Did it seem like he liked/loved you in the beginning but after time the love went away? Or has the marriage been like this from day 1?
How old is your husband?? The way he is acting seems very immature.
I think you need to talk to him and see a marriage counselor. That's the best advice that can be given if you want to work on your marriage. Ask him that if he never loved you, then did you at least prove to be a good wife- care for him, his family, and their needs? I would be shocked if he wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt after this question is asked. If he doesn't feel any guilt, continues to say that he doesn't love you, you're not a good wife... then tell him that he isn't a good husband either and say why. And tell the truth to his parents... that you've been pretending your marriage is great but it isn't and you can't continue to act. Tell them what he said to you. Give some sort of ultimatum- that you want to work on your marriage but the only way you can do that is if their son is open to marriage counseling. If you have kids and your in-laws are nice, hopefully you'll get some support from them.
I agree with some of the posters here... you're a doormat. Maybe your husband doesn't beat you, but you let him walk all over you, treat you like crap. That's still emotional abuse. I agree with Reha, do something productive to get your self-esteem back. One isn't lower than the other, so no one deserves to be treated like that. If he didn't want to marry you, then he shouldn't have. He probably wasn't forced to, at most he was pressured and could have said no. Now he's punishing you for his decision, which you don't deserve.
If things don't improve after trying EVERYTHING, then leave him. If you don't want to go for a divorce then at least try separation... sometimes a trial separation is needed for a marriage to work. If you have kids, do it for their sake so that they don't see their parents like this. And tell him that he should be a man... if he couldn't be man enough to not marry you, then he should be a man now and let you out of his life gracefully.
Divorce is not an option. I guess I sometimes think that when you become a mom your love, care and respect for your child is endless. When they are young and you have to feed them and cloth them you give up your rights to fulfill your duty as a mother. You do not give up on the child. No Matter what, even if they have given you nothing but grief you still love them beyond all other things. Their actions might make you angry but at the end of the day you still love them, so how can I have the same relationship here without having any expectations from the other side and still love him and respect him.
jezz...leave this* mamta* thingy for your kids.. u r Not his MOM
here u r dealing with an adult... and need to work with him on equality basis ...it doesnt matter he loves u or not, u r his Wife, show your RIGHT on him, and MAKE him to stop treating you like a crap...its in your hands...
u stayed quiet for a while its good but it wont do any good for you or for your kids in future...
do u have an option to live out of this joint family?
I don't even know your husband but I seriously wanna slap the **** out of him. If you don't have kids, I would seriously look into getting out of that madman's sight. If you have kids, look into getting custody and getting out of that madman's sight.
No one can help you if you choose to settle for a marriage without love or forget love, just friendship. You don't seem to be even raged by his action, u r coaxing yourself to believe that he needs to be loved unconditionally and he could have been a worse person and u have it somewhat better than other people. Don't make excuses for his behavior and justify it to yourself because if u do, you will never see him as the idiot that he is.He may have married you out of necessity but it gives him no right to treat you the way he does. I think the reason he stays upset with you is because he kNOWS hes being insanely rude and obnoxious with u and you take it all without ever calling him out. He doesn't see that as noble of you to put up with his crap, he probably sees you as weak and spineless person and therefore he feels the need to not respect you at all. You should def listen to the guppy who told u to go out and get a life, make yourself busy, gain some confidence in yourself, learn to respect yourself enough to stand up to him and tell him his crap will not fly. Some indecent moronic people pick on weak broken people who have low self esteem and they keep on picking on them until the victim fights back. If divorce isnt an option, then just build your own life and he can choose to be or not to be a part of it. Once he sees u don't need him in any possible way like he makes u feel right now, he might realize what an a** he's been.
I agree with CM. Talk to the family about your feelings and leave if they're not willing to act like adults. The fact that women put up with this behavior enables people to keep acting like idiots.
If he has issues with expressing emotions, then address things from a rational perspective. Talk to him about building a healthy relationship for the sake of the children because you want to give them the best nurturing care that both a father and mother can only provide.
I think it may be interesting to tell him all his good qualities and suggest that you spend more time togeather, as a couple.
I also wonder if he is seeing someone else, because this necessity dialogue isnt usually dregged out of bollywood beyond that. If he mentions it again, tell his mother.
In the end I assure you, that your cildren will respect a strong mother rather than a doormat. You teach your kids self esteem through your behaviours - and you do not want some ide aof self sacrifice to sabotage the very life of the kids you are trying to protect.
**A bad marriage can destroy ones self-esteem and self worth. To be honest sometimes working on yourself is not possible as the other person is just a dick.
Firstly who the **** marries out of necessity? What he couldn't get a whore? Seriously, that fact that he says that alone is grounds for you up and leaving him.**
Look you are one of those women who will only find fault in yourself when the person at fault is your husband. Since I know you won't listen I will just say you are going make yourself crazy in such a situation.
There are some situations where you show patience and wisdom. Others you walk out and gone on with your life. You are in such a situation.
Patience and wisdom will not help your situation.
Totally agree..
I didn't want to say this but a couple of guys I know were also like this and married girls they didn't really like just to please their parents.. neither of them is faithful to his other half.. in both cases they are seeing other girls on the side and using excuses like 'I didn't want to marry her anyway' and 'I was never attracted to her, just did it to get my parents off my case.' Those girls who think being a 'martyr' and putting up with this sort of attitude in the name of duty or honour or whatever or are hoping he'll change and suddenly fall in love with them are being naive.. I'm not saying they'll never change cos obviously sometimes they do but pls don't kid urselves into thinking they definitely will.. Even I hear mothers saying 'oh, he wasn't attracted to her but he loves her now', not knowing their sons are still sleeping with their old girlfriends..
I didn't want to say this but a couple of guys I know were also like this and married girls they didn't really like just to please their parents.. **neither of them is faithful **to his other half.. in both cases they are seeing other girls on the side and using excuses like 'I didn't want to marry her anyway' and 'I was never attracted to her, just did it to get my parents off my case.'
That's what I was wondering too but I didn't want to say it. If her marriage continues like this, I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on her... if he hasn't already :(
Had a very similar case in the family. There was a lot of emotional harassment amongst other things from the guy, his dad+ his sisters....the situation got worse with time.....no matter what the girl did, or did not do or ignored or tried to avoid doing anything wrong, it always ended in a huge fight as the guy & his family ALWAYS found stuff to fight over, blame the girl and made her feel guilty about everything although it was never her fault...
The girl separated very early in the marriage....although divorce is last resort but it is allowed in Islam...
(you might say divorce over this issue.....but there were a lot of other things involved which were not obvious to out-siders as these people portray themselves to be very "shareef" which in fact they are not..aur undar ka haal to wohi janta hay jo in kay sath reh rha ho...
You did say divorce is not an option but these things do get worse with time......can you bear this all your life????
by taking all this crap from your husband youre allowing him to walk over you,he is feeding his ego because youre allowing him to get away with it and it is damaging your self esteem,youre not into divorcing ,so talk to him try to find out where the problem lies and see if you can reason with him or why dont you go and spend somtime at your parents,dont phone him or anything ,wait and see if he will make the first move,somtimes we dont appreciate what is in front of us until its gone.
Leave. Maybe not divorce, but leave for a while. Go to your parents house or something. If you have kids, so you want them to grow up in this environment? When you have kids, do you want their father to treat them like this? FIne, I get it, it's not that big of a deal, he's just saying he truth, but in reality, he's emotionally abusing you, he is taking any and all power away from you. If something does go wrong and he does divorce you first, he WILL blame it on you, count on it. Men like this? They don't stop, so leave him for a while. Get your self esteem back, start standing up for yourself, because this kind of abuse? It NEVER stops unless a miracle happens.
NO WERE in Islam does it say that a woman has to put up with any kind of abuse! The way your thinking? It's the desi mentality coming out! It is not islamic for a man to treat his wife with such disrespect. A lot of the things from the desi mentality are not islamic.
*If you don't want to listen to us, fine. Go read istakhaara salah. Pray to Allah as HE is the only one who can help you make a decision. *
yikes....I think the divorce advice is taking it a bit too far.
Concerning the whole maid thing, to be honest, that was sort of common sense. Its not your MIL's fault, she didn't have to really give you 'better directions,' if she told you to go upstairs, clearly it was to watch over the maid. I was born and raised in the US and I would've known that your mother in law wanted you to be in the same room as her, so being from the UK doesnt really mean that you couldn't have figured it out.
You asked for objective advice, so here goes. First of all, you mention your mother in law has no idea that her son treats you like this because he has two faces, one around her and one around you. Why don't you try talking to her? It seems like she might be able to reason with her son...especially when she hears about the things he does without reason, like staying mad at you for 4 days over a minor issue. or do something so that she realizes he's mad at you...for example, purposely sleep on the sofa and when she asks why, say your son has been yelling at me for x number of days straight and I'm sure he would prefer if I don't share a room with him. This way, she knows there are problems.
In addition, talk to your husband. If he didn't marry for love, I'm sure you werent head over heels either. Regardless of it being an arranged marriage or not, he should have realized when he agreed to do this (no matter WHAT or WHO the reason was) that he has to respect you.
finally, is there anything you can do to keep your time in the house to a minimum? Maybe start studying for an exam for grad school, go to the library for free events/classes, get a job? you can keep your mind off of a bad situation.
If this doesn't work, try going away to your parents' house for a bit. I only think divorce is worth it when you've exhausted all your options.
Well… I kinda see the OP’s point though… she did go upstairs, she was just sitting and using her laptop in the room while the maid was cleaning. It is a bit awkard to stare at the maid the entire time.
:k: I definitely agree with this. Divorce should always be the last option. That’s why I also advised that if she’s tried everything… talking to husband, his parents, marriage counseling… and things aren’t working, then get separated. If a separation doesn’t fix things, then get divorced.
A bad marriage can destroy ones self-esteem and self worth. To be honest sometimes working on yourself is not possible as the other person is just a dick.
Firstly who the **** marries out of necessity? What he couldn't get a whore? Seriously, that fact that he says that alone is grounds for you up and leaving him.
Look you are one of those women who will only find fault in yourself when the person at fault is your husband. Since I know you won't listen I will just say you are going make yourself crazy in such a situation.
There are some situations where you show patience and wisdom. Others you walk out and gone on with your life. You are in such a situation.
Patience and wisdom will not help your situation.
Cm-you are absoluty right.
It's funny how everyone can just chime in and post "get a divorce".(most of them unmarried)... Yeah life is so easy aint it?
Divorce as a last resort. But really, in the desi community, it's usually death as a last resort! Divorce be damned, you gotta live with what you gotta live with! If he's an abuser, too bad! Rapist, sorry can't help you!
Some smart woman thinks to get her children and herself out of those situations? She'll be an outcast and this coming from the same community that is like vultures ready to feed upon the weak!
The thread opener, you remind me of someone so much and I wish you didn’t because you are going to spend your life forgiving everyone and everything. But is it going to be worth it when your 50? For the person you remind me off, it was not worth it for her. BUT she has peace in her heart and ALLAH on her side, so shes doing really well. iA whatever decision you make it will not be out of hate.
I will make dua for you, I hope ALLAH makes your life easier and fulfills it with happiness and love.
Something is bugging me...She says money is tight yet they have a MAID??? what's that all about? I would understand if she lived in Pakistan as its more of a norm there for everyone to have maids, but inthe UK its generally the well off.......wierd.
