I have found, in situations like these....istikhara is the best way to go.
I was in a confusing rishta situation myself and ranted on here alot, and i was advised by many to do istikhara....even though i dont pray regularly i felt that you know what I will ask allah for guidance and leave it in his hands.
The day I did istikhara the whole thing went a certain way and somehow i managed to stay calm and mature throughout the whole thing.
good to see you here again.
hopefully, you are doing well.
I realize it's quite the challenge to merge into another system where the processes are different (corporations do this all the time and bring in outside consultants and still barely manage the task while upsetting many employees; so yes it's very difficult) and that's why I've always been open to her about how things were progressing on our end so she's in the loop and I also organized a meet where we (siblings) met her (siblings) [no parents] and it all went well. She even asked my siblings for their contact info so she could keep in touch with them and I was stoked! that she was showing interest. My SIL (more on SIL coming) even initiated email conversations and it was all coming along smoothly. So yes, while it's extremely difficult, I looked for ways of bridging us together so she's not a complete stranger at then end of the day. I never discussed the possibility of living separately at first and then moving in afterward because I thought she would be okay with the first scenario since she didn't raise any concerns about it initially. It doesn't mean I purposely hid this second solution from her, I am actually quite sure I would have preferred this solution myself and presented it to her once the process started to progress further.
The age factor? My SIL is four years older than my brother. Was it a problem initially, yes of course. Is my mom out to get her? absolutely not. The two of them are literally in love with each other. The only concern that comes with age is the biological clock' and on my part I spent two days researching all the issues related to child birth at an older age, the risks involved, the success rate. I even called a friend who's wife had her first child well past the ideal age (more in the risk zone) and they have a healthy child. His advise was that the mother should be healthy and most likely there would be no complications. I gather the problems are probably more widespread among women who start taking birth control pills at an early age, couple that with smoking and drinking I suppose but I'm not an expert on the matter.
The only thing I can give her is that she doesn't want to wait. That unfortunately I can't do anything about. I do wonder though if her parents had expressed interest and contacted us too, I wonder if my mom could have swayed her decision, I wonder. Yes, we've been on the receiving end of this as well and we don't throw tantrums, we continue to deal with the prospects. I just feel I went all out and she ends it because of sudden red flags and compatibility issues. If I wanted to end this I would have done it immediately after the discrepancies started appearing. I would think she could have trusted me for all the effort I put in for her, but she didn't.
@Si4e; you come across as a nice guy. And it's a shame that things didn't work out for the two of you. Unfortunately that is real life. Often times, we want something for ourself, we believe it's right for us, yet something happens that prevents our want from becoming a reality. You learn from it and you move on.
Out of curiosity, and let's pretend like this forum is an open letter to her and there was a possibility of moving forward and trying at this relationship again. If you could talk to her and tell her how you felt, can you answer the following questions:
What compromises would you like her to make?
And what compromises are you willing to make to make this relationship work?
Oh and out of curiosity, you mentioned your brother and SIL - do they live with your family and have they ever lived with your family (in a joint family system)?
I actually don't know how to fix it at this point. I'm completely drained at this point to try to stitch anything. It would be superb if somehow things worked out but it won't be an easy task at this point.
My brother lives alone and no they haven't lived with the family but I have already discussed the possibility of them moving in while I moved out and they're both perfectly okay with it. In fact, more than my brother, my SIL was excited about moving in.