So basically my husband and I got into an argument a week ago because of his mother. And we have been having argument on and off since the past whole month. my in-laws fight a lot with each other almost every other day which I believe was affecting my relationship with my husband, having so much negativity in the house. And I shared my feelings my husband but he took it wrong. I feel that every time my in-laws fight, my mother-in-law diverts her complete attention to my husband and over the past 6 years of marriage I have never seen my husband blaming my mother-in-law for the arguments she has with husband, in fact, he always finds faults in his father. I have tried explaining him that fil is not the one at fault every time but in return my husband burst at me saying that I’m am always against his mother. I started feeling really insecure about my husband and our relationship due to our constant arguments regarding his mother’s interference in our personal life. So last week on Mother’s Day I took my mil to the salon and her haircut, colour, and facial done from my personal money and my husband was unaware of it until we got home. I thought it would be nice if we both spend some good time together plus she deserves it because we do have a good relationship but the moment she starts spending way too much time with my husband due to her arguments with her husband and loneliness , that’s where I start getting annoyed and jealous. And I have always shared my feeling with my husband to avoid conflicts. Anyway, I was expecting my husband to get a gift for me on behalf of our kids but he did not and when I asked him he replied saying he is not suppose to buy a Mother’s day gift for his wife. I asked him if you could buy a valentine’s gift for you mother then why can’t you buy a mother’s day gift for your wife. I don’t think I was wrong for expecting a gift here, my daughter is four obviously she can’t go buy something for herself so my husband should have bought something for her to give me but made an issue out of it. throughout our argument he swore at my about 6-7 times calling me a bit** and I was shocked because he had NEVER swore at me before. I was so mad and in return i accidentally told him that your parents fight like dogs too. At that very moment, he left the room saying I have no value in his life. And he went directly to my in-laws and told them that I called them dogs.
It was completely unintentional, I have never sweated at my husband either but all that he said to me I couldn’t control my anger. A few hour later I asked my husband that I need to apologize to his parents so he went to his father and he said he does not want to see my face anymore or " wo mere pair ki jooti hai". So after 2 days I asked my husband again to ask his father if I can say sorry now because I felt really bad but my husband said he is really mad at you, and you need to give time to everyone. Since that day , my in-laws do not speak with me other than Salam. And my husband and I only talk regarding our kids n their school related things. He said he will not have any physical relationship with me until I start respecting his parents, that’s just stupid . I really do not know what to do if they are not even ready to take my apology . I still can’t forgive my husband for behaving that way, he has mad my life so complicated. He knew i said it by mistake, I wish he had never told them. I just hope time flies or I go back in time and erase those words.
So please give me some advice on how to deal with this situation.
I am not married…so I dont know if I should be advising on this.
But anyways, I have married friends and cousins who regularly tell me about all these jhagras with inlaws and husbands. And I know another couple (very closely) who are just together to fight I guess.
So, anyways, based on what you wrote I dont think its your fault. Yes you said that his parents fight like dogs but thats just a phrase to describe a situation where people fight a lot, it doesnt not mean you called his parents dogs, and its very mean of him to tell on you.
Unfortunately, your position is weak at the moment and you must bow down. Since your fil is so angry, and your husband is also being so uncooperative, I suggest you talk to your mil. Go all emotional, and tell her you did not mean it that way, and appear mazloom and all. Hopefully she will melt, and will then calm your fil down.
I’m sorry, in all of this, I could not read where your husband apologized to you, for calling you a derogatory term? Seems to me like he is avoiding soul searching on his own part, because he believes he is not at fault.
From now onwards, avoid getting involved in the conflicts between your parents-in-law and this would include expressing your opinions to your husband about whom is more at fault. I’m sure the kids must be able to sense that there is some tension between you and them. Could you bring this point up gently with your husband? Would you feel more comfortable apologizing to his parents if he were with you? If so, then ask him if he’ll support you in that. If you don’t feel comfortable, then consider approaching your in- laws on your own (when u see fit) and apologize to them. And tell your mil/fil ( gently) the point about the kids sensing that things are tense between mom and grandparents… So that in-laws can hopefully see beyond their own feelings to the well being of others too. Sometimes the longer people go without speaking to each other… the more distance it can create between them…so consider taking the first step on ur own.
I have doubts that explaining to your in-laws about ur the gaaliyan that husband gave which led you to exploding at him…would do any good. It’s more likely to turn him against you and if he tells them that you chose fil’s side over mil…it’ll create more tension I think So… maybe it’s better to avoid getting into that.
And when husband is calmer, u both have issues of your own to sort out (tactfully). For instance, he shouldn’t be complaining to his parents about your mistakes. Conflicts should be resolved privately between you two and in a civil way; nobody should be shamed openly like this. But the way you both handle your issues need to be discussed at some point.
I think you should apologize to your in laws about what you said directly because they shouldn’t have been dragged into the middle of this. Even if you were upset. Be sincere and tell them it was a mistake and you’d never say anything about them intentionally.
The problem is not your in laws, its your husband.
When it comes to your husband…I’d refrain from giving in too much. He called you names, disrespected you and thinks its okay to do so. That is not okay.
If I were you, I’d make sure your relationship with your in-laws heals first…your husband needs time to think about what he’s done. Right now, its pointless even talking to him so I wouldn’t. He is angry and all he’s thinking about is what you did.
Never ask for a gift and never tell anyone you are expecting one.
Second, never expect a reward soon after doing a good deed (taking mil to salon), it takes time to realize someones good intentions.
Thirdly, your husband is stupid to have disclosed your conversation to his parents. I know some one close, who does this whenever he has arguments with his wife and it annoys the hell out of me. After this is over, talk to him about it.
yep I blame it on your husband, you should be able to trust him and discuss whatever. He shouldn’t be informing his family of your conversation, that’s breach of trust in my opinion.
I think this is exactly what happens when you are kind to the wrong crowd, should have never bought that MIL a gift. Some people never deserve kindness.
You’re right. I shouldn’t have dragged them in our argument but they are not even ready to accept my apology at the moment and it’s been one whole week. I spend most of my time in my room like a prisoner after I compete the chores and stuff.
Tough situation. I can’t give much advice here. But one policy I have now is: never even bring up the guy’s family members in any discussion. Unless you’re giving a compliment. The fact they live with you this is hard. But still!
Lol, is this for real? Just out of curiosity, where are you, back home in Pakistan?
First, your FIL is a beta who needs to man up and control your MIL. Give her slap if required like my granddad would do to my narcissistic dhadhi. You are meant to respect and follow your parents in everything that is correct, not when they are wrong - try and get this through your husbands thick skull.
Second, your husband shouldn’t have gotten married if he was such a mamas boy. Why is he angry, he should feel lucky that you didn’t swear at him. Surely whats good for the gander is good for goose?
If I was you, I would ask for your god given right to separate abode, live separate from this Star Plus Kahani going on with your in-laws. What, are they uneducated or something? Trust me when I say this, your children will develop complexes later on in life from living in such an environment - I should know, I had to live with this crap up until my 22nd birthday when me and my oldest brother finally put my dad in a position to pick his wife and kids or pick his mother and divorce our mother. What is it with these Paki guys and their mamas, FFS!
I feel for you. I m praying that your husband will soon ..v soon be normal with u. N u shd just apologize to ur in laws . Unfortunate but u must do it on ur own your husband is immature.
Your husband is an idiot for reporting what you said in the heat of the moment to his parents. Very bad, what is he a 8 year old running to tell his parents. Should never ever drag parents into fights between husband and wife. Just makes it so much more complicated and they are clearly biased and will think bad of the partner. While the partner will forgive and forget, parents don’t as easily. He just made it 100x worse and more complicated for you and himself. He committed a major blunder and went against basic rules of marriage for unnecessarily dragging parents into it.
You have every right to be upset about him not doing anything for you for Mothers day. You are the mother of his child, he should have done something to show his appreciation for you. But sometimes men are really stupid and need to be guided and need obvious hints. Don’t expect a man like him to be able to read your mind because you will always be disappointed. It’s sad truth. I suggest next time hinting how nice it would be if he would do something for you for Mothers day.
Now having said that, you shouldn’t have dragged his parents into the fight between him and you. Yes what you said was rude and disrespectful. But your mistake still did not warrant that type of response from your husband. You and your husband did not handle it the right way. Both of you need to learn a more constructive way to “fight.” What both of you did was extremely immature. Just focus on apologizing to your in-laws saying you said it in the heat of the moment and put of frustration after husband was saying calling you bad names (don’t go into exact details and don’t tell them what he was calling you, will only make it worse keep it in very very general terms), you didn’t realize what you were saying and you crossed a boundary out of pure frustration, every one says things that they don’t necessarily mean when angry and reassure them that you respect them so much and would never actually think that of them. They may do their own nakhrey and milk it to make you feel guilty but you’ll have to just keep apologizing and show you’re remorse, theyll get over it as long as you keep being respectful. Don’t let your ego get in the way, just remember you are doing this for your interest to clear up this mess.
Try living with a narcissist, not a pleasant experience! They put you down to make themselves feel better, start fights for the smallest of reasons that go on for weeks if not months. You have to walk on egg shells around them, allowing your own self esteem to be killed just so you don’t disagree with them and upset them. Only way to deal with a narcissistic woman, 3 talaqs or a swift backhand! End of!
By the way, I don’t condone violence, unless in self defense or to deal with a narcissist!
We live in Canada and my in-laws are here on super-visa and my husband and I are cousins, which makes it even more complicated for me. My husband and I are both university students and my in-laws are very nice people. My husband seems like a stranger to me. I have never seen this side of him.
How can people in the West live like this, especially in this era? If you back down, your husband will not respect you and will keep taking advantage. I’m not advocating being rude to him, but learn your rights under Islam and make him aware of them. If you follow this, there should be no problem.
What is it with parents forcing kids (emotionally) to marry their cousins? This is exactly why you should never marry your cousin. When you marry out of your family, when you respect someone, they will show you respect. If you disrespect them, expect to be disrespected.
Couldn’t have said it better! This whole mess started because of your insecurities and you managed to drag your husband in it! So what if your MIL gets close to her son? She is his mom!!!
My husband is the only son of his widowed mother and she got him after a lot of struggles and also lost a daughter couple of years back. So you can imagine her love and obsession for him but I respect that because someone in this world loves the guy as much as I do. Why is that a bad thing? She isnt a 27yrs old female trying to steal your thunder. Your insecurities and self esteem issues took over the best of you I guess!
Also you dont have to share every waking thought with your husband, that’s just stupid. Women think & feel on a different tangent then men (its more 3D) and men are very 1D, they only hear the exact words u have uttered instead of your feelings/rational behind it. And even if a thought is bugging you dont approach it so bluntly, be a little smart about it!
I understand where ur husband was coming from when he screamed at you although no doubt he shouldn’t have called you what he did.
OK fine, scratch the slap bit, maybe a bit OTT, but he should divorce her instead of making everyone around them feel miserable or her husband should man up and provide his wife a separate abode. God, I could run with this topic, but won’t. I don’t condone violence.
Seriously divorce? She gave him a hard time for not getting her a mother’s day gift!!! What is she a 17yr old dating a 18yr old?? And she actually fought with him on that. Also butts in and takes sides in her in-laws personal issues and then like even voices that opinion in front of their son?? How naive do u have to be to understand that’s just dum!
And he is the one who is unfit and not a man and should get her a separate home?
So… maybe it’s better to avoid getting into that.