL…she is his mother. She gave him life. Tumhara koi muqabla nahin hai aur na hoga. Understand that. It doesn’t mean you are not in as lofty of a position as her in his life…it means you have a different position.

[geminifromkhi]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/images/misc/quote_icon.png

Originally Posted by Pisiform http://www.paklinks.com/gs/images/buttons/viewpost-right.png
you are nuts!

@badabing

Try living with a narcissist, not a pleasant experience! They put you down to make themselves feel better, start fights for the smallest of reasons that go on for weeks if not months. You have to walk on egg shells around them, allowing your own self esteem to be killed just so you don’t disagree with them and upset them. Only way to deal with a narcissistic woman, 3 talaqs or a swift backhand! End of!

By the way, I don’t condone violence, unless in self defense or to deal with a narcissist!

Badabing for once you are spot on but things are not always as easy as 3 talaqs or walking away. You are lucky that your dad chose you siblings and your mom over his family, but not everyone is that lucky.

Her husband seems like the kind of person who wouldn’t think twice before taking a drastic step, and his parents will encourage it all, without thinking about the grand kids.

So, unfortunately, like most Pakistani women she will have to bear with it.

[gudiaali]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

OP, good that things are back to normal for you wrt in-laws, however few things that went all wrong and should be taken of:

1. Never got yourself involved in the fights/issues b/w your MIL & FIL. The way you didn’t like your husband to tell your issues to his mom, same way you should also not interfere in what happens b/w his mom and dad.
2. Don’t give your opinion or take side of your FIL and blaming your MIL for the fights, because there might be issues that run deep b/w them, which you are unaware of, so better not to judge anyone.
3. don’t get Jealous of your MIL, if she is spending more time with your husband, remember that he is her son too, and as she has great rights over him. Be glad that husband is in the “Hisaar” of a mothers love and duas.
4. Focus on building good r/s with your husband, if you don’t have a good r/s of your own,and even if he spends no time at all with his mom, will not in any way improves your r/s with him. the issue as I see it is a weak r/s between you two, and not a strong r/s between him and his mother.
5. never compare yourself with his Mom, you asking him for a mother’s day gift because he got his mom a valentines gift was really immature. if you were feeling so much for the gift, you should have asked him without bringing up the invalid reason that if he buys valentines gift for his mom, then he should buy mom day gift for you too..
6. Don’t compare yourself with others in the world. if you see everyone around you celebrating mothers day, that’s not really the reason enough that your family should also celebrate it. Look at things from every angle. Those families around you might only be giving their mothers much needed attention on just mothers day or appreciating them on just one day, would you want that to happen to you too?
   7.Be patient and wait for the right time: When your kids are little grown up, they can buy you gift themselves, would express their appreciation in hundreds of ways.

[ZainabAli94]

Re: Swearing at in-laws

I’m really surprised at a lot of the answers here asking you to try and calm your husband down etc. Honestly, what you said was very small in comparison to what he said. Yes, you were wrong to compare his parents to dogs. He was wrong first by swearing at you, and second by going and instigating more problems between his family and you by telling them what you said in anger.

If it wasn’t for your daughter, I would’ve recommended that you reconsider staying with a man like him. But honestly, the problem here is that he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t get the right to swear at you over such a small issue.

Your only mistake here was making the comparison to dogs. I would suggest you go speak to your in-laws, regardless of whether they want to see you or not, and explain to them that it was taken out of context, and that you don’t mean it, apologise and leave it at that. And honestly, I wouldn’t speak to your husband and be intimate with him until he apologises to you for his behaviour and learns to respect you.