Re: [Split Thread] The Joint Family System
I don’t understand what is so wrong with living separate? Why is it sooooo horrible for a woman to want some space? Especially in the beginning of the marriage when two people neeeeeed that time. Leaving your parents and never looking back is one thing - but if you moved across the street or even in the same neighborhood, how is that bad? How is that a sin as its being portrayed here? One thing I will never understand about people who claim to be religious or who use Islam in everything is…WHY is necessary to be unjust with one person in order to be just with another? Why? Where in Islam does it say “stay with your parents even if it causes problems in your marriage”?
There’s nothing wrong with it. Though I would like to point out that in my circle, the people who have moved out of their parents’ houses to give space to their wives was through the counsel of religious elders. And the reality is far from being that only the religious try to force it on people. I would say it’s much more from those who end up benefiting from that setup, particularly at the expense of others, which in itself goes against deen.
Princess1983:
I agree with Reha. Not all those who wish to live in separate dwellings are doing so to literally leave their parents behind or shy away from duties as children. Unfortunately a lot of cultural influences make it near impossible for some families (my Mums side being my own example) to live separately without blaming one person or another and saying they are bad/too modern etc etc. They don’t give a damn about the fact it would be easier all around for my Mamus to live separate from each other. Both my Mamus wives come from very different backgrounds; and sadly one has a nasty nature of seeing everything in a negative light and twisting everything anyone says to her (she’s done it to me so I know it’s something she does not just hearsay). My grandparents are now deceased; but oh no my older Mamu who cannot be bothered to earn refuses to let his younger brother live in peace alone because none of the elders lived alone it was always a joint family system. It failed generation after generation; no one in my opinion ever benefitted from it. My Grandparents recalled arguments/violence and the like living in the joint family set up.
One of Khalas in married into a family where living together is literally frowned upon-even though for the first 14 years of my Khalas marriage her husband was based away from home as he was in a certain core of the Pakistani Army and thus was never at home. Her MIL said that she didn’t wish for any of her sons to live with her; and if time came where she needed support she would be happy to live at each of her children’s home for a certain amount of time which worked in all their interests. Auntie Jee (as I called her) got to see all her grandkids and families, there was no arguments over joint family crap and everyone was happy. And no my Khalas MIL was not an educated modern type of woman, she came from a small family with deep roots in a village however she felt the balance of a happy home was better and in the interest of everyone compared to culture of the joint family.
No one ever heard Auntie Jee complain that her kids were not doing their duties etc; as she was lucky enough to find a balance and was never at her marital home-she was always splitting time amongst the kids and it worked for everyone.
I think if you wish to live in a joint family and are happy with what it entails then that’s fab! If you want to live alone with your husband/wife and understand what that means too then again that’s fab too. My issue is when one of the systems are forced on a couple who clearly don’t want to be a part of it. This IMHO increases stress, tension, problems for the whole family etc. I honestly think sometimes those (families) like my Mums family that force people to live in such systems are SELFISH. It’s to meet your own needs; or to show others ‘oh look at us’ rather than the best interests of those in the situ.
Islamically we have duties yes; no one can deny that…saying that I am not saying a joint family system will ensure children do that. I’m aware of joint families where things have turned so bitter the DILs cook dinner in the family kitchen, leave a plate for their MIL/FIL and take the rest to their own room because if they were to sit in the same room the chances are huge arguments would break out over the fact the children are living with their parents out of the fact their parents are emotionally blackmailing them (“oh my brothers DILs live with him if you move out my izaath will go down the pan”).
When I visited Pakistan back in 2007 one of my husbands cousins wives was pregnant. Everyone knew about it because she lived in the joint family system and was unable to cook certain items due to the smell etc. Her BILs (even the unmarried ones) knew she was expecting, of course the elders knew. Everytime she was tired she wouldn’t rest because her MIL would make the comments of “my other DIL never had this…haaaayyyyyy nakre”. It was a shame to see but there you go. She went for a medical check up as she became quite ill; and because of the joint family system in place the womans husband had to go to his older brother and father and ask for extra money for the Doctors and explain why he needed it. I find that pretty tacky; with no hayaah considering they knew the situ anyway. This is one of the reasons I cannot get my own head around living in a joint family system and struggle when I visit my in-laws in Pakistan. It’s not just about covering your hair from non-mehrems for me. It’s a case of the constant watching some do, the picking up on small things that mean nothing but cause stress etc. This is how I feel; I’m not saying the system fails everytime as I’m assuming there are people happy in the set up too so that’s good. But honestly, if someones child wants to live away from them in a separate house and they are kicking up a fuss because their child won’t deal with them etc etc I don’t wish to sound negative but what does that say about the child’s upbringing?
Well said.