Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

[Mrs_Saieen]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

@Paheli00

Forget the sex part…why does the husband sleep in a different room? When and how did this start? Do the in-laws know that their son is sleeping in a different room that his wife for months?

One of my cousin’s haven’t had sex with her husband for over a year due to a rough pregnancy/delivery (she was on bed rest most of the pregnancy, ended up with a 4th degree tear that needed surgical repair and then got infected etc.). But she still slept in the same bed as her husband! Sex is not the only reason for a couple to sleep on the same bed.

All things aside, it’s not always a stamp of death on the marriage to sleep in separate rooms (provided affection, intimacy, etc is all still there) Sometimes there are valid reasons too, i.e, if one partner snores/makes a lot of noise, the other is a light sleeper, one likes a softer bed the other likes a harder one etc.

[aramis]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

Pray

[KhaZa1216]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

@Tempe5t

Your in-laws help you out and maybe they don't complain about it to your face, but is it possible that they complain about it to your husband and to each other behind your back? It's something to think about.

I think probably they do. But there's no point in me bringing that up because he obviously agrees with them and would just say that everyone feels the same way about me and I should think about why that is. I don't think I should confront anyone else about this either because I don't have proof if it. This is just my suspicion.

@Reha Thank you for your advice. I think I need to think things through and try and pinpoint the actual problem here. You're right about the communication thing but if I leave it and don't talk to him it'll just get worse. I had another chat with him and that didn't end well either.

@Theorist I get what you're saying but like other posters have said its not that strange. He started sleeping in the spare room because of the baby and our toddler waking up through the night. And if he doesn't sleep well then he doesn't have a good day at work. Plus surely we should be trying to fix the minor issues first before tackling the big one? I mean he doesn't want any physical touch at all. No hugs, no hand holding, no kisses. If there isn't any of that then how can anyone expect intimacy?

[KhaZa1216]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

I know it shouldn't be difficult to look after two children. But it is. Especially as both are under the age of 2. Its just really demanding and when its just me and two babies at home alone every day then it gets exhausting. The first 6 months of having a new baby are rough anyways. Add an energetic and demanding toddler on top of that and its just hard. I do look after them. They are both healthy and happy and well looked after. I do a very good job of it. I haven't complained, why should I? They are my children, my responsibility. And I'm happy and grateful that I have been blessed with them. But surely a bit of understanding from your husband is not a big ask?

I spoke to him again. Tried to find out what the actual problem is. I managed to stay calm. But he came out with a lot of stuff that was hard to hear. He feels unappreciated, he doesn't think I appreciate what he does to help out with the children. He feels that I am a wife who does the bare minimum. Which was just a massive shock. When I asked what else I could do he didn't have any concrete explanation. I feel like maybe we should talk to someone else. Together. I tried finding some marriage counselling but couldn't find anything nearby. I'm really sorry for venting it all out here, I just don't have anyone to talk to about this and I really appreciate that you all have taken the time to read my posts and give advice too. Thank you.

I wish I could fix this.

[KhaZa1216]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

@mistral

Do you even want to go back? Because if I'm reading this post and your past posts correctly it sounds pretty damn toxic in that house with your husband and in laws. Being browbeaten by your husband for not emptying the bins and being too dependent on him for everything but then being dictated to by the same person that you WILL send your toddler to nursery and you have no say in it? Being told by him that you and the kids being out of his hair will be great because now he can relax??? And then being yelled at because you want to stay extra time with your parents?? Recovering from birth, anemia, a fluctuating thyroid and having your in laws and husband complain that you're lazy??? Being accused of making your own kid cry to keep your husband up??? I could keep going but I think you get the picture seeing as you're living in this demented circus.

Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting here but if you did describe what I've summarized above then you are surrounded by drama creating hypocrites. And while it's a noble thing to not give up and all that...you do understand that you can NOT change anybody but yourself right? So knowing that, pray I istikhara and plead with Allah to guide you to the path that is best for you and your kids. That's all I've got. Good luck.

Thank you. I appreciate this truly. I think istikhara is pretty much the only thing left here.

[Reha]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

@KhaZa1216

I think probably they do. But there’s no point in me bringing that up because he obviously agrees with them and would just say that everyone feels the same way about me and I should think about why that is. I don’t think I should confront anyone else about this either because I don’t have proof if it. This is just my suspicion.

@Reha Thank you for your advice. I think I need to think things through and try and pinpoint the actual problem here. You’re right about the communication thing but if I leave it and don’t talk to him it’ll just get worse. I had another chat with him and that didn’t end well either.

.
OP - only communicate if you feel there’s hope. Communication is not just verbal either…it can be done many different ways so remember that. People communicate through their actions as well. I really do feel for you…all this pressure plus have two kids under age 2 but where Allah gives difficulties he also gives us the strength to bear them. So this is not impossible - its just hard.

If you leave it and don’t talk to him…what will happen? What is the worse thing that can happen? He will get angry? He is already angry. He will fight with you? That’s already happened as well.

Talk to him once things are calm and peaceful between you two. If you want to keep him, try to understand him first and what he wants from you. This is not a matter of deciding whether you should stay or leave…you’ve already decided to stay.

@KhaZa1216

I know it shouldn’t be difficult to look after two children. But it is. Especially as both are under the age of 2. Its just really demanding and when its just me and two babies at home alone every day then it gets exhausting. The first 6 months of having a new baby are rough anyways. Add an energetic and demanding toddler on top of that and its just hard. I do look after them. They are both healthy and happy and well looked after. I do a very good job of it. I haven’t complained, why should I? They are my children, my responsibility. And I’m happy and grateful that I have been blessed with them. But surely a bit of understanding from your husband is not a big ask?

I spoke to him again. Tried to find out what the actual problem is. I managed to stay calm. But he came out with a lot of stuff that was hard to hear. He feels unappreciated, he doesn’t think I appreciate what he does to help out with the children. He feels that I am a wife who does the bare minimum. Which was just a massive shock. When I asked what else I could do he didn’t have any concrete explanation. I feel like maybe we should talk to someone else. Together. I tried finding some marriage counselling but couldn’t find anything nearby. I’m really sorry for venting it all out here, I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I really appreciate that you all have taken the time to read my posts and give advice too. Thank you.

I wish I could fix this.

You can and you will…will that fix be exactly what you’re hoping for? That is the question.

A lot of men don’t understand what a woman goes through when she has a baby…at all. My husband didn’t get it until he was in the delivery room with me. You’re going through a lot OP…just having had a baby, your body is healing, your mind is healing, you could be dealing with some PPD as well, lack of support, marital issues, a toddler to also raise and care for, newborn baby, you might be breastfeeding, waking up multiple times at night, etc.

If you cannot find a marriage counselor, I will suggest a therapist for yourself. Not because its you that needs help…but because you do need some emotional support right now. You cannot help others until you help yourself…always remember that.

Your husband is of no help so stop expecting him to work on this with you. What can YOU do? What is in YOUR control? The reason he has no answers is because there really aren’t any. You’re living in a toxic environment where I am pretty sure all of this is being fed to your husband by others so its time to be a bit smarter about it. Look at the bigger picture. Find a way to get through to your husband…and I don’t think your husband is the “let’s sit down and talk it out” type of guy.

There is a space between you and husband…and in relationships…spaces don’t stay empty for very long. I am not saying there is another woman. I am saying you’ve both left room in your marriage for someone else’s opinions and words to matter. You’re not close. You lack intimacy - not in the physical sense - but in the emotional sense. You are not friends. You’re not on the same team. You’re not a family. Somewhere along the way your unit has broken up. This is the real issue. If you want things to get better, work on this issue first. Its hard, takes time, effort, swallowing of your pride and just being the bigger person ALL the time. For a while you’ll be the one doing the “naiki kar, darya mein daal” thing…meaning doing everything but getting nothing in return. But it works in the long run to secure a safe environment for your children.

[Theorist]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

@KhaZa1216

I think probably they do. But there’s no point in me bringing that up because he obviously agrees with them and would just say that everyone feels the same way about me and I should think about why that is. I don’t think I should confront anyone else about this either because I don’t have proof if it. This is just my suspicion.

@Reha Thank you for your advice. I think I need to think things through and try and pinpoint the actual problem here. You’re right about the communication thing but if I leave it and don’t talk to him it’ll just get worse. I had another chat with him and that didn’t end well either.

@Theorist I get what you’re saying but like other posters have said its not that strange. He started sleeping in the spare room because of the baby and our toddler waking up through the night. And if he doesn’t sleep well then he doesn’t have a good day at work. Plus surely we should be trying to fix the minor issues first before tackling the big one? I mean** he doesn’t want any physical touch at all. No hugs, no hand holding, no kisses. If there isn’t any of that then how can anyone expect intimacy?**

Was he always like this?

[KhaZa1216]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

Was he always like this?

No its just something that started about 9 months ago now. Sorry for the late reply.

@Reha Thank you again. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words.

[Theorist]

Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately

@KhaZa1216

No its just something that started about 9 months ago now. Sorry for the late reply.

@Reha Thank you again. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words.

So he DID enjoy intimacy. That should tell you something indeed DID happen that has disheartened him. I understand that you are going through a lot but his emotional baggage may even be greater than yours. It’s been long enough that he has shut himself down to you. It’s going to take more than praying to get him to open up again. He doesn’t feel you are on his side. You need to drop your concerns for everyone else AND yourself for now and focus on your husband. I am sure he will come back to you. Make him happy. Do things he used to enjoy.