some advice please-feeling lost :(

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Yepp! I agree with straighup and chipkali..

Why're you playin his clingy/needy gf? Why're you like letting him see how much you're STILL concerned abt his well being. Guys totally hate that. He needs his own space, so much that he came up to you to tell you that it was over.

If you find the urge to call him/ text him or find out what he's upto, get yourself busy in doin smthn else. Like you said this clinginess wont die out overnight, but you gotta hold up your self respect if nothing. Guys are not that emotional. He probably misses you too but he's not hangin back to think abt the "moments" you spent together, or a certain thing you said over a certain thing he said, or how you laugh or w/e.

I know that the brain refuses to work at such times, but just make yourself not do the above. You will feel so embarassed later on when IA you've moved on. As for your friends, well you're wearing their shoes now. Touch luck. There's tons of other things to do in this world. Spend time here, Go join other makeup forums... or other online forums where you can just chat with some guys. Who cares... You desperately need distraction.
Take up a sport, volunteer at thelibrary/ day care.. there's a gazillion things to do if we were to make a list for you. Are you into arts?? Take up evening painting courses...

For heaven's sake, QUIT clinging on to him. He's not answering your fone/ texts/ w.e cuz he doesn't want to maintain that "close" friendship with you. And if you're confused abt what it means, it just means that you once knew him. Now you have to un-know him. Move on with your own life that does not revolve around him...

Lets Recite Surahs
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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :frowning:

:hugz:

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Alvena,

Best thing you could have done is indeed tell the man that your parents were finding a rishta and if anybody was asking you for marriage, that you were honest and told him the facts outright. This builds up trust between the partners and thus increases the love between you.

I find it quite strange that you felt your parents wouldn't allow the marriage if you liked him? Maybe you may not have liked him in the first place. It is wrong that Pakistani girls do this to guys who are totally in love with the girl. Be honest.

I still believe that if you truly loved him, your parents will see that and allow it. I have seen a Kashmiri marry a south Indian and it seems to have worked so you can control your destiny I feel :D. It's not too late- if you want to, get in touch and tell your parents. Nothing worse than people coming for your hand in marriage and then you are really not interested- unfair on you, your parents and the people that come to you thinking they have a chance of marriage.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :frowning:

Kasmiri marry south indian?

Hey if all the beautful girls keepin goin to the rat-face guys then who will be left for us guys? :angry:

This kind of mis-matching must stop. Ladies must start recognizeing thier worth and start demanding equal worth. :snooty:

Alvena. It looks like you are really actually just missing the attention he used to give you.

And it could be possible that he also misses you but trying hard to get over and forget something that could never be?

and it doesnt look like you were serious in marrying him, so why not free the poor guy. You know us guys also get really attached somtimes like girls and maybe the guy has done the wise thing making by creating the distance, saving himself from future heartbreak.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Alvena: This guy's such a big loser. Why shed tears over him? I say marry a nice person and move on. InshAllah you'll forget about him.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Yeh Alvena......If you know you can get better than him...then maybe you should.

show him and make him jealous.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Thanks for the posts guys.

I did want to marry him, i just didnt want to tell my parents until i really really had to because if i told them before it would have just caused problems. I wanted to tell them when they got very serious about my marriage when it came to the crunch, like we are now seriously considering someone not oh there is this guy maybe lets see what happens and nothing happened.

Also im in my 3rd year med with 2 years to go, my parents would be pissed off with me and tell me to keep away from him because he distracts me and as i live away from home they would be worrying what im upto, even though none of this was true.

I do love him, i cant help it i do.

I cant get it into my stupid head its over, its done, somewhere inside me i have this little hope that we will get back to how we were, once we have had a little break.

Im finding it extremely difficult to cope. I went out last night with some friends, it was good it was distracting, but i cried at night in bed, i missed his phonecall his good night text, him waiting for me in the morning to walk with me to uni. I Went to the gym just now felt good for 10 minutes but came home and started crying.

You dont know what youve got until its gone, i feel like going to him and begging him, but i have too much pride for that.

I cant cope with the pain at the moment its too much to handle. My tabiat is kharab, i am constantly crying and not eating/sleeping.

ALot of you on here will think what a stupid girl, all this over a man, just get over him.

Its hard to get over someone who was your best friend, your safety net, your rock and the person you loved who just dissaperard from your life and your left with complete lonliness, me and him had our own little world ourt lives revolved around eachother and its just gone in a second and i dont realy even understand why.

Im feeling guilt and i wish i could have done more to keep him, i hate myself for being so affected.

Yesterday i cleared my belonings that had gathered in his flat, random socks, clips, books, jackets. It was the hardest thing i have done in a long time. We walked in together, i was already crying outisde his door, and then he stood and looked at me for like 5 seconds and then left. I cleared my stuff up and showed my self out and straight away called my friends but the pain is still there.

also, this pretty much goes against everyones advice, but is there any way of salvaging this relationship?

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sweety, only TiMe will heal your wounds..and only with time you will be able to tell if you guys will get back together or not.

but time is a great healer of wounds. trust me..it doesn<t feel like that now..but after soem time you will just automatically start taking interest and being happy in other things in your life.

and another thing..drink herbal tea to help yourself fall asleep On TiMe..and MaKe ur self EaT! ti si really important, if you dont you will just feel worse. i know you dont feel like it right now but snack every two hours if you are not eating properly..

with time inshallah slowly ur hurt will fade and you will feel better..

p.s- and dont blame urself too much..sometimes we dont know what we should do or what is right and what is wrong..agir woh understanding hota to woh iss baat ko samajta..

maybe some things are meant to happen in our kismat..shaihd is me koi behthri ho..maybe it helped you learn soemthing and maybe you will get some other happiness which willbe better for you in the long run..

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

thanks soni,

I managed to speak to him today and things are just well and truly over, he doesnt want the burden of being in sme sort of relationship and just wants to be young and free, and also he doesnt like how I am not the girl i used to be, i dont live for myself my motivation my drive. He thinks us not being so involved in eachother will be healthy for both of us and wants to see me happy and being my own strong woman, he still loves and cares but just friendship is alll he wants!

Im sad but things are getting easier with time, i just need need need to stop hoping he will get back with me, this is my major downfall.

I still find him extremely attracted when we are sitting in a group, which i find very difficult being in same class and having same group of friends!

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

very tough alvena,but any relationship is all about give and take. You can't keep on givin him love with him not returning it back. Ideally, if you guys were to get married, how long would you have endured that? You shouldn't even think that you oughta beg him to have him back, why did he have to leave you. I know so many guys in our family and nothing could've stopped them from marrying their sweethearts.

My taya's son, he got engaged to his high school sweetheart and his parents were totally against it. It got called off.. for like 6 months. Later, he was adamant that this was the only girl he wanted to marry, so guess who he got married to down the road!

this guy is already telling you that he wants out and free and baggage less. It's not his fault.. He's too young hunn to be serious about a relationship.. that is get engaged/ tied up.

Also, you call him your best friend and what not.. were you HIS best friend?? Or was he just courteously returning your care for him? If that were the situation, he would NOT have done what he did under any circumstances. Everything he's told you is just bull**** excuses.. Yeah you need time to be up on your feet again, your brain can't just hav a massive memory loss concerning his prior existence in your life. To be honest, I'm glad this happened to you right now. Down the road in real life (aka marriage) he wouldn't have done for you what you might've done for him. And then you wouldve felt real pain and hurt. It's easier to say yeah I know what she's goin on about.. but wait until you're married insha'Allah and your REAL love life begins.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

bhenjee your posts are very honest and helpful however, i do believe and he still tells me that i was/am his best friend and mean alot to him.

We were in the library now and were just chatting on the way back.

Im slowly recovering and pain is going away and it shows, he can see it.

He said, 'your doing really well your being strong and its good for you, i just want you to know that you mean alot to me no matter what, i just wish we had met 2-3 years later not in the beginning of the course and not at age 18/19'. I said 'you know what thats life we both just have to deal with it, it was your decision and i respect it and if you dont want me you dont deserve me.'

The more i get back on the my own two feet the more he chats to me and we can get along and enjoy eachothers company again.

He said the main main reason for him taking this action is he started to enjoy other girls company and he felt this was not fair on me at all because he enjoyed it in a way he shouldnt have if he had mega strong feelings for me, so it kind of maybe realised that he loves me a little less than before, but he says that now he is no longer committed to me, he is not interested in other girls! boys are so confusing!

He cant handle attachment, someone relying on him emotionally i think thats his main issue, i think he is emotionally immature.

The pain for me has become less and less everyday, im slowly getting my life back on track, yes i still cry in the night but i dont cry in the day i dont feel horrible all of the time.

Today we both found out that the news has spread around the whole class (500) both of us were shocked, some people are happy that this happened, for a long time many many people spread rumors about us trying to cause trouble between us but our friendship was strong enough to not be affected. People said all sorts things through maybe jealousy. My ears are burning.

One thing that i am dreading facing is seeing him with another girl, but he is convinced that at the moment he just wants to be alone detached and sort out his own life.

If he doesnt want me he doesnt deserve me.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Alvena, it seems this guy has realised he is not ready nor has the proper resources yet for proper commitment.
But, pityfully, he still has that female attarction.

But i would give you another possible view of his perspective.

Mabe this guy also likes you but:

if so, somtimes we guys are also unsure...the same way you was.

...some of us are yeh over-confident we think we have it all and go for you all when infact we have nothing; some fortunatly are honest and realistic about ourselves and dont want to mislead anyone, which is what this guy seems....

we also need a push..motivation somtimes, from also the girls side...if the girl can convey she can tolerate/comprimise with him the way he is she doesnt expect 10 properties, 10 cars, 10 diamond rings, then we could understand and take a step forward.

I mean I also know people who liked me or i liked, but then i forgot about it because i thought we are either too different or incompatible.

However if a girl conveyed to how much she feels and is sincere towards me, and that she would be willing to comprimise on some things for the time being and some that will probably never be identical, I would be encouraged.

Guys are afraid of the big marriage and burden that could be lessend by saying for the time being engagement or similar would do, and marriage could happned later.

But maybe then again, this guy is yet very young-only 18/19, and has yet to see a lot of life, maybe he hasnt seen how rare the sincere/good people are how they should be valued when infront of you.

but pple should understand Sometimes guys are also shy of making the initiative....we also have concerns of incompatibility etc etc.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Amir

You know i didnt give him much to go by when we were together, i never demanded anything gave him a free leash and said when you want to go out go etc etc.

He did mention that sometimes he didnt know how to be good to me and whenever he did anything he percieved as wrong it just took him over.

I made mistakes too but i wish he had talked to me before and told me all this stuff.

In my heart i still hope that maybe we can get back together, i dont know why!

Maybe its the mixed signals im getting from him like him telling me how much he still loves me and cares about me and im the perfect girl but just at the wrong time.

im not expecting it to happen and iA i will move on and move forward whatever happens.

I still miss him alot, he has gone back home this weekend and so im missing him extra, when there is nothing to do i usually call him and we go out somewhere now i have to find my own thing, and i realise how much i took you for granted, im really sorry for that. When we were together he would ask me to go out and i would be like no im busy, but now i realise what ive lost.

We met when we were 18/19 and yes it is young and we have matured together for 3 years but maybe it is just a case of right person and wrong time and i just have to know that everything for a reason no matter how much it hurts and how painful it is.

eid special images
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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

lerki main hoon na

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Alvena, I don't expect you to forget him or to break off ur friendship with him. But the more time you spend with him will just make u think of what could have been etc. So, ask your friend not to to rely on you too muc and maybe hang out with some other friends and talk to them about what you are going through, rather than him.

If you have time this weekend go and buy yourself a new wardrobe, get a make-over done and haircut - hopefully this will help u someway towards building your confidence (when I'm depressed I think a pair of shoes and a new haircut makes a big difference!!!)
After all you are only 23, which is still young IMO - so achieve the things you want in life and then worry about settling down. I honestly believe that Allah will send someone into ur life who truly will make you happy.

If you ever need to talk PM me.

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Thankyou sweetpip

Im 21 actually! hehe, even younger than you thought.

Its just very very difficult not to miss him, to not play games to not think what is he thinking, can it be again.

Time is a healer but i wish it wouldnt take so long!

We had a break from eachother this weekend and i had a lovely day with a good friend and had some nice food infront of a movie, tomorow im going shopping :)

He just came online now (fb chat) and he was on for like 5-10 mins, i didnt say anything, i know we are still going to be friends but i think he needs to see i am not obsessed so he doesnt keep messing with my head and pulling me back.

But he didnt say anything either and this makes me very sad :(

when i saw him online i had some weird feeling and my heart was beating faster! im obviously no where near over him :(

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

I'm really glad ur feeling better. Just concentrate on urself for now hun, and in growing in confidence in yourself. Use the summer holidays to change urself emotionally to become a stronger person and even physically if that will help you become more confident. I bet he'll come running back!!! Shopping is a great idea, especially since the sale's are on as well.

21 is very young - u should just enjoy looking at whats out there, not tying urself down :-p . As one of my friends says look at all the hats in a shop v.carefully before you decide on which one you are going to wear to a wedding :-)

Time Pass-August 2013
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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

As for getting over him, write a list of 10 things (or more) that are bad about him, and read them out to urself everytim you miss him. I'll help you with the list as well, if you just want a list of all the bad things about men in general :-)

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Re: some advice please-feeling lost :(

Two words.. MOVE ON. I know its hard at first. You will learn from your past and reflet that it just was not to be... It was indeed Kismet.