Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
I am really sorry you're going through this BUT
I will say...I've never seen anything good come out of leaving your home. I know you're dealing with quite a bit but its almost like throwing in the towel. And you should never throw in the towel. Particularly when you have small children who need both their parents.
I know its hard but go back home, fix whatever is broken between the two of you and keep it between the two of you. Never leave your home.
He dropped us off at my parents himself! He said he was glad because he wouldn't have to deal with all the stress of the kids and he'd enjoy it! That's why I thought maybe a few more weeks wouldn't be so bad because he was happy to leave us there!
I know I've messed up by involving his mum but she lives with us so I thought maybe she'd help me out somehow. I haven't told my family what's going on and my mum was really upset after he phoned her. I'm not sure exactly what he said to her but my mum wanted to know what was going on between us and because I told her everything's fine she's upset with me too now because she thinks I'm lying. I feel like such an idiot. And now that I'm home again its just worse. No one is talking to me here, he's ignoring me and I don't know if I should tell my family or not. I'm thinking of leaving it a few days and see what happens.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Your in-laws help you out and maybe they don't complain about it to your face, but is it possible that they complain about it to your husband and to each other behind your back? It's something to think about.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
He dropped us off at my parents himself! He said he was glad because he wouldn't have to deal with all the stress of the kids and he'd enjoy it! That's why I thought maybe a few more weeks wouldn't be so bad because he was happy to leave us there!
I know I've messed up by involving his mum but she lives with us so I thought maybe she'd help me out somehow. I haven't told my family what's going on and my mum was really upset after he phoned her. I'm not sure exactly what he said to her but my mum wanted to know what was going on between us and because I told her everything's fine she's upset with me too now because she thinks I'm lying. I feel like such an idiot. And now that I'm home again its just worse. No one is talking to me here, he's ignoring me and I don't know if I should tell my family or not. I'm thinking of leaving it a few days and see what happens.
The thing is OP -
This is your marriage...no one on the outside - be it his or your own family - can help you fix this so don't reach out to them. This is how I would handle it...I'd never let on that there were any issues unless he was abusive and really wanted out of this marriage.
If you love him, try to understand him. Try to find out what is broken and address it - not by talking to him - but by doing something about it. Communication is great - but only in an ideal situation when both parties are willing to talk and try to resolve things. Otherwise communication just becomes a high emotion, crying fest that involves a lot of accusations and in-the-moment things you'll always regret. Only talk to him if you think you can stay calm and keep him calm.
I know this sounds old fashioned and daqianoosi but...apna ghar aurat hi banati hai. It really does depend on you...where things go and how they go...most of the time. You have figure out what the issues are on your own if you want this marriage to work.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
…and you don’t see what’s wrong with this picture? Why did he start sleeping in the spare room? You may not think it’s that but honestly, no married and capable man can remain happy with 10 months of NO SEX. That’s ridiculous. Kids or not, your husband needs you.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
...and you don't see what's wrong with this picture? Why did he start sleeping in the spare room? You may not think it's that but honestly, no married and capable man can remain happy with 10 months of NO SEX. That's ridiculous. Kids or not, your husband needs you.
Yes, its very sad and more than anything, its sad for the wife too. After all, she is a human being too!
On the contrary @Theorist, no sex for 10 months in this circumstance isnt a big deal
Pregnancy of 9 months , plus the 2 months post partum… men go without sex for almost a yr and some even longer… depending on the wife’s condition in pregnancy and how long she takes to heal after the delivery.
OP… everyone has given good advice… you guys need to communicate more… there is a lot going on behind ure bk regarding your inlaws and husband… and the reality of the situation need.to.be laid out in the open.
Maybe your inlaws dont wanna help out a lot… mabe you let it all go knowing you have help so dont carry your weight… could be anything.. talk it out.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Just because they can doesn’t mean they should. It’s only a matter of time before they become frustrated and take it out on their spouse in various ways without mentioning sex. It makes one think no-sex must not be the problem. It IS in many cases! There are many ways to fulfill those needs and a wife should not ignore that. Just as most of women expect emotional support, most men expect physical affection from their wives to feel loved and admired. It’s basic stuff. At the very least, keep the communication lines open so he knows that you do a give a sh** about his needs and that he can openly talk about whatever is bothering him without feeling ashamed.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
i also dont understand why is it soo difficult to handle two kids. I know many ladies who handle them without any help. It is very common in the US for not have any help and no family to support and figure out things on your own.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
i also dont understand why is it soo difficult to handle two kids. I know many ladies who handle them without any help. It is very common in the US for not have any help and no family to support and figure out things on your own.
sorry but can we not shame or at least cast suspicions on someone's ability to be a parent based on the fact that they find it difficult? I'm not a parent but I would never be so condescending. OPs already going through enough with the marital struggles
Maybe your husband does feel neglected. Please speak to him in a calm tone (face to face without the kids) and remain calm throughout the conversation. IA, you guys will reach a root of your problems and figure out some solutions. If he is willing to work on the marriage, then he should work with you.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
i am not casting any shame, i am just trying to understand OP's situation. I am a parent, work and take care of the house without help AH, but having a second kid is going to be very difficult for us as well and that is why we have delayed it. Not sure if there are other issues making it difficult for her to handle it. The marital struggles are caused by her having two kids and wanting to get away from the stressful situation at home. the two situation go hand in hand and cant be separated. In my earlier post i did ask the OP if she could hire help. Again, i am trying to understand what the big issue is. To me the two kids only doesn't seem to be it. if she can't handle the kids, then ask hubby to hire help even if its part time.
Also, i agree with Theorist as well. you need to give him time and communicate with him.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Yes, some people have no help with kids but its hard. Usually in that case husbands understand and let things go a bit for example if trash cans are not emptied on time, not being more pro active etc. (OP's earlier thread). Being a parent can be a stressful time for dads too, maybe its taking its toll on him. Also, I think the OP is not the one who is denying her husband physical affection (some women do that after kids), he himself left the room, perhaps the baby crying etc disturbs him as he has to go to work in the morning.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
You shouldn't have "asked" him if you can stay longer when you had already made up your mind that you were going and no matter what he said you were going to do what you wanted and now his right after trying to explain to you that he needs you and the kid you still showed him you need time away from him and you're making this situation worse all by yourself get up get your thin a and go back to your husband or watch things get worse
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
I agree with Eastern. Unfortunately for op, no matter what she's kind of out of options. Little help with kids and little emotional support from her husband and inlaws all the time. That does seem hard for anyone. It's up to her to either deal with that and come back home to try and make things better regardless of her circumstances with the kids or its go home to her parents and still deal with her husbands resentment.kinda lose lose but I think right now op, you just have to give in. It does look like you want things to get better from your threads and you do seem to be trying so I feel you deserve credit for that but for whatever reason it's just not enough. I think you should just accept defeat (for a lack of a better word) or for what the situation is and one: ask your husband to come back into the room, and two: just ask him what he wants from you and the situation and
just do it with an open heart and open mind all the while handling the kids without complaint for a while. I mean I don't see what other options you have and do it without resentment from your end. If things gets better then hopefully it'll be a step towards having your husband start looking after your emotional needs as well but it just seems to be the fighting needs to stop from your end for now and just have go about things the way he wants and see how things work out. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to stay at your parents considering you hadn't in a year but right now does not seem like the best timing to have done it regardless of the kids. That's all I personally think you can do right now and hopefully it opens doors for better lines of communication and less hostility between you two. Cut everyone else out and just make him your focus maybe even a little more than your kids for now. If your husband at the end of it all still doesn't want to compromise and make things work then unfortunately it won't get better. Both ppl need to be trying to make things work but for now just start fresh and let the rest of it go.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Forget the sex part…why does the husband sleep in a different room? When and how did this start? Do the in-laws know that their son is sleeping in a different room that his wife for months?
One of my cousin’s haven’t had sex with her husband for over a year due to a rough pregnancy/delivery (she was on bed rest most of the pregnancy, ended up with a 4th degree tear that needed surgical repair and then got infected etc.). But she still slept in the same bed as her husband! Sex is not the only reason for a couple to sleep on the same bed.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Do you even want to go back? Because if I'm reading this post and your past posts correctly it sounds pretty damn toxic in that house with your husband and in laws. Being browbeaten by your husband for not emptying the bins and being too dependent on him for everything but then being dictated to by the same person that you WILL send your toddler to nursery and you have no say in it? Being told by him that you and the kids being out of his hair will be great because now he can relax??? And then being yelled at because you want to stay extra time with your parents?? Recovering from birth, anemia, a fluctuating thyroid and having your in laws and husband complain that you're lazy??? Being accused of making your own kid cry to keep your husband up??? I could keep going but I think you get the picture seeing as you're living in this demented circus.
Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting here but if you did describe what I've summarized above then you are surrounded by drama creating hypocrites. And while it's a noble thing to not give up and all that...you do understand that you can NOT change anybody but yourself right? So knowing that, pray I istikhara and plead with Allah to guide you to the path that is best for you and your kids. That's all I've got. Good luck.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Do you even want to go back? Because if I'm reading this post and your past posts correctly it sounds pretty damn toxic in that house with your husband and in laws. Being browbeaten by your husband for not emptying the bins and being too dependent on him for everything but then being dictated to by the same person that you WILL send your toddler to nursery and you have no say in it? Being told by him that you and the kids being out of his hair will be great because now he can relax??? And then being yelled at because you want to stay extra time with your parents?? Recovering from birth, anemia, a fluctuating thyroid and having your in laws and husband complain that you're lazy??? Being accused of making your own kid cry to keep your husband up??? I could keep going but I think you get the picture seeing as you're living in this demented circus.
Maybe I'm completely misinterpreting here but if you did describe what I've summarized above then you are surrounded by drama creating hypocrites. And while it's a noble thing to not give up and all that...you do understand that you can NOT change anybody but yourself right? So knowing that, pray I istikhara and plead with Allah to guide you to the path that is best for you and your kids. That's all I've got. Good luck.
This!
Sleeping in separate rooms is not as big a deal as people are making out. When kids are little and wake up many times one of the parent sleeps in a different room to catch up on sleep. The main issue here the meaness of the husband and in laws. Looking at OPs previous thread will give some perspective.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Probably the baby sleeps in the same room as the mom and cries at night. I am guessing that’s why the husband sleeps in the other room. Its more common than you think. However, what was sad was when the husband said that he doesn’t need physical affection.
When and how did this start? Do the in-laws know that their son is sleeping in a different room that his wife for months?