As mentioned in an earlier thread I have a rishta leading towards baat pakki. My family has said yes, he has said yes, his family has said yes and its basically all on me.
We have emailed a little and have just exchanged numbers (with parents permission) to talk/text.
I dont feel anything towards him yet- im still feeling negative towards him :S
Anyway the reason for my uncertainty is that in my Khandan there was recently a very bitter divorce- the guy was from Pakistan and the girl bought up in the uk. They talked for a year during engagement but after marriage it all went downhill because they just didn’t match and the divorce was a long upsetting process.
My guy has been in the UK for 6 years and I was bought up in the UK and im just really scarred from the divorce of my cousin. The guy is really nice and kind in a stable job and has a permanent residency, his english is good and im working hard on improving my urdu. The family is also very nice and i dont have any issues there.
I guess i just need some reassurance there these kind of marriages can work out.
Ive already hassled stoppit about it and she has been very nice and helpful. But i guess because im feeling so scared and this is a big decision I need more reassurance.
Im just traumatized by my cousins divorce and everyone in my khandan went on about there not being a match as he was from pak and this girl from the uk.
I have done istikhara but have not got any clear sign yet. Still feeling bipolar!
Thank You everyone.
P.s. Im not saying that because he is from pakistan he is bad and i am good please dont misunderstand me and attack me because im really not saying that.
Your PS shows that you look for approval to others. You need to do your research , make a decision and stick to it. Compared to one divorce between a UK brought up girl and Pakistan raised boy there are thousands and thousands of successful marriages between these kind of boys and girls.
You should ask him questions around what you like and dislike and what he likes and dislikes to gauge how much compatible or incompatible you two are and go from there.
Heck to be practical you can make a list of questions and ask him straight and ask him if he has any questions.
From what I know of Istikhara, its not necessarily a sign you get. Its a feeling and/or things will start to move in a direction that makes you feel good. Something like that.
Anyway, about this guy. Your cousin's marriage has nothing to do with you. You cannot look at someone else's marriage and be scared because with that reasoning you will never be able to move forward.
Is he happy with who you are? Your goals? Are you happy with who he is? His life, goals, etc?
Talk to himmmmm :( I no likey when potentials don't talk to each other openly and assume a million things on the basis of... nothing!
Just tell him how you feel and may be he'll try to make you feel better and answer your questions. Tell him you don't mean to be rude, you're asking him all these questions because this is a pretty major decision, tell him you would like to talk to him like a friend, not like a stranger. Communicate asap, ask him all that you want to!!
Talk to himmmmm :( I no likey when potentials don't talk to each other openly and assume a million things on the basis of... nothing!
Just tell him how you feel and may be he'll try to make you feel better and answer your questions. Tell him you don't mean to be rude, you're asking him all these questions because this is a pretty major decision, tell him you would like to talk to him like a friend, not like a stranger. Communicate asap, ask him all that you want to!!
BBQ we will talk for sure, just exchanged numbers today and he is pretty busy with work and i am busy with wedding season.
I think i might just take the direct approach that u and reha have mentioned, i cant be bothered with walking on eggshells anymore and creeping around important topics.
Thank you SK for your wishes.
With regards to istikhara- i know u dont get a dream necessarily but i dont have a particular feeling and nothing particularly has happened so just waiting
i'm sorry i can't really remember everything from your last thread but does he live close to you ? i think the best reassurance you could get is from him, i mean, not necessarily telling him about how you feel but meeting him in person a few times. you're right it's a huge decision so it's normal to be unsure, so i think you should get to know him more in person and take your decision when you're sure.
reassurance that you are looking for can only be given by your inner self and to some extent from the guy. I can only teach and make you urdu better if you want
Inspiron, Are you sure its only the brought up difference that is worrying you? If so is the case, why did you even consider a rishta from any place else than uk? If you reject this one, are you not going to consider any rishtas from places other than uk?
1) I can understand your reservation as after all its an important decision of one's life and there should be no hurry in it. However, i feel by talking to the guy/his family you can get a good idea of what they are about and if they are going to be adjustment issues which you rightly should be concerned about. Ofcourse nobody can be sure about these things but by talking to him and exchanging emails with him you should be able to figure it out.
2) Have you discussed this issue with your parents? What do they have to say about this?
3) Your main issue is that there might be difference in thinking and living due to being brought up in different places. However, that can happen even if you marry within UK because alot of people even within same country have diff living styles and even norms varying according to their beliefs.
I dont feel anything towards him yet- im still feeling negative towards him :S
The guy is really nice **and kind in a **stable job and has a permanent residency, his english is good and im working hard on improving my urdu. The family is also very nice and** i dont have any issues there**.
I guess i just need some **reassurance **there these kind of marriages can work out.
But i guess because** im feeling so scared and this is a big decision I need more reassurance. **
P.s. Im not saying that because he is from pakistan he is bad and i am good please dont misunderstand me and attack me because im really not saying that.
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I dont see any issue in your post except reassurance of assurance.
You already know my feelings and the only way you can get rid of this insecurity and make a decision either way is to talk to him. You already indicated that your parents are happy for you to get to know each other before you make a decision so don't feel that by talking you are giving the impression to everyone that it's a yes from your side. Try to meet him in person too. As soon as you feel comfortable, do ask the important things. From the things I know, it sounds promising and the issues that usually exist to cause conflict in a abroad/pak marriage don't exist here.
You've talked about 'what if there's better out there?' but if all that 'better' is, is the same thing but born and bought up in the UK, then I think you're focussing on the wrong things. You need to look at him as an individual and his family on their own merits. If the family seem to have a similar outlook to yours, it's a good sign.
Istikhara doesn't mean you will get a dream. If after the istikhara, things are still progressing well, this means Allah wants this rishta to happen. If you are still unsure, you can ask for more time and talk to the guy as many times as you like until you start feeling better and are inclined to say yes. If the guy really likes you, he won't force you to jump into the relationship and will support you if you want to take some time. But if all the major things are ok, he doesn't seem to be marrying you for any greed and you both don't have very different lifestyles (which might be the reasons for failed marriages between UK bred and Pak bred people), I don't think there is a reason to be apprehensive about this guy.
Have your parents done all the investigation? Are they satsfied with the character and past of the guy and the family? If all these things are clear, then you should be satisfied. Don't think too much about him being Pak born and bred. You are a desi person yourself, you love desi food, you love wearing shalwar kameez, you are going for an arranged marriage... all these things show how much similar you might be to him which means you both will have good compatibility although you are UK bred. In order to have reassurances, you need to talk to him and meet him as many times as you like and then say yes when you feel like saying yes. But if after istikhara, this rishta is progressing, Allah is with you in this proposal.
You don't need to make a decision right away, take your time in getting to know this guy. Talk to him about things that are important to you and see what his take is on them.
No one gets married with a 100% guarantee that the marriage will turn out perfectly peachy. Glitches happen in marriages, it happened to your cousin but don't let that deter you from giving someone a chance.
Dive into it with the mentality that you're not saying 'yes' or 'no'. You are just getting to know him and see if he's the right person or not. It'll ease up the pressure a bit.
Keep doing istikhara meanwhile.
