Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
A lot of the women in my family are in bad marriages (all due to elders marrying everyone to the wrong cousins/matchs) and all stayed because that’s what desi women do, right? I understand from the position how impossible it is for them to leave, especially in Pakistan since they have no way of financially supporting themselves and cannot go back to brothers /fathers who have their own families and struggles. But from my own personal experience and observation, it’s best to leave an abusive marriage, even with kids, because a man who is abusive to you will be to your kids as well. I know the desi mentality is stay for the kids, but it’s actually to give the kids a chance that one should try finding a way out. Being raised by miserable parents will take a toll on them as well, and then people wonder where their parenting went wrong.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
I believe in most of the cases it’s never known and the guy has an affair. Guys are good at that so what do you’ve to say in that regard?
As far as men in general are concerned there are many different types of men out there.
1- Who are satisfied with one woman/wife and sustain and carry on the relationship/marriage.
2- Who don’t feel satisfied with one woman/wife but still sustain and carry on the relationship/marriage.
3- Who are satisfied initially with a woman/wife but later on feel the urge to have more but still sustain and carry on the relationship/marriage.
4- Who are not satisfied with one woman/wife even on the initial stage and seek for more and usually don’t carry on the relationship/marriage.
5- Who are partially satisfied but seek more but still sustain and carry on the relationship/marriage.
6- Who are partially satisfied but don’t carry on the relationship/marriage.
There can be more of such kind.
Men are volatile and that’s a bitter truth. On the other hand women are more emotionally stable and loyal.
As far as making relationship work is concerned it depends on what is the stage of your relationship/marriage at that given time. If you’re a mother of kids and your husband cheats on you then your options are different than of a woman who doesn’t have kids.
Same applies to the men.
Next thing is what matters to you and what not. There are women who don’t even like their husbands having a simple conversation with another woman and there are women who don’t mind their husbands going out with their female colleagues.
Same applies to men.
When someone cheats it’s his/her matter with Allah. As far as your relationship with that person is concerned you need to see what happened in details in order to take the final decision. As I said men are volatile and in some cases men are seduced and led to stuff like that by other women in their social circles but sometimes men go for it by themselves.
The core of cheating is always dissatisfaction. And more than sometimes the responsibility goes to the woman/wife.
The example you gave of the woman who’s still married to her cheating husband is her personal choice or her circumstances didn’t helped/allowed her to take any extreme measures. The reasons could be many but in our desi societies once a woman is married and have kids her options of going back to being single again and then having a new marriage are really difficult practically speaking. Many women in such cases chose to be silent and die with in themselves which is really sad.
The reason of such problems is men’s exposure but most of all the way they were created. Men were created to have more than one women naturally speaking. And the modern world’s idea of giving men only one woman is the biggest cause of this problem.
I know how I might be sounding to a lot of people right now but that’s a fundamental reality either digest it or puke it choice is yours. Men who stay loyal to a single woman they really deserve an award but men who don’t they’re basically following their natural instincts and it also depends upon how much sexual a man is.
There have been many cases where women themselves admit that they can’t satisfy their men/husbands. In addition to that women now a days try to control the relationship and specially the intimate part of the relationship which is also a big reason of men cheating.
And please don’t call anyone stupid if they’re doing something because that’s their choice if you’d want to get divorce in that scenario nobody would stop you and you can totally do that. But you need to understand the fact that situations/circumstances change/affect your decisions.
And the last part which is the abusive part of a relationship again you need to see what’s the cause. If a person is abusive from the very first day then it’s a deal breaker. But if that person later on the relationship/marriage became abusive then both of the parties need to be interrogated thoroughly.
I have seen men who cheated but felt sorry and meant it and they never did that again. You need to know what is your flexibility and how much you value your relationship knowing the fact that you’re married to a creature which were created to seed and are extremely volatile and unstable.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
Woah strangeworld, I was not the one who said stupid but it was a guy that’s never been married that I was talking to. These are different real situations i’m around. I agree with winterfireflies in that most of the women I know in such situations have stayed acting oblivious.
Anyways, what are the chances of a desi woman who already might have had trouble finding a good desi match when she was single, to get a divorce from a bad marriage and get married again though. To recommend it to any woman would not be right for me. And yes, of course in that particular situation, it was volatile from the beginning. I can’t imagine someone getting all of a sudden violent and strangling their wife or pushing her much later in marriage. Controlling, abusive personalities are usually that way right from the beginning of the marriage.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
I think women are the most beautiful thing in the world and I find them not less attractive than a flower but the sad truth is women don’t act like a flower. You see in modern world women have absorbed too much men psyche, lifestyle, communications and freedom which at the end of the day causes troubles for who? For women obviously.
A thing which I call a pure woman trust me no man would ever hurt her in anyway. But what a man is supposed to do when she’s not acting like a woman?
The main cause of any sort of marriage related problems I believe is less woman-ism in a woman. It’s a very big concept and I hope I’d be able to elaborate that sometime in future but not right now.
Plus I think chances depend on your past, your mentality and eventually your faith as a Muslim. Your past generates your future.
If a girl is cocky, confident, sharp, resilient, argumentative, demanding, smart, or in simple words someone nobody can catch. Do you really think a man would be able to adjust with her?
That’s never going to happen because men are all that already and they don’t want someone having same attributes as their life partner rather totally opposite which is called a woman. Who can be smart and intelligent and all those things but in a totally different way/perspective.
You see the problem is in the basics. Let the man be the man and you stay a woman it’s more attractive and working trust me.
But that’s not happening at all, a new hot topic of the current times ‘Feminism’, really? How many feminist women are happily married out there?
I believe when we don’t follow what’s right then there are problems. Just one very simple example.
Allah told us to marry kids at younger age. We people decided to wait until they get a career, a car, a house and the girl gets her PHD and stuff.
Now what happens in all that time?
Chances are girl would have an affair where if the guy is nice he’d just play with her from the outside and if the guy’s a player he’d take her most important thing.
What happens after that?
The girl becomes a woman yet single. Now she isolates herself, thinks and develop some ideologies in her heart. All those ideologies carry with her til the day she eventually gets married.
Now what happens after that?
She acts differently then she should be acting with her husband. She gave something in the past now she expects to take things from his husband because she thinks that’s the right way, shes demanding, controlling, argumentative etc.
I believe the natural ideal flow of married relationships is;
Men want to have things first then give things back. And it includes everything really, love, respect, care etc. But in real life women want to have things first and then give something back.
Technically speaking a man is not feeling good about the marriage neither the woman because both are expecting at the same time.
This causes confusion, arguments, dissatisfaction, verbal abuse and worse.
I feel extremely sad for all those women who encounter abuse, cheating and other problems in their married life. But just try to imagine one simple thing. Can anything bad happen to a person who isn’t bad, wasn’t bad? Allah says no it won’t happen.
But you’ve many examples where bad things happen to good women, the reason is nobody likes to go back and digg the past.
If I’ve been sleeping with women all my life and now I expect my wife to be loyal with me that’s not going to happen because I don’t deserve that. That’s just one thing.
I’ve seen sister in laws been mean to their new bhabhis, so do you think those girls deserve or think they’ll be fine when they’ll get married?
You get what you plant. Women forget that and that’s the biggest problem with women. They do ****ty things to other women throughout their lives and those things come back to them later in life in different ways and shapes and then they think I didn’t do anything wrong why this is happening to me.
Tiny little things and details make a man graceful and tiny little things and details make a woman lady. Our behaviors as a human being with others specially when we get our senses together as we grow up define rest of our lives.
I respect and appreciate women from the bottom of my heart more than anyone else trust me and the reason I’m writing this much is because I want to help them here and if anything I said can make a difference in someone’s life I don’t expect anything in return.
Coming back to your points again.
What winterfireflies said is right in many ways but is that the best option for a woman? I would say no.
One very important thing women don’t realize is the difference between when a man has sex for the first time vs a woman has sex for the first time.
Both are totally different things, women can’t be alone after that. They simply can’t. On the other hand men can and they’ve different options available, I know that might sound like a very weird thing but that’s a strange fact.
So if a woman decides to leave or have the kids and gets a divorce, what happens after that?
She’s not going to get married again easily in most of the cases which means she’s going to have a more ****ty phase in her life then what she had before. And if she has the kids she won’t be able to raise them well because she’s psychologically damaged, extremely hurt and physically alone.
It’s sad to say but it’s not a lie that many such women have affairs with younger men later in their lives if they don’t get married again.
You can not deny the importance of fatherhood, the way it damages a child nothing else damages a child’s character and grooming like that. Plus there are financial issues and that’s a big topic in it’s own.
That’s why women take a big deep breath with pain in their hearts and carry on with that douche-bag.
Allah says I don’t put more burden on anyone’s shoulder then the amount/weight they could handle. This one is a very tricky thing and we need to understand what it means.
It means whatever that woman is going through is something she can handle which means if some things are changed her husband can be fine or a tad better and it’s a gradual process for those psycho husbands. Here actual smartness and intelligent of a woman should work but at this point she’s totally empty in terms of wisdom and intelligence and her all confidence is gone when she needs it the most.
I’ve seen many cases where husbands become a very nice person after a terrible phase of married life.
One other reason is that in our miserable societies men expect way more than a woman can offer to him as a wife which is very sad and a very big reason of most of the verbal and physical abuse. Things like money from wife’s family and many other cheap things like that.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
and THAT is why you do what you need to do to live a good life. A good life isn’t free of struggles but at the end of the day you ask yourself if you’re satisfied. No matter hwat you do, someone will have a problem with it. As long as you can live wiht yourself, the hell wiht what everyone else says.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
welll…you’re part of the problem too then aren’t you?
Given how serious divorce is, I would rather give someone benefit of the doubt and realize that something a lot worse was going on rather than assume the person “involved in the divorce rate going up”. Our perception isn’t necessarily reality, just because we think we’ know wha’ts happening doesn’t mean its actually true.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
I have a feeling I’m going to regret this but here goes…
what makes women “absorb” too much “men psyche”? you seem to be following some sort of logic so maybe you can explain why you think women take on manly characteristics.
does this not cause any problems for men?
what about the cases of abuse that existed centuries ago when “feminism” did not exist as much as it does today? what about the beautiful flowers that were mentally, emotionally and physically abused in those times? what did those women do to deserve their fate?
If your past generates your future then the men that behave in such abusive ways must have done something wrong to deserve such ill-mannered women, right?
you may be right…perhaps there are men out there that would feel inadequate when faced with a woman that challenges them. these men would definitely feel threatened in the roles defined by their mediocre minds. this is truly a very basic concept.
feminism is a new hot topic? that’s news to me.
as for how many feminist women are happily married…why don’t you do some research and tell us? show us how learned you are.
why do you have such a negative view? why are the chances that the girl would have an affair? is she not able to control herself?
and let’s assume for a minute that you are correct, is she having the affair alone or is there a guy involved somewhere? what of the character of that guy?
if what you suggest is the norm, then there should be an equal number of men and women out there that have been involved in affairs hence the expectations on both sides will have changed (i.e. his expectations and her expectations will have adjusted, right?). then why the abuse?
why must the man receive before he gives? if you believe that women are “flowers” and should adopt more “feminine” personality and character traits then that would make them delicate and vulnerable. wouldn’t it be reasonable to assume that this delicate and vulnerable being should receive before she is expected to give? you can’t expect her to give first.
are you saying that bad things will only happen to someone that is/was bad? hmm…that’s an interesting belief. can you then explain an innocent child being sick with stage 4 cancer? can you explain natural disasters where thousands of people are crushed in earthquakes? what “bad” do you think these people did? there are countless examples I could give of innocent people that suffer. how do you explain that in light of your assertion that Allah would not let bad things happen to good people?
your position seems to suggest that it’s okay to rape a woman if she is wearing revealing clothing because she is “asking for it” by dressing provocatively.
and you get what you plant…if that’s the case then perhaps the hands of the man in an abusive relationship aren’t as clean as you would paint them to be …because after all…a marriage failing is not a blemish on just the female, it’s a blemish on him too, right? do men forget that too?
sorry…I’m lost…are you saying that men can have sex alone?
psychological damage and emotional hurt can be remedied. to say that a woman cannot raise her kids well on her own as a result of a broken marriage is utter rubbish. there are so many examples of women that have done just that and done it successfully.
agreed you cannot deny the importance of fatherhood…by the same token you cannot deny the ignorance of an idiot that does nothing to behave like a father and sets a lousy example as a husband.
as for the financial issues…we are well into the 21st century…women have numerous opportunities to earn money and support not only themselves but their children. it’s happening believe it or not…even in Pakistan.
no…it’s opinions like yours’ that make women remain in abusive relationships. mindsets that convince women they are at fault in situations where they are actually victims.
and I’ve seen many women live with broken bones, bruises and suffer the very real consequences of their husband’s infidelity (some in the form of step-children). no woman should have to endure any of this while waiting for the husband to “become a very nice person” when he sees his own old age and mortality rear it’s ugly head.
yes..you must be tired. that’s a heavy burden you seem to be carrying.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
i can say your tiny little thing has made you a graceful man, sir. thank you for posting all this. vary nice advises and you opening the eyes from behinds.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
You’re adorable!
You’re caliber is not quite much but I’ll try to make you understand some things here.
Seems like you’re kind of person who thinks that men and woman are same. Which is not true because they both are different creatures biologically, psychologically, physically, socially and emotionally.
There roles are not the same either cultural, societal or traditional. But what you see in the modern world is that women now do or try to do almost all those things that men traditionally have been doing.
Now what does this do to the women and that’s a topic never been talked about. All that charisma wasted in becoming a cocky woman actually diminishes that woman’s woman-ism.
When one gender let’s say a male tries to do act/perform like a female gender for a quantifiable amount of time the actual essence of it’s original sexual/gender identity is lost/confused/mixed and usually it’s an irreversible process. Why gay men have common things with straight women in the current times in terms of psychology, emotions etc.
I hope you defend gay-ism as well.
From psychological point of view girls who are the only sister in the family and close to their brothers tend to act differently than a normal traditional female. That again is a big topic in it’s own. Not going to discuss here.
So when a modern woman after a certain age which varies around the general lifestyle patterns in different economic structures and upbringing styles gets the exposure of the real world the first thing she feels in herself is the urge to be independent the way men are traditionally speaking.
Now what happens after that? The woman starts to build a new personality in herself denying her own original and natural identity of a pure woman and starts to absorb things she finds interesting and competing to men. This is a long process of women brain development lasting more than a decade in usual cases. The final product is a confused human being physically a woman but mentally and psychologically a new bread which acts like a woman when failing in a scenario and acts like a man when wining. It’s the biggest weapon of modern women now a days.
That doesn’t effect men at all because men don’t feel the urge to do any of those things.
If we go back in time and see women abuse in the past the numbers are shockingly sad. The biggest reasons were absence of Islam, poor understanding of woman gender roles, social acceptability issues and appreciation by the men. When we talk about modern times the reasons are pretty much the same for men who go for abuse of any kind but numbers are dramatically decreases in current times.
Evolution of human being without Islam created such men women of those times are forgiven by Allah and live in Jannah and they are an example to show to coming generations of human beings to differentiate between wrong and the right.
Women/men who speak for female abuse are carrying that epidemic argument of woman abuse speaking wrong statistics to create/sustain an image of women abuse as the hottest/biggest topic even in the current times.
Many studies have shown that in the modern world around 40 to 50 percent of the times the victim of domestic abuse are actually men not women. Shocked right? Also women rape propaganda by those same feminist women gives statistics that 1 out of 5 women are being raped but the real statistics say a lot different. The real statistic say 1 in 53-70 women are victim of rape.
I’m not still not defending rape but just trying to make a point. Exaggerated realities becomes a theory and that’s the problem of modern women as they’re more exposed to the media/tv as compared to men as their own personal preference not knowing the fact of global media strategies of feminism and family crisis in the Muslim world.
Studies have further shown that females abuse other females specially in gay or close relationships where the dependency factor is high. Studies have also shown things that enable women to avoid personal responsibility in their relationships/marriages which in results lead to relationship/marriage problems. Other studies have shown that women are more manipulative and violent towards other fellow women.
As far as my personal experience and knowledge about women is concerned all of the women in the world tend to act good til things are going in their favor and the moment things go little off track they become a totally different human being which I’m not going to discuss here.
Past and present generates/define your future and that’s an Islamic point of view to understand human beings miserable existence. A bad woman deserves a bad man and in most of the cases gets the same and vice versa.
Feminism is all time hot topic since the very first day when the feminist revolution started. Modern women’s weak understanding of a bad situation and different effect of it’s consequences in both of the genders eventually makes women more damaged.
When we talk about the chances of a woman having an affair we are actually talking about the masses and the increasing trend of cross gender relationships even in the Muslim countries by lack of the implementation of Islamic marriage system.
A flower must smell good then it gets the appreciation and if a flower doesn’t smell good someone will either pluck it and throw it away or walk over it. Your resilience in your words shows your poor understanding about a lot of concepts and the same insecurity you feel as all other women.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
^ I don’t think you even understand the basics of Islam which treat women with more respect than anywhere in your post. You make women sound like lab rats.
Did you know our Prophet’s (saw) wife Khadija (RA) was not a housewife? She was a business woman and our beloved Prophet (saw) was her employee? She was the one who proposed to Him? She was the ultimate feminist!
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
You’ve pointed out only one issue in my recent message means you agree to everything else.
I’m not here to make anyone happy and can you please stop comparing yourself with Hazrat Khadija (RA). I can explain that as well but not feeling like because I’m tired.
And please go read the definition of feminism and the difference between actual feminist revolution.
