Sometimes mean mother

Lifestyle Relationships
,
1

Hey everyone,

I love my mother with all of my heart. Sometimes she is really mean to me. She loses her temper very easily, blames me for a lot of problems, etc. She also hits me, not as much as she did when i was younger, but even now in my early 20’s it does happen once in a while. I used to think that every desi kid had mothers like mine, but now as i look around me at my friends mothers, i see that they are not like this at all. When i confided in my best friend that my mother still slaps me sometimes, she was shocked.
I know my own mother had a very difficult childhood and her mom (my nani) was like this to her too. I want very desperately to have a good relationship with my mom as I will be getting married soon. Everytime I try, she pushes me away. Yet she has a very good relationship with my two brothers (i’m the only girl). I’m hurt, saddened, confused, and scared that I do not treat my own future kids like this. Am I alone? Or is this a large problem in the paki community?

–edit-- more details so its not confusing

She is not always like this. We will have a good period of time where she is just normal towards me for a week or two. And then afterwards one day i’ll come downstairs and say salaam to her and she’ll completely ignore me. I tell her that i’m trying to show her how much i love her by doing all the chores around the house so she doesn’t have to, and she says “thats what all girls are supposed to do.” My philosophy is that if there is something that needs to be done, and i do not do it, my mother will have to do the chore, so i take care of as much as possible, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc, but it feels no matter how hard i try, nothing is good enough. I know deep down she loves me. I asked her one time why she pulled my hair when i was just trying to help her and why she is doing this to me, and she said in Islam, even if a mother is wrong and mean to you, you cannot say or do anything to her or be mean. I stopped talking to her for two days because I was hurt so in retaliation, now its been like 3 weeks since she has said a word to me.

2

Re: Sometimes mean mother

Hitting another adult is a sign of lack of self control. I havent really heard about moms hitting kids past their teens and definitely not as adults.

I think your mom needs counseling. violence usually stems from a sense of being overwhelmed and not knowing how to express that. What causes her to resort to violence (e.g can you cite an example of what led to her hitting you?) and what would you prefer that she do instead?

Once you figure that out, you should talk to her about that and explain how you feel.

Zindagi Gulzar Hai
3

She does get easily overwhelmed. In fact, she just got out of the hospital from an anxiety attack because she gets so easily stressed out. She got the attack from the kitchen being messy. She is an overly clean freak.

Here is an example of an anger explosion: I was driving her to the supermarket, she wanted me to park in one spot, but i told her it would me more convenient to park in this other slot and that she should just relax. She got offended that i told her to relax, raised her hand like she was going to hit me, and got out of the car and stormed out. It took me like 15 minutes to go and find her. She wants everything her way, and if its not, she has a panic attack.

4

Re: Sometimes mean mother

Has she been medically diagnosed? She sounds like she has some underlying medical issues like bi-polar disorder or severe anxiety.

Can you talk to someone else, like your father, sibling or another family member to get her diagnosed?

If she has a medical condition, there is a lot of help out there aside from medications, going to a support group or therapy will be really good for her.

If she does raise her hand to you, grab it, pull it down and hug her really tightly and just tell her you love her..and say..just relax...just relax..take a deep breath mom..you can do it. Comfort her until she calms down.

Also look into exercise classes like yoga that can help to destress a person or some placid like flower arranging. She needs to feel like she is in charge again and a good doctor can help you more.

5

Re: Sometimes mean mother

i think she needs a psychiatrist. Sounds like a medical problem to me

6

Re: Sometimes mean mother

desi maan passand nahin ti african lah ao aisy aisy thumkhy mary g kah desi maan ki kadar aa gy g

7

Re: Sometimes mean mother

^ That's a bit harsh and well quite stupid.
She wants to improve her relationship with her mother--understandable.
Mothers are mothers, yes, but that doesnt mean they are angels or imperfect. they are humans too.

Timepass - March 2013
8

Re: Sometimes mean mother

^totally agree... the girls trying to look for genuine advice... if u cant help her then dont upset her further by treating it as a joke... respect for others is essential in life!! and a basic islamic principle

9

Re: Sometimes mean mother

that was harsh sayyma, really rude and stupid actually.most threads are yes abit funny but this thread is certainly not one of them.

manorani, i really feel you need to talk to her about seeing a doctor. she may get angry but hey shes your mother. dont retaliate. just keep her calm always, but i do think by ignoring her the situation may worsen. so take her to the doc. dont you have family as well who may have noticed this. talk to a famly member...what about your father? OR someone else like you runcle.aunty etc...are you the only child...i really think you should go toa doc..does she force you to do certain things like marriage partner...or household chores or anything. are you forced into anything. ? do you 2 live alone....

sorry too many questions but please answer them if you can.
il get back to you. but talk to someone in the family and def talk to your mother and get her seen.

if your mother is using islamic principles to her advantage, then so should you...tell her in islam hitting someone even your daughter for no reaosn is unlawful. is islam if your parents are shouting at you or being verbally aggressive, then yes its best to kp quiet, but nowhere in islam does it say that you can push verbal into phyical and be abusive that way..pulling your daughters hair is not islamic.....so please mention this calmly...

10

wow - that is just extreme. Yes definately there are issues with her that's controling her mood.

I know every girl wishes her mom to be her best friend once she grows up. It's extrememly difficult, esp, when you are trying to build a closer relationship and she pushes you out.

Don't take it personally that she is treating you differently than your brothers. You should talk to your brothers and find out how they think they feel she is different at times.

From the two or three examples of situation you gave, it seems that your mom's behavior should be consistent. Which means, EVEN your brothers may have felt that way about her, the way she responds.

So talk to your brothers. You will get a better idea that what your mom does is not just towards YOU.

As far as hitting/slapping goes, in normal situation mom's do not raise their hands at kids ater they are 9-12 years old. Beyong this age, it's just not normal.

It's good that you have raised awareness at least within yourself that your mom acts and behaves differently.

You must talk to her when she is in calm mood. Just raise the question about slapping. Ask HER why she still raises hand at you?

She needs help. You must take this seriously and work towards helping her get some professional assistance.

11

Hey Mano,

Guess what? Islam tells us to respect our parents…BUT…parents are held accountable for their actions as well. A Quran teacher once told me that Allah blesses parents who help to make it easier for their kids to respect them (through kindness and mercy).

There is even a hadith where the Prophet SAWS warned a father about treating his children unequally because it is unjust and also because he is risking his children turning against him.

My understanding and experience is that difficult mothers often have had difficult childhoods themselves. And even you have mentioned that your mom had a difficult childhood. And for some people it’s tough to separate their past from their present.

You have continued to show kindness to your mother even when she has been insensitive toward you. You are aware of your feelings of hurt and of her wrong behavior. And this awareness will inshaAllah become your STRENGTH when you become a mother in the future…as it will prevent you from making the same mistakes.

Many desi parents like to excuse and exempt themselves of accountability for their actions by saying nonsensical things like “I am your mother and regardless of how i treat you, you can’t say or do anything against based on Islam”…well, they are not intepreting or following Islamic teachings correctly. It’s arrogant for a parent to assume that Allah will not take them to account for their mistakes just because they are a mommy and daddy. That’s wrong. It’s a twisted way of thinking. And parents use this strategy to control their kids…even when the parents themselves are clearly in the wrong.

^The harm of implementing such a dysfunctional strategy is that it makes children blame themselves and this can destroy self-esteem. I have posted 2 links below regarding Islamic articles about Oppressive Parenting. I urge you to read them, so that you understand that your mom’s justification of her actions toward you has NO** validity in Islam:**

Parents Oppressing their Children: Passing the Boundaries of Islam

12

Re: Sometimes mean mother

O God!! Unbelievable how did you drag this topic out here at this forum.... about your mother .... shame on you !!...... I think you need to learn how to control urself first.

13

Also, here are some suggestions that I have.

1) Understand that your mom's behavior is a reflection of **her own **personal/emotional issues and is not a reflection of your character as her daughter.

2) Continue being kind and patient with your mom. Do not stoop to her level. Perhaps one day (inshaAllah) she might wake up and realize how she has treated you.

3) Perhaps your mom is pushing you away because you are getting married and she's afraid of losing you. So, she could be pushing you away so that she doesn't get too close to you.

4) When you and your mom are having a nice time together. Look at her, hold her hand, tell her you love her, and tell her ** "Mom, I really enjoy when you and are happy and close like we are now."** Perhaps this might motivate your mom to continue her positive behavior for more than just 1-2 weeks.

5) You are a grown woman. You are an adult. And you should do things for yourself. Often times, we have an innate inborn desire to seek our parents' approval. And unfortunately sometimes you might not get that approval. So, if you clean the house.....do it for yourself. If you cook a meal.....do it for yourself and the whole family. If you decide to get a job.......do it for yourself. If you decide to pursue a goal or dream..........do it for yourself as an ADULT WOMAN. Not every thing you do needs mommy's approval.

6) I advise you to read Dr. Laura's Bad Childhood Good Life......it deals with how to move past hurts that you have no control over.

7) This may sound harsh, but I do not intend this in a harsh manner. How old is your mom? In her 40's? In her 50's? Your mom has had 40-50 years of being the person that she is.........it's going to be tough to change her. You can't control how others act, you can only control how YOU **react to their behavior. **Healthy love **can be found from your friends, your siblings, your spouse, your children. Love doesn't come from only one source.** Love doesn't only have to come from a mother. And moms aren't perfect, they may not be able to grasp the concept of healthy love. So............if it is healthy love you want.......realize that you are not totally deprived, there are people in your life that are providing you with the nurturing affection you need. Don't become completely dependent upon ONE PERSON for your emotional needs.
**
**8) Celebrate what your mom has done for you. Celebrate 1) her giving you life. 2) Her taking care of you. 3) Happy moments you and her have shared. ** 4)** How she taught you through her OWN MISTAKES the importance of being a better parent to YOUR OWN CHILD in the future. Make your past hurts your present wisdom and future strength.

14

Re: Sometimes mean mother

i truly dislike parents who pull out the islamic card. islam has a said a thing or two to parents as well. but they are jsut more intent on focusing on what it has said to offsrpings. khair anyhow depends on your situation, are you a happy family, is their a stress problem? financial or domestic, not that it justifies the beatings but i guess you might be able to understand her better. I appreciate that you love her and want to have a more balanced relationship with her. Because mothers are well very precious even if you cant live with them and without them situation. You inshAllah will get swab for putting up with her. Although it can be extremely difficult and definitely easier said than done. But some parents are like that and there isnt much you can do with them, distance yourself if you think you absolutely cant take it anymore or if you the patience sort put up with them and see if they realize there mistakes. I guess we all our stuck with the parents that we have, not something we choose or can control.

15

so what? she is anonymous here and if she wants to discuss something why does it put a bee in your bonnet. who are you to know whether she should be ashamed or not? frankly you sound like a stiff pompous individual.

16

Re: Sometimes mean mother

Stylical,

If you read Manorani's post........you can sense her distress. And you can read the parts in her post where she expresses the **love **that she has for her mother. This is a woman who wants to find ways to bond with her mother.......she's not here for the purpose of talking smack about her.

Keep in mind that she's not revealing her real name on this forum. And most of us don't know who she is. She's a stranger. And she's posted this problem to get sincere advice regarding her problems.

Also, keep in mind that perhaps she felt hesitant talking to friends and relatives about her problem because she wanted privacy and anonymity. And also because she might have feared that involving friends and family might cause a bigger mess.

If people never talked about their problems (even if it is regarding parents).....there would be** LITTLE **educational awareness or research or statistics about the psychological impacts of emotional, verbal, physical abuse.

******For all you know, this girl could have hesitated many times before posting her problem about her mother on GS. Most people don't have an EAGER DESIRE to talk about concerns regarding their parents. And not talking about a problem doesn't make it disappear. * As Muslims we should try to help her out instead of making her feel worse.

17

Who are you - her sister? Is she bringing in shame to YOUR family? Why are you so shocked? So what if it is her mother? Why should people keep it within themselves when it comes to "family"? Why are you STOPPING her from getting help? What is wrong with YOU?

YOU are the one who NEEDS to be SLAPPED by HER mom!

GROW-UP! or keep out of this GROWN UP MATURE PEOPLE'S CHAT.

18

Re: Sometimes mean mother

^ You go Masti-girl!

Timepass - March 2013
19

To ManoRani

actually I recently lost my mother that's why I got little emotional ... I did not mean that ... I am sorry what I said.

Regards!!

20

Re: Sometimes mean mother

^tears

sorry for your loss. now it's understandable why you snapped.