Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
I love this thread.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
Not too long ago there was this view (in this forum) that the female posters here give advice because of their own insecurities.
Someone actually said that! and people consider me rude.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
ufff Nadz can you believe that this situation can bring you to the stage where you don't have any 'turning back'? Me and my ex-husband (who recently has divorced me) used to have serious arguments and the result came out in the form of separation (unfortunately) I didn't want this because I have a 1 year old daughter but he never cared and gave me divorce. He got the full support of his mother. Bottom line is that
1: you can't expect your inlaws (specially your MIL) that she will take your side at any cost even then if you are fair. She will believe on whatever her son tells her. So never ever try to argue with her.
2: If you want to make your husband realize that he should control his anger bla bla then try not to be sarcastic. In husband wife relationship one has to be quiet for sometime. you both can discuss your feelings later on but don't try to push things to him. this will only make the situation worse. he will start involving his family and everyone will be against you.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
ok update-
well i did speak to mum. what happened 2 days back, was that usually i spend money that is in our draw in our room, he doesnt mind or expect me to tell him what im buying, thats one good thing about him. ok but cos he was angry about our fight he told me not to touch his money and spend my own...i kept quiet but after hed gone i foned mum and told her all about it. she made me think and asked me to think carefully about what happened because even she said kay woh to aisa nahi hai, something mustve happened....anyway so if even my own mum was saying it i had to think. and what i think he did was slapped my back....it wasnt as hard as it cudve been, it didnt hurt after. i follwed that by putting my hands around his neck and hitting him, as women do, and ripped off his buttons. and he sat down and i ran off to tell his mum.
ok so when i told this to my mum she said i sounded worse than him and although he shudnt have done anything at all to provoke me we were both in the wrong. i then spoke to him because i know he wouldnt speak to me for a long time. firstly he wouldnt talk, or even look at me, the more i tried to talk to him the more i saw him soften abit.
so we had a talk, and i told him u dnt respect me, he said u dnt resxpect me, so weve made a pact to statrt changing abit. he said he will. although i did make ALL the moves he just kinda agreed. he then hugged me, was nice. but im still feeling like although its solved for the time being, he may not change in the long term.
today i had a stomach ache i cried he came to me, i then vomited all over him. think i ate something funny. he did look after me. we seemed better today almost normal.
but the real underlying issue still seems to be there. i still think hel go back to his usual self.
there is one thing thats bothgering me is that when he was angry he did say we are not moving back to uk i dnt care now and i dnt want to either blah blah....he sounded serious. and im now troubled. he said a wife should stay where her husband is, wherever he is. and we are staying in pak.
im hoping, praying he only said it in anger. im not sure now. i dnt kno what to do, still i feel lost. his mum just ppppppes me off, shes a meethi choorri and im sure shes brainwashing him slowly....
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
GLADDD!!! Now, don't be worried about moving back to UK bit just yet. Take care of yourself and the relationship. You guys need a lot of time and attention to bond again and completely get over what happened, once and for all.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
I honestly think you should stop bringing up the UK issue, it is not going anywhere. While you expect him to change, you need to change yourself too , who knows he might be thinking "I know she won't change." Anyway, I am glad you guys have made up. :)
Also, if he doesn't have a job, I would suggest you to watch your spending.
Rest, I am sure if you keep respecting him and supporting him, MIL can't do much brain washing.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
to those who think i write one post and run off....thats cos IM IN PAKISTAN. we have BIJLI CRISIS i cant turn on the net anytime i want, and im at my inlaws i think theyl find more to talk about if they see me sitting on the laptop all day. so i try my best come ome when theres bijli and whens im free.
cheers.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
i hope your husband finds a job soon and that you support all his efforts. that's the key to so many things. feeling unable to support their families weighs very heavy on guys. think about moving to islamabad or lahore may to explore more job options. all places are relatively close by.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
he is looking in islamabad, but its not easy.
i dono, just want him to stick to his word that in 3 yrs we will go back. because now hes turned against it. is it ok for me to move then alone? he says i can. but its not il be happy for u to..its moreif u wana go, go, whatever....
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
he is looking in islamabad, but its not easy.
i dono, just want him to stick to his word that in 3 yrs we will go back. because now hes turned against it. is it ok for me to move then alone? he says i can. but its not il be happy for u to..its moreif u wana go, go, whatever....
nadz baji: do sabar. Allah is surely with you. i know, it is difficult for you but look at other positive aspect of your husband.
hopefully, he will get a job. InshaAllah.
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
jst support ur level best for these 3 years , with in this time dont talk much abt going back to uk so he can fully concentrate on finding a suitable job n som bread butter for u .
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
girl.. no body taught you to bite your tongue? marriages survive when one stays quiet and other vents...
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
he is looking in islamabad, but its not easy.
i dono, just want him to stick to his word that in 3 yrs we will go back. because now hes turned against it. is it ok for me to move then alone? he says i can. but its not il be happy for u to..its moreif u wana go, go, whatever....
Honestly, I sometimes feel you are making a big issue on "place". I have seen a marriage of 15 years go down the drain just because wife made a huge issue to move back to states. At the end she lost everything.
My mother has done so much travelling with my father both within and outside Pakistan, there were places she didn't prefer but she never made any issues out out it.
There is lot of time in three years, so you just need to chill.
Re: So he hit me…advise now.
Feel sorry for the poor guy. He was about to get rid of his troubles but now you are back again 
Okay on a serious note, i think YOU have no intention of changing. What do you contribute to his life other than giving birth to his kids and you expect him to lead his life to please you. I have a relative with very similar situation, his wife keeps provoking him about every single thing, when he cannot take it any longer and decides to leave her, she starts making excuses and seeking forgiveness. Every 3-4 months this drama goes on.
Re: So he hit me…advise now.
Yeah…because you know…having a man’s children isn’t important at all. :k:
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
Just like you're so worried about your MIL brainwashing your husband.....imagine how "brainwashed" your own family would be if they were the type to believe every thing you said right away. You do tend to rush the venting and if you don't work on this...it could really come back to bite you one day.
You're pregnant and he should be more careful about how he behaves with you. But when you grabbed his neck and ripped of his buttons....WHAT IF he had gotten so angry that he had pushed you harder...and as a result hurt the baby? Sure, you can't justify physical abuse....but let's face it...our own actions do (to an extent) affect how others behave. It's like a domino-effect. The mental stress can't be good for the baby either, can it? Such as worrying over whether or not his mommy is brainwashing him......forget it...you can't control her. It's not fair to put it all on him that he should be more caring toward his prego wife.........PREGO WIFE needs to be mindful of her pregnant state as well. Little ones are also more perceptive than adults give them credit for. That said, none of this healthy for your little girl either...let alone the unborn child.
If someone is going around badmouthing u...but your own positive actions contradict their words (actions do speak louder than words)...then eventually people don't take the one who is complaining seriously..their words lose value, if that makes sense. You can't stop your MIL from saying whatever she wants about you....but you do have more control over your own actions, Nadz, and how you come across to others. You can either behave in a way that contradicts your MIL's complaining about you and makes her look like the one who's got the problem.....or you can behave in a way that confirms her views about you. Strengthening your marriage (as opposed to turning him off) is more likely to make your husband open to your concerns (moving back, etc).
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
^That doesnt give her a right to become a constant nuisance.
Re: So he hit me…advise now.
^
Oh I KNOW. 
Funnily enough though, the same can be said for you. Do carry on. 
Re: So he hit me.....advise now.
Hey Nadz
I'm new on the forum and this post seemed very interesting to me. I went back and read your older posts to get somewhat of a background story. I can relate to you because I live in the US and my husband is from Pakistan. He has agreed to move here for now but always says he doesn't want to stay here for long so that always brings some fear for me because I don't want to move back to Pakistan. I have only had my nikkah yet and not ruksati but we have had several fights and differences over when to have the ruksati as he is also only a year older than me (i'm 25) and he's still establishing himself. Being here and trying to organize functions there is not easy so I have tried to get him to compromise and help me out but its not happening because normally he is always nice but when it comes to stuff like this I feel that he leaves my side instantly and jumps on the opposing side.
Its EXTREMELY hard to marry someone who lives in an entirely different culture and comes from a different background but please for the sake of your children you have to learn to be patient because not now but later this will affect your kids. I understand and hate it when people say girl always has to compromise but at the end of the day its the truth and would you rather be single and raise two kids or change yourself and have a father who loves them. I have lost my father to cancer and know that living without one is unbearable so please do not cause distances between you two and if anything think about your daughter and your child-to-be. You have to think from their perspective now that you are a mom and not your own because at the end of the day its their life that will get ruined.
It seems that your husband is caring if not provoked. My husband is the same way. He will stay calm and not be mad unless I provoke him a lot. I think you have trouble admitting that you may be provoking him for a lot of his actions and that's fine because admitting that is hard, I know I don't want to admit it a lot and get very defensive too. But you need to admit it and try to stay calm instead of over-reacting.
As much as you might hate to read this but women make or break a home. Men can act/say stupid things because it may be harder for them to control or think about what they might be saying or doing but YOU have the power to control yourself. You are smarter than that! Drive your strength from your daughter and the fact that you yourself stated how much he loves her. Whether he expresses it or not...he loves you a lot. So please try to occupy yourself in your surroundings and try not to let the in laws get to you.
I hope things are still going well for you :)