Is a person “stupid” to stay in an abusive,volatile marriage thinking it would improve because all human beings are flawed? I was just talking with a person that’s never been married and when they blatantly said that the person would be stupid to stay in such a marriage and should’ve gotten a divorce after 1 month.
Then we have people that say that the divorce rate is going up in the desi community and it’s really staggering how people just don’t give value to the institution of marriage anymore.
Someone I know is in a marriage where the wife was informed of her husband having an affair and there was evidence of it but she’s still married to the man even if he is unfaithful.
Either you’re stupid for trying to make it work and not giving up too early and letting years go by improving oneself and being hopeful not believing in the concept of divorce or you’re one of the ones that’s involved in the divorce rate going up.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
No of course in most cases i’m guessing the person is not shutting up and steps are taken to show that the abuse will not be tolerated and that’s why the marriage is given another chance right? The basis of still wanting to work on the marriage is the fact that we are all flawed individuals.
A woman that has no means of income most likely would think that marriage after divorce is not possible because the word divorce already has such a negative tag attached to it so she stays.
I’ve seen a person that got a divorce after 1 month of marriage or after a couple months of marriage which initially when I hear that I feel like how much was the marriage given a chance if after only 1 month divorce is taken as a very serious option.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
Well, I believe there is a line beyond which compromises and making-it-work doesn’t really work. Physical abuse is one of those things. Some people can’t tolerate it at all and rightly so and thats why they get out of marriage only 1 months after because they think they haven’t invested much and are better off alone or remarrying than taking a chance that a person might change and stop hitting. So you can’t really blame them for getting divorce 1 month out and its not their fault that divorce rate is high. If you want to blame, blame it on the guy who raised his hand.
Other woman might want to make things work and give it another chance. But usually once a person raises hand on his wife, he will again in the future - 2 months, 3 yr, 5 yr down the road whatever. Exceptions do exist but not very common.
Ofcourse getting a divorce 1 month after marriage because husband doesn’t do dishes/or doesn’t buy flowers etc. is absurd and ridiculous. But I don’t think most girls get divorce for that reason
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
Its really easy to be an outsider and say these things…she’s stupid to do this or that.
Reality is…no one has the right answer…the only one who does is walking that path and making their decisions.
Staying in an abusive marriage or with an unfaithful spouse is not a choice women make because they’re stupid…they make it because they see their kids. Its to keep their families together in the hopes that things will change. The questions children will have, their disappointments, pain and frustration…its not easy for a parent to bear that.
Its easy to walk away when its just you…but when you have kids…you don’t come first anymore. They do.
On the other hand…women who leave don’t do it because they’ve given up…they leave to protect their own sanity so they can be a good parent. They make a choice to also put their kids first and preserve whatever is left of themselves…in the hopes that things will be better down the road and to give their kids the best of them.
There are no right or wrong answers here…you really do have to walk in someone else’s shoes to understand what they go through. Divorce is one of the hardest things you’ll do - even if you don’t love each other and can’t stand another minute together.
A ‘flaw’ would be having a short temper, being lazy, not caring enough about certain things etc etc. When ur hurting someone else to where it’s described as abuse… that’s a line u don’t cross, that’s not a flaw. I think the ‘fool me once’ saying applies here. It’s not easy to walk away from a marriage cos if u love the other person, u’ll find every reason to stay… but idk.. to me, abuse is something u can’t ignore or expect to go away.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
Yeah abuse and infidelity should not be tolerated by anyone, these are def legit grounds to end marriage. Ideally the red flags are seen in advance and people do their own due diligence in advance.
Don’t take decision to marry someone lightly. But once you do marry try to figure out solutions to issues in a constructive and productive manner and both husband and wife should work together and put in the consistent effort to make each other happy.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
You know when you look at something too closely, focus gets blurry sometimes. I think being in a bad marriage is something like that. You live everyday trying to make sense of your relationship. You start looking so closely that you see parts of the big picture but not the picture everyone is looking at from the outside.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
The stupidity is the understandable human flaw. The flaw is being vulnerable to manipulative and abusive personalities over and over again. it is stupid, but it is also forgivable and understandable.
Abuse is not a “flaw” you should be accepting of. The abusive personality makes a choice to take out all her/his problems on the “victim”. The abuse can come in many forms, but they usually involve making the victim feel small and unwanted so that s/he feels deserving of the abuse.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
Yes. Because no matter how much you love a person, that does NOT give them a right to abuse you. You need to respect yourself otherwise no-one else will respect you. If you stay quiet, then the abuser has a free pass to do whatever he/she wants.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
Sometimes the women end up staying because they got no support on their backs from their own families, at different stages in life they could be without parents, where siblings don’t care or too busy in their lives, don’t want an extra burden, bhabi’s that don’t like their nands coming to live with them, etc…so a lot of times they end up staying in stale/abusive relationships.
It’s the old hinduism all over again, girl got married, now ur dead body should exit that mans home (this is the real crapp)
Also the stigma desi community and mentality that gives to a separated/divorced woman is not encouraging, everyone secretly blames them for the failed marriage (i suspect this to be main cause)…
jahan aajkal single girls ko rishtay milnay mushkil hain, divorced lerkiyan ka kaun haal poochay…
From what i’ve seen… staying in abusive marriages for kids/family reasons predominantly exists in the desi community… probably cos divorce is so stigmatized and we follow Hindu culture. Other ethnicities tend to cite their kids as a strong reason for walking away from a bad marriage.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
I have had privilege to sit with very good family Councillor..and she stated what Reha said. Divorce is one of the hardest thing anyone can go with. I think, if the relationship doesn’t involve cheating or abuse..couple should try to work their differences. Even if it means taking counselling sessions. That is what the education teaches us. No marriage is perfect…we all make mistakes..even stupid ones..(as long as no infidelity or abuse) involve..there is a chance marriage can work.
Abuse can come in many forms. And one of them is..be-belittling your partner emotionally. And hence this becomes verbal assault. An abuser if you talk to them and you’re having normal conversation going to heated debate. All of sudden, they feel “threatened” and start accusing victim that you’re threatening them. So abuser’s reality becomes their own nightmare. This is just one of the examples here. These people need constant therapy as i learnt over the time. And no your family cannot be your Councillor. Because you do need outside’s perspective. An another sign of verbal and emotional abusers are that..they refuse to seek help from outside.
Marriage can work, if both parnter are ready to admit their mistakes, correct them..help and motivate each other. Eventually things become normal and better. Divorce is usually last last resort. But please keep in mind..any kind of divorce doesn’t mean..it is end of the world.
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
There must be couselling sessions before marriages.. but we just get busy in preparing wedding day..may Allah guide us and may Allah bring peace and love in husband and wife relation and may He protect this relation from shaitan!!
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
and where is the value in beating your spouse? because last time i checked that wasn’t part of marriage either. so if the abusive spouse is not keeping up their end of the contract - to love and honour and treat their spouse well - then why the hell should the abused stay married to them ‘for the sake of marriage’? screw that!
just depends on your view really, my own father is volatile and my mother chose to stay with him. and yes, i can safely say that he is a changed man now (thanks to the fact he is older and more ill therefore has no energy to behave the way he used to) and thankfully he has calmed down a lot but does that necessarily mean it was worth it? thats like being involved in a nasty accident and surviving it. sure you survived but you still have the scars and mental anguish to remind you of what happened to you. i certainly couldn’t do it, marriage is meant to be a beautiful thing therefore i expect it to be beautiful. i will be my husbands wife, not his damn property to treat the way he wants. heck people are even nicer towards their actual property. you never see men beating down their car or tearing up their house but give him a wife and hes happy to break her bones?
never mind divorce, if my husband beat me i’d probably kill him. rant over
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
If I came across someone who divorced that quickly I’d tend to think something really bad happened, taking into account our culture where divorce still comes with stigma in most families..
Drink or drug problems, forced nikkah, physical violence or secret gf/bf.. I think it’s in situations like that where quick divorces are most likely to happen in desi culture - and those are completely justified imo..
Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up
^I actually agree with Deebs..quick divorce occur when something bad happens. Heard this case recently where a woman..yes woman became physically abusive after three or 4 days of marriage. Thankfully guy called police and later..that woman was diagnosed with mental illness. Eventually this lead to divorce. May Allah protect us all!..scary scary stuff yo!