Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Don’t know if this has been asked yet or not, if so I’d love to see some links of previous responses as well.

I’ve been married for a year and a half. My husband and I are going to be near my in-laws (we live far away right now for his schooling) for a family wedding of a relative for the first time after he recently told his parents over the phone that he doesn’t wish for us all to live together in the future after he finishes school, under same roof because he considers it against Islam and also for privacy issues. He is the only son, so as you can imagine this caused quite an uproar. He only mentioned that he thought it wasn’t a good idea to do so because his mom who is very insecure kept forcing the question on him. He thought after her bugging him so much it’s better to be honest that he doesn’t wish to live with them.

Both MIL and FIL are in good health and MIL is working a well paying job, FIL has some mysterious “business” that never brings home any money (read:unemployed by choice). Neither one is dependent in any way, and are financially stable due to mother in laws income. Mother in law and father in law both don’t get along with each other, there is constant tension in the home and my husband or his sibling are mediating their fights.

We have lived with them previously for a few months on and off right after the shaadi. We had no privacy as a newlywed couple, shared bathrooms, small house caused lots of issues. Also they have cats and dogs which I don’t mind the pets but the in-laws level of hygiene is not up to my standards. The cats will vomit on the carpet, dog will pee on it, and they just clean it up like its no big deal. Ive always been bitten by bugs when we stay in his room. they let the cat sit on my bed even though i always mention that i dont like it and made clear i dont want any animal in my room. Kasam se dil chahta hai ke jootay nahi utaaro unke ghar mein. I cringe walking barefoot on the carpet and seeing the stains. They wash the pets food bowls in same dishwasher as their own dishes and I just can’t stand it.

Mother in law has blamed me for my husbands decision to not live with his parents in future, even though I was fine with it. What she doesn’t realize is that it is he (their own son) that doesn’t want to live with his parents because they are an emotionally toxic environment. But it’s easy to blame the daughter in law, even though I have not said even one word on the subject.

My question is, we will be in town for two days for this wedding and have to spend one night. Hubby and I previously discussed that if we go, this time we will stay the night in a hotel for privacy, cleanliness, comfort, and our personal own bathroom to use to get ready for the wedding. Now that the time is getting closer, he hasn’t brought it up. I am wondering, should we go one step at a time and just stay with them this time and stay in hotel in future for longer visits? Or should we stand our ground, strike while the iron is hot so to speak and just stay in the hotel this time since this type of discussion is already in the air?

Because of our Pakistani culture, I’m afraid this will hurt the feelings of his parents, so i would be willing to forego my own comfort for them, but is that the right thing to do? I don’t know.

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Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Enviroment at your inlaws will be tense now, stay at the hotel

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

blame it on the animals and say you are allergic. simple.

stay at hotel.

p.s) im disgusted by the pet behaviour.. ewww

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

The only thing is that I've stayed previously for months without allergy problem, so they will know its a lie.
If my husband or I mention its because of the cleanliness it's an insult, they will take the criticism as offense, to be honest it's not my house I can't tell them what to do there. This is also part of the reason hubby doesn't want them to live with us cuz he knows there will be tensions due to differences in nature over cleanliness.

I figured they dislike me right now anyway, if I stay in a hotel they'll still dislike me. If I stay in their house, they'll still dislike me. So what's the point?

more advice is appreciated.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

DUDE YOURE SOLUCKY They ahve pets!!!! best excuse ever! most desi people don't like pets/are allergic, so thats a totally valid excuse!!!!

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

staying at hotel is odd, better not to go at all or just let ur husband go

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

If your husband is ok with you two staying at a hotel, then do that.

As for all the other stuff....let them blame you all they want. The ONLY persons feelings you need to concerned about in this situation is your husband. As long as he's comfortable with the decision to stay at the hotel (and living in a separate house from his parents), then that's all that matters. Continue to not to say anything to them about this....let your husband deal with them.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

EEWWWW the pets thingy is disgustinG!!

Just tell them that u have developed an allergy since a while :) It actually is possible to get allergic to animals during the years ( i have an cat and dog allergy since 1 year...therefore i didn't had any allergy for animals or polls..

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

depends on how cordial your relationship is with them and also how comfortable/uncomfortable they would be as a host due to their age/financial situation. one more thing to consider is the size of their dwelling. you have to consider all the above to arrive at a decision.

If the answers to the above is a positive one then staying with inlaws will be a good thing which will strengthen the relationship further and it will give them immense pleasure to have you guys close to them.

*** *:)

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Ugh I hate animals, the pets and the lack of cleanliness is excuse enough to warrant a hotel stay, you deserve an award to be able to put up with that even before this. I say stay at the hotel without any hesitations!! If I were in your place I would not even care, it makes it easier for me to decide because I have an animal phobia that I cannot compromise with, I also am more comfortable in a clean environment. I don't think it should be an issue, I would even be honest about the pet issues I was having and let them know these are my reasons because I don't think there is anything to be shy about if delivered politely. I don't know of any desi families that have pets, maybe a outdoor cat but nothing like how you described...

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Its not a big deal for one night. Stay with them. Your staying in a hotel is going to be more damaging for your relationship with inlaws.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

^ would you stay at the place she just described? No offense but it sounds disgusting.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Yeah, as uncomfortable as I am, I guess it's just one night, which most of the night will be spent at the wedding. Best to just stay quiet and put up with it. Especially since I feel like hubby is torn, I don't want him to have to pick between me or them. I'm also praying that some other relatives will just take our room that are visiting for the shaadi and we will be"forced" to stay at a hotel, that would be the best case scenario.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Just tell your husband that HE needs to be the one to make this decision since it involves his family. And that whatever decision he makes, you will support him.

In case he does decide to stay with them, like you said.....its just 1 night so you don't have a whole lot to lose.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

It is after all one night. In the future when longer visits etc happen, you and your husband will have to see what is best for you for you both.

You will always be blamed, after all you are the DIL. That is until your MIL changes her own way of thinking and attitude. Just take it with a grain of salt. What Moms/MIL don't realise is that their relationship with their sons is on a different level,and the relationship between the DIL and hubby are completely different. Even husbands are cowardly and throw their wives into the dogfight, as they cannot be honest with their own parents about what they want ie privacy, living separately etc etc..which is why the DIL is forever public enemy #1.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Absolutely, they baby their sons so that they will never stand up to them. They are already guilt tripping my husband about his decision for future living arrangements even though he has said he will always financially provide for them. sigh Guess I'll just bite the bullet on this one, as usual.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

You staying in a hotel rather than their home is going to have a negative effect over long term.

Personally, I wouldn't go.

Your husband grew up in that environment so he should be ok dealing with it.

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Re: Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

My messy room suddenly seems very cleaner now.

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The husband should be the one to communicate. Allergy approach is fine, if you guys want to spare their feelings or address yipyap of community at large, allergies can start at any time. Especially allergies to animals.

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Staying at a hotel instead of MIL's house during visit?

Can anyone post islamic views about giving wife separate home
Im trying to convince husband, who doesnt understand im not comfortable living in a joint family ( parentsinlaw, sisters, brother, niece).