some advice please-feeling lost :(

Lifestyle Relationships
121

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

U have discovered that this guy is too immature for marrigae, and quite frankly he is not very good marrigae material. He is saying that he let he go because he loves you and feels guilty - I interpret this too mean that he knows onto a good thing with u but want to keep his options open in case something better comes along and then he won't give a damn about u; but in case he doesn't find anyone he knows he's got you on the sideline. You are better than to sit on the sidelines for him, so don't. He is selfish and putting himself before you. If you truly care for someone, they should always come first.

*p.p.s. Im sitting in the library and he walked him...my heart still skips a beat everytime i see him.... - *could just be indegestion or heartburn, lol

122

Well-done Alevna. Thats a brave step you took. Pat on the back.

Atleast now your sure what he is really thinking and wants.

What he says about he loves you but cant commit to you is frankly so much bul.sh.t.

basically in other words hes saying that:

he doesnt want commitment, but as hes still attracted to you he stills wants to play with you, and hopes you will co-operate!!

And I also belive he is very badnaseeb for not being able to notice such a good girl.

Alvena this boy is extremly immature. If he doesnt want to commit but still be physcial and lovey-dovey with you what does it mean apart from than he sees you as nothing but a toy.

have some self-respect man. I mean I know gori girls are loose but a muslim guy should atleast respect a fellow muslims girls dignity. I mean how would he like it if some guy was acting with his sister the ways hes acting with you.

But I know Alvena you feel somewhat attached.
It will probably hurt at the start distancing yourself from him. But as others said this is the probably the logical thing to do. Time is the healer.

You have no security in this relationship.

But I dont know, being a medical student, he has got intelligence; maybe if someone else sat him down and had a good chat about life and explained to him how you are a good girl who he really should not let go and worth making a commitment to right now, it could knock some sense in him.
This person should also make him realise that there no such a 'burden' taking you on, since you dont seem to be placing any financial or class issues on him.
I mean you could just get Nikahfied and carry on studying as normal, at the same time being cosy as u want.
Sometimes we dont know what is good for our ownself and need another wiser person to make us aware.

Maybe he likewise needs someone to make him aware of the facts of what hes missing.

But, from his current behaviour, Alvena i advise, If you want a secure and long-term relatinship, I dont think this is the one.
Its up to you if you want to wait around until he gets 'mature' or 'ready' for a real commitment. But I also advise you to not ignore the possibility in that waiting time he finds another girl and then looking at how selfish, waves goodbye to you and acts like he never knew you.

So keep in mind or be prepared for this. and Hes already proofed himself how he feels for other girls.

Another advice, DONT GET IN A SECLUDED PLACE WIT HIM. He will defintly try to take advanatge of it. And in privacy between a boy and girl, the third is shaytaan, so be aware of this.

and pray to allah aswell. Read Salat it will give u clarity and peace.

Goodluck

123

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

There is no way im waiting around for him. I deserve better, i sacrificed alot for him and took alot of ****, yes i love him but it doesnt mean i cant love someone else who i dont have to take so much crap from.

btw amir thanks for ure time and posts! everyone else too.

Maybe if its meant to be then we will be together in the future once he is matured, its more likely me or my parents will find someone else though (inshallah)

I have been remaining polite and cordial, but not really saying hello bye properly but i will start doing that because it makes me the better person, its the only change i will make to my recent behaviour.

In terms of someone sitting down and talking to him, welll someone his age did and told him you know what you will regret letting her go because she is good for you....he ignored this.

He made a new group of friends...all 2-4 years okder than him, one is even married (although a rubbish idiot of a husband) and they are the ones that encouraged him to leave me...to live his life and be young and free....it will bring him joy and happiness...yeah right....all 3 of these boys are desperate for stability they dont seem too happy to me! But he followed their advice....when they sit together all they talk about is this girl and that girl......even the married one!

These guys are friends with me too. One of them came to console me afterwards....he put his arm around my shoulder and asked me to come to his room...i did not go, but i feel he was trying to take advantage of me. Also the married guy said he wants me to his 2nd wife...righttt. The 3rd guy was always saying how he is jealous of mine and X's relationship.....so why did they all advise him to let me go!

These 3 guys are now all taking my side...they havnt even spoken to X in the past 2 weeks :S

something fishy?

124

Alvena,

Have you ever seen on TV dramas how a girl is feeling "vulnerable" after breaking up with her boyfriend..........and OTHER GUYS take advantage of her "vulnerable and fragile state" by acting like a "supportive friend" only to get sex from her???????????

Or you might even seen in Pakistani dramas how a young widow is harassed by the unwanted attention of men who are taking advantage of the fact that her husband is gone.

Does the story line sound familiar? Well, often times these dramas are based on real-life accounts and human nature. So, please trust your intuition and gut feeling about these guys. You are right, something fishy is going on and it's best if you just stay away from them.

You say that his friends are also "friends" with you. Well, if they sincerely cared about you...they would never have tried to brainwash him against you in the first place. And these guys are not being sincere with him either. If these guys cared about your ex......they would never be hitting on his ex girlfriend.

You were right in not going in his friend's bedroom. NEVER go with any of his friends into any bedroom or other room for that matter. His friend could try to take advantage of you.............and even if nothing happens........he could spread rumors about you saying that "Oh Alvena and I were in the bedroom together." And you know how gossip spreads. Stay away from these low lives, hon. They're animals who think only with the head between their legs.

125

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Alvena I totally agree with RedVelvet.

Infact I urge you to read her post through carefully again.

Being a guy i double agree with her,i could not have put it better myself.

You know its a common physcology when one person is making some heated or emotional, that perons is switched with another one to provide that 'urgently needed support', and the one who provides it looks like a 'hero' to the already emotion stricken person.

You know Alvena im sorry to say but what kind of friend have you got?To be honest now that you told us how your ex is hanging round with such men, and one married too, and what they talk about, makes it plain how sick they all are, none of them have any value for you or even thier own wives-

and dont mind but are u also stupid or what?

when you already know what guy is like, and then that guy comes and puts his arm around u and asks you to go to his bedrom, what do you think that guy is shareef?

I cannot belive these immature men are medical students, Alvena im also from england, I dont know which Uni the hell you study girl---

I know it doesnt look good, but the only reaosn im getitng worked up so much - is because I cant stand men who lie, use and mess uplives of decent girls.

Aleva- have you seen the film 'garam-masala'

-did you see how aksay kumar was messing around with 3 girls---and when those girls unconvered his truth and were hurt---how easily they felt inclined to fall for the seemigly soft pillow 'john abrahma' was providing. But we still knew John was no less twisted and also just wanted the same thing.

Liek RV said a peron is very vulnerbale at such a state. And these basterd guys sure kow hw to tke advnatge.

Alevan, i suggest you reassess the company of friends you have.

Dont fall prey to any of these guys.

Use some bloody sense for Gods sake. Do you like guys touching you?

I dnt know how broadminded you are. But the thing is whether muslim or not muslims pakistani or not pakistani, girls are the ones who ultimatly bear the burden of unhalal interactions with the men, so they should look out for themslves more.

Those guys know it is wrong to try other girls, but since they have nothing to loose in society they have no inclination to restrain themselves.

You a girl, you have IZZAT, for Gods sake, learn that.

and sorry if i cme acoss bit harsh, but your doing well, im pleased how u r doing the right thing by distancing and learning you r much better than him.

This guys nothing but a greedy, penniless, desperate boy who can use anyone and anybody in anyway to his own advantage.

Alvena, being a girl, i know that these guys regularly group and talk about you.
I can almost swear that if you ever heard what kind of things they talk about you will never want to be near a guy again.

But i dont know Alevna, i hope by your dressing or behaviour you also dont provide them some sort of encouragment.

Whole situation is so bloody sick

how can u tolerate random guys touching you like that.

126

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

salam alaykum,

amir_pindi bhai,if theres a girl who is a lil cute, does hijab n wears modest clothing,and who maintains a strict attitude while interacting with the opposite sex,will the guys still talk "bad" or "dirty" about her and discuss her with one another???

What' ll u throw on the person above u
127

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

walaykum.

well, if shes displaying/giving them less to talk about, then its likely guys will talk less.
Hijab is not only from your dress but also your intentions.
A girl may not wear ubaya or scarf but she may still have the 'intent' and always be aware when men are around here on how to speak to and interact with them.
Then again a girl may adopt outer hijab but not properly conform to the hijab of the heart and tongue, she still maybe open and unnceseserily interacative with the opposite sex.

The Outer Hijab is just one part of the hijab. Its purpose is to conceal the outer beauty that is normally the basis of attraction.

Im not discrediting any kind of girl. I just said something to Alevna that I found relevant in her situation.

128

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

True say bro!!(i just found the point where u said guys discuss girls they are "friends" with in a "bad" way" scary..thats all) thanks!!!!

129

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :frowning:

Alvena: I’m glad with the way your going about all this, it must be soo much harder for you as you have to SEE him all the time. If you want to do good to yourself, KEEP IT UP! After reading your recent updates, all I can say is the guy is a complete jerk and you should be glad your not with him anymore. Seriously, I was disgusted at the bit where he wants you to wait around for him whilst his off “enjoying his young life”.. loser.

Please stay away, far far away, from his pathetic friends. No need to let them put their arms around you or any kind of “sympathy”.

I’m glad your parents are involved, but more then anything, all I want to say is just stay firm in your decision :hugz:

130

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Thanks chipkali and others!

Ok his friends are idiots i realise that now. I do not go around dressed in low cut tops and short skirts im ure average pakistani girl. I did spend time with them just chilling but thats it. And no i dont like boys touching me and i get that they are trying to take advantage of me.

Im trying to keep things as they are. Today X asked me 'why are u angry, why arent u talking to me, whats wrong?' all i said is look im fine being normal just getting along with things and life.

He said ok yeah whatever, come and chill with me and Jack and Jill( mutual friends) i said no thanks im ok, he was like please please as i was walking away and as i walked nearly out of ear shot he said.....'i need you' ( im not joking)

what the **** does he want man?

Also he has had a disagreement with Jack and Jill, from my window i can see everything, so i was sitting on my desk looking outside into the courtyard where they were sitting and they were talking....suddenly he gets up and looks really really angry and upset and walks into his block of flats. This is very very very weird..apart from me he didnt argue with anyone and is generally easy going and chilled out.....he phoned me but i didnt pick up. IN my head i though no i cant be there and pick up the pieces. Now im worried though .....:(

131

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

^ Alvena, right now i think it's best if you act POLITE but maintain a distance. Getting too involved with X might make it harder for you to move on. It could hold you back.

Okay, let's assume that an argument took place between him and Jack and Jill. You were not there to hear the argument. You said that in your head you tell yourself "I can't be there to pick up the pieces." To me, this implies that you are usually the one to pick up the pieces. A little bit of independence will be healthy for him and you. He's a big boy, let him sort out his battles on his own from time to time. He might even be surprised at his own abilities to resolve issues. Even parents prefer not to always be there to "pick up the pieces" otherwise children don't learn individual responsibility.

Besides, Jack and Jill are YOUR mutual friends as well. The last thing you would want is for them to think that you've turned against them to support him. The argument was between them three, let him sort it out on his own. My concern is that in the process of helping him, you might become attached again, he might mislead you, and the cycle will repeat especially when things are still a bit raw.

132

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Alvena,

I look in on this thread from time to time to see how you're doing, but haven't posted in it.

You need to stop thinking about this...remove yourself from the situation as much as you can, bury yourself in your studies, spend more time with your true friends and stay away from this guy and his loser friends who are clearly trying to take advantage of you.

You're in medical school honey. That means you're fracking brilliant b/c dummies don't get admissions into such a program. But if you keep worrying about what he's doing, what he's not doing, what his friends are doing, etc., it's going to creep into your being (like it's doing now) and your grades in school will suffer, as will other aspects of your life.

Don't let that happen. Don't let these losers ruin what you've worked so hard to achieve.

Stay away from him. Stay away from his friends. Everything you've said about them is sending up a red flag. You sound like too nice of a girl to ignore ANYONE, so I'm not suggesting you never speak to them again. But beyond the occasional "valaikum salaam" you must say out of civility, don't seek them out. Don't engage in a conversation. And if any of those b******* have the nerve to "invite you to their rooms," you tell them to stay away before you file a harassment complaint against them.

Sorry if I sound half-demented. I just hate it when people mess around with other people like this, especially when those "other" people are as nice as you are.

Good luck.

133

Alvena, I totally agree and double ditto both the above posters advice.

These people know you are a soft heart and are trying thier utter best to take advantage of it.

The part where X said 'he needs you', makes it clear. Alevna, remember this guy only almost yesterdat made it clear he does not and is not going to get into a halal commitment, then what does this 'I need you', exactly mean?

It means he needs a girl-toy to excercise his emotional and physical attraction, thats what it means.

Alvena, from what im seeing, this guy has got extremly curious towards your distancing gestures, which has made him desperate.

It is well possible out of his desperation he and his friends actually planned that 'argument' scenario when they knew you could have been watching or another somebody could have got you in on the gossip.
His intent could have been to show and impress you that he is distancing from the company of his immmature friends you dislike.

Dont fall for it. I can understand you still have some emotional attachments left. But Alvena whenever you feel such inclinements, always recall in your head how he declined your 'commitment offer' that day, which clearly showed he does not want a halal relatinship, which proved he has no respect for you.

So you should continue to control your felings and maintain due distance from him.

And I think from now on you should also start showing some assertive and aggresive behaviour if relevant. You are always passive and polite to him and others, which is giving him them the encouragment to make improper advances.

And I understand you are a nice one to all Alvena, but you should really re-assess the kind of people you keep company with.

Although I did not think that earlier either, Its good to hear you are not an exhibitionist.
And im not saying you do Alvena, but girls should also refrain from dressing in clothes that clearly reveal thier shape.
I do not want to say this, but something that girls commonly miss is that, they naturally have bigger behinds, and jeans that go tight round this area do not help at all and are a major feature of attraction.

But Alvena, when you have to be in the company of unideal people/guys then always maintain an assertive and uninviting tone, so they do not get encouragment.

and certainly dont 'chill' with them.

I can understand girls less differetiate between girls and guys and likewise innocently do not refrain from mixing with either sex.

But the truth is, males are created somwhat different where they have the vulnerability to attraction.
Girls must understand and be aware of this.

It is only for this reason our deen disencourgages free mixing of girls and boys.

Many people shun Islam for this apparent 'narrowmindedness', but when cases like these eventually emerge, is when people realise Islam was right.

Though, good-going Alvena - You have achieved a lot in the last few days - proud of you.

134

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

hi everyone thanks for your posts, im taking it all in.

I know i keep going on about this but i still feel a stong attraction/attachment/love/care towards him.

I am going to carry on the way ii am, but im still not completely settled in my head either.

He is still questioning me about my life...where im going, who with, why im going etc etc.

Yesterday i overheard him talking to someone in the common room. There is no way at all he could have known i was there......

He was talking to one his immature friends. He was saying, he needs to concentrate on his life and his youth and he needs to find himself, thats why he ended things with me. He feels like he is falling in love with me again and is fnding it difficult to let me go, but he wont tell me any of this incase i find someone better, and he will wait and see what happpens.

I am not going to sit around waiting for him...no way.

But hearing this emotionally pulls me back a step, makes me feel out of control!

I wish i could just let him go :(

135

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

[QUOTE]
he needs to concentrate on his life and his youth and he needs to find himself, thats why he ended things with me. He feels like he is falling in love with me again and is fnding it difficult to let me go, but he wont tell me any of this incase i find someone better, and he will wait and see what happpens.
[/QUOTE]

He "loves" you eh? But not enough to do the mature thing and let you go because you might find someone better. So basically, he wants to keep you dangling just in case. You're his backup plan.

I'm glad you're not going to wait on him. I'm sorry, I know you care about him, but he's an utter jerk with no regard to anyone's feelings but his own. This overheard conversation completely proves that.

Stay away from him. It's going to take work to let things go, but stay away. Everytime you feel like you're getting sucked back, take a breath, read a dua, walk the other way, start singing, count backwards, I don't care. Do something. Get away. He's bad news

You can do this. You just have to make a conscious effort.

136

Alvena

OK best to best. Alvena this guy does not love you!

If you loved some one, you would want the best for them, you would respect thier respect, you would not be making unlawful physical advances on them!

If I truly Loved a girl. Yes I would like to be close and touch her, BUT in a halal way.

Othwerise its not my love its just my SELFISH ATTRACTION.

If he truly loved you...he would do Nikah/

But does he no.

The more I read about this loser guy the more I wish I could smash his brain and other areas.

Why do you feel sorry for him? Alvena plsss dont mistake his feelings for you as love, its not love but his SELFISHNESS.

He only feels inclined towards you because of his own interests, he feels attrcation towards you and jsut wanst to excercise it, thats all he need.

And if anyhow he got that one ay--he wont need you after that--hell be satisficed.

Ut will be girl X,Y,Z then on.

I think this dude needs to get his balls removed.

Alvena do one straightforward thing:

Next time dude X makes an over-friendly gesture. Tell Him

'If you dont want to marry me you are disrespecting me by making this/such kind of gesture'

If he still advances or tries touching you.

SLAP him across the face....Thats what a respected girl would do.

Goodluck.Try to pray if u can. Even one a day is beter than none.

137

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

the messages arent mixed really

he is saying he likes u to spare ur feelings. He doesnt. If he was a proper best friend he wouldnt "turn" on you in your hour of need.

Take the summer (And if you arent granted the luxury of summer hols) - then the time off that you do hav to distance yourself.

you are worth more than halfbaked bakwas excuses from someone who doesnt REALLY know how to be a friend when the chips are down.

138

Hi Alvena,

Ever heard of the saying "That you don't miss something until you lose it" ???
And it's good to realize the worth of what you had. BUT isn't it more important to show someone you love them when they are in front of you.........as opposed to when they're gone?

You're starting to melt, I know. But think for a second. Why didn't this guy love you when you were with him? Why does he suddenly develop feelings of "love" only when you're not paying attention to him? It is because he only loves the "chase" ? Shouldn't you be loved and appreciated when you're around him and with him?

How many times will you have to "maintain a distance" for him to realize that he "loves" you? Know what I mean? Let's say that you and him decide to get back together again. What if he gets bored again and calls it quits AGAIN. And then you start to stay away from.........and then falls in love with you again. How many times will you have to play this game? You mentioned he's disappeared on you TWICE. Do you ONLY want to be loved when you're not in his life? Or do you ALSO want to be loved when you're with him standing in front of him?

If Allah has destined this guy to be in your future..............it will happen. But for right now, focus on yourself and let him grow up as well. This guy said that "he wants to find himself." Well.......you can't have a stable relationship with someone who hasn't found themselves and who isn't sure of what he wants. So, maintain a distance hon. I know it hurts. But in the future if he really truly loves you.............he will KNOW what he needs to do (propose to you/your parents respectfully). And if it's not him.......it will be someone even better. For right now....YOU are your number one priority so focus on YOU! Pray to Allah and inshaAllah things will fall into place.

139

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

hey everyone, thankyou so so so much for all your great advice, i totally get what you guys are saying and its keeping me strong. When i feel im swaying i come on here. This forum has really really helped me cope and do the right thing!

So two things i wanted to discuss and get some advice on.

First- we share the same building, course, friends, and clinical group. I see him ALLLL the time. I distance myself as much as possible likw we dont chill anymore but in group things and at uni we are together......so today....in the evening im sitting the common room waiting for a group of friends to come.

He comes along, sits on the same sofa as me and we have a polite salam dua. I then asked him to move to the other sofa, and he was like 'what so now you hate me so much you cant even be on the same sofa as me'....i just ignored this. Then group of friends come along and we order food all is fine....then some of the boys had an eating contest amd i was like ummm X i think you lose and he was said...infront of everyone ' well you hate me now anyway'....

What should i do when he says things like this????

i forgot what the second thing was.....

140

Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

it means he's too immature to control his outbursts in public. He reminds me of a spoilt child spitting his dummy out of his pram.

He's throwing such 'tantrums' as a resort to get u to give him attention. Don't give in. When he acts like that just be polite, dont stoop to his level and most definatly dont console him. He needs to learn that whatever type of emotion he plays whether it is being needy/romantic/ moody he's not going to get you back!!

and your earlier post where u sed he told his friends he's 'falling' in love with u agen makes my blood boil seriously. The only time he does want u is when he's away from u! who the hell does he think he is wanting u to himself but not wanting the commitment. A guy like that should be shown two fingers! sorry i know u have sincere feelings towards him but if he's not sorted out now he'll never be sorted! U DESERVE SO MUCH MORE BETTER THEN THIS TREATMENT!! and allah will reward you for your patience, have that hope it'll help u through the bad times

As far as those public outbursts go i think u shud just ignore them personally, dont bother replying to him.

Now lets wait for agony aunt and uncle to give us their oppinion (RV and Amir lol)