I’ve posted here both. About 5 months ago now while I was 8 months pregnant with my second child I had an argument with my husband about our toddlers routine and he came out with other issues. Since then he hasn’t spoken to me and I’ve taken advice on board from this forum to just get on and do my best as a mother and wife.
I managed to convince my husband that I need to go to my parents house. I was there a week when I phoned him and decided to ask for another two weeks at my parents house. I said it would be good for all of us, our relationship is a bit rocky right now, we can clear our heads, I can get a break which I need because I’m knackered dealing with two children on my own, and him too seeing as how his new job is very stressful for him at the moment.
His reaction was just overwhelming. He got really angry and point blank refused saying I should have thought how he’d feel without his children for so long. Plus he said a lot of nasty things about how I’m superficial and manipulative and twisting things to my advantage. And how I need to look at my ability as a wife before passing the blame to him.
He then messaged me saying he was coming to take our toddler and I could stay for another two weeks at my parents house. This was decided by him with no consultation with me and directly after he’d messaged me so many nasty things.
I honestly thought he’d had a nervous breakdown. So I phoned his mother and she just sounded completely disinterested. She said I don’t support him and the best thing to do is come home quietly. Which just made no sense, I only suggested if I could stay a bit longer at my parents house. She said she would talk to him and call me back. She didn’t.
So I called him myself and got upset and told him he’s not taking our toddler and I am staying two weeks and hung up on him. He then called my mum on her house phone and tried to explain what he was doing. My mum told me to speak to him and he explained his thinking. But at no point did he apologise for what he’d said to me. He gave me two options: 1. He’d come up on Saturday and take Khadija and I could have a longer break at my parents. Or 2. He’d come on Saturday and we can all go home together. Option 1 wasn’t feasible to me because my toddler hasn’t been away from me longer than 5hours. How would she cope with 2 weeks? So really I just had option 2. So I asked if I could sleep on it.
The next morning he texted asking my decision, I called him and asked if I could propose a compromise. Let me stay one week more with my toddler here, I will Skype every night with him because he’s missing the kids so much. And he didn’t like that. Got angry again. Told me do what I want. Hung up.
Then he messages me saying how I need to step up as a wife, he’s fed up of my behaviour and I’m making him ill with how I’m acting. I said I’ll come back then. He said he doesn’t care, stay for months if I want.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
I can see where he is coming from. Why were you so adamant at staying at your mum's. What difference would a week make. Just pack your bags go to him and try to sort your problems together. Being apart leads to more misunderstandings, also never involve your in laws or parent or friends between the two of you. I have friends here who leave their husbands for months on end to spend time with their families and I just don't get it.
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You really shouldn't have insisted on staying longer than agreed upon, esp after his reaction. They're his kids too and he has every right/desire to want them around.
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You stated that you wanted to stay at your parents house to help with his stress as well. But clearly you didn't care when he was stressful about the kids, and wanted you to come back. That lone shows that you dont care about his stress/feelings. I don't understand why would you insist on staying at your parents, when you know he is upset. You need to go back and take care of your family. Not sure if you have help at your house, but deal with the situation and Allah will give you strength to deal with it.
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Avoiding something will not make it easier to deal with later on.
There was already tension between you when you took a week off at your parent's place. Fine. Understandable if you needed to get away from the pressure.
It wasn't a good idea to insist on additional time when the relationship needs your attention. Often times children serve as the only source of happiness and a sense of fulfillment from a relationship that is going through a rough patch. If you take that away from your husband for a long period of time, he may feel that there is no point in trying to continue working on the situation.
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Why did you ask him if you had already made up your mind that no matter what he says, you really want to stay at your parents? I'm sorry but I really don't understand the "asking" part then - you should have just told him if you weren't going to listen to what he wants anyway.
You wanted to stay at your parents for another two weeks to stress down right? But instead you have just created more tension between you and your husband and more stress for yourself. So that plan didn't really work out.
Your husbands behaviour/attitude is wrong. No doubt about that. If he didn't want you to stay, he should have just told you that calmly and you on the other hand should have packed your bags and gone home but oh well. And you both really should never involve your inlaws in such issues - that just creates more problems!
Here's my advice: Pack your bags. Go home. Take care of your kids. Another two weeks at your parents are not going to vanish the stressful life of yours. That is how it is when you've young kids. You need to figure out a way to deal with this in your home with your husband. Your husband wants you to come home. Men want their wives with them not in maika.
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I agree with all of the posters, in that going to her parents' home is not in itself the solution. But I'm curious, how does everyone suggest that she resolve her issues with her husband who seems to have become controlling, critical and demanding? What can OP do to alleviate some of her stresses (I think she's just a few months post-partum - and yes, lots of other women go through the same thing) - but how does she get her husband to be more understanding and compassionate?
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I am going to get a lot of Haw Haye but I need to ask anyway. How is your sex life? It is possible that he is sexually frustrated. You staying away will only make it worse (if this is indeed an issue in your marriage). This is a serious issue if his needs aren't being met. Did your sex life take a hit with you getting pregnant and all? Many men are not able to express how they feel and expressing such desires can make then feel rejected.
FYI, I have read your other thread and my gut tells me your guy is frustrated, whether it's sex or something else, I don't know. He is not getting something he expects from you. You should go home.
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I agree with all of the posters, in that going to her parents' home is not in itself the solution. But I'm curious, how does everyone suggest that she resolve her issues with her husband who seems to have become controlling, critical and demanding? What can OP do to alleviate some of her stresses (I think she's just a few months post-partum - and yes, lots of other women go through the same thing) - but how does she get her husband to be more understanding and compassionate?
First step is definitely communication. She needs to establish a good communication with her husband, which may sound easy but it really isn't. Once you're able to communicate fully with your spouse and by fully I mean being able to talk about your own **feelings, expectations, stresses etc but also being able to **listen to what he/she has to say, you've to be able to give and receive compliments as well as (or more importantly) criticism without fearing that your spouse is going to blow up with anger. Only then will both parties be able to understand the underlying issues and resolve them.
Re: Situation Getting Worse Need Advice Desperately
Few questions:
Did you toddler start nursery? I know this was discussed in the last thread.
When you gave birth to your second child…even on that day your toddler wasn’t away from you for more than 5 hours? Did you give birth at home? Or do UK hospitals allow small children to room with OB patients?
Who helped you in the days after you gave birth? Did you husband and in-laws help you handle your toddler/newborn while you recovered?
Have you been making decision on your own regarding the kids/home without consulting your husband? I remember last time he complained that you were too dependent on him and wanted you to be more independent.
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I wouldn't leave my home and go to maika to sort stuff out. You. Need to be able to communicate face to face. Hubby and I are having issues after the babies too because we have so much more our plate now. However, I just go for a walk if we arguing and it seems to calm both of us down.
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I am really sorry you're going through this BUT
I will say...I've never seen anything good come out of leaving your home. I know you're dealing with quite a bit but its almost like throwing in the towel. And you should never throw in the towel. Particularly when you have small children who need both their parents.
I know its hard but go back home, fix whatever is broken between the two of you and keep it between the two of you. Never leave your home.
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I am not married but I admit that (like others) my first thought while reading your post was that 2 additional weeks away from your husband was unreasonable. You're asking for a 1 month separation and that is a long time. I question if your own parents thought this request was unreasonable and if they didn't that's strange.
Unfortunately your husband didn't think to himself that my marriage must really be on the rocks if my wife wants to get away from me for that long and that I need to work together with her to fix it. It would have been nice if he did some introspection. There are some men (and women) who perceive comments like "we need a break" ...especially a long break....as a way of saying that the other person wants to end the relationship or is not as vested in the relation or doesn't care about them. For some, such a comment motivates them to resolve issues while others (like your husband) get very defensive. If you knew that your husband's frequent complaint was that he feels you're already not being supportive of him ....then going MIA on him for 1 month....would just strengthen his belief that you don't want to be there for him. A one week break is understandable and even he was fine with that. But as the poster above has said....as hard as it is, leaving home can sometimes backfire on u.
Take a break ....but take it with him. Try to go out with him without the presence of your in-laws and have a heart-to-heart with him. If his complaints about you are too vague, then ask him to tell you specifically what actions he wants to see from you and take it from there. Basically tell him that you want to work with him on fixing your marriage and that you made a mistake by insisting on the one month leave and that going forward there needs to be mutual compromise and SABAR. Play the religion card...sometimes people need to be reminded that their own actions and those of their spouse...their own manner of speaking ...and that of their spouse's...and the mutual absence of mercy and affection is not in accordance with how a marriage is supposed to be in the sunnah. Words it as "we" and not the accusatory "you." Gently tell him that you don't want the strained atmosphere at home to affect the kids and that they need parents who are positive and happy and whose body language and words and actions reflect love and mercy for one another.
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Dekho guriya rani, Life is full of compromises, you need to understand you are mother of two, you should have learnt by now, I dont undertsand what took you so long just to get a simple fact straight.Anyhow, Shoahr jo kehta teek kehta hai, jao shabash apnay ghar chali jao! :*
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what did he say to your mom, about what he was doing?
He said he wanted the kids home. And that I'm finding it hard to cope with two so he'll come and get our toddler so I can stay for two extra weeks which didn't make sense to my mum because everyone was helping me out with our toddler anyways.
@Hmmna
I know I shouldn't have been so adamant but I was getting the support I needed at my parents house. He doesnt want to help out with the kids, when he does he complains that im putting stress on him. He thinks I'm putting stress on my in laws too if they help out and I need some help. My health isn't getting better but the two weeks I was at my parents it did. And I haven't been to their house for over a year. The last time I went my toddler was 13 months old and I wasn't even pregnant with my second. So when I asked for a bit more time my parents didn't think it unreasonable either because I've not been there for so long plus I'd brought our new baby to their house for the first time.
@Theorist two kids means there's nothing. He also sleeps in the spare room and has done for probably 10 months now. And I don't think it is that. He's not a touchy feely type and he said he doesn't want physical affection anyways.
Did you give birth at home? Or do UK hospitals allow small children to room with OB patients?