So my in laws are very over bearing and involved as I mentioned in my last post. My husband includes them in every small decision of ours from the colour of our furniture to finances. We have just moved to a new place and my inlaws have been super overly helpful to the point where I feel like I am in no control over anything, from packing to arranging to assembling. It almost feels like they are competing against me to be part of their sons life. There is one thing being helpful and another taking complete control over everything in our life. It is hindering me and my husbands growth as a couple and our own routine. As I am expecting our first child soon iA it takes me a longer time to do work around the house but I always have this pressure to do things before they can… It’s nerve wracking My father in law didnt sleep 3 nights to do all our packing and boxing things then reassembled everything the same night we moved in, he put stuff in my kitchen and now I have no clue where what is I have told him nicely and politely that I would do it he need not worry about it but he doesn’t listen, my husband jokes that he is stubborn like that!
All this is making me feel superrrrr possessive about our coming child to the point where I don’t want them to live with us and control how I take care and upbring my child. Thinking about all this is making me depressed and once again I’m unable to say anything to my husband…
Hmm. Do you think maybe your in-laws are more involved in setting up your home because they don't want you to be doing laborious work as you're pregnant? That's another angle to consider.
They have been like this from the very beginning, even before i was pregnant FIL would cut me fruit, cut the onions and tomatoes for me when i was cooking, arrange my fridge mop my floors, do the laundry etc its like they want to take over i can do all those things by myself perfectly well. In the beginning it was just awkward but I was respectful thanked and thanked him but now it's getting too much I want to feel independent in my own house like I've always been. I want to be able to do things on my own pace by my own choice i think i deserve my own space as a wife. i want to get up when i want clean when i want cook when i want and be able to go out and take a walk when i want. its sooooooo difficult living with them. I am not saying I don't want them to be a part of our life but not so much to the point where it is uncomfortable for me. Maybe I am not used to so much involvement, my parents are not like that at all.
MY dear u r very lucky that they are helping you ..like u said ur FIL didn't sleep 3 night to do packing . You should be thankful to them.
I hear girls complaining that their in laws don't help at house so you should be thankful to have so caring in laws...they are not competing with u for anything. So throw away all the negative feelings you have right now.
They have been like this from the very beginning, even before i was pregnant FIL would cut me fruit, cut the onions and tomatoes for me when i was cooking, arrange my fridge mop my floors, do the laundry etc its like they want to take over i can do all those things by myself perfectly well. In the beginning it was just awkward but I was respectful thanked and thanked him but now it's getting too much I want to feel independent in my own house like I've always been. I want to be able to do things on my own pace by my own choice i think i deserve my own space as a wife. i want to get up when i want clean when i want cook when i want and be able to go out and take a walk when i want. its sooooooo difficult living with them. I am not saying I don't want them to be a part of our life but not so much to the point where it is uncomfortable for me. Maybe I am not used to so much involvement, my parents are not like that at all.
You are very lucky. My in laws never help me in any house work and sometimes I use to get so tired all day cooking, cleaning and doing grocery shopping .
U are very lucky. be thankful to them and take care of them.
I know every women want to set their house their way but dear that's their house too so they have the right too.
Yes they are amazing caring people I never denied that Alhamdulillah! I am always grateful and never disrespectful nor do I intend to be its just not in my nature to be talking back or being rude. Staying quiet is hurtful at times though..but.... Everyone deserves some authority and control don't u think?
Even though FIL loves doing laundry, I do hope you are doing your own laundry at least. If not, I suggest you keep your dirty clothes hamper in your room.
Even if they have cooked something, go ahead in the kitchen and do whatever cooking you want. Variety is always good.
When he is helping you with cooking like cutting onions, etc, take it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. Start having a conversation.
Do your ILs want you to wake up at certain time, or are they stopping you from carrying on activities like going out for a walk, cooking, etc.
PS. once you have the baby, you won't be able to sleep whenever and for lengthy periods of time. The baby will literally dictate your sleeping, cooking, eating, bath, walks, grocery shopping, socializing, and all other schedules and routine.
PS2. Your FIL reminds me of my father, he would cut fruit for me and bring it to me, cut onions, tomatoes, and other vegetables for cooking, will wash the dishes so my hands would stay soft. What a blessing he is Alhamdulilah!
My father in law didnt sleep 3 nights to do all our packing and boxing things then reassembled everything the same night we moved in, he put stuff in my kitchen and now I have no clue where what is
All this is making me feel superrrrr possessive about our coming child to the point where I don't want them to live with us and control how I take care and upbring my child.
So....is this a joint family living arrangement? Or do you/hubby live in a separate house?
And if its your kitchen......so what your FIL put the stuff in there already? Since you clearly have plenty of free time due to your in-laws doing all the work.....go in and re-arrange the kitchen the way you want.
Has you in-laws actually told you not to go for a walk, or not to cook/clean etc?
I think when judging a person, you need to consider a person's intentions, not just how they make you feel. It's pretty normal for people who are close to us to annoy us or get in the way sometimes. But from what you've described, the intentions seem to be genuinely to help you and your husband out as you set up your home and new life before the child comes. The problem occurs when we vilify those people by characterizing their motivations as "controlling" or malicious in some way. They are trying to help you guys out. You might not like the way they're doing it, and so you should address that. But address it without making them out to be bad people. Go about your business, doing as much as you want to do the way you want to do it. If you see them doing something in a way that you would rather not, then just explain how you prefer it and say you're happy to do it yourself. If you don't feel comfortable, maybe express your feelings to your husband, again without using terms that imply that his parents have bad intentions, and perhaps he can drop a hint.
But you need to be careful. You do not want to hurt their feelings in a way that they are afraid to be involved in your life for fear of getting in your way. You will really regret the loss of such a great blessing.
So....is this a joint family living arrangement? Or do you/hubby live in a separate house?
And if its your kitchen......so what your FIL put the stuff in there already? Since you clearly have plenty of free time due to your in-laws doing all the work.....go in and re-arrange the kitchen the way you want.
Has you in-laws actually told you not to go for a walk, or not to cook/clean etc?
My in laws have their own house but my husband wants them to stay with us he is the youngest of 3 brothers and treated like a baby still. I guess he is used to asking sharing with them and relying on them.
Hmm yeah that's what I'm doing rearranging...it's not like they have told me not to go for a walk but I have to ask them then they would be like we will come with u etc i guess it's not them in many things its just me wanting some independence and space which I'm so used to living with my parents I had a car and control and authority as I am the 2nd eldest. I'm used to doing all outside work and inside I guess I just feel very restricted...:/
^ You're entitled to your independence and space. You just need to find a way to communicate this to them. You can say, "I'll be back in a little while." "Or I'm find going by myself!" If it's about the house then you can say, "Oh I have a plan and some ideas about how I want to organize/decorate these things. I am still finalizing it all, so you can leave them there." Or even if it's just through a playful comment your hubby makes or something. Try to keep things light, open, positive, and loving.
OP I think you need to strike a balance with your in-laws which TBH I cannot see being a problem as their control seems more helpful than not.
It may take a while for them to click that you can do things your own way but InshAllah it will work out.
Bad control is when your MIL won't let you go do 'dua' for a late grandparent simply because. Needless to say I'm considering a divorce as it seems to be my only option of getting rid of the cow once and for all.
No sisters? Perhaps that is why your FIL is so helpful and caring....perhaps he feels he got the daughter he always wanted?
Agreed! If that's the case then your FIL or MIL for that matter won't see any of their helpfulness as controlling as they will have done the same for their daughters thus it would be helpful helping.
Not a biggie though hopefully InshAllah. Maybe you could go paint/interior design shopping with them with a mood board of what you have come up with so far? If they are willing to spend time with you then it's a great idea to use that time potentially in a way that will keep you all happy.
My father in law didnt sleep 3 nights to do all our packing and boxing things then reassembled everything the same night we moved in, he put stuff in my kitchen and now I have no clue where what is 
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