Inspiron.. i can't give you good advice as i can understand they are complicated matter and only you can take a right decision because you know yourself very well and you know what you are looking for in your partner actually. If he is fulfilling your criteria then just take some time and talk to him and try to understand him. If you can't talk to him directly about certain issues then try indirect approach. Discuss your fears with the guy and even with your parents. Communication can solve every problem.
I ask the important questions upfront. Why? Because I dont have time to waste on anyone whose basics dont match mine. :(
I totally agree with this.
OP:
I understand your fear due to your cousin's divorce. However, think about this....IF your cousin had bothered to ask the "hard" questions before marriage...perhaps she could've avoided her fate..? In my experience, arranged marriage go bad when the two people getting married don't bother to find out how the other person feels about VERY important future life decisions....and when it comes as a negative surprise after marriage, that's when problems start.
You're blessed to have parents who are allowing you the opportunity to get to know this a guy before making a decision. Take full advantage of this opportunity!
Just be honest with the guy and tell him that you want to know his views on married life b/c you want to find out asap if you two will be compatible. Something things to ask:
1) Does he plan on living in the UK permanently? Or will he ever consider moving back to PK?
2) Is he ok with you working after marriage? What about you working after kids?
3) How many kids does he want and how soon?
4) What are his thoughts on parents (whether its yours or his) living with you two after marriage?
5) What are his thoughts on the husband helping wife with household chores? Does he know how to cook anything? Had he ever done laundry or helped his mom out with anything in the kitchen?
6) Ask him his views/thoughts on finances....saving for kids college, retirement etc. What percentage of his current income does he put away as a emergency saving? What percentage does he put away in a retirement account? How does he see that percentage change after marriage?
These are just SOME of the VERY important thigns you NEED to find out before saying yes or no to any rishta! Its things like these that has the potential to turn a marriage into a nightmare. This is your LIFE....whatever hesitation, embarrassment you might feel about discussing certain topics...GET OVER IT! I assume that you feel that you're ready to become a wife since you're considering rishtas....part of being an adult/wife is to be able to discuss thigns which are not always pleasant. Don't make the mistake of not bringing up something that's important to you b/c it wasn't "proper"! If your marriage falls apart....no one will suffer more than you.
As others mentioned, since we don't know you in real life, it would be impossible to us to tell you what to do. In my humble opinion, its best to make sure that BOTH you and him know each others expectations of marriage BEFORE making a decision.
I guess the key is here asking him important questions before saying yes the list paheli gave is very good. I guess i need to make a comprehensive list and ask him.
yaar, tumhara masla kia hai?
shadi hoe nahi, divorce ki phele he perh gayee.
if you BELIEVE your khandan wali is your mirror image, then compare yourself with her and her past, otherwise, mitti dallo us khandan wali per. but in any case dont lose your sanity and maturity and work towards developing positive self-character.
yaar, tumhara masla kia hai?
shadi hoe nahi, divorce ki phele he perh gayee.
if you BELIEVE your khandan wali is your mirror image, then compare yourself with her and her past, otherwise, mitti dallo us khandan wali per. but in any case dont lose your sanity and maturity and work towards developing positive self-character.
Uhm wtf? She’s talking about forced marriages and arranged marriages where the people involved don’t actually use their brains. I agree in many cases there are like this but the people involved would be fools not to see it before or they ignore the obvious. It’s happened with one of my cousins and I told her straight away that she was going to regret it but she didn’t listen.
The thing that everyone, including inspiron, seem to be overlooking is that he doesn’t seem to have a strong affinity for Pakistan. Aside from being in the UK for the last six years and in a successful professional job, he spent some of his upbringing in the middle east. And if he would move out of the UK, that’s where he would consider going back.
You can get men who are like that (as described on that web page) even if they have been born and bought up in the UK.
And what is she talking about a russian person wouldn’t marry a chinese person? Virtually all the marriages in my wider friend’s circle are between completely different cultures and there’s no reason for them not to be successful.
Uhm wtf? She's talking about forced marriages and arranged marriages where the people involved don't actually use their brains. I agree in many cases there are like this but the people involved would be fools not to see it before or they ignore the obvious. It's happened with one of my cousins and I told her straight away that she was going to regret it but she didn't listen.
The thing that everyone, including inspiron, seem to be overlooking is that he doesn't seem to have a strong affinity for Pakistan. Aside from being in the UK for the last six years and in a successful professional job, he spent some of his upbringing in the middle east. And if he would move out of the UK, that's where he would consider going back.
You can get men who are like that (as described on that web page) even if they have been born and bought up in the UK.
And what is she talking about a russian person wouldn't marry a chinese person? Virtually all the marriages in my wider friend's circle are between completely different cultures and there's no reason for them not to be successful.
That site is extremely biased towards men and women living in Pakistan. It's full of ridiculous generalisations and it seems to be insisting that all Pakistanis in Pakistan are jahil and backwards. :/
i know how exactly you feel..since I have been in a similar situation as you. I felt very insecure at the time when my hubby's family sent the rishta since I practically knew nothing about him. We exchanged email addresses and talked to each other. Also texted and called after permission from our families.
Doing istekhara doesnt necessarily gets you a decisive dream but rather helps your thoughts orient in the right direction. You can do it for 7 days straight and then things would IA point themselves out in the right direction.
Follow your instinct and your heart here after the dua. You would be right InshAllah :)
As for talking to each other....just be a little careful. Don't get too hasty in trying to know him too well ... people tend to be very judgemental during this phase and misinterpret each other's intentions behind what they said.
And about your cousins' divorce - don't just weigh the decision based on that ...there must be loads of marriages which do work out great bw someone raised in a different country or so. Family and the person himself matters !
Best of luck hun.. just follow your heart and keep praying to Allah for the right decision...and once you decide stick to that and have faith that Allah has decided the best for you ! :)
I would completely ignore this website. It is human nature to talk about life's bad experiences, you would not hear people talking much when they are happy.
Are you feeling any connection with the guy yet? My husband was from pakistan and i was raised in U.S. Alhumdulliah my marriage is working fine. I am not saying it was perfect but I hate when people put bias in relationships and don't give couples a chance to start their life together happily. In your case you have got this divorce of your cousin stuck in your mind hence you are going the negative direction. It's important for you to be smart about the situation get to know the person before you make any decesion.
Any marriage requires you to give and take and if you and your spouse are willing to do that then Insallah most marriages work.
Like others said our reassurance will not play a significant role in your marriage rather what you both bring to your relationship counts.
fiteh munh ki kara es munde da