SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m an idiot when it comes to this stuff and the SO has been driving me crazy asking me what’s normal so I figured I’d ask you guys/gals.

My BF/SO and his family are coming over in a week or so to meet my family for the first time. He’s met my parents VERY briefly in passing (more of a “hello/hi” situation) when they weren’t aware of the circumstances surrounding our relationship. Our moms have talked on the phone a few times and they seem to genuinely like each other.

As I’ve mentioned in previous threads, there’s a bit of a time crunch with us because of scheduling with school/work and the fact that our families live across the country from one another AND the two of us live pretty far away from home (we’re allllll spread out all over the place) so I don’t know if that changes the situation a bit.

Anyways, he was wondering what would be expected in terms of commitment at that time. As in, should they bring a ring? Would there be a baat pakki? I have NO idea how this works because most of the friends I have are still single/had arranged marriages. I know the guy and I’m 20000% committed to marrying him. My mom / siblings are on board and his entire family is super gung-ho. My dad would be the only hold up. They’ve already given my dad all their “family info” for background checks or whatever the heck people use them for.

I know its unique to the individual and their situation but I was trying to get a feel for how things went for those of you that already knew the guy for a bit before the families met. In a typical arranged setting I would say that families meeting for the first time and finalizing a rishta is crazy but this is different…I don’t want my dad to flip out/panic over them wanting commitment asap but I also don’t want his family to feel like we’re on the fence. I don’t know proper “etiquette” when it comes to this.

But…I’m rambling so I’ll stop. Advice/stories/personal experiences/ ANYTHING?!

Thank you:hypo:

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

I think your time & energy will be better spent speaking to your mom about this. Your mother and your siblings (if they're older) need to talk to your dad & try to figure out what's going through HIS mind. Have your mother talk to your dad to see what his thoughts are on doing a fast engagement/wedding b/c of your school/work schedule. As for what's "normal"....well, you need to figure out what's "normal" for YOUR family...more specifically, for your dad's side of the family. So if your dad has any brothers/sisters who got married AFTER him....or if you have cousins on your dad's side who have gotten married recently, look to see how their rishta/baat paaki happened.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Yeah I figured that it'd be really subjective and unfortunately I'm the oldest in the family here in that states and no other family members have had "love marriages". I wasn't necessarily looking for any hard advice or guidelines, just curious about how it goes on with other families so I could somewhat know what to expect.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

OP, have they already asked for your proposal? if they already have, and the decision now lies with your family then in the first meeting, your parents should let them know that they are good with this proposal. the family then come over within a week or so to do an official baat pakki with a ring or any shagoon(whatever is the tradition).
And if the guy's family hasn't specifically asked for your proposal yet from your parents, then they should first do it in this meeting and then wait for the response from your side and then proceed further.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

OP, if his family has not yet asked for the rishta they shouldn't be bringing a ring as that's a bit presumptuous on their end and your dad may feel as though they think it's a done deal without even properly asking him. Wait for your family to say yes first and then proceed from there.

With hubby and I, he came over and met my family who loved him immediately. His parents (who reside in a different country) then rang my family and asked for the rishta (once my parents approved of him). We then went ring shopping, shortly after was our nikkah then 6 months later our wedding.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

As far as I know, they haven't officially asked. But his mom called my mom and they've talked and it's obvious that it's a yes from their side and that--unless something crazy happens when they come -- it's a done deal.

Okay that's what I said about a ring. I think their intention was to bring a ring not as an engagement / baat pakki type of deal but just as a present to show their interest (also because it's my bday that same day) but my bf and I both decided that it might come across wrong due to the significance of exchanging rings so he told his mom that wasn't a good idea.
So I guess what'll happen, based on what you/some others have said is that they'll come over and express their interest and then my family will get back to them and then figure out specifics? That makes sense.

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SO & parents coming over to meet the family

If they have yet to officially ask then maybe bring that up with your bf, to talk to his family about setting up a dinner date where his family brings that proposal to your parents. Even though it's understood it's a yes, your parents would probably appreciate them asking in a more formal way to make it officially official. A ring doesn't always make it official, that can be verbal too until it's been discussed as to how both families would like to proceed with a ring exchange (big fancy engagement with lots of guests, small thing at home, a nikah) and I agree that it would be presumptuous for them to bring on a ring on the first meeting. The way it's usually done in my fam is baat paki is done verbally where both families hangout a few times over dinner and then once it's official that it's a done deal they move forward with deciding on how to do an engagement. My cousin had an engagement party where they brought the ring and myself and another cousin had a Nikah date that was set which served as our engagement period until the wedding. My cousin who had an engagement also married her high school sweetheart and baat paki was acknowledged over dinner and then followed by a party in a banquet hall that served as the engagement where they brought the ring.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Yep, the plan is that they're coming in a week or two to meet my family and bring the proposal. It just kind of overcomplicates things that with our school/work schedule (and the fact that his family lives clear across the country) that we can't just plan an initial dinner party to get to know each other and another for them to actually formally propose.

How long was the period between your nikkah and wedding? That's the way his family wants to do it -- to make it halal ASAP--but I don't know how I feel about it.

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SO & parents coming over to meet the family

^^ if your arent sure on making it 'halal' ASAP you really shouldnt be worrying about a ring. I had a baat pakki his family came, my taya told them on the day hes agreeing to the rishta dua kher done dinner they went home. This was july 2011 before ramzaan

His mum insisted on giving a ring but in our family we dnt really have engagement ceremonies. Still they came with a ring after like a few months, in march '12 and gifts we swapped just us at home, nikaah was done in the same year in november we pushed the mehndi rukhsati walima as my mum ended up having heart surgery in sept but was adamant we dont change the nikaah date.

I dont think long engagements are ideal if you feel its time to get married then just go for it.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Well his family wants a nikkah in December and wedding in july but I'd much rather just wait till July and do all the functions together and maybe just have an engagement in december or something. That's what I Meant by waiting.

Hmmm...yeah Im' not a fan of long engagements either but I'm on the fence on doing a nikkah and then waiting to have a wedding too. We'll see about that I suppose. This plan can all go out the window if something goes horribly wrong with they come over.

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SO & parents coming over to meet the family

What part about having the Nikah early bothers you? Because of my husband and I living in different countries, it was easier to have a Nikah for the immigration process to go more smoothly. Everything was fine, it felt like an engagement if anything and it was about 9 months till my wedding the following summer. About the same time frame your looking at. I guess a long engagement in my mind is over a year or more.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Well like most of love birds , you two also think parents are dumb . No they are NOT . They must have already figured out what to do and what not to do . Plus now ball is in parent's court anyways . Just sit tight and pray .

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

We actually go to school together and live near each other so doing an early nikkah without a rukhsati just seems odd since we might as well do both together. There wouldn't be a seperation of any sort and since we'd have free reign islamically in terms of hanging out/being around each other, I just feel like the actual wedding/ruksati will be pointless. It might just be a psychological thing on my part because as I'm typing it, I know I sound insane. :S

No I don't think that at all. i was just wonderin how other people did it. I'm sure our parents know but I'm the type of person that likes to know the answer to stuff because it makes me anxious not to.

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SO & parents coming over to meet the family

My rukhsati was two months later, maybe your parents and his are more comfortable with the idea of you guys being nikaah'fied so you can just meet freely etc, its not a long wait tbh or have a halfway point and just say how about the wedding takes place like april or something. Sometimes parents want things done so they feel at ease aswell

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

I knew him for about 10 months...when the family finally got together in one spot...it was sort of understood that this is it and the meetings were mostly to iron out details like dates and such.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Yeah, his parents feel like that for sure. And I get where they’re coming from, logically. It’s just that weird irrational part that doesn’t want to do it that way. In the grand scheme of things being married to him trumps my plans and I’ll just be glad we were able to be together so I don’t think it’s worth creating a fuss. If that’s what’ll appease both sides, then so be it. Unfortunately, for my dad, that’s not the case at all. If anything, he’s gonna want to wait on any sort of commitment until we start residency so…3 years from now…which his parents are ADAMANTLY against. I guess time will tell what compromise they reach. I’m just praying it goes well. When my dad wants to start nitpicking, he will find small small things to make fusses about. :confused:

That’s the mindset his parents are approaching this meeting with…and so are we. Given everyone’s schedules and the distance we live from each other, having an extensive “getting to know the family” business is going ot be next to impossible. They’re already flying out to see us, spending a good deal of $$ to do so , so I can’t imagine making travel plans another 2-3 x before they have to fly out again for an engagement AND wedding. Lol good to know other people have done it like this too. Did your parents check up on the fam background after the meeting or had they done all that prior to your husband’s fam coming over?

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

First off, congrats on finding your future hubby :)
2nd- you mentioned residency for the both of you... You're in med school. So based off of that, expect delays. Honestly, with med school, whatever is planned always goes through changes- because there's this exam at that time, boards, tough rotations, etc. But be patient.

I'm in med school and my fiancé is a lawyer. His schedule was really open. Mine- not so much. Then in addition to that, we had to factor in family members' schedules. If it's meant to be, it'll happen- always remember that. We took 1 year to get engaged since we met. Our parents met 6 months after we met... Not ideal, but sometimes you don't have control over timing.

His family wanted a baat pakki, engagement ceremony, nikkah (early on), then shaadi. Whereas my family preferred baat pakki over the phone, then maybe an engagement, nikkah and shaadi on the same day. We're still working out details. But know that a baat pakki does not have to be a separate event to get ready for; it's a verbal commitment.

Also, I did background checks before telling my parents.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

Nice to see someone in the same boat as me. Yeah, my sister is in law school and her schedule is wayyyyy more flexible. ugh.

His family wants a baat pakki when we meet preferably, and a nikkah ASAP since they don't want us hanging out and stuff too much unless it's islamically okay, and shaadi/walima as soon as we get the chance--whether that be the next week, the next couple months, a year, after residency, etc.
My family doesn't believe in long engagements or having the nikkah/shaadi separately so we're in a bind. I did the background check before telling the parents (the desi community is scarily small and we've figured out we have multiple connections) and I gave my dad his family's info a good month ago but they don't seem to want to take my word for it re: him being clean and having no past. The biggest issue on my side is that we have no doctors in the family so my family is completely clueless when it comes to timelines/the reason why it sounds like we're rushing (we aren't...) whereas his family went through something similar for his older siblings so they want to get this done where there's a natural break/progression.
How long have you guys been engaged for?

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

^ we've been engaged only for 1 month. We're trying to figure out wedding preps. The wedding likely won't happen until later this year.

Looking back, my advice is to get the nikkah done. I wish my parents were on board with having an earlier nikkah. I say this because it really is best islamically.

Don't rush things because you have to take step 1 or 2 or because you have this or that rotation or you have interviews. Sometimes that puts too much pressure that you miss out on enjoying your engagement period or wedding preps.

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Re: SO & parents coming over to meet the family

at this point I'll even take my dad agreeing to just an engagement; any sort of commitment! Yeah, the whole rushing thing sucks, but I feel like it's going to be like that for the rest of my life now just because of our schedules. I've never seriously considered having a nikkah without a rukhsati but I guess that might be something I need to look at; the only issue is that desi people (my parnets included) treat it as more of an engagement so I would still be required ot uphold certain standards of behavior. Which defeats part of the purpose of us getting married -- living together for the next 2 years while we do our rotations.