so many complications...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hello everyone, Usually I would introduce myself for my first post but I really need to blow off some steam and created this account just to post here. So here goes…

I was introduced to a girl roughly at the start of the year and we spent about two months getting to know each other during which, if not her, I definitely started liking her and in my opinion did my best to understand her and be accommodating but somewhere in the middle things started falling apart.
The problems started when the parents began communicating and her side gave us the wrong DOB, which was literally four years apart from her actual birth date and when she & I finally clarified her DOB, she also told me something else about her past and I really didn’t care, all I asked was that if we were willing partners and cared for each other than her past was irrelevant as far as I was concerned.

Anyhow, my family wasn’t excited about this new development and wanted me to move on but I told them that she is willing to work with me and that’s what important, to which they said that perhaps she’ll be more dedicated because of her experience and eventually contacted her family again to organize a meet, and since we were travelling out of town that weekend, we asked to meet on the same week, which her side said was too early and that we should meet after we come back.

So once we returned back, I asked her to get her mother to call because my mom basically felt that her family wasn’t interested and mom wasn’t going to call again because as per my mom, her side should be showing interest as well and they need to show effort from their end as well. Well I knew at this stage the parents were going to ruin a good thing between this girl & I and I did start noticing that she started distancing herself from me and I tried and tried to approach her and then one day she contacts me and basically says that we should get married ASAP and if two people like each other than there shouldn’t be any barriers (I had told her earlier I cant get married before my sister) and as much as even I am not pleased with the arrangement I have to keep everyone happy and am not going to start a big mess. The arrangement I offered was that we could get married immediately after my sisters wedding or if my sister wasn’t married by X amount of time then we would go ahead with our wedding.

Turns out she didn’t appreciate the fact that I made a decision without consulting her and she also didn’t like the fact that I ‘sneakily’ told her that we would live with my mother after marriage (which to be honest I told her at the beginning that I planned on living at home and would eventually settle into our own place) so now according to her she sees red flags and cant pursue us anymore.

Meanwhile I have been nothing but calm and perhaps a little too honest, she doesn’t like the fact that I talk to my family about everything and in the future small disagreements between us will turn into massive fights because by sharing info with my family I’ll be adding fuel to the fire and she also thinks my mom has it for her mom because my mom finds her mother to be uninterested in the process.

I’ve contacted her to tell her that we can work out the differences and I didn’t purposely make decisions to upset her, there’s plenty going on on my end to make it work and I have to keep my family satisfied during all of this too. I even told her I would like to proceed ahead and sort out all these kinks but I think she’s pretty much decided to call it quits.

What I don’t understand is that if I can work with her age (she’s older), her past and the ‘sneaky’ (since I am being accused of being sneaky with the whole living with my mom thing) information her mother provided then why can’t she understand and work with my restrictions too. I tell her to get her mom involved and all she had to do was get her mom to call and my mom would have eased off because there was mutual interest, but no, she thinks we have it for her mom?

She wants an independent life, she wants to be married asap, she wants me to put all the effort, what exactly does she plan on doing at her end to make it all work out? Oh well, this is my rant I suppose. I’m just baffled by everything I had to put up with.

2

Re: so many complications...

you should consider another girl and her dob is big red flag.

3

Re: so many complications...

Wait, you haven't actually met yet? like face to face?

4

Re: so many complications...

Yes we met plenty of times and never had an awkward moment. We had similar interests and hobbies and up until the crash she always came off as reserved but easy going.

5

Re: so many complications...

I hope you take your time to make a decision. I feel like since there are already too many problems it might make things worse for you in the future. I know it's hard to let go of someone who spent some good times with you.
May Allah(swt) guide u into making the right decision, for you, your family, and her.
Ameen

6

Re: so many complications...

I have found, in situations like these....istikhara is the best way to go.

I was in a confusing rishta situation myself and ranted on here alot, and i was advised by many to do istikhara....even though i dont pray regularly i felt that you know what I will ask allah for guidance and leave it in his hands.

The day I did istikhara the whole thing went a certain way and somehow i managed to stay calm and mature throughout the whole thing.

7

Re: so many complications...

Well, have you brought up the point of her age mix-up, past...and how you've still managed to be flexible about things and that you feel that you're not getting the same flexibility from her? Have you asked her this? I think you should bring that up with her, if you haven't already, cuz I would be interested to hear what she has to say.

I know there are two sides to a story.....but I'd suggest moving on from her. I don't think that you've known her for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages that it would extremely difficult for you (emotionally) get over her. It seems like there's going to be a lot of drama with this girl...and I think it's annoying that she started avoiding you for a bit...and then comes rushing back to you demanding that you both should get married right away without any barriers or consideration for the opinions of other family members. To be cold one minute...and then make a huge life-altering decision the next time.......to me that seems like Bollywoodish immature thinking. It's like she wants to do whatever she wants....on just her terms. I think it's better to move on, but I understand that these things can be tricky. And as Inspiron suggested above....try praying Istikhara for guidance. Or you can wait until the families meet in person...to get a better feel of things. But right now...just based on your post....things don't sound so good.

8

Re: so many complications...

Based on what you're telling us, its best to not pursue this.

The girl seems uncommitted and a little dishonest too. At this early stage in the game, there should be no room for lying of any sort. In fact, at any stage lying is unacceptable.

She could have reached a compromise with you easily because your parents seem like they're not stubborn people...but she didnt try. She could have been honest about her age...but she wasnt. She could have asked her parents to talk to yours to at least keep things civil between both families...but she didnt.

She has not put in any effort and making this work is not only your job...its also hers.

9

Re: so many complications...

once a liar, always a liar. goli maaro.

10

Re: so many complications...

A couple of questions - did she lie about her age or did someone else lie about her age to introduce you to her? Why do you have to live with your mom? Why does your sister have to get married before you?

I'm asking these questions because maybe the disconnect between the two of you took place because your reasons for your circumstances make sense to you and are right for you, but she may have similar circumstances in her own life that makes those issues she can't live with or deal breakers. The one stand out issue is the delaying of your marriage until your sister gets married.

Sometimes, more than what a person says and does, how you present yourself and your (for lack of a better word) ultimatums/conditions/majbooriyans, makes the other person worry that they don't matter and that their worth is lower than that of the other person's own family.

11

Re: so many complications...

She's mad.

Get rid.

12

Re: so many complications...

Dude.....all girls are like that.......

Acting weird, Moodswings, Hallucinations about what you said or meant, Hating your family (especially your MOM).........you get that any case......

13

Re: so many complications...

@inspiron; As much as I would have liked it to work, I'm pretty sure she's not going to be contacting me again so there really isn't any need for istikhara at this point.

@redvelvet;

I dont like arguments, I like solutions! if she wants to move on, let her. I was thinking about emailing her the link to this thread in case she wanted to add her 2 cents in as well but I just don't want to start a 'tu', 'main' fight online.

@Sehrysh;

The people who connected us together said she was of X age, her mom said she was of Y age, so when I asked if it was X or Y, it turned out to be Z! The difference between Z-Y=4. To her credit she hadn't lied and it was a mix up with the people who connected us together. I can understand the X but I can't understand the Y.

For starters, my mom is a single parent. She will always have one of her sons with her, we're equally aware of our responsibility and are not about to leave her alone and then ship her off to a retirement community. Now, I figured if we live together then they'll (mom and wife) have an opportunity to bond and then afterwards we'll move out and get our own place. This can also be the other way around, where we live independently first (gives the couple time to bond) and then move in at a later date but however it works out with whoever it works out, I'm not leaving my mother behind. Also my mom is very understanding and can be reasoned with, she was in this with me and we're not the ones breaking it off. If there's another sensible way to achieve this, I am open to suggestions.

Sister gets married first, one reason, that's what my mom and sister want. I'm not in favour of this rule and I actually believe that whoever is ready to get married should get married but this is apprently very important to both of them so the best compromise I could get was that if my sister isn't married within a year then I wouldn't be asked to hold back anymore. By this point I was exhausted from sorting out the age and the other matter and I felt that if my family has pulled in for me then I should also give for them. I'm sure this bothered her and I would have discussed this futher with her but she just wasn't receptive and was pretty much asking me to get hitched.

14

Re: so many complications...

LOL, never said that you liked or even wanted to argue. HOWEVER....emailing her the link to this thread....could lead to her becoming a member of this site (if she isn't one already) just so that she can add her "two cents"....which could potentially start a nasty argument/drama either in this thread or outside of it.....and that's what you're saying you want to avoid.

15

Re: so many complications...

This.

16

Re: so many complications...

LOL!! Straight and direct to the point! Priceless ( I'm still giggling!!)

17

Re: so many complications...

If I'm not wrong, you're not necessarily looking for a resumption of this relationship - what you would like is to understand her actions.

So I'm going to play devil's advocate and throw out some potential reasons that may explain her actions. My first disclaimer: these reasons are pure conjecture on my part, but maybe these explanations may show you that women are complex creatures who are not one-dimensional and are not all about screwing over a guy - they have legitimate fears and concerns that explain their actions.

I've said this a number of times, it is really hard for a girl to pick up her life and move in with her in-laws. When she moves in with the in-laws, she is the "new factor" in the larger family dynamic, all else in the guy's home being the same as it was before. Any changes to the guy's household and most especially the bad ones are associated with her arrival. I cannot tell you the number of times families have said: "Is kai aanay say pehlay to aisa nahi tha." To say that the pressure is immense on a new DIL to not just gel with her husband, but also his family (parents and siblings) is an understatement. I know that socially it is an expectation of girls to move in with the in-laws, but I wonder whether guys have ever been able to fathom the pressure and the potential for conflict. You've suggested moving away at the beginning of the relationship so the two of you had an opportunity to bond before moving into the family unit - did you explore this possibility? And before people start throwing tomatoes at me, you mentioned having a brother - wouldn't it have been a viable option if your brother stayed at home with your mom and siblings while you start off your life with a clean slate. And I'm not saying that she shouldn't live with your family - but maybe like you suggested, living on your own first is good stepping stone to moving in with the family unit.

Next point: age and lying about it. You've said she was honest about it, but her family wasn't. She's older, but how much older? From my personal experience (I'll swear on a stack bibles), some moms of guys freak out if the girl is one or two years older than the guy. Their favourite line "Larki to jaldi boorhi ho jaati hai." These same mothers have no problem sending a rishta for a girl who is 7-15 years younger. They say that a younger bahu/wife can be "molded". The point I'm making is that a girl who's within a few years of the guy is in the same age cohort - her experiences are similar to the guys and they can relate to one another. Despite that, beings months and a few years older is held against her because it isn't socially acceptable. This doesn't excuse the lie, but it may explain it.

On the final point, wanting to get married now as opposed to waiting a year or until your sister gets married. Here again, it's a matter of personal choice. If she doesn't want to wait for some future event which is outside of her and your own control, that's not unreasonable. Being told your life can't start until my sister is taken care of, could make her feel like she's a lesser priority than your family - unfortunately, it sets the tone of the relationship. Some girls don't want to wait years to get married - and believe in the chat mangni, pat biyah concept. In a long engagement, things can go wrong. So the feeling is, I've invested years+ in this relationship and now it's over. She'd feel like she's wasted the time and with nothing to show for it. Added to which, tick-tock goes the biological clock. Waiting on marriage means waiting on beginning the rest of your life. I'm curious, you've got sister(s) - how would they feel if they were told, nope, can't get married until X, Y and Z happen. There's a feeling of lack of control over one's life.

What I've written above is possible explanations. Doesn't mean that it necessarily in your situation, but these are possible reasons. I'd hate for someone to be villified as a liar or as being selfish when her concerns or reluctance may very well be valid.

One last point, if she backed away and chose to not proceed with the relationship it may be because she recognized that each of you has different priorities and sees the world differently. My comments above are not to say she is right or you are wrong or vice versa - it's just to put a different spin on the story. Her decision to not proceed could have been because for her some of the issues were deal breakers. You should appreciate she was honest about that as opposed to assuming that she could change you and make you do what she wanted.

Sorry for the long post - but hopefully it shows another perspective :)

18

Re: so many complications…

Slow day at work Sehrysh? :hmmm:

19

Re: so many complications…

^ :cb: No, that was my contribution during the morning train ride. And I’m multi-tasking at work :wink:

20

Re: so many complications…

Damnit woman! Observe nature or something! :mad:

I call my morning commute (Which is like 5 minutes) my Morning-Zen time. Its dedicated purely to Reggae or Oldschool Hiphop. :o

I’ve been doing that too. Induction week my arse… They can’t stop me from wasting time! :hehe: