so the **** hit the fan, ....

[Muzna]

Re: so the **** hit the fan, …

@nadz123

OK.

okay…

@nadz123

FIRSTLY, i have lived here and been here altogether, around 2 years. a year now, and after marriage etc, so the time has been around 2 years i think, and in this entire time the whole underwear thing has happened 3 TIMES. not every flipping month do i give her underwear to wash. i wash my own. the first time mil told me not t give her dirty underwear, i said ok, il clean them first. now the issue is not if its dirty or not, just the fact that its underwear.

1. 3 times is 2 times too many to be told the same thing. This is not your mother that will keep on telling you the same thing again and again. This is your MIL who, by your own admission, expects perfection. You continue to expect behaviour from her that you have already stated is not forthcoming.

2. If you are cleaning the garments first then what need is there to give to her at all? Are you saying that you pre-wash and they are so dirty that they need a second wash? How long do you wear a pair? Do you need to be taught to change every single day?

3. How in the world is she supposed to know that they are pre-washed? If you are giving them to her to put in the washing cycle then obviously she will think that they are dirty. Do you expect her to inspect the undergarments and figure out if they are washed or not?

@nadz123

secondly, this kaamwali lives in the quaters here. she has free bijli, free gas, free everything, a ups and a generator,free food, just free everything really. they dnt buy anythin themselves. and she still gets paid. her husband also has a job. yet she still complains about most jobs given to her. reason shes still here- cos apparently she hasnt stolen anything yet.

1. The terms of her employment/agreement are irrelevant. She is not employed by you. She is employed/paid by your MIL. You have no right to criticize what she gets for free or comment on how much her family earns as a total income.

2. I don’t live there but the few times I have visited for extended periods I have come to understand how hard it actually is to get and keep good help. Help that does not steal, gossip with the neighbours about what’s going on in your home and cleans to your standards is definitely hard to come by. If your MIL is satisfied with the quality of her work then she has every right to retain her at whatever cost the MIL deems appropriate. If you don’t like the way she works then hire your own help.

@nadz123

i disagree- my 2 yr old daughter recently lost the back end of her earring stud. the kaamwali mustve thought it was gold, i asked her if she had seen it, she said no, then she asked me if it was real or not, i said no of course not, why would i put real gold on my toddler…anyway later my husband saw her snooping around the tv stand. later i found the earring stoper there, under the tv stand. anyway who knows but shes very clever.

1. Nothing but assumptions on your part. And reinforced by your husband. Sadly this suspicious attitude only confirms what everyone else is saying about not being able to find reliable help.

2. If this, an assumption/co-incidence/speculation, is the only example that the entire household has been able to find to pin on this worker then consider yourselves lucky. This certainly is not reason enough to dismiss her or even assassinate her character.

3. There is no rule against a worker being clever. I can see how this might bother you because it seems that her cleverness surpasses yours’ since you are unable to manage her adequately.

@nadz123

thirdly- my sister issue- well i didnt know that until i told my mum what happened 2 days ago and she told me same thing had happened to my sis years ago.

1. You should not be passing on your household arguments to your mother. Ever.

2. Whether or not this happened with your sis years ago is irrelevant. Fact is that it has happened to you more than twice. You should have learned your lesson the first time.

@nadz123

fourthly- i DO WANT TO COOK, mil tells me not to, just so she can moan later how she does everything. everytime i make anything she wont eat it or complain about it or just tell me how its not good or whatever. so i stopped making it. plyus mil has a habit of cooking meals at 7am in the morning..to get it out of the way…im not waking up at 7am to do that. ridiculous. esp when we eat the meal around 2pm.

household chores- like i said, so many times ive done things and mil has complained.

1. Because she didn’t like what you cooked/how you cooked it, you decided that to stop doing it altogether would be the perfect solution huh? How’s that working out for you? Perhaps you might want to try taking a different approach? How about asking her to teach you how to cook things her way? How about swallowing your pride and letting her be the “revered and respected queen of the castle”? She might be in a better frame of mind if she simply got her way.

2. What’s the big deal about waking up at 7 am to cook? MIL probably does this because she goes off to work. Why can’t you wake up at 7 am? What time do your kids get up? Are you one of those that can’t drag their behinds out of bed until 10 am?

3. Chances are that if you did 1 and 2 then MIL would have enough faith in you to do the cooking and wouldn’t care if you did it at 7 am under her supervision or at 11 am once you have had your sleep in.

4. If the household chores that you have done in the past have been cause for complaint then why can’t you learn to do them the way she wants? It is her domain, accept that. If you want your way then move out.

@nadz123

also main thing was how i was told about values and given lectures on that and how shes so sharminda and i should be asking for forgiveness…so many times shes called me a sinner- like when i didnt breastfeed my 2 children until they were 2yrs old…or nwhatever it says in the quran, she told me i was a big sinner…and it was a big gunnaa, she told me why i dnt read namaz 5 times a day, and then she decided to involve my whole family and blame my mum for not instilling values in me..how dare she. i told her my mum reads 5 times , she just said hmmm.
when me and my hubby had a huge fight last yr, rather than console both of us she just blamed me and said it was my fault.

1. I don’t blame your MIL for being sharminda. It is a cause for embarrassment when your DIL’s used undergarments and bedsheets with questionable stains are made available for the help to witness. She is not wrong to ask for an apology particularly when she has made this request/instruction clear to you twice before. (It doesn’t help that your sis committed the same faux pas years back. It just reaffirms her belief that your mother may not have done a good job in raising you guys. Whether this is factual or not is a different story.)

2. She is wrong to call you a sinner. She simply is not the authority to make that determination when it comes to religion. However, if you offer up your mother’s namaz ritual as defence then you are, in effect, admitting that you have been taught but you don’t practice. This, by inference suggests that you are in fact guilty of the sin that she is alleging.

@nadz123

and mil ALWAYS does my besti infront of kaamwali, so obviously kaamwali will think whatever job i give her is beneath her and she can complain.
thing is, my issue with this thread isnt the kaamwali, or my underwear…god. its mil and her reactions. her monologues that begin and dont end. she brings her bimaari into it, she cried and said i should be aplogising.

1. Why does she have an opportunity to do your be-izzati in front of the help? What do you do that gives her this chance?

2. You should be apologizing. No doubt about that.

3. She may have cried out of desperation since your husband was supporting you in a situation where you were obviously wrong. I’m not suggesting that this was right of her to do.

You are not getting backlash. You are getting feedback on a scenario that you posted.
Whether you get upset by it or you learn from it is entirely up to you…