So ladies, how does it work with you? Is it only the wife who’s supposed to meet, contact and stay in touch with her MIL,SIL etc often or is it equally required from the husband too? Or do your husbands expect your parents to stay in touch with them while you should be the one who has to maintain good relation with his family no matter how they treat you?
I am often asked “ammi se baat hui?”, “X(sil) ko last kub phone kiya tha?” type questions and for the sake of answering and avoiding rifts, I used to call them regularly initially, then lied at times and now I ask the same question back ! I mean if I am supposed to show respect to my spouse’s family by being the first one to call or plan visits, then this should be applicable to both of us OR you can take care of yours and I can take care of mine.It’s not that my relation with IL’s is not smooth. they’re all busy and we do talk and stay updated but I get irritated when I am ASKED about it. I am not the kind who SHOW husbands that we care about your family by specially reporting whatever you did for them. I meet,call in good intention whenever I do !
You should never care to ask if husband has spoken to your family. I think familiarity breeds contempt. He should be particular about calling them when it is important to do so ie bdays, anniversaries, if someone is ill or you generally ask him to talk. I don't think that too much frankness needs to be encouraged.
^ As fair as that sounds, that doesn't pan out perfectly for realistic situations. One can dream of such a situation, can apply it, but such advice will just mess things up and fast.
Reciprocation is not a good idea here. Generally, its wiser to keep a safe distance between husband and ur family, rather than listening to taana and taunts later about "ur falan said this" , ur falan's tone was not right"etc.
I talk to my in laws more then my husband talks to my family. And that's perfectly fine. I don't talk to my in laws on daily basis, probably once a week when husband is on Skype with them. He rarely talks to my family. Only when it's important. My husband has really showed his respect towards my family, to a point where I don't need to complain about this issue. I married into his family and to be in touch with his family is important in order for me to have good relationship with them.
it's not about encouraging frankness. it's about one rule applying to different people differently, no?
no i don't agree sweetheart. shopping fan put it brilliantly. the more they talk and meet, the more the chances of them saying "ur brother said this and that", "your mother did this and that"...etc and these things hurt. best to keep them at arm's length.
Every family and situation is different. There is no right or wrong tareeqa. My husband was extremely close to my parents and called them on his own several times a week. It's not something I pushed him into, it's a relationship he forged himself with them. He was like the son they never had. In fact, when my Ammi passed away, she had named him executor of her Estate.
On the flip side, I don't call my inlaws at all. Nor do they call me. Or expect me to. They set a very formal and distant relationship with me from the beginning. Initially, I tried to break through that barrier, and my husband knows that they didn't respond well, so he doesn't have any qualms with it. But...I do help him with his family anytime he asks me to. I sat with my MIL in the hospital every time she's been ill..this past week I took her to her citizenship oath ceremony because my husband and bil both could not leave work...
I agree...each family/situation is different. It's rather lame though, how these differences in in-law treatment only persist in South Asian society. Sometimes i feel women perpetuate it themselves...meh.
Yes, everyone is different and so are situations.but is it wise to add up to ur problems?
nothing good will come out of it,even if ur spouse does keep in contact with ur family.because its all upto one's personality.if one is courteous and kind by nature , he would be doing it without being asked.
World is not fair and just, nor are humans.
So, dear proto, bhiron Kay chaatay ko chairnay ka koi faida nahi.
My husband and I both talk to my inlaws once a week.
I talk to my dad several times a week ... my husband probably talks to him once every 2 months. :/
I agree...each family/situation is different. It's rather lame though, how these differences in in-law treatment only persist in South Asian society. Sometimes i feel women perpetuate it themselves...meh.
Neither my huby asks me nor I do ask him, we never pressurize each other to call or talk or never asked each other Han g baat hui, sometimes my mum tells me Han meri Uss din baat hui thi :p.
I don’t like to get pressurized for talkin with Inlaws…I hate fone talks with my MIL… i just don’t know what to say to her exept the normal salaam dua etc so we visit my inlaws once a week.. (for me face to face communication with my inlaws is better that fone etc)
My hubby often visits my parents…mostly once a week or once in 2 weeks… and sometimes its the same like Devilish Angel said… mum tells me that she has spoken with hubby
In Western societies, in-laws are treated horribly/greatly/mediocre on both sides. eg) woman hates MIL, husband might love his MIL etc etc. There's no 'set' in-law etiquette for the man or woman. Both males and females can be whichever way they choose towards their in-laws, depending on their feelings and the way they are treated and all that.
In South Asia, a woman has to be the one who does all the hoo-haa for her in-laws no matter what her treatment...however, the guy can really adopt any which way he wants (hate em love em, NBD)... and he's usually the one who's given loads of respect/gifts/treated like a prince by the girls family. Point is, girls family are usually treated... erm, with less love, let's say. This is mostly cos of the fact that in our culture the woman moves into her in-laws home, integrates herself into their family etc...however, I still feel it's wrong.
And no, this isn't a Pakistan/Pakistani culture-bashing comment.
My husband talks very rarely to my dad. However, I speak to the in laws once a week. My husband does not tell me to do this. However, the in laws esp my FIL gets mad that I speak to them (along with my husband ) only once a week, and he thinks I should talk more often. Also, he wants me to talk with him more while I talk more with MIL.
I except my husband to treat my parents with the same respect I treat his. We don't discuss frequency's of calls but we have already discussed that both of us should be calling each of our parents on a regular basis and both be working on building those relationships. So if I found out that I was calling his family every week and he hadn't spoken to mine in months I would ask him to call them and find out how they are. I don't think he would mind me reminding him nor would i mind if he reminded me that I had neglected to call his family for a while. Along with my husband my family are the most important thing in the world to me and I think its important for BOTH of us to build relationships with each others families.
yes its different for every family........i talk to my inlaws every weekend on skype, just salaam and tabiyat n weather thats it....n with my parents,just twice or once a month on fone.....hubby also talk with my parents whenever i talk...he's more friendly with my parents than me...he would talk for hours n hours with them....and i like it that he takes so much care of my parents and siblings......
BUT we never share our problems or 'fights' with our parents or other family members....we both want to keep them in peace....we sort out our problems by ourselves or everything gets better with time....
so we visit my inlaws once a week.. (for me face to face communication with my inlaws is better that fone etc)