Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi All,

I have got into a complex situation and my daily life is too much disturbed as I am not able to get out of this dilemma. I would like to hear some kind suggestion from you people that how should I move ahead. I am getting married in December after a long engagement time period of three years. This is kind of arranged plus likeness marriage but I have not been dating or so with that girl.

Things were going fine and life was smooth when 8 months ago this new girl joined my office. Initially we had no communication but after some months when we worked on some projects together I started feeling that I am being attracted towards her she is also giving positive response. Now one thing is to be noted here that, she new that I am already engaged and getting married sooner or later in 2008.

Eventually last month my parents fixed the date of my marriage and she got disturbed communicated her interest in me and cried a lot over this situation but I told her that I agree to the fact that we both have attraction for each other but my hands are tied and I can not do anything for now. First we tried to start avoiding each other but it did not work and we again started talking and going out if ever get a chance without considering that I am getting married real soon.

Her brother is getting married in few days and all of her family members went to village where the wedding is going to held she was alone in here at her home. On Sunday we decided to go out for lunch and spend some time together. We were together for whole day and in the evening when we decided to say it end of day and I went to her home to drop her. Said good bye and I just said that wont you offer me a cup of tea which she agreed and I went with her inside home. To cut it short we stayed at her home that night without any hangy bangy at all :), and it all even strengthen our relation.

On next day a new climax of the whole story happened which has disturbed me a lot and I am still unable to concentrate on work and daily things.

She did not have her car with her on Monday evening and had to a lot of things here and there for wedding so I offered her that I will go with her and she can finish all his stuff. While visiting parlor she handed over her cell phone to me for charging and explicitly mentioned that she expects that I am not going to read her messages or so which I did mind and had a little fight with her. She apologized and handed over cell phone to me for getting it charged in the car.

While sitting alone there in car this thing started hitting my mind and I did an un-ethical act that I started exploring her cell phone and came to know that she had an affair with some guy and that guy is married now with a kid but she still communicates to him and sometimes meet her as well. But also a fact is to be noted that, it seemed to me that, she is slowly and steadily trying it get him out of her life but probably not able to do it.

I know I did a very bad thing that I looked into her cell phone but the damage has already been done so nothing can be done to revert it back. I wish I did not know this secrete about her then at least my heart and mind did not have this new burden. After exploring things a bit further I cam to know that on Monday evening she met that guy after some time, the guy was not in favor of meeting but she insisted that she wants to see him.

Now this whole scenario has opened up a way of mental disturbance to me. I am unable to concentrate on anything even office work. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I do not want to loose her [also my inner does not allow me that I leave her after all what happened between us] but there are two things over here, First I am getting married real soon and Second is that she have/had a secrete affair.

Please please suggest me something in this situation that how should I move further, should I communicate to her that I know about her relation.
Most Important: Kindly do not start giving funny replies, I am too much tense so kindly serious replies only.

Thanks in advance for your time.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

It must be a major bummer to find out that your mistress is cheating on you with a married man. Sucks to be you.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

Your poor fiance.

It's one thing if you are attracted to another woman and cannot help those feelings. It's entirely another when you seek out extra time with her -- alone. That is disgusting, whether or not you want to admit it.

I am sorry, I have no advice for you at the moment.

4

My instinct tells me this is someone trying to parody Iconoclast's stories.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

my advice to you is to break off with this girl and then call your current fiance and break off with her as well.. you are going to screw up her life for no good reason if you do not break off with her.

you need to then sit down and re-evaluate yourself. You can fallen to a new low my man..

6

I am not sure if you knew what were you doing in the previous situation as well.

Unfortunately, you guys are not French, so all is not well in the current scenario.

Technically, you were cheating on your fiance and you got cheated by your girl-friend. I am not sure why you need to be worried. It is your fiance who should be worried. At least for the time being delay your marriage. Rethink clearly what do you want.

7

Of course my instincts could be wrong, but if this happens to be for real, this seems like the right advice:

8

Engaged for 3 years - and have not dated? what does that mean?

You did not have any communication with your fiance all this time? You have just exchanged rings?

You were suppose to get to know her and allow your fiance to get to know you.

Chances are even your fiance may have doubts marring you, since you did not have enough communications among each other.. chances are she must have fallen for some other guy also.

Do your fiance a favor - by keeping up with your other relationship - which makes you complete. Let your fiance lead a normal life - break off the engagement!

You on the other hand, deserve ALL that your mistress can give you - which includes, happiness and the betrayal and the suffering only one can understand if one is BEING cheated upon.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

IF and only IF you're serious here:

You need to get rid of your girlfriend. She obviously has a past that is trailing her and is in no position to give you anymore than you can give her: a few stolen moments of companionship. Thats it. Thats all this girl is offering you if you really sit down and think about it.

The difference between your girlfriend and fiance is that you havent been able to develop that bond with your fiance yet. And your fiance is not having an affair behind your back with a married man.

You're about to get married to a girl you like and your family approves of. Do you realize how many hearts you will break if you pursue your girlfriend? Your parents, your fiance, her parents? Is this girlfriend worth it when she isnt even honest and loyal to you????

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

whats the dilemma in the whole thing?

you were flirting with a girl and she turns out to be a biatch, happens all the time, move on.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

I dnt even know how you can think being with that other girl is an option. Its NOT.

12

ever heard of this "what goes around, comes around"
You were cheating on your fiancé and this other girl cheated on you….

First thing first if she was a decent and a sareef girl, she would’ve never ran after you especially when she found out that you are engaged and soon getting married….why she went out with you? Why she invited you over to her house? Isn’t she muslim, a practicing muslim? Doesn’t she know where there are male and a female alone the third person between them is syetaan….

Did you ever think about your fiancé all this time when you were having fun with your gf? Did you ever think, how would she react if she found out about you? What if she would do the same thing? What would you do?

*2 options: *

1) Breakup with your fiancé and DO NOT use her like a back up plan!

Because you don’t feel guilty of what you have done, instead you feel bad cuz you found out about this girl’s affair. What bothered you the most was her having another affair with another guy instead of feeling bad that you cheated on your fiancé. You didn’t mention once in your post that you feel bad for seeing another girl behind your fiancé. Why get marry to a girl when you don’t feel attracted to her and you are already seeing another girl.

2) Be happy and move on with your fiancé

Break all kind of ties with this girl, and start talking/spending time with your fiancé instead of this other girl. Fear Allah, and ask him for forgiveness. Promise yourself that you will never involve yourself in such act. Its maybe your parents’ duas for you that Allah opened your eyes. Its maybe because Allah don’t want you to follow syataan’s food step and want to give you one more chance to correct your behavior.

If you choose option (1), it might be a bit hard in the beginning for your family and for your fiance and her family but with time they’ll know it was best for them.

If you choose option (2) only because you fear Allah and you have made a strong promise to yourself that never in your entire life you’ll ever cheat on your wife, you can go ahead and marry her. Don’t marry your fiancé just because this other girl didn’t meet your standards and now you have no other choice but to marry your fiancé but marry her with all your hearts or dont marry her at all. DO NOT call this other girl and ask her for explanation, DO NOT talk to her about how you know about her affair. I am sure by now she already has cooked up a good story to convince you. Call your fiance and talk to her, find out about her likes and dislikes, plan for future. If this other girl ask you why you are being cold to her, just tell her lightly that you are busy with your shadi and all the things you need to prepare, you dont have enough time for friends.

Make it clear to her that you are very happy with your marriage. I think one mistake along with many other mistakes you did was to tell her / showed her that you dont 'love' your fiance, it gave her a chance to "try". When a guy or even a girl talks about differences that they have with their spouses, these kinds of girls and guys always try to take advantage.

13

Do not have words to appreciate your valuable suggestions.

But in here I want to clarify a few things.

  1. I have communicated to my fiance on phone several times and she is kind of Eastern girl who is regular in prayers, do parda all the time when going out. And yeah she prays a lot for me, I have had observed that my career boosted after I got engaged with her. She is no doubt in extreme love with me and respects me just as a pure eastern well educated and well mannered girl will.

  2. I know this sounds like that I am cheating on my fiance but honestly it happened in few days that I got much involved in this new girl. At first my relation with this new girl was just like office colleagues but then we moved to each other. On one side I realize that I am doing very wrong to my fiance and on the other side I do not want to hurt this new girl as well.

I have a strange feeling that she is serious in me and is trying to forget that old guy. Just to clarify that, she and that guy were planning to get married but girl's parents did not agree. Eventually that guy got married somewhere else and she till now is not able to get him out of her mind.

So the feeling that, "if I throw her away from my life will screw her life" has created a soft corner in my heart for her.

Overall she is nice girl but from a mod squad family, and very social.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

bhaijan, snap out of fantasies. Be thankful that Allah miaN has given you a loyal and loveable fiancee who loves you just because. itne lucky guys kam hi hotey heiN aaj kal.

All these other tamashay are fun but seriously, close to the end of our lives, some of us would be lucky to have held on to one person who decided to love us just because we were married, and without any worldly agendas.

15

another Alert!!!

A flirty colleague (called me his sister after knowing I was not interested :D) had once told me that he loved to care for all girls big/fat/small/tall/skinny/all ethnic background - and by doing that he was doing a favor to the community, by keeping a soft corner for these broken heart girls. Otherwise where would they go?, he said.

He said this is part of social service within a community...and I take pride in keeping them on my side. (None of the girls knew about his social service acts).

He was a male slut. He was a dirty minded guy, and his wordings were also absolutely wrong.

The original poster of this topic - does not sound like the guy I mentioned.. but girls should be aware of these men who are into social services for women.

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

Now im confused.... she can't get him out of her mind... yet when you told her your parents had set a date for your wedding she cried a lot. So who is she in love with you or him. It sounds like your dealing with a typical westernized, attention hungry girl, who wants to take things from others. The kind that has her eye on your plate when shes eating her own food. It doesn't seem like she is concerned with the fact that the other guy is married and your about to get married. As long as she gets what she needs. I understand that she wanted to get married to the other guy... but any normal self respecting girl would back away after he CHOOSE to get married to someone else. Who in their right mind wants to be the other woman? I think this is typical for her and I don't think it will make a difference if you are to cut off all relations and never speak to her again. She will just find another married man to run after. Some women want what they can't have!

Ughh disgusting... back away from her as quickly as you possibly can, regardless of whether you stay with your fiance or not!

Pakistan vs Australia - 3rd ODI - 2012
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If you do break it off with your fiance and get really serious with your girlfriend or even marry her....... how can you be sure that she wont do the same thing to you.... what if she finds another married man to flirt with... right now you've known her for a little time and your crazy about her......... you think shes really serious about you?.... your crazy thats all i have to say......... instead of saying anything to you indirectly ill say it clearly so it can get to your brain......... you do notttttttt deserve your fiance, you rather go behind an awful woman who you barely know rather then live your entire life with someone you know loves you like crazy and has waited for you for sooo long.......... i wouldn't suggest that you break the engagement off for you, you should break it off for her, because she deserves a better man then you someone who would really love her and someone who has a brain that actually works and knows what he wants........

your the one who put yourself in this situation and your the one whose gona take yourself out......... dont ask people for suggestions, do what you think is right not because were suggesting it! and just to be clear again ........ you've done a stupid thing!

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:)

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

Wow, quite an imagination...

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Re: Suggestions Required on Marital Issue

fair way, you have been carried away with charms of this experienced charmer girl who looks like after the catch, if she finds a better one tomorrow she will go for that one too. only that kind of girl move towards a married man and then to a engaged man.

by finding out about her real life, now you got the reason atleast to come out of this no end situation.

so sit back and stay away from this girl, try to focus only fiancé and stop flirting, dont mix flirting with love or sincerity here.

how many girls will allow a stranger to stay overnight before marriage?? in asian and Pakistani society its guit un common. so if she allowed i wouldnt recommend her as wedding material. and will be tough to handle if you decide to get married.

but i wouldnt be surprised if she still stick to you once you married to your finace.

you have been firting with her and she with you, its not all fault of this girl.

for a good marriage, build a trust with your future wife and stay out of filrting