Struggling to cope

Lifestyle Relationships
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Says it all really. The events of the past couple of years finally crept up on me and tonight I just lost it and totally bawled my eyes out in front of the kids. I feel doubly bad now for them having to witness it. My 12 year old bless her held me and got my toddler to wipe away my tears. Felt like such a cow a while later as my toddler copied me and started crying too :frowning:

Been having such a crap time lately. Been a single mum to 4 kids for 3 years now and I’m in the process of divorcing my husband. He has very limited input in their lives and does not help out financially. I had my 4th baby on my own and have done everything on my own ever since with no help.

My siblings are far away and too busy to help me out. My mum works so is not able to have them at all.

I have no friends, no support and nothing to look forward to. While I was married to the ex I was not allowed to have friends coming to my house or me going to them. As a result, my mates stopped bothering with me and in due course I lost all confidence in me. I also found that so called mates would only contact me if I made the first move. Now I’m on my own it’s just so bloody hard.

My entire days are spent just looking after the home, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing and ironing. I crave adult company, am absolutely starved of it yet I would not know how to go out in the evening with mates (if I had any) as I was never allowed out on my own after I had the kids.

I long to just pop out to the movies, get a baby sitter etc and just enjoy myself but have never, ever hired a sitter to watch my kids. It’s always been me that does it as the ex never allowed it.

So now I’m stuck in a rut with nothing to look forward to. Everyday is the same. The weekends are the worst, they just drag on , the kids are bored, I have no money to entertain them, I don’t drive so we can’t go anywhere. This may sound silly but if I do a big shop on a Monday, the cupboards and fridge is empty by Friday and the whole palava of shopping has to start again. I’m just so tired of doing everything myself, it’s physically draining and I’m just so fed up with everything. When I see my siblings with their spouses I can’t help feeling sad and jealous. I want someone to look after ME for a change but I love my own company.

Sometimes I feel like running out the front door and not coming back. My kids are my world, I’d take a bullet for them but they are hard work and demanding. They are not rude, naughty or mouthy, just being kids I guess. They are 13, 12, 9 and 2 and are doing their own thing and help out when they can but sometimes I just feel that I cannot enjoy them as much as I’d like to. Sometimes I yearn for their bedtime as it’s the only time I can have time to myself and just feel relieved that the day is over.

Feel like such a bad mum saying this. Would you say that I am depressed?

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Re: Struggling to cope

HEERANJHA](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/members/heeranjha.html)

You are not a bad mom…dont say that,you are going through a phase which every mother goes through and in your case you are a single parent so the phase is a little intense as you dont have anywhere/anyone to vent out.
InshaAllah i pray to Allah that things turns out great for you…i am unable to understand how you are running your home as in financially if you are not working neither does your ex provides his kids financial assistance…it must be really hard for you to raise 4 kids :frowning: if your friends are not calling you up,you make the first move,call them up..arrange pot luck dinner/lunch at your home…it would not cost you alot and you will have company too on weekends.

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Re: Struggling to cope

You need to make time for yourself. That's all. Not a bad mum at all. You should take up a hobby, go to sewing classes/painting classes or something of interest to you during the day whilst your kids are at schoool, find out if you can take your baby to them, or find somewhere that you can drop the baby for 2 hours.

You'll only have something to look forward to if you find something to look forward to. My parents separated when I was 14 sister 13 brother 12 and kid brother 4. My mum went out and got a job, learned how to drive etc. So you don't need to worry, a rut is all youre in, and you can and inshallah will get out.

Just put yourself out there and if someone is rude to you, unlikely it has something to do with you and more likely its something wrong with them. For the longest time if anyone angrily hoonked at my mum when she was driving she'd take it personally, now she curses.

XXX

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Re: Struggling to cope

oh man i want to give you a hug so badly right now, hope an online one will do :hugz: i’m sorry life is like this for you now, praying for you and hoping Allah watches over you and gives you strength, easier said than done i know but life will get better, you need to believe that more than anything. you just have to stay positive and try your hardest to survive, that’s the best way to show those people that weren’t there for you or that caused you intense pain, that you’re better off and that you are a survivor.

even mommies need some alone time to recuperate just so you can be a better mommy to your kids.

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Re: Struggling to cope

is there any reason why you are not working? Working, even part-time, can do wonders for you. Even if you were working at a grocery store, being around adults in a different environment is what you need. Is there any daycare around where you can place your toddler? Does the school your kids attend have any such facilities for your toddler? When will the toddler start nursery?

Reach out to your friends. Don't assume that they dislike you. You need to tell them how you feel and where you are coming from so you can rebuild your friendships.

No doubt, being a single parent is beyond challenging.

You should also look into getting some counselling to deal with your emotions. Frankly, you need some one to speak to who can help you get back onto your feet.

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Re: Struggling to cope

I don't really have any advise to give but just came here to say good luck. Inshallah things will get better for you.

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Re: Struggling to cope

You need to make a list of chores post it on the fridge and start taking help from kids for little things like peeling and choping the vegetables and fruits. Vacuuming and cleaning , setting up plates, dusting and moping , washing and drying up dishes, folding the laundry , getting the laundry out of the machine.
If they all pitch in which I am sure they will since you are such an amazing mom. If you wish you can get specific tips from me for involving the kids in those household chores via pms.
Start with making a list of things which are repetitive , identify the ones kids can do or help your in doing and you will see that you will bond better with those kids and you will have lot of free time to have quality time with your kids.
If you have no money to go out , you can still have fun , like playing board games with kids .
Start a piggy bank for having fun , if you cannot have fun every weekend you can do that once a month.
Make a budget assign money for everything . Set priorities for expenditures and household chores.
Don’t just get by live your life to fullest. You can but first you have to come out of this self pity stage. Yes life is a ***** but it will not stay the same forever. You can change your destiny and your kids destiny.
There are two good books which I can send you if you want.
Head of Household: Money Management for Single Parents
Help I’m Raising My Children-Rev.: A guide for single parents and those who sometimes feel they are single

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Re: Struggling to cope

Thank you very much for your replies guppies.

Pakista, AlhamdoLillah I am financially OK, the state provides for me and my children. We have a beautiful home which we are privately renting, plenty of space for the kids to run and play etc so I am not feeling down about that. Their dad is unemployed so cannot pay more than he is paying at the moment.

Most of the mums that I used to know are on another part of London where I used to love with the ex. Since I was rehoused to my current area, I have lost touch with them. We see each other very briefly at Eid and weddngs etc but I got the impression once from one of my married girlfriends that her hubby didn't like us getting together as I was on my own without a man WTH??? The weekends are primarily for homework and chores so I fond it hard to fit in a get together but I will try ad make an effort now.

Halima, I get what you're saying about hobbies. I can sew and knit and do spend most of my free time darning socks and sewing up hems on the kids uniforms etc. And I have taken up cake making. The thing I mostly have a problem with is that I don't feel comfortable about getting a sitter to mind the toddler or all the kids. It's just something I have always believed is my job, my responsibility and I have always taken care of them myself. But I do believe that if I was to overcome this hesitance then yes, maybe I can go and have a bit of 'me' time. I am also learning to drive now, God knows how badly I need a car to ferry around 4 kids. Thank you for your pointers.

Nisha25 thanks for the hugs, really needed them. Thank you also for your kind words and good wishes.

Mehnaz, I cannot work at the moment. My baby is 3 next April and that's when she'll be starting nursery education but that is only for 3 hours a day. I aim to get back into the job market when she is 4 and in full time primary education.

Mirch, a lot of what you have written is happening at the moment anyway. I have the kids chores written on paper and stuck on their doors so they know what they have to do without me telling them. That said, I would very much welcome the specific tips you mention via PM. Furthermore, I would welcome either of the two books you have mentioned. They sound fab.

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Re: Struggling to cope

I’m in a similar situation as yours and I’m not even single. :rolleyes:

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Re: Struggling to cope

You need to learn how to drive ASAP. Or is the problem, getting a car?

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I have failed my test a few times as I panic and make silly mistakes. I know I can do it, but for the nerves.

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How so, Hareem?

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So ... who the hell was saying a woman can survive without a man?

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is your comment going to help the OP? I don't think so! If you can't be nice to someone who is in a plight and not offer good advice, why not stay quiet :)

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Re: Struggling to cope

I'll pm you.

All I can say is hire a nanny or something even for 2 hours a week. It's essential for you to have a little bit time for yourself otherwise you'd go crazy.

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Women can cope very well without men. Any single mother will prove that to you. I am a single mother to a 10 year old girl, work full time and receive no payments from the ex. He left when she was one she wouldnt know him if he bumped in to her!! he never attempted to stay in touch with her or to contribute towards her. Only a man can walk away from his child like that!!
This poor girl isnt complaining about not having a man she is looking for 'me' time which is hard to find with kids.

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listen dont take is personally

and if you read my sentense you will notice it is rhetorical question, therefore being nice/not-nice is out of the question

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It's not about surviving without a man ShahreyarKhan. It's more about coping with my situation as it now is. I don't want my ex back and I don't need a man. I was merely asking for help and guidance on the best way to cope with zero confidence that I have and how to find time to enjoy being 'me' and not just a mum of 4

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Re: Struggling to cope

my apologizes, i want to clarify my post is not directed to you and (i suppose) has nothing to do with your situation ...

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Re: Struggling to cope

Big hugs huni.

It can get so hard for 'me time' when you have kids. Inshallah your little one should be in nursery next year so you will have the day to yourself to do the things you like or start a part time job. I have a 2 year old and know how demanding 2 year olds are.

Don't give up with the driving, take test after test and believe me, you will conker it. :)

Take your 2 year old to places like sure start play groups when the other kids are at school. You will be amazed at how many friends you make there.

I wish i lived closer, would have helped in any way I could.

Its only a phase in your life which will pass.

Just drop me a PM if you want to chat. :)