In fact I started this thread after your post in another thread Tammy.
Good luck to Tammy for her aspiration for solo life. I wonder what she would be thinking when her own children also required by wives to abandon her..
By the she required no inlaw, if same thing happen to her brothers (if any) whom willing to take care her parents in older age?
Is she alright sending them to nursing home??
Yes, you do and should have the right to do all you talked about.
But not all in-laws are so demanding. Sometimes you give up, other times you get their help and support when you really need it.
See, if the woman (or man in some cases) start asking for these requirements, other person gets worried. So be a little careful and diplomatic.
I have discussed all this with my fiance and he already lives separately since he works in a different state. I don't think diplomacy is always a good idea, it can be deceitful and dishonest, however, it's always good to be tactful.
My inlaws aren't demanding but I still prefer living independently with my husband not under his parents roof.
Good luck to Tammy for her aspiration for solo life. I wonder what she would be thinking when her own children also required by wives to abandon her..
By the she required no inlaw, if same thing happen to her brothers (if any) whom willing to take care her parents in older age?
Is she alright sending them to nursing home??
I wouldn't want my sons to bring home their wife to live in my house. If they actaully want to, I woud make a seperate portion for them or something like that but I would never convince my kids to stay with me after they get married.
Why do sons have to take care of their parents and not daughters? I have no problem in doing whatever I can for my parents and I am sure my brothers will too. I will never stop my husband from taking care of his parents but taking care doesn't necessarily mean living with them unless they have certain medical condition that requires constant supervision.
My fiances parents are in their 60's and are totally capable of living on their own. They have kids who live nearby but they don't live with them.
Do all old people require nursing home?
I totally agree with the second paragraph of yours. And with the emphasis on typically. **Not always **but typically.
" what are you going to do with two incomes? Why Do you need it?"
"who told you to work?" Are you not happy with him working?............kind of attitude.
It may be that the family has real legit needs, children, or one person may not be making enough to even cover for essentials. I mean essentials.
Even if the family doesn't have legit reasons, are you threatened by women being in the workforce? If not, then I see no reason why women cannot be working even if they don't have "legit" reasons according to your definition of "legit". You should know you'd be marrying a working woman, and if that bothers you...guess what...don't marry her.
Good luck to Tammy for her aspiration for solo life. I wonder what she would be thinking when her own children also required by wives to abandon her..
By the she required no inlaw, if same thing happen to her brothers (if any) whom willing to take care her parents in older age?
Is she alright sending them to nursing home??
See, this is so typical of desis. Where did she say she was going to send her inlaws to a nursing home, or that she'd ask her husband to abandon his parents, etc?
She said no such thing. Asking that parents on both sides mind their own business about personal lifestyle decisions for the couple does NOT equate to abandonment.
Desi budhay and budhian always pull this line of "oh mera bacha mujhe abandon kar raha hai" when their kid decides to make his own decisions with his wife.
You folks haven't seen abandonment. Believe me. You have no clue what "abandonment" even means.
Re: So much for bashing....
^ funny thing is, when a guy/husband says this... its applauded ke kithna samajdaar hai... if a wife says it, its condemned..
however, tammy.. sometimes situations arise, where even if the parents are totally capable of looking after themselves, they need a place to live.
There are so many parents who work their butts off their entire life to send their kids abroad to get an education, to make a life for themselves... now when these parents retire, they too desire to be with their kids, or grandkids more importantly... and why not? they have slaved over their kids... working crappy hours just to give their kids the best.... why shouldnt the kids then look after their parents in those times?
Some parents (kids) dont have the luxury of having their own houses or have a house paid off to be living in when they retire... cus they have put all their effort in providing for their kids.... its about time the kids do something in return. Give the parents some love... a home to live in.. a place to call home.
I have discussed all this with my fiance and he already lives separately since he works in a different state. I don't think diplomacy is always a good idea, it can be deceitful and dishonest, however, it's always good to be tactful. My inlaws aren't demanding but I still prefer living independently with my husband not under his parents roof.
I wouldn't want my sons to bring home their wife to live in my house. If they actaully want to, I woud make a seperate portion for them or something like that but I would never convince my kids to stay with me after they get married. Why do sons have to take care of their parents and not daughters? I have no problem in doing whatever I can for my parents and I am sure my brothers will too. I will never stop my husband from taking care of his parents but taking care doesn't necessarily mean living with them unless they have certain medical condition that requires constant supervision. My fiances parents are in their 60's and are totally capable of living on their own. They have kids who live nearby but they don't live with them. Do all old people require nursing home?
This is what my parents said as it means if they ever needed help someone could be there but they would have their privacy as well. The house we live in now used to belong to an English couple and the wife's mother. She had a portion of the house for herself, bedroom, bathroom and another room that had been converted into her own little kitchen. I don't know why more desis don't do the annexe thing, it leads to so much less conflict.. Totally agree with everything else u said as well, esp as most fils/mils are usually not even in need of being 'looked after' just after their kids get married. I often hear 'but they are diabetic' as tho it's some kind of horrific disability that means they need a carer, desis do love their drama lol
I have discussed all this with my fiance and he already lives separately since he works in a different state. I don't think diplomacy is always a good idea, it can be deceitful and dishonest, however, it's always good to be tactful. My inlaws aren't demanding but I still prefer living independently with my husband not under his parents roof.
I wouldn't want my sons to bring home their wife to live in my house. If they actaully want to, I woud make a seperate portion for them or something like that but I would never convince my kids to stay with me after they get married. Why do sons have to take care of their parents and not daughters? I have no problem in doing whatever I can for my parents and I am sure my brothers will too. I will never stop my husband from taking care of his parents but taking care doesn't necessarily mean living with them unless they have certain medical condition that requires constant supervision. My fiances parents are in their 60's and are totally capable of living on their own. They have kids who live nearby but they don't live with them. Do all old people require nursing home?
Thanks for your willingness for your habby to take care his parents.
As long as they are healthy they would be ok, but unless they have sudden death they do need constant care at some stage of their lives.
.........the In-Laws.
Are there any benefits of being close to or living with in-laws?
Yes or No.
for me yes it is.. in fact i am more comfortable with them.. right after my marriage me and my husband were living alone the thing i missed the most my family.. now i am with my in laws and i am very happy and comfortable.. they are very cooperative they did not interfere in my personal life .. so i have fun , my privacy and family too..
Re: So much for bashing....
Some advantages of living with inlaws:
Babysitting/help with the kids (perhaps offset by the fact some desi grandparents, esp some mils don't like the couple going on holiday or even out for dinner or whatever on their own tho).
Grandchildren prob more likely to grow up speaking their 'mother' tongue (most of us who've grown up in the West would prob speak Eng most of the time with our other halves unless they're from 'back home') and perhaps will end up more in touch with their culture.
No rent/mortgage/bills (or very little if they are contributing to the household), means the son can go out and buy himself a BMW, all the PS3/Xbox games he wants, latest mobile phones, gadgets etc - I've actually come across boys who've said this is the reason they want to stay at home.
Son gets more leeway in regards to going out with his mates in the evenings (if living with wife she'd usually put her foot down but Mum doesn't mind, while wife is often expected to stay at home).
See, this is so typical of desis. Where did she say she was going to send her inlaws to a nursing home, or that she'd ask her husband to abandon his parents, etc?
She said no such thing. Asking that parents on both sides mind their own business about personal lifestyle decisions for the couple does NOT equate to abandonment.
Desi budhay and budhian always pull this line of "oh mera bacha mujhe abandon kar raha hai" when their kid decides to make his own decisions with his wife.
You folks haven't seen abandonment. Believe me. You have no clue what "abandonment" even means.
It is hard to understanding when we tried to understand things without understanding the cultural norms.
I am living 1000s of KM a part from my son, one day when he has a wife most likely going to stay at same place with her, and i would be minding my own business some other part of world.
But when a day come, and i need him, he need to stand up for us, if that means Sacrificing so called privacy so be it.
It is some kind of social commitment we have between children and parents (now we are only talking about strictly our culture).
Re: So much for bashing....
Let me elaborate a bit.
First of all, there are 2 types of joint family system. Type 1 where you live with only parents and Type 2 where you're living with your husbands other family members too like brothers and their wives (devranis, jethanis). Type 2 is something I can never deal with. Type 1 can still be considered if my husband happens to be the only son and is solely responsible and the parents are in need of supervision.
I think everyone should take care of their parents, NOT just the son and daughter inlaw.
If my parents are ever in such a situation, I would do everything I can and not expect my brothers and their wives only to take care of them. Sometimes it's more convinient for the daughter to keep her parents than it is for the son.
My grandmother is suffering from Alzheimers disease and has severe dementia so obviously she cannot live on her own. All my aunts and uncles take turn taking care of her, not just her sons. Sometimes she stays at her daughters house and sometimes with my uncles. Thats how it should be. It's not fair to put all the responsibility on the son and daughter in law.
If my parents in law have no such medical condition and can live quite independently, then I really don't see any reason why I should be living in their house. This is why I wouldn't marry someone in the first place who expects me to be living in this kind of a household.
I am not judging anyone who wants to live in such a sytem, I just don't think it's right for me and I prefer living independently from parents and niether do I want my future kids to live with me once they are old enough to settle down.
Re: So much for bashing....
Good to see some different point of views.
I think before getting married one should have the priority set but not be rigid.
A big family is helpful but can be a nuisance also. Like it is mentioned above, they could be of real help for taking care of children. Especially if both husband and wife want to pursue career, want to go out or something. One cannot always trust on babysitters.
No rent/mortgage/bills (or very little if they are contributing to the household), means the son can go out and buy himself a BMW, all the PS3/Xbox games he wants, latest mobile phones, gadgets etc - I've actually come across boys who've said this is the reason they want to stay at home.
Son gets more leeway in regards to going out with his mates in the evenings (if living with wife she'd usually put her foot down but Mum doesn't mind, while wife is often expected to stay at home).
damn.. i have to rethink now..
Some advantages of living with inlaws:
Babysitting/help with the kids (perhaps offset by the fact some desi grandparents, esp some mils don't like the couple going on holiday or even out for dinner or whatever on their own tho).
Grandchildren prob more likely to grow up speaking their 'mother' tongue (most of us who've grown up in the West would prob speak Eng most of the time with our other halves unless they're from 'back home') and perhaps will end up more in touch with their culture.
No rent/mortgage/bills (or very little if they are contributing to the household), means the** son can go out and buy himself a BMW, all the PS3/Xbox games he wants, latest mobile phones, gadgets etc **- I've actually come across boys who've said this is the reason they want to stay at home.
Son gets more leeway in regards to going out with his mates in the evenings (if living with wife she'd usually put her foot down but Mum doesn't mind, while wife is often expected to stay at home).
How are these two advantageous at all?
I'd rather see my man contribute to the household and run it, rather than be the pansy whose daddy takes care of all the bills. That's sorta irresponsible. Let his parents pay bills while he buys video games? Uh...
Who the heck wants to be in a situation where husband gets to go out with his friends because his mom lets him, while his wife is made to sit at home?? You dont know what he's doing out there, and how does that make him a MAN? That's still being a KID.
Re: So much for bashing....
well if thats how it is...on the same note, i'd like to see the man and woman grow up and blow some real money on babysitters than be cheapo pansies and expect grandparents to babysit their rugrats. kids are cute and manageable as babies, but lets face it - 5 yr old boys are not fun even for grandparents beyond 5 mins, and their energy levels are incompatible.
Re: So much for bashing....
^ being a mother who blows her money on childcare... i agree that 4+ yr olds are a nightmare to handle.. They should be off to kinder by that stage neways.. BUT the point is, if ur a mother who works and for watever reason u cant send the kid to the chidlcare or school on a certain day, it is enormous help if the grandparents are around... at least u can leave them in someone's care. Most employers are pretty cool taking days off when things go all crazy.... but in my unfortunate situation when the childcare closed for two weeks... it was a tad bit hard taking that much time off in one go..
One more thing.... childcares are a lot safer than homes. Hence the reason id rather send my kid there than keep them home with grandparents who cant run after the kid as fast as a daycare worker can..
How are these two advantageous at all?
couldn't agree more... shouldnt the son be the one running the household???
[quote]
some people never grow up?
Other argument: Both work to pay the bills including the babysitter. No real love time for kids from family! No real saving. Fight/argue when come home who should get the dustbin out! 
Then they are left alone when kids grow and run away!
Re: So much for bashing....
^ i dont think thats the way it is.
Just cus both parents work, dont mean they dont have love and quality time for their children.
My munchkin is a top priority. We work for her betterment, and when we get home, it's all about her. And plus, we have a rule, no arguments infront of kids.
Not everyone works to pay bills and childcares and babysitters. We work csu we want to, it makes us feel like better human beings. But that needn't apply to everyone. Some of us need to work to feel complete... others do it for other reasons
Couples fight EVEN if the wife is a stay home mom. Woman staying home is no guarantee that the marriage and kids will turn out perfect.
Do you think american (non desi) kids “run” away and abandon their parents?
For one millionth time, living away is not synonymous with abandonment!