sigh Your problem is you are focusing on the hulla gulla and pomp and circumstance of the wedding and forgetting that sometimes, the greater goal is the marriage.
Why not have a small nikkah/rukhsati asap and then a large wedding reception when it is convenient to schedule? The mehndi/dholkis, etc. are not what is going to solidify your relationship - families and the two of you getting along and making compromises for one another will.
And yes I know a lot of people will say - you only get married once (hopefully) - why not make it the wedding of your dreams, but the truth is that more important than the wedding, is the marriage.
Learn to pick and choose what's most important to get everyone on the same page and make the compromises necessary.
There's nothing to worry about. They're coming to your house, which means your father is open to the rishta.
Just keep expectations and the "who is supposed to do what" talk to a minimum. Every couple/family doesn't need to follow the same formula. Listen to each other and come up with a fair compromise.
I'm with you on not wanting to separate the nikkah and ruksati. It would be different if you were living far apart or need to do it for paperwork reasons, but if you're going to see each other regularly and will have the nikkah, adding unnecessary restrictions to your relationships will cause all sorts of silly issues. I'd do what Sehrysh recommended. Do the nikkah/ruksati early and with as much celebration as you'd like and can manage given the short time. Then, when schedules allow, have another reception in the US and have a mehndi party the night before it if you want.
There's nothing to worry about. They're coming to your house, which means your father is open to the rishta.
Just keep expectations and the "who is supposed to do what" talk to a minimum. Every couple/family doesn't need to follow the same formula. Listen to each other and come up with a fair compromise.
I'm with you on not wanting to separate the nikkah and ruksati. It would be different if you were living far apart or need to do it for paperwork reasons, but if you're going to see each other regularly and will have the nikkah, adding unnecessary restrictions to your relationships will cause all sorts of silly issues. I'd do what Sehrysh recommended. Do the nikkah/ruksati early and with as much celebration as you'd like and can manage given the short time. Then, when schedules allow, have another reception in the US and have a mehndi party the night before it if you want.
Thank you, you're making me feel better. =) I'll let you all know how it goes. Keep us in your duas.
His family came over the past 2 days. I was so so worried but my dad (and mom) absolutely LOVED them; I've never seen them take to someone so quickly. aH aH aH.
They asked for my hand and asked if my dad had any more concerns/what he wanted to do next. And they've decided that we're going to be going to his parents' house (across the country) to visit and meet his extended family/grandparents within the next few months at some point. his mom gave me a gold necklace before she left.
I was under the impression that that meant that my dad was still thinking about it but my mom said that that's actually a way to say yes...is that true? I am SUCH A NOOB at this stuff.
Now just waiting for the next few months to pass so we can go over there and (hopefully) iron out the details.
Our moms want an engagement during the winter but everyone (including the 2 of us) agreed that there shouldn't be a wedding until after boards so we could focus on that.
My dad has now suddenly decided to say No to the rishta--and won't disclose his reasons why when we ask. It went from "he's hyderabadi" (which I countered by explaining how my dad had NO problem with his family when they came so clearly there doesn't seem to be some sort of crazy 'hyderabadi' vs 'lahori' custom that we can't get over) to "he's not good looking" (not gonna dignify that with a response) to "You said you wanted an arranged marriage" (things change...) and now the new one is that "well I said I wanted you to marry a doctor and by that I meant ALREADY a practicing doctor. This guy could fail out so no".
Though the "he's not a doctor" argument I GUESS makes sense, I don't think it's logical. I explained to my father that in order for me to be married to a full-fledged doctor, I'd have to a) marry someone significantly older b) probably ALSO BE A DOCTOR MYSELF c) wait till I'm done with school/residency when I'm a real doctor too. He doesn't get it. On top of that, I told him that that's an unfair restriction because there's always going to be some hurdle you have to jump through: first it's getting into school, then boards, then landing a residency, then getting a fellowship, then trying not to lose your license. If you sit there and wait for a 100% guarantee , it'll never happen.
The other thing he ended with was by saying that people would give him thaanay that his daughter ne ishq ki shaadi ki hai. wtf. I don't even know.
In any case, he's not booking tickets for visiting the guy's family as much as we've been asking him to and there's been an argument in the house every night about how if he decides the rishta is a no then it's a no and no one else can override that (including me...whose life it is). I don't want to have to threaten with the "you're either with us or you don't have join us at all" since that's my father and my intention was clearly to include him in everything since I wouldn't have gone through all this otherwise, but I dont' know what else to do. My other siblings and mom are 100% on my side and everyone's just fed up.
My biggest fear is that he's gonna go to the guy's place and suggest just waiting until we're done with school for ANY type of commitment (even an engagement) in front of all his family (they invited uncles and such because they're expecting a baat paki after my dad's behavior and discussion when they were here...they've even gotten engagement clothes for me at this point).
this is frustrating beyond belief. Pray it all turns out well. :(
^ With all due respect, your father's reaction was almost a foregone conclusion.
Personally, I agree the couple getting married should have the right to decide about their own future - but your father is straddling old world versus new world customs. In his mind it was his right and obligation to decide who you would marry - because, well just because that's the way it's always been done. In his mind it doesn't matter that you've a met who's potentially better than anyone he himself could have introduced you to - it's an ego and tradition thing.
Are there any solutions to this problem? I would suggest involving some Ghar ka barra/elder who you already know would be open-minded and supportive of the rishta and get them to work on your dad. This is in line with the tradition thing where your dad might feel like he should defer to his own elders according to old world customs.
You need to manage the psychology and ego of the situation - arguing isn't going to get you anywhere. Figure out what will work to help your dad save face and for him to feel like this was his decision as opposed to being imposed on him, if possible.
^ With all due respect, your father's reaction was almost a foregone conclusion.
Personally, I agree the couple getting married should have the right to decide about their own future - but your father is straddling old world versus new world customs. In his mind it was his right and obligation to decide who you would marry - because, well just because that's the way it's always been done. In his mind it doesn't matter that you've a met who's potentially better than anyone he himself could have introduced you to - it's an ego and tradition thing.
Are there any solutions to this problem? I would suggest involving some Ghar ka barra/elder who you already know would be open-minded and supportive of the rishta and get them to work on your dad. This is in line with the tradition thing where your dad might feel like he should defer to his own elders according to old world customs.
You need to manage the psychology and ego of the situation - arguing isn't going to get you anywhere. Figure out what will work to help your dad save face and for him to feel like this was his decision as opposed to being imposed on him, if possible.
Good luck.
Unfortunately, any elders we have are either in Pakistan or deceased. I have a few aunts/uncles here but our relationship with them is nonexistent thanks to drama (due to my dad's ego tbh) so no such luck. My mom has been on my side this entire time, and sadly, has had to take the brunt of my dad's anger.
There's very very few outcomes to this:
1) My dad miraculously says yes with no drama
2) My dad says no in which case:
a) I go along with his decision because he's my dad
b) I go through with the plans on my own and basically end my relationship with my dad
The thing that worries me isn't whether I'll marry the guy; I'll do it whether it's with my dad's blessings or not. I know I seem selfish but my dad -- who I respect very much-- hasn't given me a VALID islamic reason for me to turn down the guy. Saying that "someone better might come along" isn't right. I worry because if my bf ever finds out my dad's behavior/thinking in regards to him --which he will if my dad creates a stink and refuses to go with us to visit his family--that's going to start their relationship off on a VERY bad foot. I obviously don't ever want that.
My dad's issue isn't that we're not asking his opinion--his problem is that we're asking his OPINION and NOT giving him the final decision in regards to this guy. If my dad had the right to say yes or no and I would go along with it--well, he'd be very pleased. But he knows that that's not the case so now he's trying to do this.
The guy's extended family is not as important at the moment. So hold off on that and try getting the guy's parents and your dad to talk or meet again. Sounds to me that your dad is afraid to let you go, so he's looking for excuses. Chances are he'd still look for excuses even if the rishta was from a good looking Lahori doctor. As Sehrysh saud earlier, avoid arguing with him, try your bestest not to and try to convince him respectfully even lovingly. Arguing runs the risk of him resenting the guy and his family. Ask your mom to also continue talking to him. And maybe arrange for the two families to talk again so that any doubts your father has can hopefully be removed. Ask your mom if another meeting would be a good idea. Keep praying.
The guy's extended family is not as important at the moment. So hold off on that and try getting the guy's parents and your dad to talk or meet again. Sounds to me that your dad is afraid to let you go, so he's looking for excuses. Chances are he'd still look for excuses even if the rishta was from a good looking Lahori doctor. As Sehrysh saud earlier, avoid arguing with him, try your bestest not to and try to convince him respectfully even lovingly. Arguing runs the risk of him resenting the guy and his family. Ask your mom to also continue talking to him. And maybe arrange for the two families to talk again so that any doubts your father has can hopefully be removed. Ask your mom if another meeting would be a good idea. Keep praying.
His family is cross-country so coming over here or meeting up there is nearly impossible to plan with everyone's schedules. I thought about maybe having his mom call my family but my dad is cmpletely normal with them on the phone--in fact, HIS family is under the impression my dad is coming for a baat paaki at their place. It's like he's playing games and trolling all of us at this point. My dad hasn't given them any idea--even the 1-2x the mom has called after they left our place--that he has any problem with my BF's career/schooling/looks/etc.
Okay then how about letting the guy know what the current situation is. Don't tell your dad that you've done this. And then have his parents call your dad and ask them if there are any doubts. They'll get right to the point. That way your dad can't pretend, he'll have to be direct with them. If you let your dad know that you've told this guy the current position, then dad might evade the calls. I'm just throwing out ideas. I don't know how effective this will be or if it will backfire. What do you think?
Okay then how about letting the guy know what the current situation is. Don't tell your dad that you've done this. And then have his parents call your dad and ask them if there are any doubts. They'll get right to the point. That way your dad can't pretend, he'll have to be direct with them. If you let your dad know that you've told this guy the current position, then dad might evade the calls. I'm just throwing out ideas. I don't know how effective this will be or if it will backfire. What do you think?
I told the guy and he said that he's gonna have his mom call again but when she called a few days ago, my dad acted like everything was okay. The guy is trying to tread carefully because he said that going against one's words is a huge no-no for his parents and if they find out that my dad is playing games even though he made it sound like he was gung-ho about it this entire time, that'll create ill feelings between the families. that's my dad's problem: even IF his fam calls, my dad is gonna act like nothing happened and find a way to drag it out. Like "oh sorry we can't come to your place, even though we REALLY want to...we'll plan for it later" etc etc. Where you're not explicitly saying no and taking responsibility.
I think it's the "what will people say" thing. Did someone say something to him already? Is there someone in the community whose opinion seems to matter a lot to him? Are you the first in your family/community to get married? People have a hard time with the love-marriages that come early, but for younger kids it's no longer a concern because they realize nobody cares and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
I think it's the "what will people say" thing. Did someone say something to him already? Is there someone in the community whose opinion seems to matter a lot to him? Are you the first in your family/community to get married? People have a hard time with the love-marriages that come early, but for younger kids it's no longer a concern because they realize nobody cares and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
The best way to describe my dad is by comparing him to Amitabh Bachchan in K3G. It's his way or the highway. He had a huge blowout with one of our cousins because that cousin had a "love marriage" to someone in the family...you would think that because she's in the family everyone would be okay: same caste (which my dad seems to make a big deal about), same family background, pretty educated, good looking. But nope, he didn't like it and made sure my cousin knew how unhappy he was with the situation. Well, fast forward 5 years, and we have NO relationship with that cousin. His only sin was marrying by choice. So I think he'll get a lot of grief from my other uncles for condoning my behavior while putting down my other cousin for doing the same thing. Which is unfair to me because I told my dad he was being insane when the situation with my cousin went down. On top of that, we have some other probs with a phupo of ours who lives in the community and likes to talk so that could also be making the situation worse. AND I'm the oldest in the family in America to get married/oldest sibling here so I'm sure that has something to do with it.
I just think it's crazy that his ego and paranoia are enough for him to just call off something like this even though he's fully aware that I want this really badly.
After much discussion/arguing with my parents, I've realized that my dad just doesn't want me to get married. Ever. His exact words in the middle of a conversation --a non-heated/completely calm one btw--was "I should've just gotten you married right after high school. I wasted all my money by sending you to med school for no reason". And when my mom asked if he just wanted me to bring home money and stay single, he seriously said "that's what I'm thinking."
I've been pretty upset by it since he said that and I don't really know where to go from here. I...didn't realize fathers still thought this way. Obviously, I've always respected my dad because if I didn't, I wouldn't ever even try to include my dad in all this shaadi business since I KNEW it wasn't gonna be a cakewalk. But there's a limit--and hearing those comments from him last night kind of struck a nerve.
I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't told my SO about my dad's comments because I don't want SO's mind to be poisoned before we even get married but now I'm thinking that maybe I need to talk to him and let him know that my dad might not be partaking in anything relating to us anymore. ugh.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think the best thing to do it just give it some time... always be respectful to your father but firm in your decision, if that makes any sense? I get the whole medical school thing, etc. I was also in med school when I found my hubby and he wasn't even going to be a doctor (separate professions), it was really hard to convince my parents at that time too. But trust me it'll work out.
There's a lot of things at play here unfortunately, the love marriage aspect is one, but it's also the fact that you both are still studying so your future is kind of unknown to him. I can see why he's a little concerned because until you match for a residency, medical school is kind of up in the air for both you and your bf. My parents had that same talk with me, and it was a mission to get them on board. If he's concerned about your medical education and whether or not you both will make it as doctors in the end, evaluate your future plans with your bf and run them through your dad. Tell him exactly what you guys plan on doing. Maybe it will reassure him that you're not going to end up quitting.
But don't take anything he says in anger as a direct attack on you. Parents say things they don't mean when they're angry and everyones parents have these odd quirks about them. Unfortunately you can't change him, but I would wait a few days for him to calm down and then respectfully approach it again. Tell him that you love this guy and that you have done everything to be respectful and abide by his rules, but this concerns your future and he is being unfair.
You're lucky in a sense that you have the support of your mom and the guys family is accepting. If you think your dad will never say no to the guys family directly, then maybe schedule for them to come over to your place again? Sometimes parents create a scene in their own home but become mute when they're around other people. He might just want that satisfaction of knowing that his opinion matters in your life. If he has no reason to say no to the marriage then allow him to have his little tantrum and proceed respectfully with the marriage plans.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think the best thing to do it just give it some time... always be respectful to your father but firm in your decision, if that makes any sense? I get the whole medical school thing, etc. I was also in med school when I found my hubby and he wasn't even going to be a doctor (separate professions), it was really hard to convince my parents at that time too. But trust me it'll work out.
There's a lot of things at play here unfortunately, the love marriage aspect is one, but it's also the fact that you both are still studying so your future is kind of unknown to him. I can see why he's a little concerned because until you match for a residency, medical school is kind of up in the air for both you and your bf. My parents had that same talk with me, and it was a mission to get them on board. If he's concerned about your medical education and whether or not you both will make it as doctors in the end, evaluate your future plans with your bf and run them through your dad. Tell him exactly what you guys plan on doing. Maybe it will reassure him that you're not going to end up quitting.
But don't take anything he says in anger as a direct attack on you. Parents say things they don't mean when they're angry and everyones parents have these odd quirks about them. Unfortunately you can't change him, but I would wait a few days for him to calm down and then respectfully approach it again. Tell him that you love this guy and that you have done everything to be respectful and abide by his rules, but this concerns your future and he is being unfair.
You're lucky in a sense that you have the support of your mom and the guys family is accepting. If you think your dad will never say no to the guys family directly, then maybe schedule for them to come over to your place again? Sometimes parents create a scene in their own home but become mute when they're around other people. He might just want that satisfaction of knowing that his opinion matters in your life. If he has no reason to say no to the marriage then allow him to have his little tantrum and proceed respectfully with the marriage plans.
We all spoke with my dad last night and my brother was present at this time. He explained to my dad that even though we understand his concerns, there's a certain amount of risk associated with any marriage to anyone and he has to weigh the pros and cons. My dad had no other cons when we asked him and my mother said exactly what said about allowing him to have the tantrum but respectfully proceeding with the plans. He's supposed to plan out our trip to the BF's home in the next week or so, so I'm hoping for the best.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you convince your parents? And how did you plan all this out around medical school? thank you so much
We all spoke with my dad last night and my brother was present at this time. He explained to my dad that even though we understand his concerns, there's a certain amount of risk associated with any marriage to anyone and he has to weigh the pros and cons. My dad had no other cons when we asked him and my mother said exactly what said about allowing him to have the tantrum but respectfully proceeding with the plans. He's supposed to plan out our trip to the BF's home in the next week or so, so I'm hoping for the best.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you convince your parents? And how did you plan all this out around medical school? thank you so much
It wasn't easy, especially because we were both young (23) and my husband wasn't even in medicine, he wanted to open up his own business. So it was a mission... plus neither of my parents were on board. They thought I was going to end up quitting halfway through rotations and get pregnant or something :s.
I fought for a year, I was 22, had just gotten accepted into med school after undergrad and I broke the news to them... It was a tough year of going back and forth. Plus my husband got a great job halfway across Canada so it was very difficult as I was all alone. I was respectful during the entire time, my dad had those times where he wouldn't really chat to me or leave the room when I entered. It hurt a lot but I remained persistent but happy. I didn't want them to think their opinion didn't matter or that I didn't need them in my life. Slowly, my mom came around... she sat me down and we talked through it, I cried a lot, explained to her that I was honestly going to finish med school and I was serious about my career but I also had found someone that I wanted to be with. Months went by, I was dealing with this and med school at the same time. My husband got a call one day from my dad and he went to meet my parents.
My husband laid everything down on the table, reassured my parents that me becoming a doctor was his dream for me too. He kept in contact with my dad and slowly my dad changed his mind. At first they were saying nikah once residency is done, but then one day out of the blue, my dad agreed a year after this entire drama... I don't know why or how but my husband had managed to convince them that he was right for me.
After that happened, things kind of proceeded quite quickly. Right before I started rotations, my parents and I met his family and relatives and we got married. I ended up finishing school and it'll be 5 years since that day... it's been a crazy ride. I didn't have the luck of my husband being with me during rotations so it was difficult during that time, the loneliness was hard but he's been my rock. So that's why I think being respectful during this entire process will get you what you want and also show your parents that their decision/opinions matter. :)
It wasn't easy, especially because we were both young (23) and my husband wasn't even in medicine, he wanted to open up his own business. So it was a mission... plus neither of my parents were on board.** They thought I was going to end up quitting halfway through rotations and get pregnant or something :s.**
I fought for a year, I was 22, had just gotten accepted into med school after undergrad and I broke the news to them... It was a tough year of going back and forth. Plus my husband got a great job halfway across Canada so it was very difficult as I was all alone. I was respectful during the entire time, my dad had those times where he wouldn't really chat to me or leave the room when I entered. It hurt a lot but I remained persistent but happy. I didn't want them to think their opinion didn't matter or that I didn't need them in my life. Slowly, my mom came around... she sat me down and we talked through it, I cried a lot, explained to her that I was honestly going to finish med school and I was serious about my career but I also had found someone that I wanted to be with. Months went by, I was dealing with this and med school at the same time. My husband got a call one day from my dad and he went to meet my parents.
My husband laid everything down on the table, reassured my parents that me becoming a doctor was his dream for me too. He kept in contact with my dad and slowly my dad changed his mind. At first they were saying nikah once residency is done, but then one day out of the blue, my dad agreed a year after this entire drama... I don't know why or how but my husband had managed to convince them that he was right for me.
After that happened, things kind of proceeded quite quickly. Right before I started rotations, my parents and I met his family and relatives and we got married. I ended up finishing school and it'll be 5 years since that day... it's been a crazy ride. I didn't have the luck of my husband being with me during rotations so it was difficult during that time, the loneliness was hard but he's been my rock. So that's why I think being respectful during this entire process will get you what you want and also show your parents that their decision/opinions matter. :)
That is exactly my dad's concern which seems kind of illogical to me because I'm IN school already (and already was before I met my BF) and neither one of us has any desire to quit; we both worked very hard and had to take the nontrad route to medicine so giving up doesn't seem like it's gonna happen.
I'm glad that everything worked out for you like that. If my dad remains adamantly against this, I was thinking of having my SO call him and speak to him about his concerns. He's extremely mature and has everything planned out financially and otherwise so he should be able to calm my dad down. The problem is that when they were over, my dad made no effort to ask him about any of this stuff.
