Staying together *just* for the sake of the kids..

Lifestyle Relationships
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Good or bad?

And in which situations do you think it’s ok or not ok to do it..

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

Especially not okay when the two "partners" make SUCH a dysfunctional team (physcial/emotional abuse, substance abuse that just doesn't improve, etc) that it jeopardizes the well-being of the kids.

What I wonder about parents (who decide to stay together)......is do they not understand that kids aren't stupid and can pick up on the strained (and even fake) interactions between their parents? I've said it before so many times...they're more perceptive than adults give them credit for. And the parents ALSO need to think about whether sticking it out in a less than happy marriage...will also impact their children's self-esteem and and develop trust issues toward the opposite gender later down the road.

Your kids live in the real world....and as they grow older they WILL realize that marriages don't come with a guarantee, the not every family has a mom and dad, that sometimes being raised by just ONE sound-minded parents gives you a better chance of having a more nurturting and healthy "family-like" atmosphere.....as opposed to being raised by TWO parents that make a messed up combo, that sometimes incomplete turns out to be more "complete", that there are certain things (such as safety, izzat, etc) that can't be compromised upon. The actions that you take...and even those that you FAIL to take....even your passivity.....will have its consequences and impact on the kids.

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

There is no right answer to this question.
It pretty much boils down to how much can you stand the other person and how willing are you to sacrifice your happiness.
For some, the troublesome relationship does not matter as long as their kids get grow up in a family, however fake that family might be.
For others, nothing in the world is worth the unhappiness of being in a relationship which is purely a sham.

Of course exclusions to this rule should be abusive relationships which are harmful for the person in question and the kids psychologically.
Sadly though, a lot of people still carry on in such harmful unions.
Either way, there are no guarantees that one will end up happy or the kids will have a better upbringing.

It is what it is.

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

**kids must always come first. you have brought them into this world so you are responsible for their physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. you must do everything in your power and do the needful to give them what they deserve!

divorce is being coward. Halaal cheezoN meN Allah ne 'talaaq' ko sab se ziyaada naa-pasand farmaayaa hai...Allah kii KHushnoodii ke liye hii aisii Harakaat se baaz raheN...isii meN dunyaa o aaKhirat kaa bahbood hai. so, help us Allah! aameen**

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

So true..

I'm wondering a lot about the 'grey areas' eg. when there's no violence involved but the two partners just don't feel anything for each other or there's no longer any intimacy.. I know some ppl think the guy cheating 'just' once or twice shouldn't be reason to divorce if there are kids in the picture and also if there's no physical violence.. Just wondering where ppl draw the line..

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

You say that as if it were an absolute. Yes, in some situations...divorce can be seen as cowardice. But in other situations....divorce can be see as having courage. It's not so black and white, KKF.........and I believe that ALLAH also knows/understands that things are not so black and white......and that's why HE allowed divorce (though it's disliked).

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

I dont think there is a standard line, Deebs. It'll vary for each individual. Although I think that as time goes on..the relationshp evolves, no? The marriage may not have that heady passion that was there in its infancy....(example: elderly couples)...but there are other aspects of their relationship that may not have been as strong in the beginning...(such as understanding, patience, loyalty, emotional support) that hopefully deepen throughout the years...and is what holds them together. Individuals and their needs change...so relatioships evolve as well.

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..


in most cases divorce these days is an easy way out...u need courage to see black N white!!!...this is what you need to do...Allah has given us choice but also encouraged us to stay together as far as humanly possible...you do your BEST to keep the marriage intact but if all else fail, divorce with "Husn-e-sulook" ... be nice to the lady in every possible way!!!

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

I find it funny how people choose to talk in absolute in some cases......and then relative in others....

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

KKF, black and white exists more when something has been clearly identified as haram and halal. In the case of divorce...it's not haram...it's disliked, yes....but because there's flexibility in there....(imo) it indicates that Allah understands that not all situations in life are black and white and so He has also created exceptions.

In no way...am I saying that a person should be careless about their marriage and not give it their best shot. I'm not going to say so confidently that most divorces are an easy way out....as I'm not in the shoes of the person dealing with the marriage.

I wasn't even talking about "husn-e-sulook"....yes, it should be conducted in a civil manner.....but in some cases divorce (especially in our culture and in the case of women) requires courage.

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

Right on!!

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..


**i think we are saying the same thing in different words...yes, it is allowed and yes sometimes you have no other alternative...what i said is that you have to is NOT to be coward and do ALL that is humanly possible to avoid divorce...[YES, that includes living together as strangers for the sake of children]...i think divorce can be had in ONLY extreme situations and that too after trying it hard to stay together.

if you have to divorce, you have to do it amicably...be generous and take care of her if she needs help. kids N ex wife is your responsibility. we must resist cultural pressures that are put on us if it's against Islamic teachings.

let's pray that ALL the couples, who may be contemplating divorce, may receive guidance and may Allah ease their situation and make them 'jaama for each other'...aameen**

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

But isn't there a hadith about a woman who says she no longer loves her husband at all but he doesn't mistreat her in any way and she's told she can separate.. (am not saying ppl should do this before anyone jumps down my throat, just it seems our interpretation of when divorce is ok seems to be stricter than the actual religious ruling.. the reasoning behind the Islamic ruling is that she should be fulfiling her husband's rights inc a sexual relationship and that would be too difficult if there were no feelings there at all)..

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

does the word "separate" here refer to divorce...or just not living under the same roof with him? Not the same thing.

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

if one is looking forward to be totally selfish.....and not wish to sacrifice for others sake AT ALL.......there is nothing to stop them... religious, social,economic excuses are plenty....

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..


**Hadees are in a particular situation and for a particular person according to the person's ability. i'll give you another Hadees:

a baddu [native saudi] came to the Prophet [saws] and asked what Islam is all about...He told him about the 5 pillars of Islam and he said he will do it but no less or no more than what he has been told...

...when he left, Prophet [saws] asked the sahaabas [razi Allaho Ta'alaa ajmain] if they saw a 'jannati'? ... They all said NO...then Prophet [saws] said...If this man does what he promised to do...he'll go to jannat"...subHaan Allah!

does this mean that it's the end of Islam? Islam also requires you to propagate deen, to establish shari'a...to enforce Islamic Laws...this is the bare 'MINIMUM'!

it's a matter of taqwa which requires you to rise to the occasion and accept challenges and then do something about it to achieve it.

i never said that divorce is NOT allowed in Islam...what i said was that one must do everything in his power to avoid it for the sake of Allah, your wife and your innocent kids.

May Allah guide us to the right path and introduce us all to the 'spirit of Islam,"...aameen**

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..


In Islam there is NO such thing as** 'SEPARATION'**** as we know it in the western world. it means divorce indeed!**

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

I have a feeling it's actual divorce but I need to find the hadith with its exact wording to be sure.. I don't think staying married in a religious sense but not being 'together' would be advised for practical reasons.. I don't think that hadith mentions she has kids tho..

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..

Anyway leaving religion aside in which of these situations do you think a woman with kids should stay with her husband:

  1. He treats her well in every other way but has a one-night stand..

  2. He treats her well in every other way but has cheated long-term..

  3. He's never violent but is verbally/emotionally abusive

  4. He has hit her once or twice but says it'll never happen again..

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Re: Staying together just for the sake of the kids..


there is a strong view that leaving a woman mo'alliqah [hanging] is NOT acceptable and deny her 'rights' which can be a ground for a wife to ask for Khula.