Stressed

[redvelvet]

i think she said in her first post 4...one khala daugher and 3 chacha daughter

Hmm, that's not so bad.

If the guy is okay with having the mehendi and even wants to pay for "professional dancers" on top of having his own friends dance at the wedding...........this tells me that he's not against the rasams for religious reasons.

So something is triggering his disapproval of the rasams..........either his family is placing pressure........or he's a shy private person.........or I dunno.......something is up.

I find his disrespectful attitude to be disturbing. That's a red flag. And I think that if his attitude continues to get worse....SSBaig may have other things to contemplate besides rasams.

[Aleeza24]

Re: Stressed

if he can pay for the dancers than why not pay at least 50 dollars each for your cousins....wedding happens just once....and thats too rude of him to say that he donesnt want to pay them because they are not their family...if he can pay for the dancers than why not your cousins...you should tell him that those dancers are also not your family....

you should talk to him and tell him that your cousins are like your sisters.....so he should at least dont be so rude....

[sadzzz]

Re: Stressed

hmm i dont see how its being rude... its being rude if he's saying it infront of everyone. If he blunty told his future-wife, its called venting.. letting out frustration. Which, suprise suprise, happens to guys too before a marriage.

I agree he may be being a bit stingy... but really, maybe he really cant afford it. 4 cousins, $50 each... $200 gone. Would you rather he not just give that to the wifey hahaha.. sorry. I was being selfish there. But seriously. $50 for some, may be a bit toooooo much. Everyone has different financial circumstances

[sadzzz]

Re: Stressed

another thing..... for some cousins are mere cousins. Does he have any of his own? Would he give them anything more than $20?

[Aleeza24]

Re: Stressed

well she said the dancers are too expensive so if he is willing to pay for them so much than why not the cousins ...i said he is being rude because he told his mom that what she is doing is chicora pan.....well he shouldnt have said that

[H09170]

Re: Stressed

well i think he's being very stingy abt the 20 $ . its a rasam that many people practice, and not something that the bride's family just came up with . even in pakistan people give abt 20000 average, sometimes more or less which is more than 50 $ for 4 people. Coming from someone who wanted professional dancers on his mehndi, its very strange.
as for not being financially well off , well its just an expense like so many other expenses . he doesnt have to love ur cousins to give them the amount but its just something thats practiced and u go through this expense like other expenses that u incur during the shadi. to say that u want to do away with it is rude in my opinion.

[monster]

shadi means "khushi" or happiness! And i think every1 should be considerate of others' feelings, its not about which rasam is good or which one is bad, rather it's about understanding one's feelings ( associated with the rasam)!
the groom and his family should understand that. i never like people who impose their views on others. i think it should be a little bit of give and take kinda thing, like the groom should do some things which makes the brides side happy and the bride should do the things which makes the groom and his family happy!
over all i think that a groom should be a likeable person, not some one who every1 is scared of.
it's ok not to like rasams but being totally rigid and not considering the feelings of others is not a good sign.
all i can say is that it's time to** "talk", **a good talk with parents, the finace' and his parents. coz all these little things show how a person can be in future.
i wish ssbaig all the best!

[diamond321]

Hey guys! I need some help on how to convince my fiance about what I am about to explain. My mehndi is in exactly 3 weeks. My cousins (I dont have sisters) are excited for the rasm. One of them is my khala's daughter and 3 others are my chachu's daughters. As for my khala's daughter, I will be the only one where she will be doing the rasm for as she has no other girls in her family so she is SUPER excited. In addition, I have been planning the decoration of his baree for months. I bought lots n lots of ribbons, bows, tulle, baskets, trays, saved pictures of other peoples for ideas, etc. My mom just came back from India Monday with tons of stuff for the rasm as well.

Well, last night my fiance calls me and tells me that he doesn't like these "paisey maagney ki rasme" and that he will not take part in the "Chichora pun". I told him there was no way he could break my cousins' hearts like that so he told me to go back and actually TELL them that he will give them each $20 & thats it. In addition, he said the displaying of the baree is also chichora pun and it is all "deekava" so he will not be doing that either. He said he will bring the baree in a suitcase for me to the hall. He also told my mom this and my mom told him that she will be displaying his stuff so she asked by his standards if she is chichori as well. His reply was what she is doing is chichora.

For me this is not deekava or chichora at all. The baree that we are giving to him is a gift and I wanted to present it properly. To me its part of the fun of getting married. His mom wants to do it but he won't allow her to.

My mom is very hurt because she sees the baree as a gift to me from his side nd she feels that he doesnt even care about me to do it properly. She is also upset that he neither wants to do the mehndi rasm (Or the jhoot chupai) or the baree display so what is the point of having a rasm-e-mehndi. Only so his friends can get up and dance and so everyone can eat? In addition, he told my mom that he doesnt want anyone present at the nikah (the day before the wedding) but my immediate fam and his immediate fam. I have a ton of family flying in earlier because they want to attend the nikkah. I can't tell them no nor do i want to. I want them there. My mom is also worried because she thinks that my family is going to criticize my mom saying why she's letting me marry my fiance because they're not thareeqe ke log - teekse baree be nahi la sakthe.

How do I get him to see my side? Has anyone else had similar issues? Am I just over reacting? With the wedding so close im already so stressed and SO SO emotional. Sorry for such a long post - i was venting too =(.

Wow ! I felt i was reading my story when i was reading yours. My fiance (now my husband) had exactly same issues. I won't say what is right and what is wrong I will just write what I did!

They have a rasam of gviing gold items to sisters when the groom is taking bride in his room. I told if u can give GOLD jewellery to ur sisters why can't u give some money to my cousins. He said then they are my sisters and I told him that my cousins are like my siblings. I told him if u r did not give money to mine u'll not give anything to ur sisters too.

On the other hand i told my cousins not to ask for any specific amount of money instead just ask for money just to avoid negotations and bad mouthing. My cousins did what I told them to do and all rasams took place with smiles on both sides.

Try to find out any rasam that they do which involves giving money or jewellery etc and abt displaying bari just tell okay we'll do it for our family your family can opt not to see it they shdn't be having any problem with it.

Dont get pressurised unecessarily if you give up it will have long lasting affects believe me .Shaadi shd bring happiness to both family and both have a RIGHT to decide and to do their rasams.