so i had my nikah

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: so i had my nikah

I feel bad for the husband here...really bad.

Its like he doesn't even exist in this drama...he's an extra character and that's all.

42

Re: so i had my nikah

y u no let my post stay :teary1:

43

Re: so i had my nikah

You admitted that what you feel for your ex is just an infatuation. That said, stop calling it "love"....because the two emotions don't even come close. This may sound silly, but I feel that if you keep calling it "love"...you'll be stuck in that mind-frame and delay the process of moving on. Call it for what it is....an infatuation.

I think you also mentioned that you had a pretty turbulent on and off relationship with your ex. It it wasn't a healthy situation back then, what actually makes you think you'd be happy with him if you had married him? If you guys kept breaking up...was he all that in "love" with you and was he THAT great of a guy? That's something to think about. Rather than dwelling on only the positive things about him .....reflect over his more negative qualities as well to put things in perspective. You had said that he doesn't feel the same way about you. Maybe it's THIS point along with him being "the one that got away"....that's causing you to feel more passionately about him. But if you think about it....if he truly loved you, you would have had a healthier relationship with him (not something on and off) and he'd actually be with you now. You're stuck in a fantasy....where you somehow think that a guy who can't manage to be a good boyfriend will be an awesome husband....and this fantasy of yours is keeping you stuck in the past.......it's robbing you of your present and hurting others in the process too. While you go around daydreaming about him and killing yourself over how you're not with him........he probably doesn't care and is living his life happily. You're giving him that much power over you.

I think that spending time with your husband AND thinking about your ex more objectively (as in his flaws, etc)...will help you move on. Also, try to keep yourself busy...so you're not thinking about him as much. Or use the time you otherwise spend on him....on connecting with your husband instead.

44

Re: so i had my nikah

Desi people should allow arrange dating and that may help in deciding right potential before nikkah. It is just my opinion, you may disagree.

45

Re: so i had my nikah

I don't get it why these girls don't speak up when it is time to talk and later complain and make the guy and parents look like some evil being being. I am with Reha and Sahar on this one, I feel bad for the poor guy who is marrying a pretty much self centered girl.

46

Icicle sweety, are you a recent graduate of the Bombshellbabe school of trolling? IJW that's all.

47

Re: so i had my nikah

I don't think she's trying to make the guy look evil. She's already said that he's a good person, etc. Maybe she did speak up....but was pressured by her parents. Most of the blame would go to her because she has the ultimate say in the matter....regardless of pressure. But if they did indeed pressure her (which can entail threats, blackmailing, guilt-tripping)....I don't think that's any sawab ka kaam either....so some amount of the blame would go to them, IF that's what happened.

I've heard of such cases and I'm not going to judge her because emotions are complicated. We don't know how well she got to know her husband prior to the shadi....or even how much effort she put into it. She's stuck in the past and she needs to look at her ex more objectively...to not see him as someone perfect...but to actually reflect over his flaws and how unhappy she was with him. She couldn't have been entirely happy with a guy whom she had an "on and off" relationship with for 7 some years. And then she needs to decide what she wants. If she wants to give this marriage a shot....then she needs to make the effort to get to know her husband, connect with him, redirect her thoughts about her ex in a more positive direction. Or if she's absolutely certain that she can't get over her ex....who doesn't give a damn about her....then she needs to end the marriage. This latter possibility, considering how our culture/society views divorce, comes with tough consequences which will be aggravated by the fact that he's a cousin and thus cause tension within the family. She needs to think about pros and cons and weigh her decisions. I do sympathize with her because I know how hard it can be to reconcile your mind and your heart. I hope you find some peace of mind soon, OP.

48

Re: so i had my nikah

Agree..

I wouldn't blame her if she was pressured into it but at 24 how can someone willingly agree to a nikah with a partner they don't find attractive AT ALL and then complain afterwards?? And I wonder how the OP would feel if she heard her husband say the thought of sleeping with her makes him want to throw up..

49

Re: so i had my nikah

RV ur right on point with every single thing u've said. thanks for the advice i will try to follow it.
and for those of u who think what i did was wrong. i do agree...ultimately i shouldnt have agreed but do u guys know how persuasive mom and family can be??? they were suggesting these weirdo guys that i had no idea who they were so then i figured y not my cousin that i know n can trust.

and i would never tell my husband how i feel abt him....thats y i'm writing out/figuring out/and trying to work thru my feelings via an anonymous forum. and all of you are right. i do appreciate the sincere advice/comments. thanks

RV ur right...its a matter of reconciling the heart and mind...and boy those r difficult things but i am trying.

p.s for all those who think i'm trolling...errr i read these forums too and there's a lota trolling so i would be paranoid too. but troll threads usually show thru eventually.

50

Re: so i had my nikah

YOU know your cousin...YOU can trust him....YOU didn't want to be married to some weirdo.

What about him? Did he marry the weirdo?

Does he count at all?

Your posts need to be mindful of the fact that your life is now connected to someone else's in a way where it will never be the same again.

51

Re: so i had my nikah

And you women wonder why us men consider you all psycho. This is why. THIS IS WHY!!!

52

Re: so i had my nikah

I don't think anything further than nikkah has been done ... Wait until you rukhsati ... That is when you will get what you are looking for.

53

Re: so i had my nikah

Read this, i found it very useful!!
When You Think, "I Don't Love Him" | HuffPost Life](When You Think, "I Don't Love Him" | HuffPost Life)

54

Re: so i had my nikah

pretty sure us women think women are crazy too or at least I do...

55

Re: so i had my nikah

when did that happen??

56

Re: so i had my nikah

I do feel sorry for the bloke, you and your family have tricked him into this marriage. You really are a conniving bunch of so and sos why don't you go and marry the person you feel attracted to rather than deceiving others in the name of marriage?

57

Re: so i had my nikah

First things first.....stop calling your husband 'cousin'. Basic labels like these pretty much define a relationship - so stop it. Secondly communicate with your husband because it's key in any given relationship, and that will make you feel closer to him. And thirdly, count your blessings because your husband seems so much better than the last guy you were with.

Follow the advice RV has given - the girl makes alot of sense.

58

Re: so i had my nikah

No dont go for a divorce yet...let me help you. First of all, tell me do you talk to your husband? dont you feel attracted to his personality at all ( I am not talking about his looks)? Try to get to know him better

Second about "the other guy", did you ever tell him you liked or loved him? What was his response? How do you know he did not like you? Did he tell you that himself?

Answer these two questions and I will tell you what to do next. IF you dont feel comfortable sharing your story on the forums PM me

59

Re: so i had my nikah

Personally I can understand if you have grown up in the west that u dont feel attracted at all to him because he is ur cousin. In the end I think thats ur problem, that its ur cousin, and u cant get over the fact that u are related to him and that grosses u out. Honestly I would feel the same. If this cousin thing is bothering u so much, I dont see how u will solve this problem because that fact isn't going away ever. I dont want to be rude, but I think u really made wrong decision when u agreed to marry him. Because now u are in situation which is much more complicated than it would have been if u have just said "no" in the beginning.

But now when u are married. I definitively would say do not have kids for couple years. I found it odd when some people thinks getting a child will solve problems in their marriage...because well usually thats not the solution and u will just complicate innocent child`s life.

For now I would recommend you think really deeply about ur marriage with him and find whats the problem in it. And if its the fact that u feel actually grossed out to be with ur husband* because he is ur cousin*. I would say that you should divorce him because Im pretty sure u wont feel attracted to him ever if this cousin thing is bothering u. In the end you will ruin his chance to be happy, your own chance to be happy and ur future kids chance to have happy family if you stay in this marriage even when your own husband grosses you out.

But if this cousin thing isn't bothering you, I would say just give him a chance. I think u guys have not known each other long time? So get to know him and his likes and dislikes. Spend time with him. And I think after awhile you will see if he is meant for you.

Good luck:)