Hi all,
I am new here and am so desperate for help. Like a typical girl I also have in laws issues and am getting depressed with time. I have been married for 3 years now and it feels like I am a prisoner to my mother in law, she’s very dominating and controlling that even my father in law can’t say anything to her. She doesn’t like me and my husband sitting together or talking to each other, she dosen’t like us going out and if we do go out she then wouldn’t talk to us and would start crying in other words would just start emotionally blackmailing my husband as she says she missed her son and she wasn’t feeling well while we are out. Plus she dosen’t like when I go to my parents place whenever I am going or planning to go she starts feeding my husband about how a good wife doesn’t leave her house. She makes my husband sit with her till she’s sitting and watching television at night after dinner and only when she gets up to go to sleep then my husband is allowed to go to his room. Even the food that is prepared is of her choice and if we all go out then too it’s her decision where to go. It’s always about her all the time her sister her brothers are around. That’s just not it even if I go shopping she is with me and won’t let me but anything and then she start asking me to save my husband’s money and stop shopping. I am really fed up of her and I wanna get out of that toxic envirnment I am so stressed all the time and just can’t think of any solution. Many of you will think of my situation as absurd or funny, but trust me it’s not and am just going mad and I don’t know what to do. Feels like my life is ended already.
Re: Stressed!
Damn, that is one manipulative person… you know one thing I don’t get which I hear over and over again in desi marriages is the restriction put on the DIL to go see her family. It makes absolutely no sense to me AT ALL besides trying to control a grown adult for no apparent reason than just for the desire of control. I am sorry that you are going through this, treating two married individuals as 5 yr olds, that is just not ok.
The only feasible option would be to discuss moving out with your husband.
Re: Stressed!
I know that’s the best option but she has already threatened my husband that if we move out she will never forgive him and will cut off all the ties with him. You just can’t imagine the way she manipulates us.
Stressed!
You guys need to move. Your husband has a responsibility towards you as a wife also. His mother is behaving ridicilously! Was your marriage arranged? What is your parents opinion? Do you and your husbands even get any time together.?! This would be a make or break situation for me! I couldnt live like this.
Re: Stressed!
Our marriage was not arranged and that’s one of the reasons my mother in law doesn’t like me, I am stuck up badly!
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Always try to get to know the MIL prior to the marriage. I give them access to my Facebook even. The bad ones always show their true colors.
It sucks because most Pakistani mother in laws are like this.
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A few points:
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The arranged vs not arranged aspect probably wouldn’t make a difference.
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Being a fairly recent dad, I’ve been reading up on some issues in dealing with my toddler. One thing that stuck out was the following
I suspect the same principle would apply to her tantrums. Keep ignoring her when she throws tantrums about your spending time with your husband, spending time with your family, spending on yourself from your husband’s money etc and keep doing what you’re doing (within reasonable limits of course).
- If she sees that you are ignoring her tantrums and tries to get your husband to get you to conform to her whims, then tell him that if he was planning on being such a tool, he should have made it clear before you guys got married and you would have been able to make a more informed decision.
Note that points 2 and 3 are more of what I’d see as ideal and probably what I’d advise my own daughter if she were hypothetically to be in a similar situation but I can’t predict what outcome it could have on your marriage and don’t want you to end up in trouble. What I would suggest either way is to communicate how you feel to your husband and maybe even get your family involved eventually if needed.
Re: Stressed!
^ agree with the above.
I wouldn’t stand for it but then again 1. I’m not afraid of being divorced and can financially carry myself in that scenario and 2. I took my time to find someone compatible and although was having a miserable time being single I wasn’t willing to go with stupid families - most of these sorts of families you can figure out by talking to them that they’re backwards.
Re: Stressed!
I am also going through more or less same miserable situation, except I am a working women and she can’t control my shopping budget.
Well I have no particular advice to give u but I would advise u to keep calm and ask help from Allah.
Re: Stressed!
Yes that’s what I am thinking of to eventually involve my family, but sometimes it’s easier said then done may it be anything like if we ignore her she comes up with something else and if we ignore again she comes up with another fasaad or even if my husband tries to defend ourselves she than has something else to make it worse for us, the toxicity at our place never ends. Thanks a lot for your advice much appreciated
Re: Stressed!
No one in his or her right mind would stand the emotional trauma that I am tolerating and sometimes I am so clueless I just don’t know what to do u even think of leaving my husband but may beI am a coward or I don’t know. Guys she’s so interfering that she even wants me to wear the cloths of her choice and when I don’t she takes it out on me in some other ways to hurt me and that’s not it you can’t imagine the way she asks k intimate details about me and ny husband and when i said it’s too personal to talk about she started crying and said I was just asking out of love and not only that, she told everyone in the family and everyone came after me defending her. May be am waiting for a miracle
Re: Stressed!
So it looks like your husband supports you, at least to a certain degree. So it’s better than I thought. Well, if she has had a certain amount of control over you then I’d say your strategy is to break it down little by little. One good example that comes to mind is that when she keeps your husband tied up sitting with her watching TV etc. then go to your family at that time and tell him to get you when he’s done. Discuss it with your husband and leave the house without telling her anything. If she says anything to you later on, you could say that he was busy and you were bored and you think that’s a good arrangement to deal with this type of situation in the future.
Concerning intimate details asking, when she started crying then you could say something like “I know you’re asking out of love” and comforted her and apparently sympathize with her but then make it clear that it’s inappropriate to ask something those questions.
Again I don’t want you to end up in trouble. Just sharing some thoughts. Of course, before attempting this (or anything else for that matter) I would say get your husband on board. Make sure he understands and sympathizes with your concerns/situation.
Re: Stressed!
Looks like a classic of mother jealousy of son having someone in his life.
You can do something like have a talk with your hubby about what you want and talk to yoir other in law with husband present that this kind of behaviour is not on.
This seems to be note like inreasonable behaviour from your mother in law.
Re: Stressed!
your husband needs to step up and take a stand. 3 years is a long time and all of the expectations are set so it ll be difficult to change overnight.
Talk to your husband in a way that he understands that there are two families living in the house, not just one. and they need to define their limits and their interactions.
my mother is exactly the same and my wife is also facing the same issues. the problem for me is to balance both and i cannot keep up. its like taking off a bandage. it hurts but you have to rip it off - so talk to your husband and see how he feels about the whole arrangement.
Best would be to find a way to move out or away. ask your husband to switch jobs (if possible) to a different city. or get a bigger house so at least you can have your own portion or something.
I am still trying to figure out how to handle my situation without letting my wife take the blame for it. i am ready to handle the dirt that will come my way.
Re: Stressed!
You are right about my husband that’s why I am giving it some time. About going to my parents place, that’s not possible cuz they live in another city and even if I do go out and say I was bored or for whatever reason, she will say come and sit with us then. She’s a ver good player she knows when to do it and how to do it.
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May Allah pak help us both and if you find a solution do let me know as well!
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don’t worry .. no one is immortal. 
kidddinnnggg… kind of.
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Marriage is not what it is made out to be. In time gone you needed to have kids who would love you, respect you, protect you and take care of you. Values of society have changed and they will not take care of you anymore so all the nervousness about marriage is futile. Make sure you are emotionally, financially, physically strong and independent this way you will be with someone because you want to be and not because you need someone. Don’t marry a stranger, talk to him and connect with him for a long time to make sure he is your soul mate.
Re: Stressed!
Sorry posted in wrong thread but still a good message, don’t marry anyone who wont put you first. There is no one more important than the mother of your children.
Re: Stressed!
haha..I was thinking about toxins but didn’t have the guts to say this, if it was me I would see how the mil ends up sick a lot.