Situation...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Your Hubby has told you basically he doesnt love you, never has. He married out of necessity and for sake of parents happiness.

Random Events take place that means he is in a bad mood all the time. You have learnt to live with that. Things are tight money wise and hence there is no room for spending. You have learnt to deal with the relationship but small episodes make u mad. You try and live your life that if u dont make these people happy then god will not be happy with you. So how would you have dealt with the following:

On the weekend a maid comes to clean the house you live in a joint family arrangement which you are fine with. You MIL asks you to go upstairs where the maid is as there is no one upstairs.

You go and sit in your room with the laptop all happy no issues there. Your hubby comes in and says what the hell is the point of being upstairs when you are going to sit on the laptop all day. Because of that he stays angry at you for 4 days. He doesnt give you a chance to explain and well he is very emotionless and hated people showing emotion and basically mocks you each time you try so you dont do that anymore.

So fine I have learnt that I should get better instructions in relation to supervising cleaning lady in the future and will do that in the future as in should i be following her around etc etc. We live in the UK and well it seems a bit awkward for me to be keeping a close eye on her etc etc.

So then I have thought that okay I will clean my own room from now on so she wont have to do it. And get better instructions from MIL. Its just that when he is like that for four days i hate it cause I feel angry at all the sacrifices and all the bad history between us. MIL doesnt know about stuff as hubby is different around her and expects me to be all happy etc but its the same crap as soon as he is in the room

Any objective advice.

I dont need self pity etc. I need to know what I can do in the future to avoid being in this situation.

2

This sentence of yours was quite shocking. Are you a robot who will take instructions and then will follow them religiously otherwise MIL and hubby will get angry. It’s nice to respect your inlaws and hubby in fact respect should be there in all the relationship , but to this extent ? Anyway I really don’t know what to advise you so that you don’t end up in same situation again. To me you were not wrong , you didn’t do a mistake so what can you correct ? It’s him you needs to be corrected. I don’t think you can do anything to avoid such situation in future because it’s not in your hands. Problem is not with you , it’s with others.

Best is to ignore. Thats all I can say. May be other people on GS will come up with a better advise but if you can’t honestly communicate with your husband and he is not willing to understand you or your situation and you choose to live in all this then the only thing you can do is ignore. Just think that he doesn’t exist. Make your self busy when you are in an uneasy situation , do cooking , gardening anything that will make you happy.

My best wishes :hugz:

3

Re: Situation…

Get a divorce. The ******* is not worth it. A man who does not treat his wife with respect and kindness is a horrible Muslim and human being. This will only drive you insane. Your husband is a **** up.

4

Re: Situation…

^ CM - I didn’t want to jump to that advise. But everything you said is true :k:

5

Divorce isn’t haram. If someone admits they don’t love you and are bent on ruining your life, there’s nothing you can do.

Yup.

6

Re: Situation…

I dont see your mistake quite honestly speaking. From what you wrote, I dont see how you did anything wrong. You’re in your own home, sitting on a laptop in your house is not a crime. Its actually something people do. So, I dont see an issue there.

I dont want to say “leave him”…the last thing anyone wants to see is a marriage break apart.

Do you see any hope? Do you feel you can change him with kindness and love? Do you want to? This incident means nothing in the bigger picture so dont focus on this. Ignore this but listen to your instincts and let them guide you.

Marriage counselor might help also.

7

Divorce is not an option. I guess I sometimes think that when you become a mom your love, care and respect for your child is endless. When they are young and you have to feed them and cloth them you give up your rights to fulfill your duty as a mother. You do not give up on the child. No Matter what, even if they have given you nothing but grief you still love them beyond all other things. Their actions might make you angry but at the end of the day you still love them, so how can I have the same relationship here without having any expectations from the other side and still love him and respect him.

Divorce is not haram but recently reading some posts i feel like i have it not better but easier than most. I mean hubby does not beat me, does not drink etc. so therefore just because there is no love or emotion i cannot give up.

How can I attain that relationship without expecting anything in return, whether it is respect or whatever…

8

Re: Situation…

You have to work on yourself. :slight_smile:

Your accomplishments and confidence will give you the self-esteem you need to survive. So do something productive with your spare time. Take classes, get a job, do volunteer work, start a self-help group for women who might be going through something similar so you all can draw on each others’ strengths in a time of need. Volunteer work actually does help for some odd reason…very therapeutic.

There are a lot of things you can do but the bottom line is…once you feel better about yourself as a person…his tantrums wont matter much and eventually he will (begrudgingly) begin to respect you. You will become stronger and better able to handle situations with him.

9

Re: Situation…

A bad marriage can destroy ones self-esteem and self worth. To be honest sometimes working on yourself is not possible as the other person is just a dick.

Firstly who the **** marries out of necessity? What he couldn’t get a whore? Seriously, that fact that he says that alone is grounds for you up and leaving him.

Look you are one of those women who will only find fault in yourself when the person at fault is your husband. Since I know you won’t listen I will just say you are going make yourself crazy in such a situation.

There are some situations where you show patience and wisdom. Others you walk out and gone on with your life. You are in such a situation.

Patience and wisdom will not help your situation.

10

Re: Situation…

^ I’m impressed, CM :k:

11

Re: Situation…

Do you see any hope? even slightest of hope? Is he like this from day one? Did you ever tried finding out the reason behind it? not that it will justify his behavior but it will help you better deal with him

12

Re: Situation…

Interesting isn’t it that women only agree with me when I am bashing the husband? :smiley:

13

I agree.

The fact that he said he married you out of necessity … it’s degrading. That’s why a person should always think 10 times before vocalizing what they may be feeling. You will carry it in your heart forever. He’s destroying your self-esteem … but only because you are allowing him to. Slowly start taking charge and control of your life.

14

Nobody is pitying you. The only thing that bothers me is your low self-esteem. There’s a saying that “You teach people how to treat you.” So, if you’re always showing people that you’re a doormat who is willing to compromise and change herself for others…then that’s how you’ll be treated. If you show that you will not be taken advantage of and that you demand respect…others will think twice about treating you like dirt.

I don’t think that I personally could stay with someone like that. But…if you plan to stay with him…then I support Reha’s advice that you need to keep yourself busy with uplifting and healthy activities and develop yourself. Apart from that I think that you need to talk to your husband. If you fear becoming emotional and weepy in front of him…then write a letter.

Tell him that you had no idea that by marrying you he was only USING YOU to make his parents happy. Tell him that Islamically the best husband is one who is kindest to his wife…and that his frequent negative moods are further destroying the marriage. Tell him that giving someone the cold shoulder is not a mature grown-up way of dealing with issues. And then tell him that you expect to be treated with respect and that this would include mature and calm communication. And tell him that if he can’t manage that…you don’t care to respond to him. If he starts yelling (not mature)…you’ll simply walk away. If he gives a cold shoulder…you won’t go chasing after him. Tell him that. That’s an objective enough message. And then go about your life. Maybe the loser will develop some respect for you once he sees that you’re a strong woman with a busy life and not some push-over.

15

No that’s not the point. It was a serious post…not a goofy or crude one.

16

^i agree with all of this. this is probably the best advice here.

if there is no love, there is no attraction. if there is no attraction, there is no marriage. its simple as that. you are only screwing up yourself by living with this man who is acting like a stranger towards you. think to yourself: does he really deserve a woman like me? no, he does not. there are many men for you to choose, and you’re with the wrong one who hardly gives a crap about you. you deserve much better then that pile of crap of respect he gives you.

17

I don’t agree with you all. Aren’t all arranged marriages out of necessity?

My husband said the same thing to me when we got married … that I don’t love you, its just cuz of my parents and I was like WTH and yes, he was a jerk at that time, totally immature… sorry to say. Then he just changed over two years… he loves me like crazy now, MashaAllah… and I have gotten to know him, he has his faults yes… but he is a good guy, just a bit insensitive sometimes… so yes, people do change… I guess my husband grew up and realized I am a great wife ;).

Anyways, what my strategy has been that I do not take crap from him, sure I give lots of respect and love to my in-laws and they reciprocate it and I did sacrifice a lot in the first 2 years, but I always showed him that I was an independent person, totally self-confident who loved myself :smiley: and nothing he said would damage my self-esteem… he DOES NOT control me… if I listen to him and do what he says, its out of respect, not out of fear or duty. I also stand up for myself, and I argue with him a lot, with logic of course… no irrational arguments.

I have also been kind of brainwashing him, like when he says Life is so tough and crappy, I’m living here away from my parents, they miss me so much… I go like yes, and look at me, my poor parents know they will never have me back… I can’t even go live with them anymore while we will inshaAllah have yours living with us soon… you have to vocalize your feelings on everything he says, everything he does.

You have to communicate with him all the time and make him realize that you’re a human being with feelings and not some object. I hope you get what I’m saying… use emotional dialogues or whatever, but make him realize every second of the day that you’re a human being, just like him, his mother, his sisters, etc. Good luck!

P.S. If nothing works, then you’d be better off getting a divorce.

18

just hilarious.

life throws curve-balls at everyone. but by and large, most of us get what we deserve based on our attitudes to life, and idea of self-esteem.

19

Do you have children? Your post is not clear on that.

20

Re: Situation…

If you ask me I wouldn’t suggest a divorce. I actually agree with what MIA had to say. I don’t really care if he married you out of necessity or whatever it may be he did marry you and he has to listen to you. Next time he has issues with you tell him to talk it out with you and listen to you and if he doesn’t want to do it with you then you’re gonna go take it to your MIL and don’t mind telling her everything. If he treats you differently in front of your MIL then put him on the spot right there that you were so upset 10 mins ago in the room what happend now or why were you upset 10 mins ago. Stuff like that and that way he’ll kno he can’t treat you differently in front of his parents.