... somethings made me wonder

Lifestyle Relationships
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We went for a family trip outside the city last week. We were invited by one of our distant relatives there. I met this young woman, say in early thirties, married to a guy who was in his late 40s i presume. There were lots of kiddies at home - of all ages 2,4,12,16,22 and the sorts.

Later, my mother told me the story of the household. The guy in 40s was married to a woman earlier who left 4 kids and went abroad due to a very very serious issue on both ends. She never came back but kept her contact with her children some times specially their eldest daughter who is 22. The guy got married again and his second wife died. Later, his family got him married to a cousin of his (who was this woman i met). She was so in charge of the house., running here & there. She now has 2 kids of her own the youngest two that is. But she was soo loving & caring to the other 4 kids. The eldest daughter got married 2 years ago and this woman was feeding her child, caring for him while the daughter was sleeping. She made sure all the 6 kids got food, changed their clothes once they came back from the schools, attended to the elders of the family even those who had horrible tempers & what not.

The sisters of the guy told my mum how caring she was, how she took full control of the house that was breaking, how every one now calls her mama & nani, how the eldest daughter’s kid only goes to nani and no one else… and they said this is all because she is very close to God and follows her deen strictly because she feels its her religion that teaches her not to keep any difference & she never wants to do injustice with any of the kids.

All this made me wonder how great the woman was… how easily she couldve just attended to her own 2 kids but she crossed all boundaries and made sure she was liked by all and cared for kids who were almost her own age.

**Is it really that those who are that close to religion follow the right path and are so convinced in following it? Is it really that people who have strong faith on God are able to do all the right things the right way with such perfection? **

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

I wouldn't say people who are close to religion but people who have true faith....

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

I wish i could have this strong a faith as well.

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Daffy Duck, The Woman have strong commitments to make Allah happy, hence everyone around her is happy and she is respected and loved by most of the people around her... that is what strong faith and believe in Allah and in His commands brings to your life, inner calm and when one is calm from inside, (s)he is on her best behavior and then there are people who do not think anyone but their spouse is their duty thus, bringing unrest to the family and in their own life...

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

How can we bring that calm in our lives or that strong a faith? I seriously crave for it and how people have this utmost trust is amazing!

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

the level of Calmness in our lives depend the calmness we have deep inside us, which is strongly disturbed by insecurities like, and to kill all the insecurities there is faith in the Allah,

There are few Ayas in Quran ( hope it don't make people start shooting at me) which are as follows:

Allah Says in Quran:

[QUOTE]
[size=2]Allah tasketh not a soul beyond its scope. For it (is only) that which it hath earned, and against it (only) that which it hath deserved. Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget, or miss the mark! Our Lord! Lay not on us such a burden as thou didst lay on those before us! Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear! Pardon us, absolve us and have mercy on us, Thou, our Protector, and give us victory over the disbelieving folk. (286) [/size]
[/QUOTE]

This says, no matter what, Allah The Great Creator of the Universe, does not empower you with more than you can handle, so whatever hurdles comes your way are according to your potential and so instead of getting worried by them, try to overcome them. It may be an test and if you pass it, you'll be upgraded both in this and other world.

I think above should be more than enough, just think it this way, if your father, who happens to the be DSP of City you live in, can anyone dare to do anything bad to you? answer is no and you knowing it would have no worries same applies here and my personal believe is that If All the powers in the universe is set against me, they won't be able to harm me because the Laws of Allah clearly says that nothing which is not bearable by me can be given to me...

This is for starters, start building the believe around it.. things will change accordingly, you would get a strange kind of attraction you, people will start liking you...

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

one has to make his/her place in the family esp women

dont know how much of a religious factor this is

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Is it bad that I think our culture just extols these sorts of giving, self-sacrificing, and obedient traits as "virtues" out of selfishness? Is it really a good thing? Or is she letting herself be taken advantage of?

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

ask her if she is being taken advantage of or she is doing it by her choice. who are you to decide on her behalf?

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Yes.

*Good faith brings good thoughts. Good results. *

Without religion it is possible too. But here someone shows that people who are religious or close to religion are not behind when it comes to humanity, morals and ethics.

(In fact religious people really taught morals and other qualities to humankind)

Nice to see a refreshing and positive thread in Life1.

Bravo! :)

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Only that woman can tell herself if she is being taken advantage of. But some people are more giving then others, and that doesn't necessarily mean they are being taken for a ride.

However, I agree with the point that our culture tends to glorify the women who always give, give and ask nothing in return. I somewhat agree with Brecht who said that you need heroes only in a society where someone else is not doing their job right. Similarly, if in a family everyone is doing their part, then one person (usually in our culture that person is the mother/wife) doesn't have to go out of the way to do everything.

Now I think we are at the other extreme, where being selfless or caring is perceived as a negative thing. And people say that you are letting yourself treated like a doormat.:-)

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Because it's this kind of behavior that leads to the martyr mentality in women, and also all the MIL DIL issues that we hear about. They sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and talk and talk and talk about how much they've sacrificed, so that in the future someone will show their appreciation and return their kindness. But if it doesn't happen that way, there is resentment and anger over a life spent pleasing others without regard to self-fulfillment.

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

And what about the "give a man a fish, feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime" approach? Is this woman really helping her step-daughter by taking care of her children for her (assuming it's not just a break)?

Please don't take my post to mean that I am not impressed by the woman. I do not doubt her motives at all. She is clearly very kind, gracious and generous. But I just wonder if she should also value other characteristics in women.

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Sahar: I have met this woman earlier as well & she is always this happy-go-lucky sort every time. I dont think she does anything out of burden, she does it out of will and thats what the guy's sisters were saying too. If the nunds are praising the bhabi so much, there has got to be some thing good. But yeah you are right. This behaviour, although out of will, may lead to a life time of pleasing others or maybe it is self fulfiment for her. No matter what it is, it impresses me so much how women have this big heart of going through these things whether out of will or not.

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

I admire a woman who can give so much to everyone around her.

But at the same time, Sahar does have a point.

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Re: ... somethings made me wonder

Well it seems to clear to me that this woman is doing more than trying to be the perfect bahu, and that's great. She's not doing it just to please others. And maybe she doesn't see it as sacrifice.

But I do think this is something we need to keep in mind. Too much of the rhetoric around the perfect desi woman has to do with sacrifice, hardwork, and docile behavior. And I guess the question is whether these are really the traits we want Pakistani women to strive to embody.