Hi SSBaig,
I have thoroughly read through the various posts on your thread and you've received many good suggestions. I agree with** Mistral** that a discussion between the FAMILIES needs to take place for several reasons. People are entitled to their own opinions about various wedding rasams.......BUT......one can always voice their opinions and requests in a decent and respectable manner. And he has failed to do that. To me, that's like a red flag. Also, he should display respect toward your family because they are a huge part of your life and will soon be a part of his life as well. By asking you to cancel the plans at the LAST MINUTE when he was FULLY AWARE of all the hard work that you put into the arrangements........is inconsiderate and disrespectful. And disrespect toward family is another red flag.
Marriage is a long-term commitment that requires a lot of compromise and how he treats YOU and your family is a far more important issue than these rasams. And that's why both parties need to reach a compromise in a family meeting.
When the elders from both families sit down and talk about the situation...........a BETTER UNDERSTANDING can take place. For example, right now he might not understand why you want your extended family members to attend your Nikkah ceremony. But in a family meeting your parents can explain to HIM and **HIS PARENTS **that you have relatives who have purchased tickets to arrive early and attend the Nikkah ceremony. In this situation.......his parents might be more understanding of your problem and they might even try to convince HIM to be more flexible.
Similarly..........during this family meeting.........your parents can explain to **HIM **and **HIS PARENTS **that the arrangements for the rasams have already been done and that you feel that a request for cancellation is sudden and last minute and you dont' want to offend loving family members who are eagerly looking forward to celebrate the rasams and have helped in arranging them. YOUR PARENTS can request HIM AND HIS PARENTS to reach a compromise regarding the rasams. For example..........if he doesn't feel comfortable with you displaying the baree he gives you.....then tell him that you won't display what he gives you..........but ask him if he would at least be okay with you presenting his baree that you plan to give him? If you can't have it both ways........then compromise on having one or the other.
During the meeting you can even try to coax him by telling him that the jootha chupai rasam will only take a few minutes compared to the "professional dancing" and will be over before he knows it. Maybe HIS OWN PARENTS might try to coax him to be flexible about this rasam. After all.......it's unfair for him to arrange all his activities (friends dancing and professional dancers) and not allow you to carry out your rasams.
About the money giving situation. I feel that if you bring the $20 dollars up in the family meeting........it will be embarrassing for him. So, instead you should try to coax him about this in a PRIVATE discussion between the two of you. Tell him that you would like to think of HIS FAMILY as your family........and that you would like for him to be comfortable with YOUR FAMILY as well. Tell him that a wedding only comes once and it should be a memorable occasion for the two of you and the family members who have so lovingly helped with the arrangements and attended the celebrations. Be HONEST with him and tell him that you feel $20 dollars is not a reasonable amount and that it would be better if it was a bit more. And then you BOTH need to reach a compromise on what the new higher amount should be. I know that you said he won't take your cousins anywhere for a treat.......but how do YOU KNOW.....he won't take them unless you ask him????? ** Don't make assumptions about him yet without talking to him.** It's possible that he might agree to giving $20 AND taking them out for a small treat (ice cream, lunch, etc). You could even suggest that he take them out to a restaurant that's not expensive. Even taking them out for ice cream is sweet and not expensive. Or maybe he can give them money along with a small gift (a box of chocolates)?
Maybe this sounds like a crazy idea..........but the point is to work out a compromise. And you need to remind him that you both should work together as a team to reach a compromise to make this wedding a memorable event.
**********Also, please talk to you fiance **PRIVATELY about his behavior. Please let him know that you want him to be comfortable around his family and that you were a bit hurt by his tone/attitude/demeanor toward your family. Tell him that you both are a team and that a compromise can be reached with open communication without resorting to disrespecting each other's family and calling each others parents "chichora." I feel that he needs to UNDERSTAND BEFORE HAND that he should respect you and your family otherwise he will think it's okay to behave this way after marriage as well.
SSBaig, you need to do two things 1) First have a family discussion to settle out the MAJOR issues regarding rasams.
2) Have a PRIVATE **discussion with him about the $20 and his disrespectful attitude. Since you have little time before the cermonies take place.......I suggest you get started on this ASAP. Talk to your parents about your concerns and ask your parents to invite him and his family over for a **MEETING.
******* I have heard of religious guy who are against these rasams because they are not Islamic. But.........since your fiance has no problems with hiring professional dancers or having the mehendi.........I'm assuming that he's not against these rasams for religious reasons. So, there has to be some other reason for his disapproval. Ask him what his reasons are. It is very possible that his family is pressuring him about canceling the rasams. I know that you said HIS MOM carried out the rasams for her other children...........but how do you know for sure? You did not attend the weddings of his siblings so you don't know what went on and what didn't. I find it strange and interesting that he is so adamant about not having the rasams when supposedly his own mother even wants to have them. I'm not making accusations but it's possible that maybe family is pressuring him about the rasams. And that is a MAJOR REASON why a face to face family discussion needs to take place to sort things out. Best wishes.