I want your opinion on what I should do? My mum’s relative has asked for my hand in marriage for their son, I have always thought about getting married from outside of family. The family is really nice but sometimes crazy (like all families are). However, I thought maybe the parents are forcing their son to say yes. So, I started talking to him on the phone and texting and found out that he really likes me and he was the one who had asked his family to speak with my parents.
My dad now says that this is a good proposal because it is from within the family and we know them quite well. My brothers keep saying that this is not a good proposal and we should reject them. The reason is only because my brothers think that the family always lies about stuff. My parents believe in destiny. They say this is all for the best.
So, in conclusion my parents are quite satisfied with this proposal but my brothers and sis in laws are not. What should I do?
When I speak to my cousin I get the feeling that he sometimes does lie. For example whatever we talk about, he goes and tells everything to his mum. His mum then mentions it to me when I ask him if he has told his mum he says ‘no promise I have not’… L Also, his mum tells me not to tell him something and then goes and tells him herself.
I am so depressed..
My 1st post here - my advice to you would be to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. I speak from experience. If he's lying to you and on top of that confides in his mum, you will always be on a back-foot in your marriage. There will always be 3 people in your marriage - you, him and his mum. She'll always interfere. Mark my words. There's plenty more fish in the sea. Don't jump into getting married - you have your whole life ahead of you. If you are in any doubt whatsoever - dont marry him. That doubt is your gut instinct. If he's lying to you now - imagine what he will do after marriage?
May Allah swt guide you to what is best for you. Ameen.
thank u for you advice guys... i am depressed because i want to listen to my parents and hope that their decision is right...but on the other hand, i also think my brothers are right...
thank u for you advice guys... i am depressed because i want to listen to my parents and hope that their decision is right...but on the other hand, i also think my brothers are right...
I never used to like my cousin mainly because i thought he was immature. I always wanted someone fairly religious (who reads namaz 5 times atleast), mature and caring....
After talking to him and texting, i realised hes still immature but hes loving and caring...
im 50/50...
he MIGHT stop lying, He MIGHT mature a bit...and he MIGHT start praying 5 times...
I know they are big MAYBES....im confused...I was happy at first..but now when i think about all this I get very sad...
No you're not. You already know what the right response to the proposal is, but you seem to be too afraid to admit it, which is why you are considering to accept a lot of Maybes. You should not.
Did you to him directly about backbiting of him and his mother? Sometimes these kind a folks who lie in your face become very annoying.Life gets very tough.
I'm not sure why u r ** Depress*, you should be happy that you figure them out before jumping in. I'm serious, please look at the positive side. I know it will be hard to tell parents but use your brothers to tell your parents, talk to your mom and explain . **BUT BE HAPP*Y.
In my personal
experience.. Any guy who can't keep things private and share everything to MOM
is big time MAMA's boy and he will not care for your feelings and future will
be very dark... I wouldn't even give him a chance. If he can do this much
before getting married think about horror after marriage... Honey safe your self from future trouble..
Even if you do bring this in front of parents, they will not consider it to be too much to reject the proposal as it looks like they have already made up their mind. I wouldnt have mind how the family is and how is MIL etc if the person you are getting married to is right for you. But really has doubts about this guy who goes on share things like that with his mum.
We normally fend off our younger generation judgements, but i found out more often they are better decision makers as they know their generation better than parents.
Apart from above, ask yourself if you like him enough to spend life together. If you think he is the right one for you, then other things are secondary.
The fact that you're getting "depressed" and "sad" at the thought of marrying him is proof enough that it's not a good idea. Would your brothers have a word with your parents if you don't think you can convince them on your own?
Are you attracted to this guy in terms of marriage or do you only like him as a cousin and nothing more than that? What kind of a guy do you want....and does he meet those requirements or no? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Does his lying bother you that much? Trust is important in a marriage and only you can determine if this habit of his is not a big deal for you or if it's an issue. I'm not trying to sway you against this rishta....but it doesn't matter whether it's the husband or the wife that is in the habit of reporting every minute detail about their relationship to a parent or sibling......either way such a habit can be harmful to the marriage....as parents/siblings tend to be very defensive.
As for your parents saying that this rishta is "qismat"......don't get swayed by that. A rishta will become more your qismat when both parties agree to the rishta and a marriage takes place. Until then.....your cousin and any other guy is more like candidate or a possibility and not something set in stone. Not every rishta that comes....be it from within the family or outside....will be compatible or result in marriage.
If you're unsure about this guy, then you need to let your parents know that you're taking the time to get to know him, but it's not a guarantee that you'll agree to the rishta. If you don't want to marry him....let your parents know. If parents create a fuss...get the support of your brothers abd sisters in trying to reason with them. Hopefully they'll refuse the rishta and if not, then you'll have to talk to your cousin and let him know. There could be some emotional blackmail and tension from your own family and the guy's....but in the event you're certain you don't want to marry him...then you'll have to face this and not be manipulated by it.
Again....I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't marry him. It's your decision to make. If you're unsure...take your time. Just consider the long-term consequences of whatever you decide. You say that this guy is caring. "Caring" and respect should also be reflected in his actions and not just the sweet words he says to you. So reflect over whether or not his actions match up with his words.
Thanks guys...
My brothers would not say anything to my parents because their wives have asked them not to get involved. I thought I did like him but because he keeps telling his mum everything I dont know if I will be able to deal with it... My mum says that if we say no to this family then how do we know if we will get someone better? I feel like my parents are jus trying to get rid of me :(
My sis in laws do not want me to get married yet because they say they would like me to help them with their children... (I am not their salve) I know I am just blabbing on but i am trying to explain the circumstances to you guys....
If someone brings a proposal from outside of family, my brothers dont want to meet them and rejects them.. This thing really annoys my mum because she does not like to force my brothers and sis in laws to come n meet the guests....
