Staying in a volatile marriage...divorce rate going up

[Muzna]

Re: Staying in a volatile marriage…divorce rate going up

I have a feeling I’m going to regret this but here goes…

@strangeworld

I think women are the most beautiful thing in the world and I find them not less attractive than a flower but the sad truth is women don’t act like a flower. You see in modern world women have absorbed too much men psyche, lifestyle, communications and freedom which at the end of the day causes troubles for who? For women obviously.

• what makes women “absorb” too much “men psyche”? you seem to be following some sort of logic so maybe you can explain why you think women take on manly characteristics.

• does this not cause any problems for men?

@strangeworld

A thing which I call a pure woman trust me no man would ever hurt her in anyway. But what a man is supposed to do when she’s not acting like a woman?

The main cause of any sort of marriage related problems I believe is less woman-ism in a woman. It’s a very big concept and I hope I’d be able to elaborate that sometime in future but not right now.

• what about the cases of abuse that existed centuries ago when “feminism” did not exist as much as it does today? what about the beautiful flowers that were mentally, emotionally and physically abused in those times? what did those women do to deserve their fate?

@strangeworld

Plus I think chances depend on your past, your mentality and eventually your faith as a Muslim. Your past generates your future.

• If your past generates your future then the men that behave in such abusive ways must have done something wrong to deserve such ill-mannered women, right?

@strangeworld

If a girl is cocky, confident, sharp, resilient, argumentative, demanding, smart, or in simple words someone nobody can catch. Do you really think a man would be able to adjust with her?

That’s never going to happen because men are all that already and they don’t want someone having same attributes as their life partner rather totally opposite which is called a woman. Who can be smart and intelligent and all those things but in a totally different way/perspective.

You see the problem is in the basics. Let the man be the man and you stay a woman it’s more attractive and working trust me.

• you may be right…perhaps there are men out there that would feel inadequate when faced with a woman that challenges them. these men would definitely feel threatened in the roles defined by their mediocre minds. this is truly a very basic concept.

@strangeworld

But that’s not happening at all, a new hot topic of the current times ‘Feminism’, really? How many feminist women are happily married out there?

• feminism is a new hot topic? that’s news to me.
• as for how many feminist women are happily married…why don’t you do some research and tell us? show us how learned you are.

@strangeworld

I believe when we don’t follow what’s right then there are problems. Just one very simple example.

Allah told us to marry kids at younger age. We people decided to wait until they get a career, a car, a house and the girl gets her PHD and stuff.

Now what happens in all that time?

Chances are girl would have an affair where if the guy is nice he’d just play with her from the outside and if the guy’s a player he’d take her most important thing.

What happens after that?

The girl becomes a woman yet single. Now she isolates herself, thinks and develop some ideologies in her heart. All those ideologies carry with her til the day she eventually gets married.

Now what happens after that?

She acts differently then she should be acting with her husband. She gave something in the past now she expects to take things from his husband because she thinks that’s the right way, shes demanding, controlling, argumentative etc.

• why do you have such a negative view? why are the chances that the girl would have an affair? is she not able to control herself?
• and let’s assume for a minute that you are correct, is she having the affair alone or is there a guy involved somewhere? what of the character of that guy?
• if what you suggest is the norm, then there should be an equal number of men and women out there that have been involved in affairs hence the expectations on both sides will have changed (i.e. his expectations and her expectations will have adjusted, right?). then why the abuse?

@strangeworld

I believe the natural ideal flow of married relationships is;

Men want to have things first then give things back. And it includes everything really, love, respect, care etc. But in real life women want to have things first and then give something back.

Technically speaking a man is not feeling good about the marriage neither the woman because both are expecting at the same time.

This causes confusion, arguments, dissatisfaction, verbal abuse and worse.

• why must the man receive before he gives? if you believe that women are “flowers” and should adopt more “feminine” personality and character traits then that would make them delicate and vulnerable. wouldn’t it be reasonable to assume that this delicate and vulnerable being should receive before she is expected to give? you can’t expect her to give first.

@strangeworld

I feel extremely sad for all those women who encounter abuse, cheating and other problems in their married life. But just try to imagine one simple thing. Can anything bad happen to a person who isn’t bad, wasn’t bad? Allah says no it won’t happen.

But you’ve many examples where bad things happen to good women, the reason is nobody likes to go back and digg the past.

If I’ve been sleeping with women all my life and now I expect my wife to be loyal with me that’s not going to happen because I don’t deserve that. That’s just one thing.

I’ve seen sister in laws been mean to their new bhabhis, so do you think those girls deserve or think they’ll be fine when they’ll get married?

You get what you plant. Women forget that and that’s the biggest problem with women. They do ****ty things to other women throughout their lives and those things come back to them later in life in different ways and shapes and then they think I didn’t do anything wrong why this is happening to me.

Tiny little things and details make a man graceful and tiny little things and details make a woman lady. Our behaviors as a human being with others specially when we get our senses together as we grow up define rest of our lives.

• are you saying that bad things will only happen to someone that is/was bad? hmm…that’s an interesting belief. can you then explain an innocent child being sick with stage 4 cancer? can you explain natural disasters where thousands of people are crushed in earthquakes? what “bad” do you think these people did? there are countless examples I could give of innocent people that suffer. how do you explain that in light of your assertion that Allah would not let bad things happen to good people?

• your position seems to suggest that it’s okay to rape a woman if she is wearing revealing clothing because she is “asking for it” by dressing provocatively.

• and you get what you plant…if that’s the case then perhaps the hands of the man in an abusive relationship aren’t as clean as you would paint them to be …because after all…a marriage failing is not a blemish on just the female, it’s a blemish on him too, right? do men forget that too?

@strangeworld

I respect and appreciate women from the bottom of my heart more than anyone else trust me and the reason I’m writing this much is because I want to help them here and if anything I said can make a difference in someone’s life I don’t expect anything in return.

Coming back to your points again.

What winterfireflies said is right in many ways but is that the best option for a woman? I would say no.

One very important thing women don’t realize is the difference between when a man has sex for the first time vs a woman has sex for the first time.

Both are totally different things, women can’t be alone after that. They simply can’t. On the other hand men can and they’ve different options available, I know that might sound like a very weird thing but that’s a strange fact.

• sorry…I’m lost…are you saying that men can have sex alone?

@strangeworld

So if a woman decides to leave or have the kids and gets a divorce, what happens after that?

She’s not going to get married again easily in most of the cases which means she’s going to have a more ****ty phase in her life then what she had before. And if she has the kids she won’t be able to raise them well because she’s psychologically damaged, extremely hurt and physically alone.

• psychological damage and emotional hurt can be remedied. to say that a woman cannot raise her kids well on her own as a result of a broken marriage is utter rubbish. there are so many examples of women that have done just that and done it successfully.

@strangeworld

It’s sad to say but it’s not a lie that many such women have affairs with younger men later in their lives if they don’t get married again.

You can not deny the importance of fatherhood, the way it damages a child nothing else damages a child’s character and grooming like that. Plus there are financial issues and that’s a big topic in it’s own.

• agreed you cannot deny the importance of fatherhood…by the same token you cannot deny the ignorance of an idiot that does nothing to behave like a father and sets a lousy example as a husband.

• as for the financial issues…we are well into the 21st century…women have numerous opportunities to earn money and support not only themselves but their children. it’s happening believe it or not…even in Pakistan.

@strangeworld

That’s why women take a big deep breath with pain in their hearts and carry on with that douche-bag.

• no…it’s opinions like yours’ that make women remain in abusive relationships. mindsets that convince women they are at fault in situations where they are actually victims.

@strangeworld

Allah says I don’t put more burden on anyone’s shoulder then the amount/weight they could handle. This one is a very tricky thing and we need to understand what it means.

It means whatever that woman is going through is something she can handle which means if some things are changed her husband can be fine or a tad better and it’s a gradual process for those psycho husbands. Here actual smartness and intelligent of a woman should work but at this point she’s totally empty in terms of wisdom and intelligence and her all confidence is gone when she needs it the most.

I’ve seen many cases where husbands become a very nice person after a terrible phase of married life.

• and I’ve seen many women live with broken bones, bruises and suffer the very real consequences of their husband’s infidelity (some in the form of step-children). no woman should have to endure any of this while waiting for the husband to “become a very nice person” when he sees his own old age and mortality rear it’s ugly head.

@strangeworld

One other reason is that in our miserable societies men expect way more than a woman can offer to him as a wife which is very sad and a very big reason of most of the verbal and physical abuse. Things like money from wife’s family and many other cheap things like that.

God I’m tired

• yes..you must be tired. that’s a heavy burden you seem to be carrying.