If you’re in the company of a family member or close friend who has repeated behaviors of over exaggeration, hypocritical behavior or telling half truths, is there ever a time where it’s appropriate to call them out? Or is it better to just let it go?
For example, I was at my mamoo’s house for dinner last night and the conversation drifted towards another member of our extended family who was not there. This person is a very strong and opinionated individual who habitually points out faults and behaviors in others, particularly pertaining to religion (is the self appointed Bidda’h police ), yet thinks nothing of “cheating the system” and taking short cuts whatever chance he gets (still using his deceased fil’s handicap parking tag, makes a nearly 6 figure income yet had applied for Medicare for his children by fudging income information)
Half of the people involved in this convo have an “enough is enough” POV want to call him out on this, the other half say “jaanay do…uskay muhn nahin lago, bilaa waja ghar main fasaad shuroo ho’jaain gay”
Report him to the government about cheating on his income and he will learn very quickly not to talk bad about others. I come from a religious family and usually I will use my religion in a way that it defends my position. It is hard to argue with someone when you know what they are saying is right. The thing about bidda'h is that all the scholars do not agree with what is bidda'h and what is not. It is best to talk about the major sins that everyone agrees are wrong and how we can avoid those and become better Muslims. There is a hadith that if you backbite then it is like you are eating the flesh of your brother, sometimes people need to be reminded.
If were in the gathering you mentioned, I would have stayed quiet about the person in question. Depending on my relationship with the person or people who are close to him, I might try to advise him.
Can you mention some examples of a couple of things that he might do that irritates your family members? Does he backbite the people or does he point out that something wrong that he sees them doing? Does he tell them in a really disrespectful way or does he tell them in a normal manner but people seem to be irritated by it because he’s bringing it up at all?
I’ve seen a whole lot of double standard with this type of thing too. For instance, I’ve seen people claiming to be all about “to each their own” and “let people do what they want, it’s none of your business” but when somebody does something in a manner they don’t like, they’ll question and even try to dissuade them. For instance, somebody starts to grow a beard, someone decides to segregate their functions, then these people will try to question/lecture them about these things. I’ve had my times of being questioned by those types of people. The way that I would react is to respond to their remarks with an appropriate comment, but only when they make their remarks. I wouldn’t initiate any discussion on it myself.
Just speak whatever it comes in your mind, if they say bad anything just ignore it because we can't change anyone habit or nature they are born like that.
Khatti, I usually gauge based on if it is going to make a difference. But with family members and friends I now keep quiet because telling tgem only brings about justifications for their actions and resentment toward me for pointing it out.
I'd leave him alone because I simply don't have time nor the interest to get involved in such issues. I would keep minimum contact with the guy due to his duplicitous behavior though. Avoid and ignore is the best policy with these kinds of plaster saints.
However, if I apprehend his attempt to criticize me or the important family figures with his sanctimonious hypocrisy, I would not hesitate to bluntly list his very own doings and pathetic implementations. Our entire genealogy will see the show. That would give him sufficiently enough to consider and plenty to be embarrassed about.
I would not get involved UNLESS you feel it will make a difference in the person's behavior towards others. If you think this person may try to rectify their behavior, have an open discussion. But if you think nothing will work and you'll be talking to a wall...do not bother. All it will do is create tension, bad feelings and nothing will result.
Also, if anyone WILL talk to this person...it should be an elder. People are more receptive to information passed on by elders.
I agree with Pashtun warrior. Forget about confronting him just report him to dept of motor vehicles about using someone else's handicapped permit and to IRS and Medicaid for fraud. If you feel very kind and generous drop him an anonymous note to sort this out or get reported first.
I don’t think any crime should be discussed like that online.
People need to be careful, and better have solid undeniable proof before making comments like that EVEN online.
What if someone writes he/she saw a murder or saw crime happening. Not good to announce or entertain those comments online.
**As a responsible citizen just do the right thing and report to authorities but make sure yo have proof(s). And not just sit behind the computer and write it. **
Funny thing is that my sister did anonymously report them through the a Medicate/gov’t website, but obviously it fell through the cracks, because they are still boasting about getting vaccinations for their upcoming Umrah for only $20 through the county health dept vs the $155 everyone else pays
And I agree on your Hadith…there was no “backbiting” going on really, we were concerned family members discussing another’s behavior
The person in question is my khala’s damaad, married to my first cousin. We are a very tight knit family, with a lot of interaction. Within our khandaan, there are varying schools of thougth and levels of religious practice. For example, my husband and I recently moved in to a new home, prior to our closing, at a family get together, someone casually asked us if we were planning on holding a quran khaani or something after we moved in. My husband answered “haan, kuch tho karlainga, inshallah”…even though he and I generally do to hold khatams or engage in fatihas etc ourselves, it was more about being polite to the elder who posed the question…bassssss…that very night, this person sent a mass email to the ENTIRE family about how to NOT engage in such biddah’ti practices blah blah blah…" because the Prophet SAWS never did such things…but here’s the kicker…this man not only encourages, but himself buys his wife revealing clothing, sleeveless and backless sari blouses etc…where is his deen then? Sometimes I’m really at a loss to keep from questioning his logic. Hence the purpose of this thread…when do you keep quiet vs speak up and questions someone’s hypocricy?
How do you know it’s never been reported? And yes, there is proof because again, as a family, we have all heard in detail exactly HOW they went about skirting the rules.
And I’m sorry that my subject matter offends you…let me get you some headache medicine for that face palm. Or maybe I can start cutting and pasting and google-ing my arguments ad nauseam
How do you know it's never been reported? And yes, there is proof because again, as a family, we have all heard in detail exactly HOW they went about skirting the rules.
And I'm sorry that my subject matter offends you...let me get you some headache medicine for that face palm. Or maybe I can start cutting and pasting and google-ing my arguments ad nauseam ;)
I never said it was never reported.
I said people should do the right thing to report it. Never said it offended me. Face palm smilie is a sign of disapproval.
Discussing real life crime even online behind a nick is not a good practice.
Anyhow: You do whatever you want. ;)
P.S. With regards to google and pasting, it is very common and acceptable method of discussing any given topic just like you read an article and a book which gives you references and bibliography for further understanding and reading.
Ah I see. How often does he do stuff like that (mass email thing)? Is it limited to something like that or is there anything more to it? I can see it can be a nuisance, but I wouldn’t be bothered by it if that’s the extent of it. Though I suspect there is quite a bit more to it than that seeing that it’s gotten you to write a topic about dealing with it.
Otherwise, my way of dealing with it is to take the good and leave the bad that anyone gives you. I’ve seen the other side of the coin, where people who don’t even pray, fast, pay zakaat and make excuses to not go for hajj will lecture others on Islam says this and Islam says that.
I would give him a chance and write a fake letter from the government to him and state that there have been reports that 'we' in the 'so and so department' have received ... Informing us of suspicious behaviour from your address .... ' and see what he makes of it ... Warn that a full investigation will be undertaken of benefits and accounts, credit cards usage, medical and government services ....
This is what I believe IF someone talks about others in front of U ---------be assured they also talk about U in front of others --
-and I say this every time when someone is talking bad of someone in his/her absence --normally they shut their mouths --
anyway there is a Quote: if U argue with ignorant and arrogant people they will bring u down to their level and beat U with their experience -----
), yet thinks nothing of “cheating the system” and taking short cuts whatever chance he gets (still using his deceased fil’s handicap parking tag, makes a nearly 6 figure income yet had applied for Medicare for his children by fudging income information)
Sometimes I’m really at a loss to keep from questioning his logic. Hence the purpose of this thread…when do you keep quiet vs speak up and questions someone’s hypocricy?