To ManoRani
actually I recently lost my mother that's why I got little emotional ... I did not mean that ... I am sorry what I said.
Regards!!
I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. May Allah bless her with mercy and Jannah, Ameen. We were startled by your reaction. Had we known your situation, we'd understand your sentiments better. Thank you for the clarification.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
Awww I love my mommy.
You should speak to ur family and doctors.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
**Wildhalcyon **did make a good point about a medical evaluation. Sometimes moodiness can be caused by clinical depression, bipolar disorder, chemical balance, etc. The tough part is trying to get someone to see a doctor.....and also some individuals don't feel comfortable about being dependent upon medication to treat possible mood disorders
Manorani, do you think talking to your mom about what is bother her would help? Like trying to get her to open up? Have you talked about this issue with your dad or perhaps khala/mamoo? Maybe another elder from the family could have a stronger impact on your mom. As sumorani suggested, consider talking to family if it might help.
Salaam everyone,
Thank you so much for your sincere advice. I am really distraught about this. I sat down with her today and i just hugged her for a very, very long time and we both cried. She admitted that sometimes she just doesnt know what she wants and that she knows that I love her very much and that she loves me too, and she doesnt know why she acts like this sometimes with me. She also shared that she didn't get much love from her own mother and how life was like for her back in Pakistan. Her mom also used to raise her hand on my mother a lot.
As for the counseling, she doesn't want to do it, I honestly dont think she will agree to it. I did talk to my brothers and my dad, and they know what is going on and they try to reason with her too but at the end of the day they say "that's just how she is, just deal with her, she is too old to change."
For anyone who thinks I am doing this because i dont like her or just because i want to vent, you have never been more wrong in your life. I love my mother with all my heart and soul and I want the best for her and me. The reason why I posted on here is because no one knows who I am here and I do not want to let anyone in our community or in my family to know what is going on. Also, I am concerned for others that might be facing similar problems because child abuse is something that is common in our country. The only person other than my dad and brothers to know this is my best friend, and she knows because i was crying and she asked what is wrong.
I don't blame my mother, I actually dont blame anyone. But I urge others who might be facing this to realize that this is not their fault. I thought this was my fault for the longest time, until now in my early 20's. Just now did i realize that i have an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my own mother. it is a painful reality but I am going to try everyday to make this work because I love her, and jannah is under her feet.
Thank you again everyone for all your advice, treasure your parents, and please make dua for us.
Salaam everyone,
Thank you so much for your sincere advice. I am really distraught about this. I sat down with her today and i just hugged her for a very, very long time and we both cried. She admitted that sometimes she just doesnt know what she wants and that she knows that I love her very much and that she loves me too, and she doesnt know why she acts like this sometimes with me. She also shared that she didn't get much love from her own mother and how life was like for her back in Pakistan. Her mom also used to raise her hand on my mother a lot. As for the counseling, she doesn't want to do it, I honestly dont think she will agree to it. I did talk to my brothers and my dad, and they know what is going on and they try to reason with her too but at the end of the day they say "that's just how she is, just deal with her, she is too old to change." For anyone who thinks I am doing this because i dont like her or just because i want to vent, you have never been more wrong in your life. I love my mother with all my heart and soul and I want the best for her and me. The reason why I posted on here is because no one knows who I am here and I do not want to let anyone in our community or in my family to know what is going on. Also, I am concerned for others that might be facing similar problems because child abuse is something that is common in our country. The only person other than my dad and brothers to know this is my best friend, and she knows because i was crying and she asked what is wrong. I don't blame my mother, I actually dont blame anyone. But I urge others who might be facing this to realize that this is not their fault. I thought this was my fault for the longest time, until now in my early 20's. Just now did i realize that i have an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with my own mother. it is a painful reality but I am going to try everyday to make this work because I love her, and jannah is under her feet.
Thank you again everyone for all your advice, treasure your parents, and please make dua for us.
Mano sweetheart, no one is doubting your love, in fact you proved that you love her more than anything by trying to reach out for advice. If you didnt love her, you could have left the home ages ago. The fact that you choose to stick around want her as part of your life shows the immense amount of love you have for your mother.
It is natural to wonder why a parent reacts differently from the perceived impression of a good parent and you have done nothing wrong by posting here.
It is wonderful to hear that you have finally had the courage to talk to your mom and I would suggest using this method to get closer to her. The fact that she is opening up to you and talking means that she is already in counseling and you are the counselor. Keep talking and bringing up things. Constant talks will really help her come to terms with her own personal issues hopefully.
For example, ask her what she feels that HER mom should have done with her..e.g the way she should have treated her. Getting her to talk about those voids in her own childhood may help her realize the issues in your life between the two of you. And dont be afraid to talk about your feelings to your mom as well. Tell her the way you want her to behave with you and what alternatives she has available if she is angry with you (instead of hitting etc..)
Again, it is hard to advise with minimal background information but perhaps you two could try to do things together that are destressing. This will give her the relaxation she needs and also help you bond with her more.
Keep it up and my prayers and best wishes are with you. And if you ever want to talk in private..pm me and I will give you my email and tel. no.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
^ I'm glad that you and your mother had a heart to heart talk about this issue. And it's good that she seems to be aware of her behavior. And I hope that this discussion will motivate her to make some positive changes in herself soon. I also think it's great that your father is aware of this problem. And I think you should try to get your father to talk to your mom. He should tell your mom that you will be getting married soon and leaving your house and that she should make the effort to bond with you during this brief time that you're still living in your parents' home....because after marriage....you wont be seeing your mom every day. If your dad tells her this....hopefully she'll realize things.
I hope that things get better for you, Mano.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
I think she takes this behaviour out on you and not your brothers because she knows that no matter how much she pushes you, you are not going to start being detached from her. She may think your brothers will be quicker to back away. In some twisted way, it re-assures her that you are there for her when she lashes out because you still treat her well.
It's extremely difficult to ask a parent to exercise self-control and restraint, and your mother will be less likely to remember control herself in heat of the moment.
However, I want you to tell your mother to calm down next time she flares up. It may shock her into checking herself and the realising effect it is having on you.
You said you are soon to be married, you may find that your relationship with your mother improves after your marriage because you won't be living with her all the time.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
**awwwww ... **i know you love your mother & the reason you posted because your hurt since you love your mother so much ... & your confused as to why she treats you like this...
you know me & my mom are really cool with eachother but sometimes she might say something MEAN then we'll argue & we'll just won't talk to each other for days...
i've started to do this for quite a while now then my dad told me that in islam if you raise your voice to your parents let alone gaze at them in a wrong way ALLAH is very displeased with you...
i pray 5 times (mashallah) so my dad says it doesn't matter how much you pray because ALLAH will not accept it since ALLAH happiness is in parents happiness ...
so everytime my mom says something out of the oridnary i just say ALLAH name & calm myself down, because i do also love my mother so much! she's the best thing ever ...
but if your mom hits you over small things then thats abuse... & its good you talked to your mom about this because her childhood might have something to do with how she is now...so try to be more understanding...
may ALLAH help you...inshallah ...
Hey everyone,
I love my mother with all of my heart. Sometimes she is really mean to me. She loses her temper very easily, blames me for a lot of problems, etc. She also hits me, not as much as she did when i was younger, but even now in my early 20's it does happen once in a while. I used to think that every desi kid had mothers like mine, but now as i look around me at my friends mothers, i see that they are not like this at all. When i confided in my best friend that my mother still slaps me sometimes, she was shocked. I know my own mother had a very difficult childhood and her mom (my nani) was like this to her too. I want very desperately to have a good relationship with my mom as I will be getting married soon. Everytime I try, she pushes me away. Yet she has a very good relationship with my two brothers (i'm the only girl). I'm hurt, saddened, confused, and scared that I do not treat my own future kids like this. Am I alone? Or is this a large problem in the paki community?
--edit-- more details so its not confusing
She is not always like this. We will have a good period of time where she is just normal towards me for a week or two. And then afterwards one day i'll come downstairs and say salaam to her and she'll completely ignore me. I tell her that i'm trying to show her how much i love her by doing all the chores around the house so she doesn't have to, and she says "thats what all girls are supposed to do." My philosophy is that if there is something that needs to be done, and i do not do it, my mother will have to do the chore, so i take care of as much as possible, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc, but it feels no matter how hard i try, nothing is good enough. I know deep down she loves me. I asked her one time why she pulled my hair when i was just trying to help her and why she is doing this to me, and she said in Islam, even if a mother is wrong and mean to you, you cannot say or do anything to her or be mean. I stopped talking to her for two days because I was hurt so in retaliation, now its been like 3 weeks since she has said a word to me.
Reminds me of my mother..........I even tried going on hunger strike.......but that didnt soften her.
Some mothers are like that......can't be helped.I suggest that you try to getting support from rest of the family.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
i can imagine your situation. you trying to reach out to her proves that you will be different to your children. i think your mum is depressed. some times we do not admit or realize. she shd consult a doctor and try antidepressents. it can work miracles.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
If her behaviour has worsened from before, could if be down to the menopause?
Mano I have read your posts and what other posted too. I must say the people on this thread have given you very sincere advices and suggestions which is highly appreciable.
I am not left with anything much to say since ppl have already said a lot. But just be patient with her and if possible do consult some doctor. Most of the times such cases are because of some hidden health issues. The symptoms of the disease may not be very prominent, clear and visible but inside the body there would be something that’s causing these moods ups n downs e.g. over production of thyroid hormones known as hyperthyroidism. The patient may experience unusual nervousness, restlessness, anxiety and irritability. So there are other hormones as well which over or under production cause mood swings. I am just giving you an example, I am not a doctor. All what I want to say is to discuss it with a good doctor and look into its medical side as well. May be you can consult someone online as a start.
One of my friends was facing sort of same problem few years back. Her fiery temperament started to become an issue for her and affected her marital life badly. She decided to consult a doctor coz she herself knew that it was not normal. The doctor prescribed her some medication, which really helped her. She is Alhamdulillah fine now.
One more thing, from Islamic point of view, tell her to read Aaooz billah e Minashetan Irrajeem whenever she feels angry. Tell her to say it all the times if possible. It really cools down a person (my personal exp). Also the below hadeeth:
The Prophet (PBUH), said, ‘If a man gets angry while he is standing up, he should sit until he regains composure. Otherwise, he should lie down.’ “
This sitting down, standing up or lying down (change of position) in above hadeeth also has medical aspect which I cannot explain here right now but if you want I will surely explain for you
So try above with her and InshAllah she will be fine.
Btw you really made me emotional at some points…… :(…
Also don’t think ever or feel that it’s only your mother who pulls your hair (what do you think why I have so less hair on my head?) or she hits you with hand or chappal…… you will find such chappal prints on everyone’s back. In my case I have had these chappalee kababs even in my early 20s and mid 20s and… :-X .........
hey why these FONT VERDANA etc comes in my post ???????? It makes the whole post look so bad.... and messed up :'(
Re: Sometimes mean mother
^ it happens when you write something in word and C&P it ovr here...
^ it happens when you write something in word and C&P it ovr here...
ooo lala... thanks .. I see those are gone now :)
Mano, I actually had some somewhat similar problems with my mom while growing up. Like you, I didn't realize that it wasn't normal; I thought all mothers were hot and cold, up and down, occasionally abusive, extremely sensitive, etc. It wasn't until I left home for college and gained wider exposure that I really realized what I had been through growing up.
In my mom's case, her behavior was due to multiple psychiatric problems, one of which everyone suspected and just accepted her whole life (depression), while the others (OCD and bi-polar disorder) weren't diagnosed until about five years ago.
So I don't know how much help I can be, but from my experience, my relationship with my mother changed dramatically once I left the house and had my own life. I think that first of all, she no longer perceived me as the convenient 'punching bag'---always there to take things out on when she was frustrated. I think on some level she also felt very rewarded by seeing me develop into my own person, getting an education, experiencing the world, etc., and this changed how she related to me. My hope is that when you marry and begin establishing your own family your mother will also demonstrate some of this.
For a period while I was in college my mother also finally got help--therapy and went on Prozac--and became a completely different person for about five years. Energetic, happy about life, eager to try new things and meet people, etc. Unfortunately she has seriously deteriorated over the last 5-7 years.
So on the one hand, her getting better for awhile helped us do some things together, like traveling, that brought us closer. Now that she's 'sick' again, I just try to accept that we'll never have the ideal mother-daughter relationship, and to enjoy what good times we do have together. I am very independent and good at making my own decisions, so I guess that helps me cope with not having a strong mother figure to go to.
As for kids and passing on these bad relationships, although I don't yet have kids, my philosophy is that as long as you remain aware and self-reflective, able to self-criticize, you will do a good job. Also recognize that you can look to other role models in your parenting. I was very lucky that my best friend from childhood had a really strong, loving, calm, healthy family. Spending time with them gave me so many ideas for how I want to do better by my own children. One of my sisters has kids and lives close to our parents. She is a wonderful mom and I don't see her replicating any of my mom's destructive behaviors. And she is vigilant when my mom visits the grandkids, that if she says anything around them that could be hurtful (although my mom is a loving grandmother, sometimes some of the old patterns come out in the way she talks to and about my sisters two daughters), she calmly but firmly redirects the conversation.
Please feel free to send me a PM any time if you think that knowing more about my experience might help you.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
^ You're so strong! I am amazed by girls who have had such experiences with their moms yet still find a way to pick themselves up and be so strong! For me, my mom is my rock and I don't know where I would be if I didn't have such a close relationship with her.
Re: Sometimes mean mother
ManoRani ((hugs)) your true and genuine love for your Mother has brought tears to my eyes. I hope things will get better in your situation. You have my regards and prayers.