stingy in laws

Lifestyle Relationships
1

For my wedding, my family bought expensive suits for my husbands family. well my in laws insisted that they were going to buy their own suits from pakistan where they live, and we would only pay for them. so they chose suits worth 8000 ruppees each…and when it came to my giving suits to my family, they didnt even suggest us to choose them, but bought them themselves and they were the cheapest, my sisters were only 1000 each and were tacky looking, and my mums was probly the same…they gave 1000 each to my 2 brothers…altogether they have given 5 or 6000 to my entire family, and yet they chose their own suits for 7000 each…im very annoyed and angry…my husband has no idea, its to do with his sister and his mum. they are nice to me, but very stingy…mum keeps moaning about the costs of wedding, and how tired she and her daughter are now, im trying my best to like her, but im ending up hating her…i dont wish to tell my husband this, he obviously wouldnt understand. they are very stingy family, i married into my family, his dad is my mammu, mammu is also stingy, but they are well off. the clothes they bought for me are nice, however otherwise they are very kanjoos and its disgusting to see them buy expensive stuff for themselves and give cheap tack to others…im very p*ssed off right now.before i go and take it out on my husband please calm me down…my husband mashallah is not stingy, not with me anyway. but i cant stand his mum right now. help me guys.

on the wedding day, they didnt even give any money on the rasms that you do…they gave the smallesta mount and argued for agessss about it,.im trying to be happy but these kanjoosi issues and their behaviour with others is not making me as happy as i should be. they are ok with me, my stuff is nice, but she hasnt made a big effort to get to know me, or to make me comfy or to make me feel like a daughter, shes not rude to me, but shes jsut quiet and makes small talk. they are a quiet family by nature anyway, but im new so they should make more of an effort.

2

Well there's a big part of the answer right there. Your husband isn't like that. That's the most important bit. Focus on that.

I know it's hard to not be hurt when stuff like this happens, but try to remember that this rasm stuff is really not the point of the wedding...the point is that you marry someone you care about and are excited about the rest of your life. I'm going to assume that you care about your husband, he cares about you, and you are both excited about this wonderful new chapter in your lives. So concentrate on that. Forget the rest of it. Because it's not worth it dear. Rasms, gifts, who gave what to whom...all of it is unimportant when you weigh it against a lifetime with someone you care about. I realize it doesn't seem that way right now and it hurts, but everytime you have these thoughts - think about all the stuff that you DO have and try to put aside the stuff you don't. If you don't and confront your husband or his family about this, you risk a lot of arguments and bad feelings very early on in your married life...I'm not saying what they did is right. They're not at all right and this really isn't a nice thing to do to their son's wife. But you can't change them. All you can do is make sure YOU are behaving in a dignified manner.

Now, as for his mother and her not making an effort...again, I would advise you to forget about what other people are doing and concentrate on yourself. She's not talking to you? Fine. But YOU talk to her and try to draw her out in conversation. She's not spending time with you? Great. YOU take the initiative and spend time with her. Perhaps this will break her out of her shell and encourage her to spend more time with you. It may not. But at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing you tried and you can move on with your life with a clear conscience. Again, I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but you can only control your own actions. You have no control over what others do.

I hope that helped. Good luck!

vo ham se piyar sekhta raha kisi orr k liay
3

Re: stingy in laws

i know, but its gut wrenching, i dont wish to be depressed.

Hamare sanwle rung ka sabab bhi tum ho JanaN
4

Re: stingy in laws

Why every second post here is related to disliking the CLOTHES from inlaws? :smack:

Hamare sanwle rung ka sabab bhi tum ho JanaN
Hamare sanwle rung ka sabab bhi tum ho JanaN
5

[QUOTE]
Why every second post here is related to disliking the CLOTHES from inlaws?
[/QUOTE]
Because ultimately, it's not about the clothes. Ever heard the expression, it's not really the gift that matters, but the thought that counts. Well, when stuff like this happens, it makes you wonder what kind of thought went into it. It might seem materialistic, but really, it's not...it's deeper than that. It's getting hurt because your brand new family isn't showing as much consideration for you as they are for themselves. It would be different if Sara's susraal purchased the same things for her and her family as they purchased for themselves. Then, it would simply be a matter of grinning and bearing it because everybody's tastes are different. When someone gets you cheap, tacky stuff while getting the expensive, tasteful things for themselves...well, clearly the "thoughts" aren't that great and it hurts.

Anyway Sara...I understand why this is getting to you...and honestly, it would hurt me too. But try to put it aside m'dear. Be the better person. Allah will reward you for your sabr.

~Mention your Date of Birth~
6

I was in the same situation, actually worse. My husband's side didn't give anything to my family at all. No gifts no clothes nothing. My parents on the other hand gave very very expensive gifts to his side. A gold set to his mom, clothes everything you can imagine. We got nothing from his side. I hated it. I felt so little infront of my parents. His family is very very very kanjoos, they don't believe in giving gifts whatsoever. My husband however bought me nice clothes for my wedding. My barri was nice, I wouldn't say super expensive but good choice in clothes.
That all being said, my husband now is always telling me to make sure we give gifts to people. Its how you change your husband with time. I got married just few months ago. In the course for just few months I made him realize that what they did was wrong. They should've given gifts to my family too. And he does realizes that now. He admits now that his family is just bad with giving gifts and spending on other people.
Don't complain now. Be thankful to Allah of what you have. You can eventually change how they think. I didn't attack anyone. I showed him what they did wrong. It all takes time. DO NOT just start hating them. My in laws are extremely kanjoos but I love them a lot. Everyone is brought up in a different family, envoirnment and I know where they are coming from. My only concern was with my husband and I am glad I changed his way of thinking :)

7

You should just stop expecting.. as long as u're husband is nice to u, u shouldn't worry about such things. There's much more to life than clothes..

8

Re: stingy in laws

If your husband was a part of this kanjoosi, I would be really upset.

However, you just need to make sure you try to be patient with them and let it go.

You make sure your clothes look good and thats it.

One thing you can do is get your husband involved. Tell him something like this:

"Your family is spending so much money on clothes and jewelry Mashallah and I dont want any of it go to waste. Can you ask your mom if I can pick the rest of the things? This way, everything they buy will come to use and wont just sit there because someone's taste is different and thats what is happening. I really want to make sure their money is put to good use."

9

Re: stingy in laws

i dont believe this "if your husband is not showing signs of stinginess then its ok" why? because after all she is marrying into HIS family, and if his family treats her and her family like second class citizens, they cant expect her and her family to treat them with pomp and glory either.

10

^No one said it was ok. Getting nice stuff for yourself and getting not so nice stuff for your son's wife...that's pretty unwelcoming and selfish. But the thing is, Sara can't change other people. She can only control her behavior and maybe, in the future, when they see Sara's good example, they may change on their own.

11

Re: stingy in laws

although being a good example is wonderful....
but...the examples of good bahus ultimately becoming doormats and forgotten are far too many. I wouldn't ever recommend being mean or anything, but please, voice your selves! otherwise it will become the "to kya hua" scenario where you will find accepting it a norm along with the never-ending list of other injustices.

12

You’re right. But being a “good example” doesn’t mean that you have to allow others to walk all over you. You can behave with dignity while still maintaining self respect. You can be nice and try to engage someone in conversation…but you don’t have to go out of your way if the other person isn’t even attempting to give you more than a “yes” or “no” answer. A “Salaam” here, a “so what’s new there,” and if after that, you’re still being met with a conversational brick wall, why waste your time?

If someone says something or does something rude to you, you can calmly call them out on it and make it clear that you deserve to be treated with respect.

There’s a way to stand up for your self in a way that ensures you’re a class act. Good behavior doesn’t necessarily mean you have “please kick me” printed on your forehead.

:slight_smile:

There are far too many examples of bahus being mistreated by their inlaws…of inlaws being mistreated by their bahus or damaads…people do need to speak up. I agree with you. But it’s a tricky thing, because in our culture, speaking up or pointing out rude behavior (even if you do it politely) is oftentimes perceived as even more rude than the behavior of the rude person who actually started the whole drama. It’s a mess isn’t it? You really have to choose your battles wisely in the land mine of desi relations. :bummer:

13

It’s pretty unbelievable when u think about it logically, isn’t it

Time Pass ... Jan 2@14
14

Re: stingy in laws

Unfortunately mistral :) while that is all true.....all i know is that if you let people see from the very beginning that you are not the shy, timid, doormat, you will face less hurdles..as opposed to the girls your become someone else so people would accept them as potential doormats.. sorry girls but that is true..be who truly are, so you dont have subject to someone's lowly expectations and perceptions. I think desi women have serious personality disorders due to expectations from all relationships they come in contact with. The more molds they are expected to fit in, the harder it gets to keep up with each one of them.

15

^I don't disagree. I really think we're kinda saying the same thing. Be polite, be good natured, but don't lose yourself or your self respect in the process because once that goes, then it's doormat city.

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Re: stingy in laws

i wasnt disagreeing :)
and yes self respect and a positive "true" image is very important.

17

His family was "being pakistani" - taking as much as they can when someone else is payin and giving as little as they can when they r paying.

Well, what's done is done, u can't change it, and u can't force the woman to shell out and get u all some better clothes. If u dwell on it, it will just wind u up no end.

Clothes don't make a marriage, a good relationship with your husband does, looks like u already got that so don't ruin it.

By Seeing Lahore Weather
18

Re: stingy in laws

ditto Rupay!

What's done is done. You cant change the past but if yoru MIL's small talk makes you mad, why dont you try to get to know her yourself? People have different personalities and maybe they are shy with you too, in their own way? Take a step forward and if someone doesnt meet you atleast halfway, then you have something to complain about.

19

Re: stingy in laws

i understand, thanks guys but i still feel like its because she doesnt like me as much. my husband tellsme she does, sometimes i get the feeling she does, sometimes i dont. she was nice enough until the day before i was leaving to come back to london, she was very quiet, but befre you guys assume its because she was feeling sad that i was leaving, well she couldve told me that, or she couldve made an effort to talk to me. instead she was quiet, seemed abit off and didnt speak much at all t me.she didnt even ask if my suitcases packed or any random conversation. i felt her silence. before that she was ok enough with me. they are very quiet people anyway, but she seemed more quiet than usual. and then when my mum came in the morning to say bye to her, (my mum and sis and me were flying back together, my husbands coming next week) his mum was quiet with her too, my mum aske d me whys shes so quiet she didnt even speak to my mum properly....

all the while my hubby insists she likes me, and im just being paranoid and negative about small things.....i wonder if hes just syaing that, although he insists its true. now who do i believe, him, or my feelings?

Happy Birthday Ethan Hunt
20

Re: stingy in laws

does it matter if she likes you or not?

in an ideal world it would be great if everyone got on. unless it's gonna be an imminent problem (like you have to live with them), just don't worry about it too much.

you and your husband get on fine and that's all that matters at the end of the day.